I actually commented on the quote above, but I forgot to change the color .. sorry! I'm still learning!

Then tell us what you want to do? what is your plan? Because we have been trying to help with a plan and all I hear are excuses I love this saying....

You are either going to find a way or find the excuses..

And I'm sorry to be harsh that's just they way I type you can ask anyone here, I am very bold, I do not sugar coat anything, sorry just my personality. I want you to realize that you have a chance to save this marriage but if you are not willing to do the work and find the excuses then I can not help you. Maybe someone else can.

Good luck

[/quote]

I am prepared for the 2 x 4's. I know I must sound stubborn and that I don't want to do what it takes, but trust me when I tell you that if I tell the kids everything and OMW, it will only make H angrier and drive him further away. I know my H .. that will not help anyone!!

Thanks again for everyone chiming in![/quote]

raindancer, when I was in college, I had a surgery that could not be sewn up. It was so deep that just stitching it up would have led to bad infection. It had to heal from the inside out, and I had to clean it and pour this anti-bacterial stuff into it three times a day. Let me tell you, changing that bandaging and cleaning out the wound was UNPLEASANT. So about a well after the surgery, I went a day or two without tending to it. You can probably guess what happened. Infection started to set in, and if I thought keeping it clean was unpleasant......infection and having the doctor clean it out was waaaaay worse.

If you try to just stitch up these wounds without tending to them properly (i.e. complete honesty, NC no matter what), it might look on the surface like things are healed.....but underneath will be a deadly infection.

I know that analogy is kind of gross, but it fits. The things that are being hidden are infectious, and by keeping contact with the AP's - directly or indirectly - the wound is just being hurt over and over again.

SR, I appreciate it! I am the same way. H often says that I was not born with a filter, lol!

OK, a plan .. hmmm!

I guess at this point, I am just going to continue to Plan A while H goes through therapy. I really do feel as though I have exposed enough for where we are now. (2 x 4 at will) H has said that he doesn't want to be married to me, so unless that changes, what choice do I have??

I guess what I am looking for here is a place to go when I am having a rough time with the patience part of Plan A. A place to vent, a safe place to talk about how I feel about what I have done and what he is doing. Is that OK? At least for now?

I want to recover my M. He doesn't. Until I can get him on board with MB, can't I just come here on my own and have some people that are going through similar experiences help me to deal with the fallout of my own selfishness??

Yeah, I know your husband too, and i have heard this too, I even said this myself.

This is exposure for your affair, and there needs to be exposure for his affairs. I don't know which is better, to do them at the same time, or to do them one after the other. Either way your H will get angry, angry, angry. Especially when exposure of his affair comes to light.

If your marriage can not handle exposure of all the wrongings you have done to each other and your kids, then maybe it was not meant to be. You will never know unless you get the lies out, and let the kids and OMW know, plus the exposure of his affair.

These situations are so messed up because there are 2 WS, each disrespecting marriage and each other. How do you really fix this? well the first step is exposure, and NC on both your parts.

Love the no filter part, it runs in Sapphs family, I have never seen a more lively family dinner. I will turn red at the stuff that comes out of Sapphs mouth, and the stuff that her family says. All us guys married into the family will often need to take a break from the circus and go on a huge mandate.

Sometimes I have to nudge her when she begins to discuss bedroom stuff in church. "Honey, I don't want Mrs. Johnson to know that."

Ok, say I agree with all of you (which I am very close to doing, btw), I have nobody to expose his EA/PA/?? to. His parents already know and she is going through a D, so there is nobody to tell on her side that would care one way or the other. As far as I know, her parents and friends are happy that she is moving on.

I can tell the kids, but again, tell them what? They are very young and vulnerable. They have already been through he!!.

And what do we do, pull them away from their school that they love and friends that they love and home that they love? Isn't that just more trauma for a child to deal with?

Isn't it up to us as parents to protect them from our mistakes and do our best to deal with the fallout without affecting them. I really don't see how messing up their lives anymore than I already have is helping them or us?

Wheels, LOL! I got my H a shirt that says "I apologize for my wife!" It's so appropriate!!!

At what age do you intend to tell them?

The moral is you have to do what you can to have NC with the OM and OW. The kids can survive getting new friends, or a new school if you want to do that without moving. I think having parents divorce is more scarring than missing a friend after a detailed explaination why they can't be friends.

"Mom and dad made BIG mistakes. We both dated someone else outside of our marriage. Bobby's dad is the person I dated. For mom and dad to stay married I can not know what bobby's family is doing. We are going to transfer you to otherside elementry where you can make new friends, and mom and dad can do their best to stay married without knowing what Bobby and his parents are doing."

yeah that is sad. But it sounds better than mom and dad are divorcing and we are going to share you 50/50.

Ouch, Wheels!! It makes perfect sense, but H will NEVER go for it! It's only daycare at this point, it's only another 2 or so years. I know it sucks, but it's the consequences of my actions that I have to deal with it. I wish it was, but it's not an option.

I don't believe that they ever need to know all of the details. They are just kids. Why should they have to suffer for our mistakes???

Your kids are under 5 yo? yeah it only really matters to tell the kids that are around 7 and above who can comprehend it. My boys DS2 and DS4 make friends and drop friends like flies. They are not going to notice if they switch up daycares.

OMG, you're right!! Wheels, thanks! I never even really thought about that. They can very easily switch to a different daycare. I will look into that. Seriously, thanks!!!

Just called the daycare and it's a quick paperwork transfer .. man, why didn't I think of that???

HEY!! Those are accidents when I whisper something too loud to you :P

Ya that's my husband

Way to go wheels!! She finally got something out of 4 pages worth ROFL.

Nice, SR! Way to make me feel like a dummy!!!

I consider it progress, so thanks to you and your hubby!!!

anytime

Just remember that unless there is NC there is no recovery.

And I still think the OMW needs to know let me give you this analogy..

Lets say you pick up your kids from the day care and down the road you see your neighbors car getting broken into, you see the mans face you know exactly what he looks like do you...

1.) Call the police and tell them what the man looks like?

Or

2.) Don't call and pretend you don't know anything and everything will be fine, and you find out that her friends child was in the car waiting, and it was too late and they found the child in a ditch??

THIS DEVASTATION IS THE SAME THING YOU ARE DOING TO THE OMW!!!!

Good luck.