Interesting how she thinks it would be you who would cause him to make poor choices, risking his career.


So, she expects you to be a co-conspirator and help the OM destroy your marriage with no consequences for his actions?


And her filing for divorce just happens to coincide with her having an affair? My wife said the same thing to justify her affair: it was due to all the "damage" I had caused in our 20 year marriage. You know what? I call bullsh*t on that one. Her thoughts of ending the marriage are likely caused ONLY because of the fog of the A.


Not a wise action to say that. You are still in a position of trying to be the wonderful man your wife knew when she first met you. To attack the OM will only make him look better, because she will see the OM as the victim in this. You must not tell her what you think of him.

PLEASE click on this *link* and read it from the top.

Oh, WAA WAA. She's just confirmed your most important exposure target. Now, QUIT TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT AND EXPOSE THIS NASTY THING. Sheesh!

...and do it quickly. You made a HUGE strategic mistake in confiding in your WW about your plans to expose. Your WW is NOT on your side! Imagine what WWII would have turned out like if the US called Japan beforehand to let them know that a bomber was on the way to Hiroshima?

Your WW and the OM are likely right now concocting a story for the powers that be to portray you as a crazy and deluded H that thinks they had an A, when no such thing happened. Hope you got evidence at hand to prove what you're saying - you might need it.

I am just under one month post exposure. Listen to these people it works.

Sounds like you have some work to do on Plan A as well.

Get it ALL done, right away. Results will come quick.

Gently ...



This is not an example of making a love bank deposit.

I'm going to (gently) school you, just a little.

Alternative:


It's OK to TELL OM you will make his life a "living hell". In fact, I'm all for it.


But, if you are interested in MARRIAGE BUILDING while speaking to your WW, it is more effective to use this as an opportunity to amplify to your W how much SHE means to you, NOT how much you hate OM

How old are you?

I ask simply to get a good gauge, but my advice would be the same regardless.

You have no kids with this woman. You haven�t been married for very long. Many, if not most, of the betrayed men on this board would have liked to have found out that we married a cheater BEFORE having kids. Dealing with the ex would be easy at that point. You get rid of her, learn from your mistake, never date a woman like her again, and move on with your life while never speaking to the cheater again.

Steve Harley himself recommends that if there is a short marriage with no kids where cheating enters into the equation that the betrayed should seriously consider D. That being said, he does support when a BS wishes to save their marriage.

Ultimately, staying or going is a decision you reach once you go through the process.

Now, no matter which path you choose to follow, you need to take certain actions. The only chance of saving your marriage comes from ending the affair.

You should immediately expose this man to his company. He is a supervisor taking advantage of a subordinate and the company pays attention to the risk of a sexual harassment suit that could result from this.

Who cares what she thinks about it or what he thinks about it. She will be furious. Your only response to her anger should be, �I will do what is necessary to save this marriage.�

An alienation of affection lawsuit is wonderful, if you can make it happen. If that doesn�t do it, then sue on the grounds of �intentional infliction of emotional distress�. You may not win, but filing will draw major attention from him.

These are all steps necessary for killing the affair. Does your family and her family know of the affair?

Exposure must go far and wide.

But the odds of recovery are low since you don�t have kids with her and aren�t living together anymore.

So best of luck. But I wish I had known I married a cheater before I ever had kids with her. You�re lucky and don�t know it. There are too many women in this world to try and save a betrayal with one that isn�t worth it. Just chew on that thought.

If you had kids, I�d tell you different. No kids=no loss.

ABC,

She called me frantically today, worried and crying that if I expose the OM he will lose his job and ruin the rest of his career...

Quite likely because he has exploited his supervisory position before, and if someone has the guts to bring this abuse out in the open, others might come forth.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for your continued replies. You guys are gonna think I'm not listening to you, I am, just have a lot of anxiety about doing this for whatever reason. In my state there's a 6 month period of separation before we can be divorced. My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final, but still definitely wants divorce (i don't think she knows about the 6 month rule). If she gives me access to phone records, email, etc should i take her up on this? Basically it seems she's willing to do whatever if I don't expose him at the moment. I was thinking about even making her go to counseling for herself (to help with her perspective about things, low self esteem at times, always looking at negative aspects in things, to be emotionally stronger), my reasoning would be that I care about her and she needs help with these things even if it is for another relationship. I've been reading a lot and haven't seen this particular twist. I know I should have a particular plan, just want to run this twist by you guys. Thank you

I don't get this???

You want to save the marriage and yet do nothing, and then she says shell stop contact till the divorce is final which is in 6 months??

One question...

WHY ARE U EVEN HEAR. If ur not gunna fight for ur marriage and let her divorce you then there is no point in exposing since u have already lost.

Now if u want to keep fighting then stop giving excuses and expose this to his work/family.

You just found the golden spot to kill this affair and u won't even do it to fight for her?????

I don't understand!

You are making strategic mistakes that will cost you your marriage. You have a short window of time to expose the affair and save your marriage. Your wife is not going to end contact with this OM. She is going to go further underground. And by keeping this secret, you are ENABLING the affair.

We have had untold marriages end in divorce this way. Go ask helpforlostdads what happened to his marriage when he did this very thing.

What do you want? Honestly?

Because the actions you are doing right now is saying ''i want my marriage to end, I do not care anymore''

Sigh....

The point is to not have any contact so that the relationship can heal. I'm afraid your wife's logic is a bit twisted.

You can't expose just him and leave your "wife" out of it.

She and he chose to have an affair.

She and he chose to have an affair with a co-worker.

She and he chose to have an affair with a superior / inferior co-worker.

She and he have to face the consequences of it...up to and including termination of employment.

I understanding not wanting to hurt her...but obviously she wan't thinking about NOT hurting you when she had an affair, now was she?

If your evidence is solid and straight forward...do not fear legal action.

Slander and Libel are only applicable if the information is false and untrue...not to mention unprovable.

ABC,

My wife stated today that she would be willing to not have any contact with this guy until divorce is final

She is still deep in the fantasy that this guy LOVES her and it is so SPECIAL that no one in the world has experienced something so wonderful.

Expose the OM and he will turn his back on her, this will reveal him as the skunk he actually is and might break the spell he has on her when he spurns her love.

God Bless
Gamma

EXACTLY what the OM did to my wife when the OMW found out. My wife came out of her fog almost overnight! Then he tried to go back to his marriage and his wife said no way, and they are now getting divorced.

abc, you're not the first BH to come here and be afraid of what he has to do. My question to you is: WHAT IS IT YOU FEAR?? That your WW is going to leave you?? She has already told you she's going to!

What she is doing is not unique, abc. She is negotiating with you to shut you up and keep OM in the picture. This is not a twist, it's a normal wayward technique.

If she's successful in hoodwinking you, she'll have bought herself 6 months of peace in which to enjoy her disgusting adultery with OM. That is NOT what you want, correct?

You've already gotten a huge heads-up from her that exposure will be deadly to the A.

What is causing you to hedge on this while this affair becomes more entrenched daily?

abc,

I know what you're thinking: These are strangers on the internet. They don't know me or my WW. My WW is different. Their advice is crazy and wrong.

Well, Melodylane let you know about my situation.

I did everything my WW asked. You know what it got me? Divorced. She never came back. She never regretted it. She never said sorry.

I'm at a point now where I'm glad she didn't and I'm glad she's out of my life. But I was on MB from the beginning, going on 5 years now, and didn't follow the advice. It was because I told myself all the things above.

You're being held hostage by fear. You have no chance of saving your marriage so long as there is an affair.

The only way to end the affair is to attack it, which involves exposure.

Ignore us at your own risk. Then again, you have no kids. So you could turn to her and say, "Good riddance. Pack your crap and get out of my house." At that point you never speak to her again until you sign the papers. The day of the divorce hearing, you can say, "Wow. You really let yourself go."

Then never speak to her again.

I know a man who did as I just described. He's very happy.

So, that advice we're giving you is intended to save your marriage by killing the affair.

You can choose the three options given. Ignore us and end up divorced. Or follow the advice on exposure and give yourself a chance to save the marriage.

Or the third option, which I described, which is Plan FU.