OK, How do I tell H about this? Do I simply say, "I have decided that OMW deserves to know the entire truth so that she can protect herself from future infidelity from OM and in order to do so, I feel that we need to protect DDs from the fallout by moving them to a different daycare"?

Or do I just "suggest" it? I am not sure how to broach the subject since it will cost a little bit more and is a little further away from the other one. Any advice?

Exactly!!

Tell him "that you decided and that I am sorry that this is not what you want, but in my heart I feel she needs to know to protect her and her children."

Before I really read through this entire thread I just wanted to say that I believe in "reset buttons".

They DO happen.

Which I hope is a message of hope to you and your husband. You can give each other a "do over" and rebuild from there...not forgetting the past but rebuilding, better than ever, despite the past.

I also commend you for posting your story and allowing people (us) to help you. Obviously you AND your husband have messed this marriage up pretty bad and need some help. You've reach out to the right place. I hope he (your husband) gets on board with MB too.

Mr. Wondering

Ummmmmmm

I'd go about it slightly differently. No disrespect. Just an alternative option.

I'd begin:

"My adultery was like a cancer inside me.
Eating me up from the inside out.
My adultery was and still is a poison for my soul.
I know I have gotten rid of 90% of the cancer, but there is 10% that I cannot seem to get rid of.
In order for me to completely rid myself of this cancerous and shameful secret, I have decided to inform OMW of the affair.

Once this is done, I will be cancer-free and can truly become the best person I am capable of becoming."

"I'd like your support.
Our marriage will be all the better for this complete purge of the cancer."

This seems more respectful of your own marriage than saying "I am sorry that this is not what you want but i am going to do this anyway."

POJA how to expose to OMW.

This is, first and foremost, MARRIAGE BUILDING.
Exposure to OMW should be a part of MARRIAGE BUILDING wherever possible.

I was going to mention somehow incorporating PoJA too...but Pep beat me to it

I think thats an excellent way to approach it.

Back to basics:


Look at his love bank.
Make a conscious decision to make love bank deposits in the way(s) that is (are) most meaningful to him.

Notice pep say POJA the HOW to expose, not the exposure itsself.

Also, I was thinking that you should POJA the kids daycare move, the decisions to save the marriage should be done together. Doing it by yourself without talking it through with your husband can be an IB love buster. Hard part is finding the solution that you two can both be excited about while sticking to MB ways.

Ugggg!!! OMW Exposure ... FAIL!!!

H WILL NOT accept moving the kids daycare and therefore we POJA'd that if we can't protect them from the fallout than we will not tell her!!!!


HELP!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR W!!! Hope is exactly what I need right about now!!! God Bless!

That's the problem with POJA'ing with a spouse that:

1. Is wayward
2. Doesn't understand the concept


I, personally, don't think exposing to OMW's is a poja issue. Your repentance to God includes an obligation to tell that woman what you did to her. Every day you keep/maintain the secret is another day of deliberate harm to her. How you go about telling her IS poja'able but with your wayward husband it needs a well thought out strategy. These affair/revenge affair situations have so many layers. Your husband isn't going to be very receptive to you dictating what you are going to do (expose) as that will trigger him back to your old independent behaviors when you were actively cheating on him. It's an almost "entitled" approach wherein you are, again, telling him what you intend to do in no uncertain terms despite how he feels about it. On the other hand, he's wayward now and not thinking clearly himself. His empathy capacity is at an all time low and he doesn't care about himself, you, OM's wife or much of anything but MAINTAINING THE STATUS QUO so he can keep cake eating with his special divorcing friend (that he MAY have a secret bargain with to wait until her divorce is final before dating themselves...I hope you are snooping on that relationship).


Anyway...I don't think it's wise to be jumping the gun is just a couple of hours of posting. Patience.

Mr. W

p.s.- seeing that you've already dropped the ball...perhaps giving your husband some time to digest your new plan and intended direction is in order. Show him (in your Plan A) some respect. LISTEN to his opinions. In the end, you may not agree and you may go forward on your own with exposure but hear out your husband....respectively. Honesty and respect....two things your marriage needs a lot more of.

Raindancer:

You and the OM committed a "crime" against OMW. If he isn't man enough to be honest with his wife, then you should consider it your OBLIGATION to tell her.

If you were in her shoes, would YOU want to know? Tell your H that you must tell her, and he will need to work with you to navigate the "fallout."

My wife and I both had a conversation with the OMW. The OM wasn't man enough to be honest with his wife, so we helped him out. It was the best thing we ever did. The OMW was GRATEFUL that we shared all the details, and she then took appropriate action to protect her and her two kids. DIVORCE!

Don't add insult to injury by not informing the OMW. You really do owe it to her.

Thank you again, Mr. W! You are correct in everything that you stated above...

My M is lacking honesty and respect on both parts.
I am a VERY impulsive person, so I do tend to jump the gun a lot.
They did have a PA and are now "just friends" , I know it's laughable. I am aware that she is an ongoing threat, but I have chosen to fight by Plan A'ing until I can't anymore.

You guys at MB rock!!!

None taken you guys are way better figuring that out on how to do POJA that sort of thing.

I am intending to tell OMW. I am not sure how and when. I am very worried about my kids.

I hope you remember, because you will learn.....there is no such thing as just "being friends" with your affair partner. The heart cannot live with two "lovers" IMHO. It will be torn and cancerous.

And....you can only run so long from your mistakes. This A will come out eventually. There is no such thing as a secret playing this game. If you expose, then you control the content and delivery. Don't leave it up to someone else.

Question, I read a lot about how the 6 month mark after d-day that there is a lot of anger that comes back to the surface. Is this true? I feel like all of a sudden H is worse than he has been in months! How can I help him??

Thanks in advance!

Tell your H that the 3 of you (you, OM, BH) do not have the right to make the descisions about OMW's life, by witholding this info (that is vital to OMW) you are making descisions for her that are not really yours to make.

What is the worst case fallout that you fear (about the kids?)

Thanks for posting, barbiecat!

H and I have talked about that exact thing and he feels that by doing that, we are hurting the kids and by not telling her, we are choosing our kids happiness and well-being over OMW and he said and I agree that "I would choose them over anyone every time" (from now on, that is as I know that by having an affair, I chose wrong)

Fallout will be disastrous. We live in the same neighborhood and our youngest kids are best friends. OM is a POS and would absolutely do anything and everything to make our lives miserable, including involving the kids. I really am trying to protect them. I thought that the daycare thing would be the perfect way to keep them from getting hurt, but H is dead-set against it.

So, back to square one again, I guess!

Your kids are too young to even remember anything when they grow up...I believe that is a HUGE excuse to not remove them out of the daycare and tell the OMW.

Understood, but that is not the case. I am protecting my children from further damage. I know first hand of the damage that can be done to a child of divorce and I also know what damage can be done when a child is forced to grow up to reality too early.

Most of my issues stem from the above and if I hadn't known as much as I did at such a young age (7) and my parents had kept their "adult" issues to themselves, I don't think I would be nearly as screwed up today as I am.

Isn't there a way to agree to disagree at this point? Can I not move forward with the other steps? I am not saying that this can't be re-explored at a different time, but for now can we focus on other aspects of this mess??

For example .. 6 month mark? Why is the anger so much worse? How can I help him come to terms with it? In another month is my anger towards him going to surface or is it different because "I went first"?

As always, thanks!