A post by lildog (Thanks again, Lildog!)over the weekend about Forgiving the OW sparked a conversation between me (BS) and my FWH. It's been almost 2 years since D-day (around 20 months).

FWH and I are still in IC and MC about twice a month. A lot of progress made, healing, etc.

Long story short - I asked him how he views OW today. He told me that he see's things differently now. He said before because he was broken he saw things distored - he compared it to broken glass and when you look through it you think you see things but it is a distored view.

Now . . . after healing, he compared OW to Grima Wormtongue in Lord of The Rings. (Did I smile inside? Uh . . .yes! ) He said that Wormtongue spoke into King Theoden's ears. Grima Wormtongue was working for evil Soromon, plotting destruction. Grima Wormtongue whispered into King Theoden's ears, poision and manipulated him reaking havoc on the kingdom - Once Gandolf intervened (Exposure) The King was restored to health and soundness.

Me not being a expert on Lord of the Rings (I may have some of my Lord of the Rings facts wrong), but thought it interesting and I will probably watch it again.

I am a woman of faith and I have always believed like the bible says - "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of the world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" Eph 6:12 KJV

I have forgiven FWH - a not so easy process that he has enthusiastically has been a part of - which helped dramatically.

But to complete the process of forgiving OW and become completely free (a gift to myself) I have to remove her name and her face - and remember what team she was playing for and at that time it was for evil and darkness. Her 3 month reign of terror in our lives has ended and we are much stronger, happier than we've ever been. The brokeness has been repaired.

Well you're far ahead of me! while I know I am required to forgive and that it comes from God not from within me, I don't even know how to start...I feel way too much at this point. It'd be easier if she showed some remorse, but she knew what she was doing and didn't care one whit about how it affected me. To say I hate her is an understatement, and that is probably the truly saddest part of all this, the affect it has had upon me. Maybe if it was ten years from now and she was stricken with cancer I could find it in my heart...

Vows4Good,

I totally understand your point of view. From your signature line in your post it looked like D-Day for you was in June of this year. I am so sorry for what you must currently be going through and have gone through. It really sucks (that's an understatement as I'm sure you are well aware)

It's understandable when you say that you feel way too much at this point - it's only been around 4 months since June.

Two weeks after my D-Day Jan 07 my daughter was getting married. So I didn't process much for those 2 weeks because I didn't want to ruin her wedding. I stuffed it for 3 weeks - before dealing with it. OW know of impending wedding, she knew we were married.

I think for me at the 4 month point I was losing weight, and was dealing with anger towards FWH then lies and the ravages of devastation in our lives, watching it's impact on our children, our social life, people talking, financially, etc, etc. etc.

To say you feel hate is a normal understandable emotion. I have felt the same! It is good to process through the emotions, just don't let them control you.

As far as expecting any type of remorse - don't. They (OW) don't care! I'm sorry if that seems callous, but that is my opinion. What do they say? "Whoop's I'm sorry I had sex with your husband, and almost wrecked your life, and by the way I'm sorry for the emotional damage I have done to your children too? No - that most likely will never happen - and if (and that's a big if) the exception is out there and they do grow a heart - they are afraid that you'll reject them anyways.

The reason I am pushing forward and working through this forgiveness is because I don't want her to have any hold on me in any way. If I had to wait for OW to muster up the backbone it would take to admit any wrong doing and show any remorse - I'd most likely be a very old woman. I have too much to do, too much in front of me to spend my days depressed because of her actions - I am choosing to spend those days free!

There has been enough damage. My thoughts and emotions are valuable and holding bitterness or resentment towards anyone only does further damage to me. So I want to (with God's help - because it's something I cannot do on my own strength) truly forgive and be free!

Forgiveness isn't about letting the other person off the hook, or them being right - it's about me or you being free!

Vows - I will say a prayer for you tonight, my heart goes out to you!

I would give anything to have this be part of my story. What a wonderful way for you to move forward in life.

Mazel Tov!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Queenie,

I hope it could be a part of everyone's story! And I hope I can still say that 1 year - 5 years from now.

We can check bank records, phone records, emails, keyloggers, gps, voice recorders, etc. The truth is we cannot control their actions. People are going to do what they want to do.

IC has helped me change my understanding and value myself and others differently. I am giving our recovery my all. If stupid choices are made in the future by FWH, it would be devastating - but I have accepted that I am not in control of it.

I don't want to be a spy and be worrying all the time - I won't bury my head in the sand though. We have adopted many MB principals into our marriage like the POJA, Emotional Needs, and one of the ones that has made a huge difference is spending time together.

Queenie, I don't know much about your situation, looks like from your # of posts that you might be one of the vets around here.

I believe that all things can be turned around for our good. Whatever the situation! That belief comes from my faith and I'm not trying to push it on you - but Queenie my hope for you is that you will be able to say it - you deserve all the best!

I had once told OM I forgave him, about 1-1/2 months after Dday, when FWW was agreeing to NC. I said how I could understand, at least intellectually, that he thought our M was terminal and he and WW would live happily ever after.

Subsequently, when they broke NC and FWW became a cake eater and he knew he wouldn't be anything more than her fu&#162k buddy, I withdrew my pardon. I now hate him more than I've ever done so before.

Actually, 'hate' is too respectful of him. I loathe and despise that piece of $hit.

Hopefully, I'll overcome that some day as well.

Understandable Galoot and sorry for all of your pain. 26 years is a lot to invest.

My FWH was very remorseful and never went back - my being able to forgive has come from, personal change through IC (both of us), our recovery progress through our efforts and MC, and his remorse - and most importantly from a strength that comes from God.

I've been married for 25 years - so I do understand.

almost 4 years now. . . still recovering . . . MB Principals work - Get the books, do the questionairre's, know what EN's each other need, do them.

If you want amazing results you have to put in an amazing effort! It's not gonna happen any other way!

Nothing that is truly worth doing is every gonna be easy!