I was reading a thread by helpthelostdads about his friend who had an affair with a married woman, but my question is a little different in that my friend is the WW having an affair against BH. I myself was a WW--now following MB principles and restoring my M with my BH. Personally, I can't understand why anyone would WANT to keep such a dark secret from a spouse. Guilt was killing me until I confessed all. To top it off, my wayward friend has COM (one COM may actually be a OC), and while the PA stopped a few months ago, she continues EA. My BH and I don't know if it's our place to tell. It could end their M, esp since she had PAs and EAs with multiple men. Does the number make a difference to a betrayed spouse?

Anyways, my BH and I differ in thinking. I think her BH needs to know; he's at risk for STDs and I only see R if she fesses up. But I also don't want to be the one to tell. MY BH--as one who has been betrayed--doesn't want his friend to have to go through that pain. To threaten to tell or not tell--that is the question.

IMHO, it is wrong for anyone who knows of an A to do nothing.

Perhaps you can talk to your friend and tell her that she needs to tell her H or you will.

If the BH finding out ends their M, that isn't your fault - it's the fault of his WW for having As.

If you do indeed know about this A then you need to tell.

Her BH needs to know. Period!

Wheels and I found out that one of wheels, co-workers, wifes, best friend was having an affair did you hear that????

It was wheels friends wifes best friend???

Do we know this person? NO!

That same day we send the BH a FB message then a week goes by and found out it was intercepted from his WW so we waited a couple days and contacted the BH mother and Brother, or we hope they were related it looked like it being friends with the same last name and all

We do not know if they told him but in my gut I am hoping they did

If you have first-hand knowledge of the affair, then YES, you should tell the betrayed spouse.

A true friend doesn't put their friend(s) in that kind of position to choose between keeping such a huge secret and staying friends, or exposing and ending a friendship.

If you were in that position, where your husband was wandering on you....wouldn't you want to know?

Yes, for some people, the # of times does matter.

If this friend has had multiple EA/PA, then she is most likely going to keep having them until outed (and maybe even continue then, who knows).

Who needs friends like that?

Oh, and to add:

It seems your husband is friends with the BH.

How do you think their friendship would be affected if BH found out that his friend KNEW the whole time of the affair(s)...and didn't tell him?

If the BH values their friendship, he won't hold it against your husband for telling him.

Better to be honest and have a friendship end because of it than to be dishonest and have a friendship end because of it.

You could just set up a gmail account, light the fuse without giving your name and let the whole thing just happen. People get caught all the time.

Plus if shes done it multiple times its not going to stop on its own.

Consider it from the viewpoint of the BW:

Probably a dozen "friends" and acquiantances of mine knew first hand about my FWH's adultery. I didn't have a clue. It still makes me physically ill to think that those people had such important information for months but decided that I didn't need to know. Since I finally found out on my own I've had to deal with THEIR betrayal as well as my husband's. Granted, it pales in comparison to H's betrayal but I don't know how I will ever forgive those who knew all the details but let me continue playing the fool.

MY BH--as one who has been betrayed--doesn't want his friend to have to go through that pain.

So he thinks it is better for this "Friend" to continue on with a multi-wayward wife possibly raising another man's child with the hopes that she has seen the light on her own?

Tell him don't let him continue on being humilated without he even knowing it. What happens do their marriage will then be up to him at least he will be given a choice.

Hes right, I would have wanted the choice. Not that I got one.

You need to tell your friend about his WW and the affairs...
If it makes you feel better then put an anonymous note in his car, or set up a fake gmail account and email him the details...
All of these accomplish the same result and let you off the hook...
To allow a friend to remain in these terrible sitch is not the right thing to do...
Do the right thing and you will feel better about it all...

You asked if the number of affairs matter. The answer for me is yes. Anything greater than zero MATTERS!!

Lets frame the question this way:

If this man's accountant was stealing money from him, and you knew, would you tell him?

If you see this man's doctor out drinking the night before his big surgery, would you tell him?

If this man's lawyer was secretly dating the person bringing a false charge against him, would you tell him?

Why would you not tell this man that his wife is having an affair? That one of his children may not be his?

Because his marriage could end?

His marriage is dying, and he doesn't even know it!

If it DOES die, and they do divorce, is that YOUR fault?

Is it the doctor's fault who tells you you have terminal cancer?

If this woman looses her family it will be 100% because SHE destroyed it with her affair.

This man has a right to know. He has a right to make decisions about his own life. If that includes not having an unfaithful adulterer in it, then that is HIS choice to make. But to leave him to live the rest of his life, feeling something isn't right and absolutely clueless about how to fix it - that is the worst thing a 'friend' can do.

Tell him.

17m4, you have touched on exactly the critical difference between this situation and the related one posted by HTLD.

This hinges on what our individual concept/definition of "friend" is. Some folks declare they have untold numbers of friends, when what they're really establishing is that their definition of "friend" is so insubstantial that they define as a "friend" what someone with a more stringent test would leave as an "acquaintance".

Webster's first definition of "friend" is: One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare.

And there it is - nineteen words, and it's the last one that sets our course in this question. We'll accept as a given that it would to improve his welfare that the BH in this matter is informed. That said, then, a person with knowledge of BH's spouses's infidelity either informs him of the devastating information, or, by his inaction, renounce his claim of "friendship" toward the BH.

Q.E.D.

How is this relevant to either situation? What difference does the definition of the word "friend' make?

I think you're all right. Though I'd like to give WW friend a chance to do the right thing first.

How do you do that? If you say, 'friend, fess up to your BH or I will tell him myself', and friend tells her BH under that threat...has she really done the right thing?

I have been in the position of telling a friend her husband was a liar and an adulterer...she didn't want to hear it and didn't believe it and it caused a huge rift in our friendship for a few years...eventually though the truth became impossible to deny--she divorced him, made up with me and we are still friends.

However, even if she had stayed with him and never spoke to me again, I believe I did the right thing. I slept fine at night.

It's a matter of human responsibility toward another. Wouldn't you push a person out of the path of an oncoming train - even if they weren't a "friend"?

Exactly.

And wanted to add that some of my friends knew bits and pieces about what my XH was doing....if they had all told me those bits and pieces I could have put together a pretty good puzzle on my own.

I can't think of a single friend that i have that I wouldn't hesitate to inform if their spouse was having an affair. It would be the first thing I would do if I found out, even if it cost me the friendship.

I have a VERY good friend of mine admit to me that he was flirting with a woman from work (it was a one way thing) and I really chewed into him.

I told him that he was wrong, needed to get his head out of his a$$, not mess with his marriage and risk everything, and fix his marriage instead of flirting with another woman. He told me this because his wife found out about the flirting and was furious. He didn't get much support from me.

He later thanked me for the a$$ chewing, saying that it was a wakeup call he needed. He and I are still good friends.