For me, I'd take it a step further. If I saw someone who was flirting with others and was very touchy feely, I wouldn't even bother asking her for that first date.

AGG

Sidney cleared up any confusion with her reply.
That makes things very clear.
It is great that you talked with him about it.

Good luck with things - communication (as seen here) is the key.

I agree. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but the responses given here should be more in line with Marriage Builders, which is why we are here.

I also agree with Fred. A gentleman does NOT take a woman out and then hang all over her friends, he pays attention to HER. If I went out with someone and they were all touchy feeling with my friends, I probably wouldn't want a second date.

I'm glad you talked it out Sidney!

MelodyLane- I think it's good advice, however for me personally I really struggle with dating a lot of different people and always have. The reality is that there are very few people who I really enjoy spending a lot of one on one time with, so dating around kind of becomes tedious and boring to me. Perhaps I should be more open to it?

And Fred- I am so grateful to you because back when I was in the middle of my big drama last year you posted about BPD and gave me my light bulb moment of clarity concerning my ex-WH. I know you've also helped others see the light as well. So thank you!

Also re: the 'love bomb'- can you remind me what your ex-WW did early on in your relationship that you now would consider major red flags? Hate to conjur up old stuff but as people out in the dating world I think we could all use some cautionary reminders.

Well, Sidney, since this is your thread, I guess I wouldn't be considered hijacking it by answering, would I?

Probably the #1 was how fast she moved in -- literally. We started dating in September and got "snowed in" at my place in December. And for all intents and purposes, she never moved out after.

When I use the term "love bombing," that isn't me talking -- that's the term the professionals use. But it accurately describes her actions: she idolized me, flattered me, mirrored my likes and turned herself into the "woman of my dreams." My daughter once called her a chameleon -- and did so in a rare moment of openness -- long before she "flipped" on me. How right she was.

Of course, I couldn't see it. Yes, she'd been married three times before, had kids from two different husbands, had been horribly irresponsible fiscally (something she kept from me -- with my acquiescence, I admit) and did not have custody of her kids -- which should have been a tip-off, because in Virginia the mother is almost universally granted custody unless they are demonstrably unfit -- something her ex had gone to court and successfully proved.

My basic fault was that I so wanted this relationship that I turned a blind eye to the obvious. I had been single and virtually dateless for eleven years. Along comes this attractive, vivacious, sexy BPD who transforms herself into everything I thought I wanted in a woman, a spouse and I fell for it. I was susceptible to her prey and I became her latest victim.

Space does not permit me to go into greater detail. I have posted a lot in my thread, which I choose to not link here, but it's on the boards for anyone who wishes to read it.

The bottom line is that I now call her The Leopard because as we know, a leopard cannot change its spots. Neither can my BPD ex-wife. Some of the posters here, such as MelodyLane and some who are no longer here, like ZELMO, made me see that some marriages SHOULDN'T be saved, and that my own recovery would be based on healing myself. My story since then has been about my own recovery.

I don't know how capable I am of helping others. Especially since this site is about Marriage BUILDING and I haven't been very good at that. But I have learned a lot about MB principles and how one can react to the assault on one's marriage, so I stick around, continuing to learn and -- I hope -- continuing to help.

Thank you for your appreciative comments. I'm glad if my experience has been helpful to someone else.

Allow me:

Fred, your help here is immeasurable.

I don't really understand your take on not dating a lot of people. If you haven't taken this approach, how do you know there are very few people you enjoy spending time with?

I'm still in the middle of divorce proceedings, and have no plans to date for a long time, but when I do start dating, I'm going to take the good doctor's advice. Henry Cloud ( of Cloud & Townsend fame ) has a book describing this approach called "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping". I've heard good things about this book and plan to pick it up when I get closer to dating.

Sidney, I found it!

Choosing the Right One to Marry

Thank you Fred!! I appreciate your entire post- it's what I was looking for.

I think what I'm afriad of now is that having had such poor judgement in the past (and a major blind eye to the obvious)- it sometimes gets confusing trying to figure out if I'll know the difference between a BPD/love bombing person vs. a genuinely good person???

I have a thread on this forum right now. The Art of the First Date. I'm just a little further along than you, Sidney. You might find it helpful.

I am cautious, too. Once burned, twice shy, they say. But being cautious is something that SHOULD be a normal part of dating. It's something that I tossed to the wind and found myself paying for.

The woman I've started dating is moving very slowly, too. I think this is a good thing. She has a life and activities and isn't about to put them all aside for an unknown factor (me). As we get to know each other, these activities will be important in determining if we're suited for each other.

MB's principles are all about sharing interests, activities, conversation, companionship, etc. I think I'm much more aware of how The Leopard molded herself into being my "ideal." Now, I have people warning me against doing the same thing in pursuit of a new relationship.

The warnings are good to read, because they are reminders of the restraints I need to exercise for myself. However, I do have the benefit of personal experience to guide me as well.

And you do, too.

I'm not saying I'm not planning on trying to date a lot of people, I'm just saying it's not my favorite thing to do. I'm 40 years old and since the age of 15 have spent many, many years dating. Enough to know that it's not my favorite thing to do.

I'm not saying that people should not date as much as possible and I'm not saying I disagree with this advice- just sayin' that I do not, and never have, loved dating around myself.

Sidney,
I'm with you on this. I am sure it's sound advice, but I prefer not to date at all...I realize that cuts my chances of finding someone, but then I'm not looking for someone...I've had quite enough already. I've had six major relationships, I think that'd be enough for anyone. It's not that I wouldn't like sharing what's left of my life with someone, I just think the odds are against finding that person and I'm just not up to going through all that I'd have to go through...and not wanting to take the risks involved with getting close to someone again. Maybe someday, but certainly not now.

I also found Fred's statement a good one to keep in mind...I think I too have been "love bombed" by people who set out to get me and then after a time they seemed to change...when in reality, perhaps they had sugar-coated themselves all along, honing in on what they perceived I needed and wanted. I don't want that...I want authentic honesty, without which I can't make good judgment calls.