RC, I urge you to try the exercise/wellness regimen first.

You might actually find that you enjoy the unintended effects of exercise after the crisis you're going through plays out, and can/will continue. A/D's would not be something you'd want to continue indefinitely, and weaning off them is not always pleasant.

The BS looking fit, healthy, and well, often has the salutary effect of driving WS crazy.

I got much greater benefit from exercise than anti-d's. I went out and bought the toughest weight lifting tapes I could find and threw myself into them. It did much to relieve my anxiety. I am still in the habit of working out 12 years later... If you have a local gym, you might want to check into a membership for you and your daughter.

I may look into a gym. I really like walking and when the weather breaks that will be an option too. I find that passing time is the most difficult. It is funny how as messed up as our relationship was there are parts of her that I miss? I'm sure time will help.

There is just so much to think about. Luckily i don't drink but I could see how someone could take something like that and spiral out of control at this point. It really can be overwhelming.

RC

I have been thinking a lot this afternoon. I look back and my exposure was not as much a nuclear option as it could have been. I think she had a little time to spin her story a bit.

I had an email dialog with her brother and I think he gets it but doesn't want to get involved. Never heard a word from her parents, but I know they know. I've talked to a close friend of hers that was concerned about me spreading it all over Facebook. Bottom line is it almost feels like folks are feeling sorry for her since she is so messed up.

Is this typical? Also since I am in Plan B because of the DV order and headed for D court does it even matter?

RC

I would see who else I can expose to om family/friends his work, etc...

But since you are in plan b/d I would just cut your losses and start a new life.

Do you still want her back if she decides to end all contact? Do u still love her? Are u willing to keep fighting? If so then I would prolong the divorce and keep exposing. If not then stay dark and finish with the divorce.

Sapphire that is a great series of questions... I have been wrangling with the big one for the last couple of days. Do I still love her or maybe I love what I thought she was? My WW is probably a sociopath and or a serial cheater. I know she is miserable inside etc... But and it is a big but... what if any are my assurances that she can be helped or will get it?

I went semi-dark right before I filed the DV order and she was out of town. She sent me a series of heart rendering messages once she sensed something was up. Was it real or just manipulation to get me reeled back in? How do I know?

I know she is living in a bad situation and has wrecked her car on top of everything. I was always there to fix all the messes for the last 14 years. No matter what it was I did it. There were some giant messes and I did it. I learned a lot about me and my capabilities. I was abused and taken advantage of, but I did grow a resolve in me that I am proud of. It was not all bad. Like the old saying that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Truthfully I think I am just pining for something lost and need to grieve a little before I move on. I also need to walk through the fact that someone I still care for is suffering and I cannot help her.

Lastly I need to keep foremost in my head that I was cheated on and the hurt and pain I am feeling is not deserved and I should still be (and am) very mad at her. No one deserves that.

RC

I did a lot of thinking last night and got around to doing some research that my counselor suggested. She feels my WW is a strong candidate for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and after thinking and reading I agree.

It doesn't change where I am or the end result. If it is true it is a small consolation for me. It explains a little bit why none of the MB/LB stuff and Plan A helped. All it did was drain me a little further and had virtually no affect on her.

It does give me concern that the divorce will be prolonged and get ugly. They tell me that NPD's do not like their victims to break it off. I hope that part is not true. I am drained and a bunch of unkindness will be tough to get past. I realize this is most likely coming, so I must prepare.

RC

So...not only are you heavily armed living in Texas, but you could probably take most WSs hand to hand then too....

Not really a surprise. At all:)

R531,
I'm asking, no, I'm begging you........



do not to raise the specter of physical confrontations with WS's on this thread.

We just got "shut down" on this issue in the "Recovery" board, because it engendered such intense emotional responses.

wow that Texas thing lost me... long commute home etc... but I don't get. I am with you NG I could never condone any violence to a WS. I've suffered enough myself... just no rage inside me.

RC

It was simply a joke, not meant to offend at all.

I apologize.

I am a little overwhelmed at the moment... so I did not get it... I took no offense but thanks for the apology.

RC

Not that he needs me to get involved, RC, but R531's allusion was to the prior post of our favorite Texas gunslinger, Melody Lane, in which she references her physical regimen.

well I literally had my day in court and it did not go as well as I would have like. Long and short is that since I did not have a history of calling the police when my wife would hit or threaten me, the Judge declined to honor the DV petition. The laws where I live basically define a one time event as battery and is not enough to keep someone out of the house. Told me to call the police if she hit me again.

Since I have filed for divorce and am not interested in trying plan b, I elected to move out rather than attempt to cohabitate with a fog minded WW, who very likely has a personality disorder to boot.

Yesterday was horrible. I stayed up all night packing and getting ready for the movers. She was supposed to stay away until 4:00 but showed up at 1030. I had to call the police to get her to leave and quit interfering with the movers. She showed back up at 1:00 again. By then my brother had arrived and she won't act up in front of him for some reason, so she left quickly that time.

I am now out, staying with relatives till I can locate a temporary house and looking forward to NC.

RC, I have no words to guide you; some other poster here might. All I can offer is my hope and prayer that whatever family/friend support structure you have will give you the strength in person that we here can only provide through this electronic medium.

ugh, I am so sorry, RC! What does your attorney think the possibilities of getting your home back?

she will not be able to afford it long term. My attorney tells me that once we actually get to the point of negotiating that things may improve on my side. We had no children together, so she will only get her portion our marital assets.

It is darned frustrating to know that I did nothing and she did everything and is painting it as all me. She is slick enough that she has convinced her family that while "maybe" something happened it is way less than what I told them. Truth be known at this point I don't care. If someone doesn't know me well enough to know I'd have to have good information to do this, their opinion doesn't count. I must take care of my daughter and I. I want this nut case out of my life. Hopefully I can get that done quickly.

RC

I would have moved out of the house, no how, no way. Did your lawyer advise you to do that? Based on the her personality that you've described here, I wouldn't be surprised if you find it trashed if she finds herself in a position to have to give it up at some point.

Instead I'd have put up a few hidden VARs, maybe a camera or two, and simply wait until she starts the abuse again (and it probably wouldn't take long either). I'd have also considered bringing in a temporary boarder (a brother, perhaps?), so there was another pair of eyes around the house.

It was a difficult decision, but I live in a southern state and the laws favor the female. Knowing what I know the need to get out overrode the need to stay and protect the assets.

It would be too easy to get one of her kids to say that they saw me threaten her or actually hit her... Also my daughter has been abused enough and to put her back into this mess or split us up did not seem right.

I agree she may indeed trash the place. My attorney tells me that if she does we can go after her. Also if she can't afford the house, she is going to want to to have maximum value for her settlement. Either way my sanity and not having to be around her makes it worth it.

RC

RC,

I know you see all of this as it going from bad to worse. I watch your thread and think something very different.

1. YOu have tried MB and you have tried to just "hang in there" and nothing you have tried has ever worked. You NOW know that this isn't about you, but about her. Your counselor is telling you the same thing, we are telling you the same thing, and most importantly the DATA is telling you the same thing.

You must finally admit that your only error was marrying poorly. Sound terrible doesn't it? But, the reality is you did all you could to make a good marriage.

2. As you leave, the abuse will stop and that means the abuse of your daughter stops as well, that is a good thing. You being abused harms her.

3. Most women on this planet do not act like your W does, therefore, there is a potentially very bright future awaiting you once this mess is over.

4. You are starting to see things more clearly and as you do, it seems to me that you acting with more certitude and confidence, there are good things happening in your life.

5. Your life will be more peaceful once this is over.

I could go on, but RC your glass is more than half full and it is being filled. Top looking at the bottom of the glass and look at the top, you will see this as well.

I know this all is very painful, but please look at the positives that are occuring as you rid yourself of this woman. She is not the woman you love, she is not the woman you married, and she is very likely never really going to be a woman worthy of you.

You are making good choices, you're moving ahead in your life, you starting to finally protect yourself, and you are young enough to start a whole new life that is better than what you have had for years. When I was your age I struck out and started a new company from scratch. YOu can do better than I.

Hang in there, quit looking at the bottom of the glass, OK?

God Bless,

JL