My wife wanted a seperation and moved out, and two days later told me she has been having an affair with her boss. I was devestated. I have promised to do anything, and we both have been in counseling seperately - her, three weeks (this is week four) and me, one (this will be week two). I have pleaded with her to go to marriage counseling with me, but she says she does not know what she wants. She has also still been seeing him and staying with him. We have two small children, a girl two years old and a boy six months old. I have asked her not to spend the night with him until she decides what she wants to do. She has said she needs space and he makes her happy, and has said that we have never been happy, which I know is not true, and I have refuted. She got mad when I asked her to not spend the night with him, and told me that I was "taking her happiness away." I have urged her repeatedly to "give us a chance." She has replied that "I'm giving us a chance, because I have not asked for a divorce." She still works with him, and sees him every day. The only time I get is once a week, and when we are with the kids together. I have mainly taken care of the kids, while working full-time, myself. I am very scared that she will decide that she is better off with him, for she has said things like "If I try, and we go to counseling, what happens if it doesn't work? What if I'm throwing away my only chance at happiness?" I wish she would have told me her feelings. I guess she did, because she told me a month ago that she kissed him. I tried to make her quit her job, and she begged me not to, saying that it was a one-time event and would never happen again. I was a fool. I feel that our chances of working this out are very small, and I feel very helpless. I don't know what to do! I love her so much, with all my heart and soul. I love her, and can't imagine life without her. I want to make her happy and make the changes needed in our marriage. I don't know how to convince her of that. I tell her I love her, and that I would do anything for her, even die. She says it is just words. <P>I'm very depressed, and feel all hope is lost.

Repeat after me "I will be ok, I am strong, I have resources, I have friends, my kids need me." You must get to the place where you realize that you CAN live with this situation. If you haven't read it, get "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It's in most libraries. Our spouses can't love us if they don't respect us. You must at least pretend to be strong and in control. (After a while, you will actually find yourself feeling more stable.) Don't beg, whine or grovel. <P>She is in a state of temporary lunacy. It will end eventually. How it ends depends a lot on how you handle things now. Read "Surviving an Affair" available from MB, also "When a Mate Wants Out" available at midlife.com.<P>You'll be ok. Check my two posts today for a bit on my situation. Hang on. God loves you and your kids. Pray for strength. Chat here. I'll say it again, you'll be ok. It gets better, it really does. <P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

JoeJohn,<P>I feel for you...<BR>I, and many others here have had this happen to them(called betrayed) by their spouses(betrayers). When they find the Other Person/Man/Woman(OP/OM/OW) they fall into a fantasy life... and desvaste you.<P>I recommend you to read all the Marriage Builders(MB) pages. Get a few of Dr. Willard Harley's books (probably "Surviving an Affair" first.) and come here often. You are safe here... we all care for each other.<P>A few quickies... <P>Don't <B>beg</B> for your wife to come back... it will make you look weak and insecure... (even if it's only preception... it counts!) She will run into his arms away from the weakest thing she sees... because she sees OM as strong.<P>Don't promise here anything... you probably aren't at that stage of rationalization where you can commit to what you say. I thought I was... but at the time... really was not!<P>Don't feel you were a fool... her lying will most likely escalate... it doesn't mean you're doing badly or are over gullable... it's just the way it is.<P>Read up especially on Plan A/Plan B... from the left side of the home page. Start on Plan A.<P>Her saying she needs space is oh so typical... there isn't much you can do about it... much of what starts an affair can't be reversed instantaneously.<P>We know your feelings of deep despair... you've come to be our brother... we all will help you.<P>I understand about the kids (I have three, albeit older (7,10, and 17)). They must be protected... I'll give you my low-down on that if you'd like later... get going on Plan A!<P>Read...<BR>Learn...<BR>Post...<P>Jim<BR>---------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Thanks so much for your replies! I looked over some of the Q and A sessions of Dr. Harley on infidelity, and on all the subsequent attachments. I have not looked over any of the plans and will delve into the website further for help. My sister-in-law and therapist have said the same thing you did, NSR, about begging. I am not making promises I won't keep. Before I said anything, I thouroughly thought them through. I am trying to find good books and will read your suggestions. I have stopped asking her to come back. I hope that she will, and when she asks, tell her "Yes, I want you to come home. I want to work things out." But, I try not to say anything unless I'm asked.<BR>She's promised not to spend the night with him until she resolves what she wants to do, which I'm not sure is positive or negative.<BR>But thanks for all your help!

I haven't posted in awhile, and things are far less than perfect in the world. I suggest you document everything, and I mean everything...but do it quietly. Contact a good attorney for advice. Get your life together for you and the kids. If things fail....sue her BF and get every cent that you can...but don't threaren to sue, just do it when all is lost.<P>------------------<BR>

JoeJohn,<P>I feel your pain. The initial discovery time is SOOOOO painful! And your W's uncertainty about what she will do only makes things worse for you. I can sympathize. My H has been active in his affair for 8 months. It still hurts like hell!<P>But, with help, you can feel a little better as time goes on. Counselling will help (or just talking to a trusted friend). Reading books (I've read about a dozen so far) also helped me. This forum helps, too, because here you have resources who know EXACTLY how you feel, even though each of us have unique situations.<P>What helps me the most is knowledge - keeps me from feeling victimized. Even if I'm only doing this by myself, which is my case right now, I am learning to understand what happened and why. I am learning more about myself personally and more about communication with a partner. The most important things I've learned are about human dynamics and relationships. Relationships take work and I took it all for granted because things we so good between my H and myself.<P>The best advice you will get here is to do self care. This is the hardest for me. But acts of focusing on self-care will change your attitude alot. You will still want to work things out with your W, but might feel more capable if she doesn't give you the chance. You can be the rock for your children who will need you more than ever during this time. You can be a rock for yourself, because you can find the inner strength to persevere in the faace of probably the biggest challenge you will ever have in your life. <P>You have friends here. Come and express your deepest fears and regrets here. I can guarantee you someone here will have a very similar experience and we can each draw strength from sharing with one another.<P>Just focus on today if that is your best. Make it through tonight and think no further than that if you feel so overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself - you are your own best friend right now.<P>Wishing you a better day...<P>Roll Me Away

JoeJohn,<BR>You've gotten some real good advice so far. We all know what you are going through and the hurt and pain you are suffering right now. But, a few things you need to do right away.<BR> First, take care of yourself. The shock and pain you are going through right now is very draining. Try to take acre of yourself. You're going to need all the strength you can muster and you need to be strong,,mentally and physically.<BR> Second, start reading. There are lots of good suggestions and advice on this site but check your local library too. My favorite book is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Now, I know the last thing you want to do is go to the library and sit down and read. But I promise you,,this will help. Sure you think you already know alot about men, women, love and relationships but I guarantee you don't know nearly as much as you need to,,,,or at least you never needed to apply this info like you need to now!! Another thing,,this book in particular made me realize I was not crazy. All my thoughts and feelings were spelled out in this book and it was such a relief to know I was not abnormal to be feeling like I was feeling. <BR> And post when you need to. There are so many caring, compassionate people on this board. You'll find more help and suggestions and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on than you'd ever think possible. <BR> Hang in there. It's a long, hard road but you can do it!!!!!!