For those that know my other thread ignore it for the purposes of this thread. Thanks.


Just wondering, in your opinions as marriage builders elite: How do you know when it's time to move on?

For me it was when I was told one too many lie, when I realized our entire relationship was built on one lie or another. When I couldn't picture the future with her, when I realized that the pain and financial hardship of divorce would be a relief compared to the thought of spending another year together. My experience anyway.

Travis

When I just could not sit across from him one more time at a restaurant, or next to him one more time in a movie or in the car, knowing that no matter how nice a time we might have it would make no difference - he'd be right back with the slutbuckets the very next day.

I just couldn't stomach it even one more time.

I'm not one of the marriage builders elite, so maybe you don't want my answer. OTOH, I've made that decision, so it might be helpful. (I haven't read your other thread, but I'm going to after I post this answer)

It was time to move on when I couldn't live with his emotional abuse any longer. It was time to move on when I knew that he had carried feelings for the OW for too many years, and he hated me for standing between them. It was time to move on when he hit our youngest child hard enough to make him cry and then expected said child to apologize for getting upset. It was time to move on when I was praying that one of us would die.

I have some regrets in my marriage, but I will never have the regret of ending the marriage too soon. I probably stayed too long, but I know. . .I'm CERTAIN, that the marriage was over. Done. Completely finished.

Thanks for the replies so far and sorry for each of your issues.

Chris, I went and read your entire thread.

IMO, your wife is deeply, deeply depressed. She's using the time on WoW to fill up the emptiness. While I found the chat on WoW to be a bit offensive, I'm old enough to be your mother and I know that's how the younger generation communicates sometimes. I did not see that alone as evidence of an affair.

I have no idea if she's having an affair with Jon. Maybe so, maybe not. I think she has considered it based on a couple of comments she made to you.

Speaking as someone who has had a bunch of kids, it is very hard on a woman's body to have several back-to-back pregnancies like that. Did you your wife have any problems with depression after the children were born? Postpartum depression can last for a long time, and it can come up several months after a baby is born. Could you talk to her parents about the possibility of her being depressed? Would your wife be willing to go on anti-depressants if her doctor thought it would be helpful?

IMO, it's not yet time for you to move on.

I never once said she was PHYSICALLY cheating, but she has emotionally cheated (for 4 years or more).

She definitely had postpartum/depression after our first child, I'm not sure about the second two. The first is all she has ever told me about.

I know it's not time to move on. Since exposing and starting Plan A things have been going great.

Thanks for your input, if you want to ask me more questions about my other thread, please do so there

It was time to move on for me, only long after I realized it was time to move on. I give myself credit for sticking it out as long as humanly possible, even tho it cost me and my kids a lot emotionally. The one thing I know for sure about my personal experience, is that I tried everything and left it all on the field in the end.

All marriage partners need to leave it all on the field before giving up.

Unlike many on this site, I'm not sure I could have forgiven the PA my X was having if I had known about it. The fact that he hid it for a year before we ended it made all the effort I put in possible. At least I feel I have a clean slate now. My kids are/were worth every effort. Best of luck!

I think it's important to note that everyone has a different point where they feel like they've done everything they possibly could. All I can say is if you're honest with yourself, you'll know when you get to that point.

I have just recently reached that point in my M. I'm only on Day 3 of my separation. I put so much into trying to make the marriage work that I lost myself somewhere in the process. I realized that I was not liking the person that I was becoming. No matter how much fun WH and I had, it came to a point where I couldn't look at or think of him without knowing that he loves OW (possibly even more than he loves me) and I found myself becoming unable to bear it any longer. WH and I had such a great summer and then I discovered this past November that he and OW had been communicating and reaffirming their feelings for one another for two months. I was devastated and began a downward slide after that. Turns out it was just another one of our many FR's. I have to save myself.

Well, I just reached that point tonight. In the middle of a messy divorce. Been reading this site for months trying to do anything and everything to save this thing only to make it worst. Like you valeriean, I do not like the person I have become trying to save this thing and I started to lose my cool when I was threatened with all sorts of things with this divorce process. Looks like I will be heading to trial sometime in the near future. I actually thought that we were closing in on the agreement anyway but when I asked for every other Tuesday night to make it an even 50-50 split it all fell apart. Guess I'll have to suffer my fate. Part of me is tired and just wants to give in to what she wants and be done with this but another part of me wants to do what I believe is right. Don't know. Would love to have some suggestions but unfortunately the courts still favor the mom. It is going to be a long, long time before I trust anyone ever again!!!

Chris,

I echo others when they say they left it all on the field, and that they stayed to long. Dr H talks about giving it your all and if it then fails you will be able to leave the marriage with less regrets. I at this point certainly feel that way, I can only speak of the ultimate wisdom of Dr. H's statement after I have finished this D process but from where I am now I think he's spot on.

I can say that once I filed for D, I have not regretted or second guessed that decision for a minute, if anything I know I probably stayed to long because several times I have been ready to give my WW everything and walk away with the shirt on my back just to have freedom from what my marriage has become.

I guess I ready.


Cardman,

welcome aboard,

As you start your own thread others will chime in and will give you tons of advice, this board had been a life line for me for what has been a nightmare for over 4 years now.

Start your on thread, tell us your basic story, will ask what we need to know to help and stay active on the board so you can get a sound plan going.

There is hope for you, you can get access to your kids, but you have to do it right

So start your thread !!!!!

Chris, sorry for the TJ..... SC

I put a keylogger on his computer and discovered he was in an affair with a co-worker 20 years younger than him. I immediately went to plan D. I exposed the affair without letting him know about the KL...I felt done. However, six weeks later I logged on to the KL and found a chat between him and one of my cousins confirming that they had had an affair SEVEN years earlier when she was only 19. I've often related that at that moment there was a 'switch' in my brain that flipped. I knew I would NEVER take him back.

I can completely relate to the "switch" in my brain comment SW... For me it was something completely different that triggered it but there was a moment, a day that I remember VERY vividly when I thought, "I will never get past what she just did." I spent the next month or so wrestling with guilt, did I do enough in the eyes of my family and God to justify leaving? But that switch was definitely thrown, I went from hurt, caring, reconciliatory to just... dead inside. No going back from that.

What is funny about it is that I felt done when I found out about the affair he was currently having...I went gung ho into Discovery, hired a PI, a lawyer, got WH to sign a seperation agreement---got him out of the house---all within about 3 weeks. I was TORN up though...I didn't let anyone know I was wavering....but I was. I desperately wanted SOMEHOW for it to all be ok again. But when I logged on and saw that confirmation of ANOTHER affair (and massive porn viewing) I felt the switch flip. The only person I could think to call that day was the OWs husband. He said I sounded like a chipmonk on speed. LOL. I just felt...well, I did feel higher than a kite that day, because the answer was suddenly SO CLEAR. I practically fell to my knees in thanks to God for giving me the gift of clarity. There were many bad days after that, but I NEVER again questioned whether I had done enough or whether I should consider letting him come home.

So even though I THOUGHT I was done....when I was REALLY done I knew it in a different way. Like someone said...you just know.

Great posts so far everyone. I still feel like my wife and I are extremely disconnected and most here know why. I am however still pushing forward with Plan A and will work more diligently on issues when I get home in 10 months.

Hi. I am new to this discussion board but after reading a slew of books and other resources, i found what was said here the most relatable and sensible.
i am also trying to figure out if i need to go.
married 7 years. together with my husband a total of 11. one kid. we really grew a part after our daughter was born. he couldn't handle the stress and threatened divorce twice while she was an infant. that really killed it for me. he had a couple one-off extramarital episodes i only learned about recently.
i told him earlier this year that i was miserable, felt trapped, etc. but he did nothing. i suggested couples counseling, he said he had no complaints, what would we even talk about?
as this was going on, i fell in love with someone at work who is also in a bad marriage. worse than mine actually.
my husband found out about the affair (emotional purely) and he immediately admitted he had been ignoring me and burying himself in work and had ignored my earlier pleas. he is in therapy, trying to better himself. but i find that i can't stop talking with the other person and i can't find the patience to wait for my husband to "improve" himself. i feel because of those two things, that we should separate now while we can do it amicably, for the sake of our kid. but of course i hesitate because i know this is a big step. any thoughts?

You should start a new thread asking for advice. Use the Surviving An Affair section.

My opinion - quit your job and go completely no contact with the other man. Your husband has been a jerk, but he is trying to save your marriage. After spending the past year going through a divorce that is STILL not final, let me tell you that it's hell. If you choose to get divorced, it will NOT be amicable.

If my husband had not been abusive AND in love with another woman, I would still be fighting for my marriage.

The dude you have a crush on is married. He is PROBABLY lying about the state of his marriage - most people who have affairs do. You are living in Fantasy Land if you think that you're going to walk away from your husband and your child and marry this guy and live happily ever after. Not. Going. To Happen.

I also experienced the switch - the last time I initiated sex, and was refused. After 17 years of struggling sexually, I just mentally threw up my hands, and told myself in that moment, 'I give up. I will never ask him again.' And I didn't. And I don't recall him asking for sex again after that either.

For the next 3 years my struggle was similar to your description above - but mostly in terms of my relationship with God.

I am thinking of leaving my new hubby and his 3 kids who do not like me. He was a widower and after a year I married him.Things are not going well. I love him so much but he does not seem to want to reciporcate.