..and explanation from her would just seem a burden. Her unburdening her conscious and dumping onto mine. ..
Zactly, and I want to avoid that like the plague.
Perhaps what you are talking about is an apology - perhaps you do owe them an apology for not being the man you wanted to be for them. ..
When my Son was 20, I had a conversation with him. He was still living on the other side of the country, and I was still just struggling to keep our head above water financially. Not the plan I had when his Mom and I split up, but my time with Him had allways been a big concern for me and my new wife. Just bad financial planning on our part, struggling to thrive/succeed/survive with three children who were still young, and whatever else excuse I had at the time. I say excuse, because even though I worked long hours at hard labor most of the time, thier must have been wrong thinking somewhere if I wasn't prospering or at least living better. But nevermind that tripe and whining, here is the point.
When I talked with him then I was filled with apology. I told him as a Man I had to tell him I am sorry, I had made excuses and was afraid and had no excuse for leaving him hi and dry. My emotions had got in my way of thinking clearly and He didn't deserve to live his life without a Dad. I also told him that now with three more children all I could do was invite him to come and stay with us for awhile, and my kids would love to see thier brother.
I also told him that God had shown me that a Man was supposed to be with his children and protect them no matter what, and be an example of that for them. He should know and aknowledge that fact for himself, and it was up to him if he wanted to forgive me, because I screwed up. I told him this because I needed to be honest, and we could go from there if he wanted to, and so he could come out and bust me one in the nose if he felt like it, I deserved it.
He said Dad its OK, I understand. He realized how tough life can be, and his uncles, aunts, and gramma had assured him I was a good man, and that I loved him very much. I let it go for the obviuos reasons but I wanted to beat myself up in words because there is no good reason he should have to "understand". I had said the apology, and let it go at that, so we could build a relationship now.
That was 14 yrs ago, since then and the further breakdown of the marriage, along with my wifes relapse, our lives became even more unstable and tragic and drama filled. Connection was lost untill last week though I searched for Him, but still inside I had been embarrassed to contact him too. The apoligy is done though, and he knows it still sticks, and he has chosen to forgive me.
Either he has personally come to terms with his childhood, or he isn't comfortable involving you with his process of doing so. This may change in the future, in which case, your availability to him would be great - however, for you to hear his words, and convince yourself he secretly feels differently (because that is how YOU felt) will only hinder whatever burgeoning relationship you have...
He has made reference to talking about stuuf some time in the future, but not thinking it is important right now, he is so glad to hear from me. So I think he is aware of hindering the relationship, and I know he is concerned with my health too, because he asked me how I was and would hate to lose me now.
He's told you his beliefs, accept him at his word. If things change he'll let you know...
Of course this is what I will have to do, and I want to be ready, but I guess this is also what I am afraid of, and trying to avoid isn't it? I see and know how I am, I don't want to explain anything but I can if he wants to hear it. I would rather he belive the best and not have to share emotionally what I went through but I understand what you are saying, and I will not look to him to justify my decisions, putting him in that position.
I won't tell him what happened between me and his Mom, but as I have learned how normal my reactions were to her leaving and having an A and a OC while we were married were normal for me. I have been able to put that behind me also. Should I tell him if he asks? Yes I will tell him that I was young and worked all the time and didn't party anymore and how this behavior was hard for his Mom to handle so she rebelled against it. But also I had accepted that I was married and that no matter what, the integrity of the marriage at 18 was more important than our egos, respected his Mom and communicated with her a lot, shared my heart and mind, even if it was beyond her to understand it. I was a good husband, who couldn't handle his wifes betrayal, and not emotionally mature enough at 18.
I wonder if his Mom or uncles explained why we split up. That would suffice if they told about the adultry, but left out the details. I just think he should know so he can protect his marriage.
..I think that an explanation would be for you. And it may be good FOR YOU to explain, but you don't have to share that with them. Write down what you WOULD say, how you would explain. Write it down and study it, see what it tells you about yourself. ..
I figured that was what I would do, and that was the advice I was looking for also.
Although I have looked shotguns in the face, approached the scariest characters and situations without fear as anyone in that kind of stress can tell you, it NOT because you are unafraid. Its because dealing with things that threaten you in a calm rational way is your only choice sometimes. I have allways done well under pressure, performance-wise anyways, its left its scars, but some call them character, and some damage. Depends on what your looking for.
Just to be clear, once I became a Man I did not look for dangerous situations to prove how brave I was. The dangerous crap I looked for as a kid to get guts was safely stowed away, and I hid from my kids too. It was all so foolish. But I have never backed down from challenges physical or failed to protect the innocent and peace seeking individual. Most of the dangerous sitchs since youth have been when I had to respond, and I have allways sought solution to conflict.
In delicate situations where there is some emotional turbulance where my actions are concerned, it has been hard for me to explain without a reaction to fear of escalation. Its just a fact I must face about myself. I have been that way since childhood. I don't accept my reactions, and try to explain, but get so detailed I digress wanting to be understood. I have allways wanted to find out how to stop it, I know how it started, and why, but how to stop it still eludes me. To an extent its normal, but its the extent thats the problem, I guess I was used to being blamed, and taking on the challange. Such pride.
Don't worry my therapist I finnaly have, who I wanted to see about this a long time ago when I saw it at 18, who can now help me says I am very insightful so thats a good sign. I can finnaly work on this because all the drama I have allowed in my life is now gone or receding since my wifes passing, my childrens recovery from it, and my ability to be by myself with nothing to prove anymore.
It stems from guilt and insecurity, which was handed to me from my parents problems, which I FELT, I desparatly needed to fix. Most of my life I was convinced my father thought me worthless,(When really it was himself), and Mom was afraid of him. I saw the character and nobility in my Dad, even through my Moms filter which was clouded somewhat, but give any ability to communicate with others to my Mom. They were both very strong people, and good people also, but as most people learn I did too its up to me to be myself and answer to God,(The freedom from my own distorted conscience) as I understand him.
As I emphasized before above it what I FELT, and sometime still FEEL when put on the carpet about why I did what that trips me up. I am sitting here now, able to put into words clearly what I think. In a situation face to face, where emotional responses rule and I am afraid of not being clear or understood, I react and go off on tangents of detail, and take on too much responsibility trying to handle and fix stuff even knowing it isn't my fault sometimes. But if it IS my fault, it is even worse, then I emotionally beat myself up and have a hard time laughing at myself. Too much self examination, guilt, anger turned into depression.
I write better than I think, and have the objectivity then outside of pressure. I told my therapist I am a better person on paper then I am in person last week, to my surprise she said she is too.
I guess I think that I am that important Huh? Well I know I am not. My second wife called it "undefined guilt", well I would have preferred a definition, because that just left me feeling guilty about feeling guilty. Yeah go ahead and laugh, it a laughable vicious cycle, and foolish I know, but maybe with therapy and enough time out of drama some time in the future I will get my confidance back, and be able to laugh at this part of myself. I've been able to before, but in matters of family and children I have allways been seriuos, and I doubt that will ever change.
Well Vibrissa, in this explanation to YOU there is a point, and also part of why I am worried about what I will say and the truth to my Son. I understand why now I reacted the way I did way back then. I don't know if I should tell him though, but if I am going to base this relationship on honesty, maybe I should.
Becoming an adult and facing life responsibly at 18 was a gift to me. I was allways terrified of being a poor father, or being like mine was to me. Yeah I know, I understand and respect that he was all he was taught, and he had issues lets call them. He was emotionally abusive, selfish and pigheaded, and a big child. Lets not go into why my father was that way, or how I loved him anyway, and was taught I was to respect him, and how I did all those things, and still do. I had negotiated what I felt emotionally from him as his problem, forgiven him, and vowed never to be like him in my relationship with my children. I was not afraid anymore, well adjusted to dealing with people, and proud of my life I had now and hopeful of a great future..
.,,Then it all fell apart when my wife left me.. In the two years bringing the OC into the world from the affair romp, and the emotional response I understand so well now that took away any confidance in myself, I slowly wore down untill I was again an insecure child inside, mixing with a seething desire to fight it all, and did not know how. I was trying to forgive her, taking the blame for it all, protecting the innocent child we brought into the world from the doctors who saw the different color to his skin, and wanted to treat him for jaundice, and telling them why, and Her neglect to pick Him up and hold him because of her deppression and guilt. We talked to my Pastor, and he pointed out it took more than bringing a child into the world to be a father. I knew this of course, but not feeling up to the job, and wanting it all to go away, and my wife also not being able to handle it, we gave the child up for adoption. More guilt.
I was considering going out on my wife but couldn't, thinking I was not a man because of it. I was seeking promotion at my work, a place full of adultry and to get promoted I would have had to join that crowd. Promotion was more important than anything, I had something to prove now. In all this I was afraid I was turning into my father, the genetics were there, I was lost and confused. My SIL showed up and encouraged my wife to start drinking and partying. She was responsible for our move to the other state and her partying out there. It was during her stay at the house then I decided to send Wife and 1st born of 5 years old back with them when they left. I was convinced that would never recover the marriage, if I stayed in it I would turn out like my father or worse, and somehow maybe I would get my crap together faster alone and be able to be some kind of father someday. All told it had been 2 years I tried to recover and it was getting worse instead of better.
So how do you "explain" that, well you don't. It would bring all kinds of pain into his life. It is mine to bear, my choices, my problem. Sending him away was the best choice for him. His Gramm and uncles were an average family, one of the reasons I was so attracted to them, and Gramm was a very understanding woman. She helped me a lot.
I don't want to make excuses, bring up the past, or try to explain why to my Son, I just want a clear conscience and provide any tools he might need in understanding that would give him peace. I now have that chance in understanding whatever internal enemys that might have plauged my life, and can discard and ignore any negative thoughts and fears I might have. I want to give him that same chance. He deserves it, He didn't ask to be brought into this world, I am responsible for what I do and take that very seriuosly.
If you have read this whole thing Vibrissa, or anyone else. I thank you for your time. I found your points totally accurate Vibrissa, and welcome your insight. I will try to tell the story on paper so I can be very detailed about what I went through and be honest with him about anything he wants to know. So I can tell him or send a segment/letter if he asks. I wont re-write history, that would not help either of us. I still remember the little boy I told the monsters to come out and I will deal with them when he was scared once as a child in his room, the little guy I taught the alphabet, the little trouble-maker that I told on the phone had to listen to his Moms new husband cuz he was his Dad now. I have allways and will allways want to be a good Dad. I know how important it is. Too bad I was so immature and screwed up back then, it wasn't his fault. But guilt doesn't help anything, and it really is selfish too sometimes, believe me, I do see that also.
