I�m a long time lurker and I have a question. 3 days ago I went into plan B. I�m not sure I should have though.

I've tried for several months to do plan A. Obviously not very successfully because my man is living with the other woman; however he has been spending a lot of time with me, even pushing for sex. He has told me that they never have sex anymore, that he loves me, misses me and wants to leave her. There is one major issue standing in the way. He loves her kids. He is fond of her, but doesn't love her. He has given me dates that he was going to move out 3 times, but each time, he said he was physically ill at the thought of leaving the kids and he didn't leave. He seems to feel like he is their savior or something. Thing is, they are only children of divorce, not neglected or abused.

I've tried to argue the point that he is supposed to be there for her sake, and he agrees, but it seems to make no difference.

I've just come to the point where I feel like no matter what I say or do, his attachment to her kids is going to prevent him from leaving.

He has also indicated that he believes I cannot forgive him. How do you make someone believe that your willing to forgive?

This so harsh for me to deal with since I cannot have children and through the years he never expressed an interest in having any. So I�m very confused and I�m extremely anxious and devastated that he has become so attached to these kids. I do love him, and really hoped for another chance. But a person can only take so much.

We share a home, so a Plan B is going to be difficult. He lives with her, but because we are not married, but he is on the title legally I cannot block him from our home.

I know this site is for married people, but our relationship spans 17 years, and we have lived together for 7. So it feels like we were married.

So my question is, is Plan B the right thing? I feel so anxious and sad and stressed out and Im having serious withdrawal. We talked every day.

I don�t have support on this either. I am on my own.
It�s been 3 days of hell and I hope it gets better. I�m honestly disappointed that he hasn�t attempted to contact me.
My other question is should I have contacted the OW to let her know what he has been doing? Is that helpful or hurtful?

Im so scared as Im in my late 40's at the thought of being alone. I am very lonely where I live. It is very rural.

I would appreciate any advice

I would change the locks and cut off contact with him. If he wants in your house, he can buy you out.

I contacted a lawyer and they said since we are not married that I cannot change the locks or remove his belongings.

I can�t move because I don�t make enough to pay two mortgages.

I hate to admit this, and know I am a fool. He is on the title with me, and the mortgage is in my name. But please understand that I've been with him for 17 years. Up until this past year he has been faithful in splitting the finances. He lost his job about a year ago. Since then it's all been on my shoulders. I will go this route of Partition of Real Estate but not until the weather warms up some and I can hire contractors to do the work needed to get the house ready for sale.

Yes, he could be decent and sign over the title, but so far he has refused to do that. My only other option is to partition the court to split the property. Problem with that is I fear I will end up in a huge hole with because the property is old because it is in need of some major repairs.

Lynnsee, it is not illegal in any country in the world to change your door locks. You can change your locks. No one will stop you. And if he has an issue with that, he will have to hire an attorney and take you to court. The worst that could happen is that you have to give him a key.

In the meantime, I would take the necessary steps to get him off the title so you can move on.

Good luck!

I was worried about WH when I changed the locks on the house. They said I can change the locks, but then so can he. We can go round and round changing and what not. He threatened to press charges against me and I told him, go ahead. I will even dial for you."

Yes, I could change the locks, but then he would have every right to break a window or door to get into the house. So what is the point of changing the locks?

A friend of mine at work is going through some legal issues trying to get his brother to move from his mom's house. While speaking to his lawyer he asked him about my situation.

If you are not married and you share a title, there are only three options. The other person can sign over the title to you. This has come up in conversation. But he won�t do that.
You can buy the other out, but he can�t finacially do that, and I don�t want the house because it's too old and needs way too much work for me to handle. Also if I did that, I wouldn't have money left to fix it.

The last option is to partition the court to force a sale. Though this sounds good at first it isn't really. It is expensive legally and could potentially put me into serious debt. My friend�s lawyer said a judge would put your house up for auction. Since in my case the mortgage is in my name, and I don�t get enough to at least break even, I lose. With the market the way it is right now..that's not something I want to take a chance on.

This person is going through something similar and you can tell it is costly and not a good option. http://www.city-data.com/forum/real-estate/568133-forcing-partition-action-sale.html

So here I am, still trying to deal...and to warn others to never ever do what I did. Sign a title with anyone without a marriage license, no matter how much you love or trust them, no matter how long you have known them. Otherwise you have no legal rights if they cheat on you or leave you.

LynnSee, I am a real estate escrow agent and have seen this before. I'm not sure where you live, but many/most states leave open the option of approaching the court to force partition. If you can show good cause for why your BF should be off the title, the court can mandate a partition and your BF is SOL. He, of course, has the right to respond.

It weighs heavily in your favor that you are the only one on the mortgage. It's still a throw of the dice, though, unless you can prove his inability to help keep the mortgage current. Can you do this?

maritalbliss, I live in MD. If I knew that they would force him to sign over a title, without the option of forcing an auction then it might be worth the legal costs.

I need a way to be able move and keep enough money for a downpayment on something else. If this home went to action in the condition it is in, I know I would not get what we owe. We bought it as a fixer upper, and not much has been accomplished. Some, but not enough.

He isn't currently employed and hasn't been for a while so there is no way he could buy it, and he isn't paying his share anymore.

You're in plan b, but he's coming around and talking to you and asking for sex? Doesn't sound like plan b. Any kids between you?

Him not leaving her for the sake of her kids is a load. The "you won't forgive me" line is also just an excuse. Have you exposed this affair?

If you really have been in plan a for a while and he's still in the affair, it sounds like plan b is appropriate, but you really do have to go completely dark or there is no point. Do you really think he would break a window? Why does he come over? Just to see you?

I missed the part where you aren't married, which means this is not an affair. He is a free agent.


Great advice!

Thanks Melodylane. No, I am not married, and that's why I have been lurking for so long.

This was a 17 year relationship where we lived together for 7 years. Most of them very good years. My feelings are the same for him as if we were married. We shared everything, we own things together. A house, car, and furniture. That�s why I thought following the MB path would help me as well.

Is it the general consensus here that if someone is married, even if is it just for a year, that the relationship is worth trying to save, but if your not married, even though you have been together as long as I was, it isn't worth trying to save?

anoi_mouse. We don�t have children but we do have a dog that he stops in to see and for other reasons since a lot of his things are still here. This is another difficulty in my moving forward. A lawyer said I couldn�t remove his things since his name is on the title. Although he has honored my request to not come over while I�m home he still comes by while Im at work. It�s an odd feeling.

Anyway, it doesn't matter anyway, because as most of you will probably say, since Im not married why bother to try to restore the relationship. I won�t waste any more of your time asking for advice on restoring our relationship.

However, I would still appreciate some real estate advice. maritalbliss you gave me a little hope, regarding a judges potential ruling on the title. If you have any additional advice, I'd appreciate your words of wisdom.

I think I need to put my efforts into ridding myself of this home, as no matter what, that really is the only way forward for me.

Thanks to everyone for your help and advice.

I don't know if it is worth saving, that is entirely up to you. But it is not a marriage. Marriage is very different from living together. One is a tentative renters agreement, the other is a buyers agreement. The concepts here are for marriages.

Why didn't you ever get married?

He never asked. Then as years went by, it didn't seem to matter.

I'd confer w/a lawyer b/c in some states if you've lived continuously for 7 yrs or more you are considered commonlaw spouses. I'd also get advice on splitting of the property.

Seriously, this guy may never be ready for a real long term committment. He might be one who jumps from long term relationship to another one.

Ever read the MB definitions of freeloader, renters and buyers?
He sounds like a long term renter. Some times some people want all the fun and safety of a cohabitation relationship, but fear or refuse to take the ultimate step of committment, which is marriage.

Also, do not let him disrespect you buy sleeping with another woman and then coming back sniffing around for sex. You are not only allowing him to disrespect you, but he could transmit a disease.