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#2464865 01/17/11 12:02 PM
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Hi! I really hate that I'm here, but really thankful to have found this site! My DH and I are both 32. We have been married for 10 1/2 years. We have one DD--9 months---after 3 years of infertility and invitro fertilization. From my perspective, we have had a wonderful marriage--not perfect--but I thought we were very happy. In July my WH began a PA with a coworker. In August he told me the ILYBNILWY bit. Then in Sept, admitted to having PA (OW is not married and has no kids) because I had found some stuff on the computer, plus his actions just gave way to that fact. He left after he admitted the PA. He came back after a few days. Then, left again about a week later b/c he �couldn't stand to see what he was doing to me� (we were living in limbo land). He stayed gone for about a week, but then returned home b/c he felt pressure to do the right thing. A couple of weeks later, I found out who the OW was (he refused to ell me up to this point.) He left again and has not returned home since. He says the affair is over and he no longer has contact with her. I have no way of knowing this to be true. He has filed for divorce. I have been working with a Divorce Busting coach who has been very helpful. I also spoke with Steven Harley on Friday.

I�m in Plan A, even though I didn�t know to call it that until I found this sight. I�ve just been attractive, avoided relationship talk, tried to take better care of myself, and tried to make positive change that was lacking in our marriage. I�ve been doing this since mid-November. My husband comes to visit our baby almost daily, even though he rented an apt an hour and a half away from us. Crazy!! At least once a week, he will stay the night to help with the baby. So, things are a lot better between us b/c of my changes. We have fun together and are comfortable being with each other. He says he still loves me and cares about me---but its obviously in a different way than I love and care about him.

We went to a 3-day marriage seminar last weekend, but he refused to stay past Friday. He said he just couldn�t handle the guilt from what he has done. He stated he was very confused and goes back and forth on what to do. He says he knows he is probably making a huge mistake, but has to figure that out for himself. He also admitted he needs to see a counselor b/c he feels so angry and depressed all the time.

I�m trying to keep hanging on, but I�m just so confused on where to go from here. Steven Harley gave me some pointers and I will try that, but I�m just so scared for my future�not just mine�more so for my daughter. It scares me what this is doing to her. My WH keeps saying he knows he screwed up, needs to change and that he just has to live with his consequences. But, what about the consequences all of us are having to face�especially our daughter? I get so angry when I think about what he�s doing to her.

I don�t really know what I�m asking�if anything. I just need support. I need advice on where to go from here. I�m sure I didn�t answer all the questions some of you have, so just ask if you need to know anything. I appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance!


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
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Hi Stillfighting! Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome, StillFighting!

What pointers did Steve give you that you are trying to implement? Did he talk to you about exposure?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Exposure was done a while back. My dad called my husband's boss when he left me and the baby and informed him of what was going on. My husband has already told his mom about the affair--he told her before he told me. Our church knows. Once I found out who the OW was, I called WH's boss myself and informed him of who the OW was. Because it was a coworker, she was immediately fired and my WH was laid off--but eseentially he got a week's vacations b/c he was back at work the next week. (WH worked for a local politician who got defeated back in November, so he ended up losing his job but not b/c of affair.) Many ppl know what has happened. I sent the OW an email (a very cordial one) advising her that I knew who she was and to back off. I don't know if her parents know--I honestly never even thought of informing them until the past couple of days. Since I don't know if they are still involved (I don't think they are) and since we are almost three months removed from the bomb, I'm not sure what effect exposing the affair to them would have.

Steven suggested that I ask my husband if he felt that in an ideal marriage where he could be happy that would he want to be in love with the mother of his daughter. If he says yes, then explain to him that I've found a way that he may could have that and go from there. I have to try to make it all bout him and his happiness since he is still in the illogical and selfish state. I'm just nervous to do that b/c he tends to rebel with too much relationship talk and it pushes him further away. So, I know I need to do it--just nervous. Call me chicken!


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by StillFighting
I don't know if her parents know--I honestly never even thought of informing them until the past couple of days. Since I don't know if they are still involved (I don't think they are) and since we are almost three months removed from the bomb, I'm not sure what effect exposing the affair to them would have.

SF, I would strongly suggest you expose it to OW's parents, family and friends. The more trouble you can cause for her, the less likely she is to pursue her affair with your husband. If her family knows, they will be unlikely to allow your H to darken their doorstep, which WILL RUIN THE FUTURE OF THE AFFAIR.

We have had many parents step in and ruin affairs. Go read abc098's thread. His wife is having an affair and he exposed to the OM's parents. The OM's parents got on a plane and are flying out to have a come to Jesus with their son. We have had other affairs killed when a parent got involved.

I would see if the OW has a facebook affair and if she does, expose to her family and friends on facebook. This might be the very thing to kill off the affair. We have sample letters you can use to send to the OW's facebook friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by StillFighting
My husband has already told his mom about the affair--he told her before he told me

Have you personally spoken to his mom and his family members? Because if you haven't, they have probably been told a lie about all this. I don't know of any wayward who exposed himself and did it honestly. They lie and spin.

This is something else I would do. Call his family members and make sure they have the truth. Ask them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by StillFighting
Since I don't know if they are still involved (I don't think they are) and since we are almost three months removed from the bomb, I'm not sure what effect exposing the affair to them would have.
\

I assure you they are still involved. This explains his refusal to move home and/or spend the night with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with Melody.

Why would he move 1 1/2 hours away? Especially with a new baby...THAT HE SEE'S DAILY? Are you saying he drives 1 1/2 hours to your house, THEN he drives 1 1/2 hours BACK to his place at night?

Do the math darling. 1+1=3 as in: there are THREE people in your marriage.

Don't mean to be rough on you but read the threads...

Listen to the VETS...

Men who WANT their marriage to work and are NOT involved don't live away from home. That's a fact.


BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


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He does sometimes spend the night--usually at least once a week. He moved an hour and a half away b/c he only has one friend that he is still involved with and he lives in that town. That's where WH went to stay when he left home. His family is out of state. He told me that he regrets moving so far from the baby.

I talk to his mother frequently, so she is aware of everything. His family has told him that they in no way condone what he is doing.

I don't even know the OW's parents. She no longer has a facebook account b/c I've tried fiding her. My husband took his off too. I know he was afraid of ppl saying stuff to him. I'm sure she took hers off for the same reason. How can I find out who her parents are without him knowing what i'm doing?

The reason I say he isn't involved with her any longer is b/c he is so much more involved with me and the baby now. He comes around more now than he did when he was still living at home. he is much more engaged with us when he is there. Also, the divorce busting coach I've been working with feels that b/c of his positive change in behavior that he probably is not with her. I could be totally wrong--very likely am---but that's where my outlook is coming from right now. I'm sure I'm being stupid. I tend to look at the positives and not necessarily teh reality sometimes....


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 279
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Please search for 'FOG BABBLE' on this site.

If he is 'staying' with a friend and does not have his own place, why won't he come back home? THINK

Affairs thrive in secret, aka: no facebook pages-no one can find them. aka: far away from home town-no one can see them.

Of course he doesn't people saying anything to him. That would burst the fantasy bubble!

YOU HAVE GOT TO EXPOSE TO OW FAMILY





BS/ME 47 Met on blind date
WH 46(Alcoholic,drugs?)
DS1:18 DS2:15
1st A EA9/07 PA10/07 NC11/07
2nd A EA/PA-10/2010
Found out- 11/20/2010
He moved out-1/1/2011 same apt.cmplx as OW(&her kids)
PlanB-1/1/11(broken)
NEW PB-2/11 Taking it one day at a time


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done" and those to whom God says, "Alright then, have it your way." ~C .S.Lewis


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I'm sorry that I was confusing--the friend he stayed with is in the same town where he is now. But, WH does have his own apt now. He signed a 6 month lease last month.

How do I find out who her parents are? I never met the girl. I know her name and where she is from, but that's about it. The town she is from is a pretty large place, so I don't know how to find out who her parents are without asking my WH.


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 60
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I searched for FOG BABBLE and a lot came up, so what exactly am I looking for so I don't spend countless time looking through stuff? Thanks!


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by StillFighting
The reason I say he isn't involved with her any longer is b/c he is so much more involved with me and the baby now. He comes around more now than he did when he was still living at home. he is much more engaged with us when he is there. Also, the divorce busting coach I've been working with feels that b/c of his positive change in behavior that he probably is not with her. I could be totally wrong--very likely am---but that's where my outlook is coming from right now. I'm sure I'm being stupid. I tend to look at the positives and not necessarily teh reality sometimes....

Divorce Busters is about the WORST program I have ever seen when it came to busting up an affair. Their suggestions are so naive and unproductive that it is shocking. We have had BS's come here after being on DB for months and years whose spouses' affairs were busted up by using our suggestions here. One such person, SunnyD, is well into recovery today by using our suggestions. Her H's affair was killed in one weekend by exposure, yet they had coached her on DB to not expose. If she had followed their advice, her H would still be in an affair and they would still be separated today.

I assure you that your H is still in his affair and until you bust that up, recovery is impossible. All the need meeting, etc, etc, will be of no avail until he ends his affair. Ignoring the affair is to ignore the sinking Titanic.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by StillFighting
I'm sorry that I was confusing--the friend he stayed with is in the same town where he is now. But, WH does have his own apt now. He signed a 6 month lease last month.

How do I find out who her parents are? I never met the girl. I know her name and where she is from, but that's about it. The town she is from is a pretty large place, so I don't know how to find out who her parents are without asking my WH.

A PI can dig it up pretty quickly with a background check. It usually runs about $250-350 but it is well worth it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I've thought about driving to his new place one night just to do my own spying.
I've actually looked up the girls name on whitepages.com and only one person with her first, middle initial, and last name came up. It had a houselhold memeber listed that sounded like an older woman's name. I'd hate to call that and it be the wrong person. Also, should I make sure they are still involved before exposing her or just go ahead and do it anyway?


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Intellius.com would find it for about $50 or less.

I would also make yourself less available to your WH and go to plan B. It's been long enough, especially if OW is out of the picture. You need to make him **** or get off the pot. IF he's afraid that waiting any longer will risk losing you, he's much more likely to commit to the marriage again, even if he's currently not sure.

Last edited by jmwc95; 01/17/11 01:50 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by StillFighting
I've thought about driving to his new place one night just to do my own spying.
I've actually looked up the girls name on whitepages.com and only one person with her first, middle initial, and last name came up. It had a houselhold memeber listed that sounded like an older woman's name. I'd hate to call that and it be the wrong person. Also, should I make sure they are still involved before exposing her or just go ahead and do it anyway?

You should expose anyway; but I assure you the affair is still on. That is very evident to anyone with a modicum of experience with adultery. His foggy mind and the fact that he won't move home tells the whole story.

You can call the # you found and ask the woman if her DD is "such and such who works at XXXXX?" That way if it is the wrong person you can find out quickly before you tell her the story.

How close is this address to your H's new apartment?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The city she is from is about an hour and a half to two hours from my husband's apt.

I just paid $5 to search her cell phone (I do have that #) and it gave me the name of a man (her father I assume) that the account is linked to. So, now I do know her father's name, but when I looked up his name on white pages there were about a billion in that city. I can't call her cell phone b/c I"m sure my husband has already given her my number, plus I tried calling her when I found out who she was!
Any advice on doing my own snooping?


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 60
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Well, I did the intellius thing and found out who her parents are and a phone #/address. Is it best to call or send a letter or both? I just found that my Wh is back on FB, but I couldn't find her. And of course, she isn't one of his friends.


Me: BS 32
WH: 32
DD: 10 months
ILYBNILWY: August
Bomb of PA: September
WH left: October
WH filed for Divorce: November
Me: Still fighting
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by StillFighting
Well, I did the intellius thing and found out who her parents are and a phone #/address. Is it best to call or send a letter or both? I just found that my Wh is back on FB, but I couldn't find her. And of course, she isn't one of his friends.

I would pick up the phone and give them a call. Unless they live close. Do they live close?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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