Stillfighting, did you expose to the OW's parents? WE already knew he was still in touch with the OW, so nothing has changed on that front.

I would get this exposure done and then start planning on going into Plan B in the next couple of weeks. I wouldn't get a consensus,[our best thinking screwed up our marriages, after all] but follow Dr Harley's direction, which is that Plan A should last about 3 weeks and then Plan B is warranted. I would strongly recommend you go into Plan B because the longer you stay in Plan A the more entrenched the affair becomes and the greater the harm on you mentally and physically.

You would want to set up something where a child exchange can take place without you seeing him. I would get your locks changed, and find an intermediary who will remain neutral and pass on only pertinent messages.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I just got the book Surviving an Affair yesterday, so I'm not very far into it yet.

I do not have access to his FB account. He changed his password and she is not one of his friends. I'm sure he took her off b/c all of our family knows her name, so I'm sure he knew someone would try to contact her that way. And, yes, his parents do know. I even told his mother the other night that he was still in contact with OW. I have a letter prepared to send to OW's parents. I have another coaching session with Steve set for Monday, so I'm waiting to talk to him before I act on anything at this point.

My aunt, who is my babysitter, can act as intermediary. I will allow him to come two to three days a week for a couple of hours while I am at work so he can see the baby. She can let him know of any formula, money, diaper needs we may have. He will no longer be allowed just to come whenever he wants. My baby is getting used to seeing him everyday and I know if the divorce goes through that will all change and she won't understand, so I need to just act as if that's going to happen so she won't be so confused and hurt. She's only 9 months, but she picks up on things and will continue to do so the older she gets. He will not (hopefully) be allowed to take her out of my home for any reason--including overnight visitation--due to her age and the fact that he chose to live so far away.

I need help with a Plan B letter. I need to go ahead and get as many ducks in a row as I can before I act on anything.

Sample of my Plan B letter:

I remember the day we met and thinking then that I might marry you one day. I remember talking on the phone for hours�falling asleep in the hallway of my dorm b/c we were up so late talking. I remember our first kiss and not being able to get out of your Blazer b/c the door was locked.  I remember our first time and all the passion we shared. I remember walking down the aisle to you and being so nervous because of this new life I was embarking on, but as soon as I became your wife all the nerves went away and I became happier than I ever have in my life. You did that for me. You have been a wonderful husband. You make me laugh like no other. You appreciate my silliness and laugh along with me. You took me to NYC and gave me lasting memories. I remember how excited you were when DD was born and how you just knew it was going to be a �DD� before we ever got pregnant. I have so many incredible memories of the past 12 years that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I remember a time that we were passionately in love and I long for those days to come again.

On our wedding day I made a promise to you in front of God and our family to love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan on keeping that promise in the future.

I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I foolishly neglected your most important needs and was ignorant to the fact that there were true problems. I did not fulfill you sexually and did not allow you to feel that you were a vital part of my life and our marriage. I selfishly put myself first more often than not. For this and more, I am eternally regretful and truly sorry.

What I have been able to do is recognize some of those errors in judgment and actions or inactions; and I have learned from them . The depth of my understanding will help me take steps that will ensure that they will not happen again. I have been taking courses through counseling in order to open my eyes to the needs of others and myself.
I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. I lost sight of the importance of you as a husband and a father. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in meeting them.

I am more than willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for us that will meet your needs and then some. But, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you in any way---phone, email, text. I am attaching a parenting plan that discusses visitation times for DD and other financial matters. If you want to communicate about DD, it will have to be through IM.

WS, this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of the affair.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be around you any longer knowing you are still involved with her. I love and adore you, but I cannot see you under those conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and are willing to follow all measures to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional and physical needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I want to raise DD as God intended us to�together as a family, giving her the life she so very much deserves. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend once again.

I loved you when we married and I love you more now that I did then. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are involved, in any way, with OW. As soon as you can fully, permanently, and unconditionally separate from her; I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage. WH, I want to grow old with you. I want to raise our precious baby together and give her the stability of family and home. When I said, �I do,� I meant forever. I want to be your wife, your friend, and you lover.

With all my love,
BS

Not bad in substance, but a pinch too long. May I?

Thanks for the feedback!

Maybe some of you can help me as well (sorry SF... we are int he same boat I know). What do you do for a plan b letter when WH is quite adamant that he does NOT want to stay married to me, has possibly moved in with OW, and is pushing the divorce to go through? I think if I were to make this appeal, he would say I am moving on and don't want to be with you. Do I not even bother with a new plan b letter and just give up? I have an appt with steve tomorrow.... I am so g-d confused it's not funny!

Had another coaching session with Steve this am. He is really nice. He does not feel Plan B is on the table for now, so I should just continue with Plan A. I also have a letter to OW's parents that I will be mailing tomorrow. Scared to death to do that, but I know it needs to be done. Like Steve said, my husband is supposedly "the one" and she loves him so much--wouldn't she want to share that glorious news with her family?! ;-) I know my WH will be upset, but this is the analogy I'm trying to use in my head: I'm a mama bear fighting for her cub (my daughter and my marriage) and I will take anyone down who stands in my way. I may go down in the process, but I'm not gonna stop fighting!
Steve also suggested I keep trying to approach my husband with the idea of talking to him in a coaching session as something that will allow him to see that a path to happiness is possible. B/c my WH is still in the fog and still involved with OW, he is still being incredibly selfish; so I have to make this all about him and his happiness. It's so hard being attractive and kind when all you want to do is grab your WS by the ears and shake them really hard--to say the least!

Haven't been on here in a while, but need some advice....

On Feb 11, I essentially went into plan B with my husband. By Feb 15, he wanted to work on our marriage. So he came home on Friday and we went on a date. It was fun and we had a great time together as a family on Saturday. He told me he was a fool and that it had always been me and always would be me. He was finished being "stupid" and knew he had gone crazy.
Well, now true withdrawal has set in and he is severely depressed and greatly angry at me.
My question--is the anger at me natural? He has said some hurtful things today and I keep telling myself that he has to work through all of this as part of the withdrawal and he will eventually come around. I've made it this far, I can't give up now. Right? Please help.

The anger is normal. My husband was like that too..........didn't last long, it's called withdrawal and they blamed us for it......for giving up their fantasy...........
Hang in there

Thanks. He asked me today if being angry at me was a normal part of this process. I told him it was b/c I was the reason he could not be with OW. I told him with time it would go away. He then just slams me with texts telling me he is sorry for hurting me b/c he doesn't want to be at home and that I used the baby to get him back (told him that wasn't what I was doing when I stopped contact with him b/c he was still allowed to see the baby). He told me that over time he might could regain his feelings for me but he just didn't see it happening. I did convince him to talk to Steve Harley, so he has an appt with him on Friday. He didn't want to do it but I told him he needed to talk to someone to help him through this.
Thanks for your response. I'm so hurt and scared. How long did this last for you?

Would it be a good idea to plan a getaway for us this weekend--even though he is going through such a rough time? Would it help just to get away and be together or would he hate me more?

I think it would be nice for him to have his talk with Steve and then the two of you take off for the weekend. Go somewhere nice and concentrate on building some good memories.

Harley does say this can help him work through the withdrawal. However, he also says not to expect much from WS during this time... so you would have to temper your expectations a lot.

Just a note..

You're doing a great great plan A.

But do NOT neglect the stick and please, please lose the civility when it comes to the ow.

Have NO MERCY on her at all. None! I mean it.

If and when you have to deal with her (and I hope you will call her out and expose to ALL of her family and friends) you will remember that she was not civil to you. She f'd your Husband, tried to destroy your family, and make your precious sweet baby grow up in a broken home because your WH was something she wanted to possess.

Why be civil to somebody hell bent on destroying you and your family and make your childs' heart break forever? I say that b/c my son went thru our divorce and it did break his sweet heart.

So heal. Do the BEST plan A you can do. But when it comes to the STICK part, if there is any exposure, please please lose the nicey nicey with the skank. She is the ENEMY of you, your marriage, your husband and the enemy of your sweet, sweet baby.

My husband left again last night for good. Said he just couldn't do it. He said it was over with us for good and for me to move on. I'm devastated.

SF... I am so sorry to hear this. You know I have gone through the same thing. I am unfortunately still holding on to some hope; why I don't know. there is a letter on here that someone posted recently that I found and it helped a lot. It I believe is called, what to expect if you marry your affair partner, or something along those lines. It was good.

I believe that your husband is saying that he just can't do it b/c of the withdrawal. Remember, he is like a drug addict withdrawing from drugs. They go through the same thing, that they can't do it and they want the drugs. They want those feel good fellings that they have had for so long, and your husband is no different. He will eventually realize what he has lost; don't doubt that for a minute.

Hang in there and keep coming back here for support. It is one of the things that has helped me through it. The only thing you can change is yourself so keep focused on that for sure!

Hugs to you!

OH! Those blasted, conflicted waywards!!

Still, he'll be back. He couldn't handle withdrawal. And when he comes back, you need to have some serious precautions and boundaries set up to protect yourself.

I suspect he's going to waffle back and forth between the two of you to get his needs completely met. I don't want to go against anything Steve might have counseled you, but I think now would be a good time to go to Plan B to protect yourself.

I think he is doing it b/c of the withdrawal, too. But, I can't get him to see or understand that. I tried. I guess this is something he has to figure out for himself.

Still, did you expose this to her parents?

No, I never did. Almost everyone else knew so I just really struggled with that. I know I should have and need to, but would it really matter now? Please don't beat me up over this. I can't take too much more right now.;-)