1. Did you try to recover your marriage? If so for how long?
2. Did the WS follow NC?
3. Who initiated the divorce/separation?
4. What things did the BS (OMG, I am so sorry I meant WS)do or didn't do that caused the divorce/separation? Sorry meant what did/didn't the WS spouse do that caused the divorce or separation...that made recovery impossible?
5. Did you go through the state of withdrawal before divorce or shortly after the affair?
6. Did you both seek counseling?
7. Did either of you read any of Harley's books?
8. Any other important information?

1. Yes, but I did it all wrong. I caved and gave her the divorce she wanted.

2. No.

3. She did.

4. I did everything she wanted and ignored MB advice.

5. NA for me.

6. Yes, but the counselor had no idea how to save a marriage. He encouraged me to follow her plan, which was to D without making it difficult.

7. No.

8. If she leaves, things will suck for a while but you will eventually move on and things get better. I'm remarried and very happy.

My experience may be different from the average of people on this forum. I only found the forum recently.

My husband had an emotional affair that lasted many years with his "running buddy." We went to marriage counseling starting in '06 or '07 at his request. After about 5 sessions, my husband made it clear that there was nothing wrong with him and that he wanted the counselor to fix me. Our marriage counselor told him that when people go into counseling with that attitude the usual result is divorce. The counselor also asked him to come in for individual counseling, but after 2 or 3 sessions, he stopped going. I continued seeing the MC off and on for help in dealing with my husband who was emotionally and verbally abusive.

After I realized the extent of his EA, I asked him to go NC, but the MC did not back me up in that request and my WH refused.

My WH initiated the first separation in the fall of '08. At that time, the OW refused to date him and he moved back home after a few weeks.

The second separation was at my insistence and it began in August of '09. Immediately after moving out, he opened a separate bank account and stopped providing ongoing financial support to me and the children. He also started asking the OW out on dates, and this time she agreed to see him "as friends."

Around the time of the second separation I had a final meeting with the marriage counselor. At that appointment, he told me that he thinks my WH may have a personality disorder. I have researched PDs and feel pretty strongly that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

In November of '09 I filed for divorce.

To be perfectly honest, my husband had totally destroyed all my feelings toward him over the years. I only remained married to him because I felt that as a Christian I did not have sufficient grounds to end the marriage. I was in denial about the level of emotional/psychological/verbal abuse he was subjecting me to. I was also in denial about how damaging an emotional affair is to the marriage.

About a year after the second separation, my WH started seeing an individual counselor. I do not know what the focus of those sessions has been.

I have a series of appointments to see a counselor as well. I believe that I may be suffering from PTSD.

The EA eventually became a PA during the divorce process.

As far as I know, my husband has never read any of Harley's books. I have read much of the website, but have not read any of his books either.

You asked what did the BS do or not do that caused the separation/divorce. My WH would tell you that I was lazy, didn't keep the house clean enough, and did not fulfill him sexually. My response to that is that I had an undiagnosed medical condition that exacerbated my arthritis. This condition caused severe joint pain. I look very young for my age, and he did not believe that I was in pain. He thought I was being lazy. I was also deeply depressed by the time I made the decision to ask him to move out.

My divorce should be final by the end of the month.

Once my H was in the A he was an alien and was totally addicted to the OW and M her. He is now an alcoholic, in bankruptcy and spiraling all within 2 years

I apologize to everyone. I made a mistake in my tiredness. I meant what the WS did/didn't do that caused the divorce/separation...that made recovery not possible...

Rather than answer your questions individucally, let me just answer in general terms. My husband fell in love with a woman he went to high school with who lived 800 miles away. Their affair was consumated when he went to her city to visit his parents. I discovered the cheating a month later. He didn't deny it and told me he was in love with her and that their "relationship" would continue but he wanted to remain married. It took him six weeks to move out and I really had to push but I obviously couldn't stay under the same roof with him. I was devastated, physically ill and close to a breakdown. It was the most excruciatingly painful time of my life (and I've lost both my parents and some very dear friends).

Knowing that I shouldn't make any real decisions regarding the marriage for at least 6 months, I waited and tried to take care of myself and our two sons. As I moved through my grief I realized that our marriage couldn't be saved because he was never going to give her up.

Again, I didn't rush to file and we agreed to handle it as simply and civily as possible so we filed no-fault. He has paid child support since he moved out in October, 2009. Our divorce was final this past November (1 year, 3 months after discovery) He quit his job here and three days after our divorce was final he moved to her state to live with her. He continues to pay child support and said he had enough money to do so for five months and felt sure he'd find a job in that time frame (pretty scary from my end).

Now, less than 2 months after our divorce was finalized, he married her last week. He called to tell me they were going to marry so soon because he needed to get under her work's health insurance immediately because he had some serious medical worries and needed to see a doctor. That may be true but, all along, I think because of his guilt, he has presented me with reasons for every decision he's made regarding her and thinking he's putting our boys first: quitting his job, moving there, living with her, marrying her, etc. He thought it was more important that he get a good job there so he can better provide for our sons financially, thinking that was more important than being in their lives on a daily basis. Now, he'll see them a few times a year. Geez.

This is a 51 year-old man who has no job, no savings, has very limited cash-on-hand and no health insurance who is now married. I thought I was doing remarkably well until 4 days ago, when I knew they had tied the knot. He's still living in two worlds; still compartmentalizing his new life with his old and thinking he's balance them beautifully. He doesn't want to tell our sons he's remarried for about A YEAR, saying he wants to wait until there can be a ceremony and a celebration, instead of just marrying for insurance. Can you spell A-V-O-I-D-A-N-C-E?
I told him he had to tell our children soon, very soon.

I can't change him but I knew I couldn't live with him. One day I sat down and thought of best case and worst case scenario of what could happen versus what I wanted to happen. I realized that although I loved him I would, ultimately, find happiness without him. I still feel the same way and despite this emotional setback with his marriage, I will come out of this with resolve and optimism about making a good life for me and my chldren. I will probably also seek counseling now to work through some of the pain I had put aside, especially since recognizing in recent days that I still have pain to work through.

The year and three months has seemed incredibly long. I remember when I first came here, soon after the affair was discovered I thought I couldn't possibly survive a week or a month, let alone six months to a year or beyond. It was and reamins a day at a time. Don't despair, though. I am so much better and better off than I was during those initial months. I did survive. I do survive only now I also live and smile and laugh and love my children and other family members and understand that I was a whole person before I met my ex-husband and will be/can be whole again. Only better.

Best of luck in your journey.

Thank you so far to those who have responded and are willing to share your story. I don't know what's it like to be on the receiving end. But it helps me put into perspective what things could be going on in a BS's mind.

I hope that 2011 will be a better new year than the last:)

1 Did you try to recover your marriage? If so for how long?
No.

2. Did the WS follow NC?
No.

3. Who initiated the divorce/separation?
I did.

4. What things did the WS (OMG, I am so sorry I meant WS)do or didn't do that caused the divorce/separation? Sorry meant what did/didn't the WS spouse do that caused the divorce or separation...that made recovery impossible?
Are you kidding? I asked my wife one night if her lover were in town (he lives in another country) if she would leave me and our daughter to go see him, she said yes. I then asked her if she would have sex with him while she was there, she said�. �of course I would�!!

5. Did you go through the state of withdrawal before divorce or shortly after the affair?
No. I hated my ex-wife too much to have withdrawals. I missed the person I married. I don�t care to know the person she has become.

6. Did you both seek counseling?
No. I talked to the Pastor of our church and a few more people I trust. My dad is a Deacon, he told me that the moment she spread her legs I was a free man in God�s eyes.

7. Did either of you read any of Harley's books?
Yes, I read HNHN, I fully intend to implement Dr. Harley�s methods in my next relationship. Good Stuff.

8. Any other important information?
It came down to acceptance for me. Even if I had stayed and worked to regain my marriage and my family which I loved dearly, I knew deep down that I could never forget what she did. No amount of apologies or forgiveness will ever change that for me.

Did you try to recover your marriage? Have been trying to save my marriage since August.
2. Did the WS follow NC? Not initially--not sure at this point. He left and filed for divorce.
3. Who initiated the divorce/separation? WS did
4. What things did the BS (OMG, I am so sorry I meant WS)do or didn't do that caused the divorce/separation? Sorry meant what did/didn't the WS spouse do that caused the divorce or separation...that made recovery impossible? He refused to work on the relationship at all. He got angry and shut down with any relationship talk.
5. Did you go through the state of withdrawal before divorce or shortly after the affair? Yes--felt so lonely and isolated. NOthing I knew to be true and secure were the same. I also tried little contact with him, but that has been difficult--especially since we have a baby.
6. Did you both seek counseling? He refused counseling. I've done a lot of phone coaching.
7. Did either of you read any of Harley's books? We are both very familiar with HNHN. I've ordered Surviving an Affair.
8. Any other important information?

Yes, I tried very hard to recover my marriage (did instant nuclear exposure - after that I Plan A'd for about a week) until she told our counselor that she could not be faithful to me for a 3 month trial period, and then I found a text from a second man on her phone. She was foggy and knew it, but couldn't control or conceive of her life without her addiction.
Yes, but not by her choice. When I exposed to her boss (who then fired her because it was going on in the office primarily) and to OM's BW, she tried to see him in his office one last time but he told her that he was going to work things out with his wife and had an accountability team surrounding him (he was a local politician and a church elder, father of two). Then, in her fog, she found OM #2, whom we both knew peripherally, at a coffee shop when she was trying to "defog". Unfortunately for her, I left my phone at a friend's house a few days later, borrowed hers, and after my call a text from new guy pops up: "I have a gift for u, pretty girl, can u get away tonight?" I just looked at her and gave her the phone back, shook my head, and walked to our bedroom (she started sleeping in the guest room post D-Day).... she's following me and going "he's JUST A FRIEND!!! I just need someone who understands right now.." I turned around, told her sadly, "that person should be me," and walked away again. Then she says pitifully (classic line here): "I wish you could just TRUST me!" Yeah, so we split, and even though all she wanted was "freedom", she got pregnant from this new guy and now they have a baby together (he has two other kids from two other mothers). YAY! And she's struggling to make the mortgage payment every month so "Mother-in-Law" moved straight from Mexico into the house, doesn't speak English. She is solely responsible for the house payments and repairs, BUT has to give me $20K if/when our house reaches what we paid for it. She also has renters and now, with new baby, a lot to juggle. She has lost every friend we had (not by my hand, she did it all herself). So, yeah, she's definitely "free" and living well. I understand she's estranged from her family now as well.... These are the fruits of adultery.
I did. After she drove to San Francisco to visit old friends, and I felt like I'd been banging my head against a rock trying to give her a chance to come back, and at the EXCELLENT advice given to me by a lot of veterans (who sadly, are not around for the most part these days) to DIVORCE. So I told her I had to divorce her, and she started crying (even though that'd been what she "wanted" ever since D-Day). Whatever.
I think I covered that above - basically a stated "inability" to comply with NC with men sexually. At least she was honest about that!!! Honestly, my world was so shaken up that I would probably have tried to work things out if she hadn't at least been honest about her intentions.
Heck yes. I went to a counselor once a week and immersed myself in family and friends, had an anti-anxiety prescription to ward off the panic attacks, and basically mourned someone who had "died" to me. Except I almost felt it was worse than death because she was still walking the earth, still alive, but gone to me. Divorce helped bring closure, but the pain was still pretty bad sometimes.
No, but I read all his pertinent articles here and printed out some for her. Pre D-Day, I knew we were having "problems" so I had us do the EN questionnaire.
Now, my life has taken a very different direction than what I imagined, but I believe it's all been for a greater good. Sure, it was horrible to go through, but it brought me permanently closer to my family, including my brother and sister, and eventually led me to my girlfriend who is more wonderful than I could ever have imagined or expected - and I'm becoming a part of her family as well, who are close, loving, and wonderful. My parents LOVE my girlfriend and overall, life is SO much better three years out. But it was a ROUGH path to get to being "okay" sometimes.

Ask me if you have any more questions! I'm here to help!

1. Did you try to recover your marriage? If so for how long?

Yes, I tried - for 16 months.

2. Did the WS follow NC?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. So over all, that would be no? After some separation this past spring, WH and I got back together and I eventually moved back home. Things went well this past summer and I'm pretty sure there was NC between WH and OW until she called him up this past September to tell him she was moving to San Francisco. That was all he needed to slip up.

3. Who initiated the divorce/separation?

WH asked for a divorce December 2009. We had several FR's over the winter and spring before seeming to get things right for awhile. He broke NC in September 2010 and it ended in NOvember 2010, though he could be lying to me. After 16 months, he has managed STILL to not commit fully, emotionally, wholeheartedly to the marriage and I cannot take the anguish any more. If there really is NC between he and OW, something is going on because his feelings for just are not going away. I initiated separation yesterday (1/16/11).

4. What things did the BS (OMG, I am so sorry I meant WS)do or didn't do that caused the divorce/separation? Sorry meant what did/didn't the WS spouse do that caused the divorce or separation...that made recovery impossible?

WH broke NC. even over this past summer, when WH and I were back together and having a great time (I thought?), he told me last week that his feelings for OW never went away, never even faded. They were always there and always strong. After I found out about contact this past November, he did confirm that he still loved OW. Any progress I'd made last summer after the discovery in November was lost. I slid back into depression. All the while, WH has been there but not "there" if you know what I mean. He has refused MC and even when I took that off the table, refused the MB principles. He has not been willingly open to share his emails, etc. Always gets an attitude when I want to check.

5. Did you go through the state of withdrawal before divorce or shortly after the affair?

No. I planned A like crazy from September - December 09 until WH asked for the divorce. That never came to fruition because a few weeks later he withdrew his request and want to come home. This led to several FR's last winter. During that time, I discovered the truth about his affair. He claimed EA when it was very much PA too.

6. Did you both seek counseling?

AFter A discovered in September '09, we attended MC for two months but turned out to be a waste. I did not know at this time that the A had never ended and had probably grown stronger than before. I began seeing IC in October '09; WH began seeing IC in January '10.

7. Did either of you read any of Harley's books?

I have. Surviving an Affair. WH has been to the MB website before (last April after one of our several separations), but that's it.

8. Any other important information?

I've seen worse days in the last 16 months (such as the day I discovered the truth about the A and saw all the emails, photos, etc.), but I'm feeling really emotionally low and overwhelmed. I don't like the person I've become. I've lost my independence, my self respect, my marriage. I want to break free but WH and I are waaaaay underwater on our house and I cannot live there because it is too emotionally painful. I lived there by myself last winter and it was just too much. Part of the reason why I had to move out.