Hey all -

Well, it's starting to happen as we speak. I didn't sleep last night and even puked a few times just because it hit me so hard.

Been married to wife for 8 years now. First couple of years were a bit rocky, got some counseling, and things got much better. I busted my butt during counseling making all kinds of rockstar changes and she resisted everything the whole time. Been doing great ever since. In fact the past couple years have been a lot of fun or so I thought....

Fast forward to last Thursday night. Hanging out with wife romantically and part way through our conversation she asks, "Do you think we're really in love?" Isn't that the million dollar question that you're a loser either way you answer. I said, "Absolutely, you are the light of my life and my true soul mate" in which she responds, "Well, I haven't really felt like we've been in love for the past couple years."

Ummm.......pin drop.

Then she goes onto explain how we act like really good friends, but we just really lack a lot of passion in our relationship (which she has been anti-romantic for a while, but its gotten much better in last couple months). I told her I was sorry to hear that and asked what we could do to work on it. She didn't have an answer. Then she proceeded to tell me that she wants a separation, which I told her I refuse to do as my feelings are that "Separation creates even more separation" and that we both just really needed to make a better effort to work on our relationship.

I cried for hours and slept about 30 minutes that night. She acted like nothing happened and said, "Oh stop it."

Red flags were popping up everywhere.

Friday night she went out with some friends and I was home, I just tried to snoop a bit. Couldn't really get much, but decided to drop the $60 and get a keylogger.

Friday & Saturday happened with us barely talking and me just basically walking around numb. Wasn't sure what I was going to do since I am supposed to be out of town this next weekend for a conference and our relationship is in limbo. Saturday night we went out for dinner, talked a bit, she agreed to counseling this time and try it, etc. Basically she was home for the weekend while I had a couple of other obligations I had to attend.

Fast forward to last night after she went to bed. I popped on her computer to check out the keylogger. Needless to say I absolutely puked at what I saw. Judging by the e-mails and other things, I think it's only an EA at the moment and not a PA............BUTTTTTT part of the nasty conversation that took place was about the "meeting" that is planned for this weekend while I am at my conference. I guess the guy is coming over, she's making dinner, and then he bought some VS for her, etc. IT FRICKING BLOWS MY MIND!

The sad part about all of this is that we've had numerous talks over the years about cheating and how if we ever got divorced, neither of us would remarry or date since we're both very independent, etc. Now this.

I've known the guy for a couple weeks now after I met him at a party. She's known him for a while now since he is a son/friend of a few other friends of hers. He's a nice guy and I really liked him, but had no clue that this would develop over the past week.

Needless to say, I've canceled going to the conference this weekend, but she doesn't know that yet. Not sure if I should show up to the party with a gun (just kidding) or cancel it before it even takes place.

I've had a chance to spend a bunch of time on this site over the past 24 hours and even bought the "Surviving an Affair" book. Just wondering any advice you all might have and where to take it from here. I am still in shock right now and completely numb, but I know that I need to do something before the "meeting" complete with VS happens on Friday.

Thank you all!

Welcome to MB.
Sorry that you are here.

Questions;
How old are you? is she?
Married 8 years.
Kids? How many? ages?
(Yours, hers, both?)
OM;
Married? GF?
Have you read the site?
Surviving an affair?
Love busters?
These are Dr.H books you can buy here, on this site.

(on on Kindle right away)

You are right on about snooping.
The last thing you should do is let your wife know your sources.
So if you cancel confrence and show up... Do not tell her how you got this info.
It will only drive the affair deeper.

Also, at this time, do not let your wife know about this site. This will be your secret weapon.

The vets will come by and help you soon.

Please leave out the "puke" ref. makes me ill.

It is great that you know the OM family.

You need to be in PLAN A right now.

Read the link.

Are you ready to do an exposure bomb? After you gather evidence, you need to prepare this.

Your Wife's family, Your friends, family of yours and HIS family

Get your "target list" in order. Stay in plan A for now.

Sorry you are here. Below are three must read articles for you and in the order you need to take action.

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) � Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

Thanks Barbiecat for your response.

I guess I am still not clear on all of what Plan A all entails me doing?

She still does not know that I know about this EA. We have our first counseling session then. Should I drop the bomb there or do it before then?

She has a great reputation with friends, family, co-workers, etc along with good pride in herself....do I worry about the repercussions of this after the bomb is dropped via Plan A way? Will it affect me if we continue to remain together?

These are just some of the questions I have.

Thanks!

A

Questions;
How old are you? is she?
34/32

Married 8 years.

Kids? How many? ages?
None yet, been trying and wanting to get started with that phase. Thank goodness it hasn't happened yet.

OM;
Married? GF?
Divorced

Have you read the site?
Yes, most of it....
Surviving an affair?
Just bought it on Kindle today

Love busters?
Nope, not yet, wanted to get thru the first one.

These are Dr.H books you can buy here, on this site.

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

...sorry you need to be here

Here is my OPINION of what you do about this:

You do not tell WW that your plans have been cancelled.
You just don't pack.
You just don't mention it at all.

Wait for HER to mention/question why you are not getting ready.

When she does ask, you respond:

"It was cancelled."

And then, you just carry on like nothing happened.
Except, you are watching her like a HAWK !

In the meantime, you put a GPS on her vehicle.

I'm so happy you did the keylogger.
It puts you in a position of knowing her next move.

Do not discuss this with anyone yet.
You're still in the discovery mode.

Please, click on and read the link in my sig line.
Top to bottom.

You sound like a good husband, which puts you in a very GREAT position.

Hang in there.

Ok, I see what her plan is. The plan is to move you out and move him in. You have the power to blow this up right now if you will just use it. I would sit down and calmly and methodically expose the affair. Exposing it to the light of day will ruin the fantasy aspect of the affair and give your wife a much needed dose of reality.

Exposure targets should be:

1. her parents, your parents
2. the OMs parents and family
3. all of your close friends
4. children, if any

Expose to these people and ask them to use their influence to persuade your W and the OM to end the affair. Be very matter of fact, telling them you have evidence of their affair and have written emails of their plans to have sex in your home when you were gone to a conference.

Once you do this, your wife will be furious. And that is cool. But I need you to understand something real important, MrM. Part of the reason your wife is such an entitled little tyrant is because of your own treatment of her. I read your first post from 3 years ago and I can see the problem. You have given your wife whatever her little heart desired for a long time. Your "unconditional love" has led to false expectations of entitlement that has led to her abuse and neglect of your marriage.

That needs to stop if you want to save your marriage.

When the dust settles from this exposure, I would set her down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she does certain things. Otherwise you are not interested in staying in a loveless marriage that is vulnerable to an affair. Tell her you won't be risking this again. Here is what has to happen in order to save this marriage:

1. end all contact with the OM

2. affair proof the marriage so this does not ever happen again: become completely transparent, end all opposite sex friendships, no more going out without each other again

3. no more overnight travel without each other - you can see where this leads!!

4. use the Marriage Builders program to fall in love again

I think doing these things are the best chance you have at saving your marriage. And what is a "VS?"

I believe it's Victoria's Secret stuff.

thanks!

The VS stuff is just scary. First time they are together and he already wants to dress her up? That sounds like he has done this before (speaking from experience here).

Also I exposed last month, and it killed my WWs affair in two hours, although I did get quite an interrogation and she was really mad.

Get it done, asap take time off work to gather addresses etc if youhave to.

...and keep copies of those incriminating e-mails. They're going to quickly disappear post-exposure.

It depends on what evidence you have, but if you have proof of an EA that is heading toward PA, I think you have enough to start exposing. The key to exposure it to do it quickly and univerally. I would also expose on OM's side. If you can get on his facebook page (via your WW's facebook page), I would send messages/emails to all his family and some of his friends. Then I would call up OM and tell him in no uncertain terms never to contact your WW again. You need to put the fear of god in this POS. Chase him off. Your WW is probably still going to try and continue the relationship, but if you have successfully scared him off, then it won't matter. The key is attacking this affair from both sides, finding which partner is the weak link, and getting them to end it. Usually with a single man and a married woman, the single man is the weak link because he's single and has other options. Exposure to OM's parents will be key if he still has a good relationship with them. No one wants their son breaking up a marriage. That woman would not be welcome.

I'm sorry to go one step further (here goes Mr. Cynical again) but you should gird your ego and intellect to discover that this affair has already had some level of physicality. Think back to your initial intimacy with any woman, and compare it to yourself on Christmas morning as an 8-year-old: It wasn't really vital to admire the wrapping paper - you just wanted to play with your new toy.

That said, give us some more background on your situation

First marriage for you both?
Employment status of each?

And here is NeverGuessed's traditional warning to BH's - guard against any opportunity (real or trumped-up) for WW to entangle you in a bogus domestic violence/harrassment complaint.

My rationale:

I think he just discovered the tip of the iceberg.
I think another 2-3-4 days of snooping is in order, before the shock & awe of a HUGE exposure.

Once exposure happens, the pipeline of information might be lost to you.
So, get the MOST you can while snooping before exposure.

And, no matter what, GPS her vehicle.

This was my experience. I busted my Xhs affair out without revealing I had a keylogger on his computer. I left the keylogger on his laptop even after I got him out of the house and into his own apt. It was on for 6-8 weeks. The info I gathered was VITAL in 1)getting custody of our son (which I did) and 2) Seeing the 'real' XH...seeing just how bad it was.

I am sooooooooo thankful I didn't reveal my source that first day I discovered the affair.

I think this is a great suggestion. Get the goods and remove any possibility for denial..

Although imagine their eyes if he came over and after letting them get comfortable for about 15-20 minutes, walk in. Then of course you'd have all the emails with you when they started trying to cover it up.

For even better emphasis, bring her parents with you.

That was going to be my suggestion too.

Get as much "goods" as you can before full exposure.

If you have the stomach for it (its ok if you don't feel like you do, this is a hard situation to be in)...leave the house as planned and let Jackwagon come over...just don't give them any time to get comfortable before you show up to ruin their little party.

Thrower...dude...that would be the ultimate affair buster.

Her mom and dad...walking in on their daughter and her date...

You, my friend, are EVIL