In reading along with everyone about how their spouses affairs began there seems to be a VERY common theme...

They had allowed themselves to become ripe for the picking.

In my case it was Mrs.Flint and I not dealing with her feelings that in her mind she was never good enough...

and did not get compliments and feel rewarded OUTSIDE of the M.

She has told me she always knew I thought she was beautiful and how much I loved her.

It didn't have anything to do with me.

IT HAD TO DO WITH HER NEEDING TO BE COMPLIMENTED AND PRAISED BY OTHERS!!!

She was both angry and jealous of success in mine and others lives particularly of me having a rewarding career (paramedic) in addition to running a ranch and had a large number of friends through it while she did not.

By our not working together to make sure that she obtained an education earlier (she is now a nurse and loves it) it led to boredom, jealousy and resentment against me...

She had watched me go to work and come home with stories of excitement and contact with the public which she did not have...

When I asked her about her days it was always a blank look and "well, I bathed and clipped a few dogs, cleaned kennels and gave a few shots" (she worked as a vet assistant in a VERY slow rural location).

She got in the habit of flirting with customers JUST to pass the day which was the FIRST crossing of her boundaries that led to crossing the line with my ex-brother.

I don't think people just wake up one day and say to themselves, "Boy, how can I screw up my whole life today? I know I'll have an affair!!!"

I think that sometimes they just get bored and start crossing the line toward the slippery slope without even thinking about it...

That's where the EVIL starts.

I'm wondering who else can identify how their spouses came to he point of crossing the line because with Mrs.Flint it was never about leaving me or loving my ex-brother...

She got bored.

Jim

Why did you have friends who were not friends of your W's? How does that happen? Did you exclude her from your circle of friends?

I know my WH felt I did not compliment him enough and did not provide SF. He began an affair not long after I had our child b/c he felt unneeded in our family. I nursed, so the baby was constantly needing me. He reacted very poorly to her crying--it stressed him out to no end b/c he couldn't "fix" it for her. So, he felt completely out of place after her birth (not that things were perfect before). And of course after her birth, he definitely did not get SF--for obvious reasons. So, when this OW began complimenting him and making him feel good--he fell for it easily. Unfortunately, he has feelings for her and so baby and I are left behind while he continues his craziness.

Hello CWMI,

I work as a paramedic in a medical center that employs nearly a thousand people who I would have conversations with on a daily basis and consider friends. The people who I socialize with outside of work such as the other paramedics on my team Mrs.Flint ALWAYS participated in.

I think that for her the jealousy was over the fact that I simply had an exciting job which involved people.

It WOULD be wrong to have SOCIAL interaction with ANYONE in which she was not included.

God bless.

Jim

Jim, if I may...my H and I have had many conversations/arguments about 'friends'. He thought I needed more of them (I have three women who I have known forever who I consider true friends...can call in the middle of the night, can count on when I need them, vice-versa), but I didn't spend enough time with them. Because ya know, I had a quad of small children and a husband who was mostly absent...I was busy with keeping my head above water with one child in school and three in diapers.

I needed HIM, and he thought I needed friends.

Because HE needed friends, and didn't think that the dozens he spoke to everyday, the people he went to lunch with, the customers who brought him gifts, were 'friends'. Friends are the people you are with OUTSIDE of work.

Except for me. I wasn't a friend, I was a spouse, who is in a totally different category. On our first ENQ, he rated RC as #10, because, as he put it, "RC is something you do with friends, not wives!"

Our kids were 'work'.

I was 'work'.

All his life was work without friends.

I was home with all the kids and jealous of his COMMUTE. I told him that, that I would love to have an hour in the car, by myself, with the radio off and just SIT. He thought I was jealous of his friends-he-doesn't-consider-friends and his social interactions while at work, but what I was jealous of was that he talked to them, and didn't talk to me, while I was here taking care of a bunch of babies who couldn't have conversations. Conversation was #9 for him, he said he talked himself out at work.

I don't know Mrs Flint or why she didn't work, but I can almost guarantee that she was jealous, not because she didn't have a work life, but because YOU 'gave at the office' and didn't have more for home.

Hi CWMI,

Mrs.Flint DID work as I posted as a vet assistant...

Just not in her opinion a very rewarding or stimulating job.

As far as the definition of friends, I guess we just disagree as TRUSTING someone to have my back in life and death situations IS being a friend to me.

Paramedics are killed on the job at one fourth of the number of police officers and a rate of one half that of firefighters which you would probably agree qualifies as a hazardous occupation.

I would die for a team mate and they for me, in my opinion that quailifies both generically and biblically as a friend.

Thanks for the post!

God bless.

Jim

Trusting someone to do their job and trusting someone to be a friend, are, imho, two different things.

I would not trust my friends to lose their life for me, I expect them to put their own families first, but I do trust that they know this about me and my expectations on them.

I'll just cut to the short-and-sweet part: Did your wife feel like you would die for her in a greater measure than you would die for your teammates?

Flint, I have been thinking this very same thing for quite some time now. My FWW fit your description to a T. She never got to have the career she really wanted and came to sort of resent me for being the "smart one" in the marriage. She felt left out of things and inferior but she never said so to me.

I've learned now that I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs, I wasn't giving her the compliments she was craving. She became depressed and developed very low self esteem. All of this made her vunerable to an affair. All it took was a friend (and I use that term very loosely) to pay her attention, say the things she wanted to hear, make her feel appreciated and attractive outside the marriage. She took it hook, line and sinker. Twice.

She never fell out of love with me and she sure wasn't planning a future with either of the OM as both were happily married. She too was simply bored and became opportunistic. She had many opportunities to be unfaithful when on trips without me or being out with the girls but she never was comfortable with guys she didn't know. The "friends" were safe in her mind.

Of course, all of this is easy to see in hindsight but I never saw it coming back then. We now have a greater respect and understanding of each other and we have EP's in place to make sure neither one of us is ever vunerable again.

Hello CWMI,

I don't think Mrs.Flint ever got that far in her rationalization of anyone dying for anyone else...

like most waywards there wasn't a lot of thinking going on.

Mrs.Flint watched as I gave up a THIRD of my entire family for her...

My father has not invited me to his house in years, my mother died while we were still in conflict, my sister in law, my nephew, my neice, and my two grandnephews not including all their friends who terminated our relationship out of loyalty or fear of my ex-brother.

Yes, Mrs.Flint knows what I would give up for her.

I think that she felt she didn't fit into my world...

because she was terrified to try.

The only thing worse in her mind than not having an education or an exciting job would have been if she TRIED TO HAVE THEM AND FAILED.

She was terried of FAILURE.

That is what was attractive about my ex-brother...

HE WAS A QUALIFIED FAILURE IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD...

They could USE each other without EVER have ANY expectations of each other.

They could continue to be miserable together and commiserate how they deserved each other...

Once we started using MB and she saw that she COULD redeem herself she decided to START making an EFFORT at participating in her life.

She enrolled in nursing school and passed with flying colors thr first time she took boards.

She apologized to my entire family and has worked to be the best wife and mother anyone could want.

She is now a charge nurse in charge of dozens of people and thrives in her new career.

That is a long way from the woman who lacked confidence in herself and thought she DESERVED to be miserable and was only too glad to find another miserable wretch to help each other feel sorry for themselves.

Hope that helps.

Jim