Nothing in your OP had anything to do with me. Nothing in your subsequent p's had anything to do with me. Your situation (minus the OC and flip the ambition) is VERY familiar.

And you are on dangerous ground, and not likely to have meet-able needs within the scope of a marriage.

Do you have some credentials that might qualify you to make this statement?

That is an outrageous thing to say. From where do you get your expertise to make such a condemnation?

Quote

Contempt has five "ugly" features. Contempt requires a judgment concerning the appearance or standing of the object of contempt. In particular, contempt involves the judgment that, because of some moral or personal failing or defect, the contemned person has compromised his or her standing vis-�-vis an interpersonal standard that the contemnor treats as important. This may have not been done deliberately but by a lack of status. This lack of status may cause the contemptuous to classify the object of contempt as utterly worthless, or as not fully meeting a particular interpersonal standard. Therefore, contempt is a response to a perceived failure to meet an interpersonal standard. Contempt is also a particular way of regarding or attending to the object of contempt, and this form of regard has an unpleasant effective element. However, contempt may be experienced as a highly visceral emotion similar to disgust, or as cool disregard.

This is what your thread sounds like to me. You say that you are in financial trouble and you attribute that trouble to the fact that your husband does not meet your expectations as far as having the drive or ambition to make more money. You admit that you do not contribute financially, and that you feel guilty about it, but apparently not so guilty to actually do something about it. Is it because of lack of ambition or because having a job would be too mundane, too much like what your husband has to do?

If you are so bright and creative and intelligent, you should have analytic skills necessary to identify, evelauate and choose alternative financial strategies that you could pursue to alleviate the burden (yes, burden) on your husband. Another potential activity that you could do, while at home, and make good money is to teach online courses. I'm sure you could find something with the University of Phoenix.

I have an MBA (recent grad) and I have a decent paying job, albeit not as a top executive of a Fortune 500 company - a place I will probably not reach before retirement. My wife is trying to start up a home business making miniature kimonos for display or for dressing up dolls. I am trying to help her with the business side of it while she does her thing with the designing and sewing. I hope it pans out for her, not so much for the money, but for her personal growth and happiness. I love my wife very much and she me. She has never complained about money because she doesn't want to work and my labor supports her time to do what she wants. Don't think she would bite the hand that feeds her and allows her to pursue her dream by complaining that we don't have deep intellectually stimulating conversations when I come home tired from work.

I hope you don't treat your husband in an openly scornful manner, that what you are talking about here is something that you keep to yourself. Admittedly, I haven't read your threads, but I look at your history as an FWW with an OC and I can't help but have trouble understanding why you would feel this way about your husband, given that he chose to stay with you and raise the child as his own. Something, BTW, that a lot of us more driven, aggressive, and more well-educated people would probably have never done.

She needs a feeling, not action. Her H is making actionable moves to further his education. She doesn't feel that is enough.

So what is? Writer? What is enough?

My problem, writer, is that I'm too....cerebral...for myself :P

I think too much and try to get it "perfect" the first draft...thus I get bogged down by page 2. LoL.

Scary thing is, I *KNOW* that I sabotage myself by not just "doing it".

Hmm...

Not too late for a New Years resolution to start writing

Hells bells, I can just "do it" when it comes to making changes to myself to be a more positive person...a man that my wife said "she's falling in love with again"....so why not take it one step further?

Thats it.

Its "go" time!

RAWR!!

Okay then, in that case, start with "Bird By Bird" by Anne Lamott. She has a wonderful concept known as 'Sh#@#y First Drafts' where she basically advocates just getting the story down and not worrying about how bad it sucks until later. It really helped me commit to getting the story down and worrying about the editing later.

So you have a story down and are editing lines?

I'll see if I can get it at the local library..or if they can get a hold of it.

Yep...thats probably going to be my "cure"...getting the Sh---y First Draft down and out

* * * * *

Renaissance Literature...not very useful to most people, unless they want, perhaps, to impress their spouse with a love poem or two

The Eighteenth Sonnet

by William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate;
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade
When in eternal lines to time thou growest
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

* * * * * * *

The Passionate Shepherd to his Love

by: Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593)

Come live with me, and be my love;
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
Woods or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies;
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair-lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy-buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
An if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherd-swains shall dance and sing
For they delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love

americajin: Actually, money really isn't all that important to me. It never has been. Yes, I would like to have enough to live off and get a handle on our recent financial issues, but I have no extravagant expectations in that area. Someone else brought up money, and I merely agreed that the financial issues were definitely contributing to some of the stress in our marriage right now. I do not believe they are the root cause of the problem, because many of the issues existed long before our recent financial difficulties.

I do not feel anything remotely scornful towards my H. He has a lot of wonderful qualities that I greatly admire. But that doesn't mean he's perfect, or that we don't have areas where we still struggle. This is an area we are struggling in right now, and I don't see how not talking to him about it could possibly help.

And, while many people on this forum are quick to point out my FWW/OC status, almost no one ever acknowledges the fact that I was also a BS LONG before I was ever a wayward one. Not that that really has anything to do with this thread.

Not down on paper, no.

I have an outline in my head about one in particular that I've kicked around for years.

Writer-
Did your husband ever have ambition?

If he was once a go-getter and his get up and go has gone, are there any medical reasons for it? Is your husband depressed? When's the last time he's had a complete physical? Is he eating right and exercising?

If your husband was never ambitious and that was important to you, did you expect him to change?

I'm also wondering if it's possible for you to find another mom to switch baby-sitting time with? To give you more time to write?
I'm about as un-SAHP as they come, and I still have several moms that I know I could go to for help, if needed.

It sounds like like you are laying all of these issues at your husband's feet to fix. It sounds like you'd be happy, if your husband were more ambitious, earned more money, was more emotionally intimate with you, etc.

I think, though, the premise is that the person posting here needs to take the first steps to improving things.

So, what is your plan for taking your steps? IOW, what can you do so your husband WANTS to to please you, by earning more money and being more emotionally intimate with you?

Actually, I have an entire 375 page novel down. Right now, I am editing lines as well as structure.

I won't cast stones at anyone here: betrayed, betrayer, or observer.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

And how long have you been doing that,****edit**** ?

Didn't you earn your MFA two years ago?

Sorry, I can't figure out how to break up quotes on my old Macbook, but I'll try to answer as much of this as I can.

I think my H did once have more ambition than he has now. And I do see him struggling to be more ambitious now, mostly in his decision to start looking into MBA programs. I don't think he's depressed. He does eat healthy and exercise. He's in pretty good shape.

As far as knowing what was important to me when we got married, I don't think I really did. I was pretty young, 22. We sort of jumped into M without really thinking about it too much. But that's in the past and I don't really want to dwell on it. My M is important to me now, and I want it to be happy and fulfilling for both of us. There are many areas where it already is, but there are a few that still need improvement.

As far as baby sitting goes, I am trying to find someone to trade with. I sent out an email through our old church (pretty much everyone I know that lives around me) last week, but I haven't had any responses yet.

I definitely don't want to lay all the problems at my H's feet to fix. I think these are things that we need to work on fixing together. I am definitely not perfect and I am more than willing to work on my side of the street. That's kind of what I'm looking for here, advice on how I can deal with what I am feeling and how to talk to my H about these things so that we can work on finding a solution that works for both of us. I'm afraid I don't talk to him about this much because I don't want to hurt him.

So you are still not practicing RH?

Writer1,

I have not read all of the posts on this thread, but your comments struck a cord with me. I thought I would share with you a few things that might help you resolve your issue. It is your issue by the way.

You said First of all you don't need to bridge this gap. You need to accept that you two are different in this way, and can probably assist one another in life based on your differing views of life.

Let me start with a few comments and then relay a discussion I once had with the minister of the church I attended many decades ago. I am a scientist. I have known I wanted to be a scientist since I was 10. I am now in my middle 60's and intend to continue to do research as long as I can continue to recieve research grants. To say I am passionate about what I do, is not really even close to adequately describing it.

Many decades ago I was in a discussion with my minister about many things and at one time the concept of work was discussed. I don't really recall how it came about, but I suspect it was a comment by me about the fact that I was working 20 hours a day 7 days aweek. I was not married at the time. I am sure it was comparing something to those folks that don't see the need for that type of work effort.

His comment to me was telling. He looked at me and said "You have been blessed in so many ways. You were given a passion for something that you are able to fulfill, AND you were given the gift of hard work."

Now I looked at him and said with a puzzled look on my face (I am sure) "gift of hard work? What is that?" He responded, "few people have the ability and the drive to work as you do, it is truly a gift and you should appreciate it."

That discussion rattled around in my head for along time, but as the years have gone by and I watched my children grow into adults, and watched their friends, I realize the minister was right. I was blessed in more ways than I ever realized. And two of those gifts were having a "passion" for something and then the ability to "work hard." Not that many people are so blessed.

I really appreciate the latter blessing now as I get older, and I cannot work the hours I used to, as my focus is not as accute as it once was, as I have to stop and rest from time to time. Now looking back I can really see what he meant.

My point to you, is if you value the passion, if you value the hard work, then give thanks that YOU have been given such gifts and blessings. Your H is not you, and he must work HARD to overcome the lack of passion or ease with which others can work hard.

It is sort of like someone with the proper runners body, and being blessed with a "good motor" as they say. Running is easy for them. Someone else given a less well designed running body, can run, but it is so much harder for them for they don't have the right alignment of joints, the right distribution of weight, the correct height, and the correct musculatur (sp) for running, but they run. I have a child that was/is a gifted runner she is blessed with many of the attributes that I speak about. Her H is not so blessed so he walks or observers while she runs and races. She does not expect him to be her equal in this matter and he feels no need to stop her from doing what she truly enjoys.

My point to you, is why do you expect your H to be like you, when clearly he is not? Where does it say that he must be like you? You may appreciate the passion some people are gifted with, but please not it is a GIFT. I have found that passion is NOT something that you train people into having, talk them into having, or force them to have. It truly is a GIFT. You have it...appreciate it. He doesn't, understand it makes his life harder because he always has to do things he is not passionate about. Much harder to my way of thinking.

Writer1, you don't need his passion if you have been gift with your own. One thing is sure, he is dedicated to you and this marriage. You have tested it terribly and he is their helping rear your OC.

Please think about this. I look forward to your response.

God Bless,

JL