Let's see, I started on the current final draft about November I believe. I have now edited the first 114 pages (roughly 1/3 of the novel) during that time, thus my goal of being finished by June.

In that time, I've had to deal with a daughter who left college to go to work in CO for the winter, a son who was released from juvenile hall and is trying to get his life together, another son with serious truancy/drug problems who is now in military school and threatening to quit literally every day (I write him daily encouragements), on top of dealing with the normal things like holidays and a baby who is cutting four molars at once. Oh, I forgot a home that's currently in foreclosure, which we're trying to get a modification on. And did I mention that my mom's been on disability since May when she broke her ankle and I often spend my weekends driving an hour and a half (each way) to take her grocery shopping?

Really, if you're trying to put into question my commitment to ambition, you're barking up the wrong tree.

Let me call a waaaaaaambulance for you.

Maybe you've hit something on the nail here. Maybe the problem isn't so much that my H doesn't share my passion, because that I can understand. Maybe what's bothering me is that I can't share my passion with him.

Let me explain. My H has read very little of my writing. I've been working hard on this novel for years, and he's read about one chapter. This is something that I feel passionate about beyond explanation, something I've literally wanted to do with my life since I was 5 years old, but he doesn't really seem to want to share in it. In the past, he used to say he didn't read my work because he wasn't a reader and he wouldn't really be able to offer any useful criticism. I told him I wasn't looking for a critique - I have people who can do that. I just wanted to SHARE this with him. He seems to understand that now, but he still doesn't read much of my writing.

And it bugs me. It does. This is huge to me and I want to share it with the most important person in my life.

Really, you seem to feel sorry for your predicaments more than you ever realize that you place yourself in them.

You raised your children.

You married your H (and seemingly made a fantastic choice).

You did, and do, create your life. You complain about being broke, but won't earn money. wtheck?

I give up. If it makes you feel better to ridicule me, then go right ahead. But I'm pretty done responding to you.

Good luck with your attitude issues. I hope you manage to become a less negative and mean-spirited human being someday.

Maybe because you've been working on the same thing FOR YEARS. My H reads my work when I'm ready to send it out, sometimes he only reads it after it's been published.

I can almost guarantee you that your problem with HIS ambition is amplified ten-fold in his eyes. Why would he read your 'work'? You're not submitting, you're not earning, you are not SERIOUS.

WHAT YEAR did you earn your MFA?

What have you accomplished with it?

Again, I haven't read your threads before it, and only read this one because it was an offshoot of the other discussion we are all involved in today.

Your response struck me because it does sound like you are taking your husband to task for both not being up to your level of intelligence or creativity given his tendency to speak only in terms of day to day living instead of abstract issues; and also for not making enough money which would be accomplished if he were willing to do what is necessary to get past the plateau he's been stuck on for ten years. That's why I wrote a response to you. I guess my initial knee jerk reaction was why you couldn't get a job yourself in the interim while you are trying to become a best selling novelist.

i didn't mean to say don't talk with him, I meant that I hope you don't project your disappointment onto him for not living up to what you want him to be.

What the heck CWMI? What is up with you today? Why would it have to earn money to be important to her? What if she only wrote for a hobby and wanted to share it with her dh?

You have had over 20 years of adulthood to realize your 5-yr-old dream. What was your H's dream when he was 5?

She went to graduate school for it, won't work as an adjunct, won't work at all except to chase her dream of being a writer (which a talented person can do quite well w/o an MFA), and complains that her H is not ambitious enough for her.

JustLearning, thank you so much for that post. It struck a chord with me and was also a good reminder.

Writer, my DH thinks I am talented and wants me to write, but we don't really talk about it. We don't talk about ideas or how I should develop a character or that kind of stuff. And the fact that he supports it and is a "fan" (haha) is enough. I could care less about his quest on runescape or whatever, but I'm glad he has that distraction for when he needs to decompress, and he plays it with our kids, so it's a nice FC thing.

He is my best friend and I am his....but I really don't think we need to have everything in common....in other words, I don't think that HE is the one I HAVE to talk about writing with. I have some female fellow writers for that. Our big talk topics are politics, school stuff (since we are both teachers), faith, the kids, the same weirdo taste in TV and movies.

I could be talking out of school here, but I think sometimes we get the impression that our spouse is the ONLY person we can have things in common with or share anything with....and I don't think that is true.

I'm not saying you are expecting all these things from your DH. But for awhile there I put ALL my security or whatever on my DH, which quite frankly is too much for a mere mortal to handle. I did that because I thought I was supposed to - that having any other kind of friend or any other outlet for my thoughts was taking away from my M. Quite frankly, it was my "the entire world revolves around H and no one else exists" pressure that was hurting some things in my M.

One person cannot be EVERYTHING to another. It's not possible, and it's not Biblical.

I don't know if any of that rambling helps.

And then later in her thread she clarified that it wasn't exactly ambition she was talking about....and went on to say how she wanted him to be interested in something she had created. That has NOTHING to do with education or earning power.

You are very hard on people.

I totally agree that my H doesn't have to be my everything. But this is something that I would like to share with him. It's kind of like when he comes home from work and wants to tell me about his day. So I listen. I don't have much knowledge of (or interest in) orthodontic supplies or call center politics, but it's his day, and I listen because it's important for him to share that with me. If he reads something in one of his business books, or listens to something on an audiobook, then I listen to that to. I guess I just want the same opportunity to share things with him that are important to me. I don't expect him to understand it like another writer would, or offer a critique. I just want a chance to talk about things that are important to me. I want to share that with him.

I'm not sure this is it... because I do really like to read.. But my boyfriend has written a novel - he really wanted me to read it - and I eventually did, but dragged my feet. But.. he thinks it's really good, doesn't need any further work, and I had at least some things that I didn't like. Of course I'm not the be all and end all for literary criticism, but I felt like I was in an awkward position - he really wanted me to feel about his work as he did, and I couldn't come through with it.

We also have a bit different world views - I am more critical, starting and foremost with my own efforts - I am always conscious of how things can be better, I should have done more etc - and it does rub off on my thoughts about other people's work. He is more likely to be satisfied with what he's done - and less critical of others. So.. for a lot of things he'd be very happy with a level of work that I would be unhappy with - whether from myself or others. All that makes it harder (but not impossible of course) to share feelings about work etc in a way that works for both of us.

Please try to keep your advice & suggestions HELPFUL, using MB concepts & principles.

If the only advice you have to offer is nasty, snide & insulting, please refrain from posting!!

Where did she say that?

Feel free to correct any incorrect impressions.

writer1, from what I understand, there has been a lot of drama in your life, much of it self created.

You are the mother of an OC, IIRC, that has to create some drama in your life.

Your 18 year old son recently did some time because a minor complained about their sexual relationship.

You seem to have more bills than money.

How much of this drama is simply the consequences of your decisions? Perhaps the emotional need you can't put your finger on is that you want to be out from under the stress of the consequences of your decisions?

Now I realize not everything was your decision. Your H's affair wasn't your decision, but yours was. Your son's choice of a sexual partner was not your decision, but to come to the rescue of an adult in terms of paying for a lawyer was a decision you had a say in.

And so on.

Are you sitting on student loan debt for your MFA? If so, then how is that helping make your life and your marriage better?

It's fine to want things. If your dream is to be a writer, then go for it, knock yourself out. If it's going to be a profession, then that means you are planning to pay the bills with it.

If it's going to be a hobby, then you have to have other means to pay the bills and the hobby has to come in "under budget."

So from the outside, my question is, is the 11th un-named emotional need simply some relief from the consequences of your families decisions to date? I'm not putting it all on you, your husband owns some of it, your son owns some of it and you own some of it.

If this is an issue, how do you address it?

Identify the issues and jointly craft a plan to solve the issues.

If money is an issue, you and your husband sit down and make a plan. Either spend less, make more, or both.

If writing is an issue, then brainstorm solutions. If he isn't a reader, then sit down with him and find others who can or will read that you both trust.

I really think that you MIGHT be suffering under the weight of consequences for past choices. There are no quick and easy fixes. The best you can do is to avoid further mistakes that add to that weight.

I think my DH is like that too, ivy. He likes my writing, but he is more.......detail oriented than I am. I usually don't ask him to read something unless I have worked on it a few times.

I understand where you are coming from, writer. I tend to be kind of a .....self-centered writer. Most of my life my writing has centered around my experiences, my thoughts and feelings, expressing those things I couldn't express to "real people." So I have to make sure I am "ready" for comments....because people are really commenting on me in a sense.

Marriage would be so simple if people were robots instead of fallible and unique human beings.....:)

I've read others speak about how they perceive that you are critical of your H, IIRC. That you think he could be more or do more, or whatever.

Is it possible that two things are at work here.

1. He tells you about his day because he wants you to cheer for him instead of thinking he could be so much more?

2. He doesn't want to give you the same courtesy because he fears (rightly or wrongly) that you'll use the floor to be critical of him?

If he feels inferior, either by his acts or your prior acts, doesn't it stand to reason he might feel even more inferior if you are a successful writer?

So is it the face value he's not a reader, or is it deeper, that he's so insecure and/or defeated that he doesn't perceive it to be a good idea to read and comment on your work?