I am in the lucky position of not writing terribly auto-biographical things, so I think that makes it easier to share my writing and listen to critiques without taking the criticism personally.

But I'm really not looking for a critique from my H, and he definitely wouldn't feel comfortable giving me one. I just want to share this part of myself with him. I want him to be interested in what I do because it's important to me.

Their home is under foreclosure as well.

Writer, what are you DOING?

Your marriage is unfulfilling...because your H is not ambitious enough for you. I ask you, are you modeling ambition?

"Nobody creates a reputation based on what they're going to do." (I think that's Teddy Rosey, not sure)

First, what's IIRC?

Actually, my H says that he wants to read my writing, he just doesn't actually do it.

I don't think he's insecure. I tell him almost every day how much I appreciate the fact that he's willing to get up so early in the morning and drive 50 miles to work to support our family. I tell him this verbally and I write it to him in emails all the time. And I mean it. I really do appreciate it.

And no, I don't think all of this is merely a desire to run away from the consequences of my actions. I don't think it really has much to do with money at all. That was someone else's idea. It's really more of a desire to be more intimately connected with my H on a deeper emotional level, which I haven't been feeling for awhile.

And to clarify, my son was 17 when we hired the lawyer for him - a minor, not an adult. He was being tried in juvenile court and we would be (were in fact) the ones who would be held financially liable in the case. Right now, there is a judgment against me personally (not my son) to pay the "victim's" family $1600 in restitution. So, I was protecting myself and my son by hiring a lawyer, not trying to rescue an adult child from the consequences of his own actions.

Right now, I'm editing the final draft of a novel, sending several stories out to various literary magazines, raising a 2-year-old, dealing with a troubled 16 year-old and trying to keep him from becoming a high school drop-out, and taking care of a home.

Writer1,

I guess I am having a hard time with what you said

You say he isn't much of a reader. you say he has only read on chapter of your book. You say that you are just now editing the first few hundred pages of the book. You say that no editor has edited the book at all. You say he doesn't share with you your vision for your writing.

Yet, he supports your writing. He works at a job he has no passion for and brings home money to support you, your children, and even a child that is not his. I would see this as support of your passion. You are not working for a living although I know getting a book published and it doing well is quite lucrative.

Writer1 I have a friend I played basketball with in college. He is a very famous author and has published many books on the NY times best seller list. I just read his last one as my kids gave it to my for my birthday. I have a problem reading his books, because when I do I hear his voice. I know the circumstances that prompted many of the parts of his stories, I know in detail about the locations of his books. In short I know too much. I am not saying I don't enjoy some of his books, but I will say I would probably enjoy it more if I hadn't known him. He is not a close friend, we haven't seen each other in over 40 years, yet I KNOW...

Imagine your H reading your book. He knows too much about you, he very likely knows what motivates certain scenes in your book or the characters, or perhaps he just thinks he does. Would it be a pleasant experience for him? Say he finds some faults with what you have protrayed, does he tell you, hurt your feelings? Please listen to what others are saying.

Please realize that reading does not seem to be a relaxation for your H. Please realzie that your H is not you.

I will tell you this. I NEVER talk about what I do with my W. She is not interested at all. All she says is "as long as the light switch works, I don't really want to know about the technical stuff." In my entire married life well over 30 years, we have never discussed my work. We have discussed changing jobs, we have discussed financial issues, but she has no interest in mathematics, physics, computers or many of the things I have spent my life working on. She is greatful that it has paid the bills and allowed her to be a SAHM and to persue her interests, but beyond that...no.

I have a sibling that writes novels. I have never been asked to read one. I am known as a critical reader, with logic and such being foremost in my mind. I have to be this way, as I publish many papers and read even more. I make my living by successfully submitting proposals in competitive funding areas.

I guess I wonder why your passion isn't enough for you. Why rather than giving you joy in your life and marriage, it is bringing discord. Your H clearly has supported you through many things and yet you always seek MORE... Why when you have been gifted in so many ways?

Are you seeing my quandary? I understand your passion for your writing, I know many folks like you. I don't understand why your passion isn't enough for you,why your H must feel your passion. Isn't enough for him to support it?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL, it sounds an awful lot like you're trying to talk me out of having a specific EN. You don't have this need to share your work with your wife, so why shouldn't I be satisfied with not sharing mine with my H?

Because I'm not. Because it IS important to me. Maybe it's not important to everyone, but it is to me. I've tried for years now to talk myself out of feeling that this is important, but so far, it hasn't worked. I still feel like something is missing because I can't share this with my H. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do.

OMG this is a fascinating topic. I haven't read all 11 pages of posts but I read the first few and the last few and I'm amazed at the different points of view that I've never thought of before.

Writer1, I can understand your position but I'm on the side of your H. My H has this constant desire to be moving and be productive and accomplishing something. He creates checklists on his days off and checks them off as he goes and feels better when he has something to show for his day.

I'm quite the opposite. I think that curling up on the couch with a book, a hot cup of tea and a kitty for company is a great way to spend a few hours. It drives him crazy! While, I can understand his frustration with what I imagine he sees as laziness on my part, I can't be like him. I'm not programed that way and I wasn't raised that way. Would I like to have been? Absolutely! It would be wonderful if I could have the drive to get up early, get all my chores done, have time for hobbies and friends in addition to a full time job.

I'm currently fighting depression that I've had for 11 years, and have taken medication for about 5 years. I'm now on 2 different types and my doctor and I have been working to get the right combination and strength to work for me. I'm lucky if I can get out of bed in the morning sometimes, if I can dredge up the patience required to train my puppy and not scream at her for being obnoxious, if I can try to be decent company to be around or even spend time on a hobby I used to enjoy.

H is VERY smart, IMO at least, and he has his own ideas about life and the universe and I can't say that I share them. My thoughts, as you would say, don't run so deep.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I share in your concerns and problems just from the other side of the fence and I know how it can cause problems. I just hope that both you and I can learn from the advice from so many voices on this forum and repair our marriages.

THIS is what got you into an affair, amiright?

Have you talked to your H about that? How this was so important to you that it sent you into someone else's bed and brought about a child? Does he STILL refuse to meet your need here, knowing that?

This was a part of what led me to have an A, yes. There were other factors as well. Distancing myself from my H after our last (of many) D-days because I was tired of being hurt by him, lots of IB on my part, very weak boundaries in my relationships with other men, long-term sexual problems in my M - those were all contributing factors as well.

And yes, we have talked many times about the fact that this is important to me. And yes, right now, it's still a need that he's not meeting.

IIRC = if I recall correctly

Ok, so your husband isn't going to read our work.

You can stop asking him to, and he can stop saying yes and then not read your work.

Continuing to ask is a lose-lose situation. It sets up failure, so just stop it.

If you want to be emotionally close to him, then do the things that created that emotional closeness when you were dating. If you didn't give him your work to read then, doing it now is unlikely to build emotional closeness.

If you rode go-karts and went to concerts and places, then that's what's going to build emotional closeness.

Use what has worked in the past rather than inventing new, and untested ways. Every day, create a day you had with your husband that you believe BOTH you and he felt close.

Lather, rinse and repeat until romantic love has returned to your marriage.

Add in avoiding love busters and you have the formula for success.

You can try to add new things, but if they destroy rather than build romantic love, then quickly end them in your marriage.

Sounds like the desire or expectation that he read your work is more destructive than helpful. If you didn't build you initial relationship on that, then you can rebuild your relationship without that happening the way you see it.

Ignore button is there for a reason, writer.

PHOENIX, thank you for your thoughts. It always gives me insight when I hear people who are on the "other side" of the coin. As my daughter said when she was 8, "nobody's normal because everybody's different."

Writer, I believe the following stuff to be in line with MB principles:

1. It is legitimate for you to have your own EN's
2. You and your DH won't necessarily have the same ones
3. You should works to meet his EN's
4. He should work to meet yours
5. It is essential to be RH even when it's scary

These things are NOT in line with MB principles:

1. A DH and DW have to be the same
2. Everything you do and are after an A defines you
3. Wanting more makes you critical
4. "You remind me of my spouse so I will use you to grind my axe"
5. Being snarky makes me right

I would absorb the MB advice you receive, and the non MB advice, comments made purely for meanness, and attempts to remind you you had an A....I'd toss them into the septic tank and flush.

Writer~

How about reading your book to your husband? Small chunks at a time, and allowing that to spark conversation? I'm not a writer, but I do love to read ~ fiction and non-fiction books. Mr. W is more of a newspaper/magazine reader ~ but we share what we've read with each other...Doing so has sparked many meaningful and fulfilling conversations - lots of those meander into tangents we might never have thought of on our own - that helps to create *INTIMATE CONVERSATION* for us - which is the kind of conversation that you must have in order to stay romantically in love with one another - that's the key, and if I'm reading you correctly, that is what seems to be missing between the two of you...

What do you think?

Mrs. W

P.S. It's my understanding that Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers has recommended this card game for couples to use as a springboard for conversation: UNGame Card Game For Couples Might be worth looking into...

Thank you for this. You are absolutely right.

I haven't been posting much lately for a reason, but what Markos said about a possible "extra" EN got me thinking, and I finally decided to address it. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Hindsight's 20/20 I suppose.

Not ONE WORD about your marriage. What are you doing for your marriage, for your DH?

I think it would be fun to read it aloud to him. I haven't tried that before. We've read some of Dr. Harley's books aloud to each other (portions of them, at least).

And I love the thought of a card game. We do enjoy playing games together. I'm going to buy that and give it a try.

She doesn't have to answer to you, or accede to your idea of what this thread should be about.

How about you go take care of your own shattered glass house.

You didn't actually ask what I was doing for my M or H.

Let's see. I keep the house (relatively) clean. I make sure he doesn't starve by fixing him dinner every night. I watch the kids and take care of the majority of their "stuff" while he's at work so he doesn't have to worry about that. I go out on dates with him. I talk to him. I listen to him. I show him affection. I tell him I love him everyday and how much I appreciate how hard he works for our family. I encourage him when he talks about going back to school.

Are those filling his top ens?

It's been awhile since we filled out the EN questionnaire, but the last time we did, his top EN's were: O&H, Affection, Conversation, SF, and... darn, I forget the last one. I suspect that it's time to fill out the questionnaire again. I'm sure we could both use a little updating.