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Trustwillcome,
Thank you for sharing your story.
After I found phone records, my H confessed over the telephone. The heart pounding, gut wrenching pain in the gut D-day feeling is one I still recall nearly 3 years later. Everything about life for me, for my H and I and our family, changed that day. Recovering is hard work, but worth it. That is evidenced by both your and your H's posting and this perspective is so valuable on these forums.
AM
Last edited by armymama; 01/09/11 03:22 PM.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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GloveOil,
Thankyou soo much for sharing. Your story is inspirational and helps me feel hopeful about my own recovery. A lot of the feelings you shared remind me of the struggles and feelings my H has dealt with and shared with me.
I have a greater respect for my h after seeing him step up to the challenge of recovery.
He continues to be there for me and help me heal.
Bravo to you for truely stepping up and doing the same for your lovely wife.
Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
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Oh Glove Oil and TWC,
Thank you both for sharing your story!
It's heart-wrenching, but also heart-warming!
Your posts are so encouraging for those of us on the road to full recovery!
Thank you so much!!
Me:44 BS
H:45 FWS
Married 22 yrs
Together 27 yrs
3 children: 14, 12, 9
EA then PA: Oct '09 - Aug '10
DDay: 8/20/10
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TWC,
Thankyou so much for sharing you perspective. I know all too well the pain you felt day and beyond.
You seem to have a great faith and I'm glad both you and your H are here on these boards!
Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
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GO and TWC, congratulations on your recovery!
TWC, could you give those of us still struggling with leaving the past in the past advice on how, what, and when you felt it was time to just keep the past in the past?
How did each of you come to a place of accepting the past and finding peace in moving forward together?
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Thanks for your post. I can relate so much to everything you wrote about D-Day. I also needed and leaned on a good friend on that day. I felt like the air was being sucked out of my body and my dear friend helped me through. I also had warned my DH about the XOW before D-Day and of course he didn't see her for the snake that she is. It's funny how we can tell when women are on the prowl. Our rebuilding is going very well and for that I am thankful. I also think it's wonderful that the XOW's DH divorced her because women/men like her never stop. They continue their bad behavior until they destroy themselves and they take a lot of innocent ppl down with them in the process.
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GO and TWC: Thank you for posting your story of DDay. The interesting "sides" to what happened to each of you that day, are not always explored here. Thank you for the call out, GO. I do not know it you ever got to read my story of D-Day: Curtains for LG Similar, but different. There are not that many Former Wayward Husband stories here. With the honesty presented by you in these posts. Take care and continue your journey.... LG
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Thanks, everyone. I am glad that someone can benefit from what we endured. A few have asked how I got to this place of peace with GO and I do intend to address that, but my work schedule/family schedule have been grueling. Hopefully in the next week or so....
ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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...How did each of you come to a place of accepting the past and finding peace in moving forward together?
I haven't "accepted" the past, as such. Rather, I've accepted that I can't change the past, and that if I want to be a productive member of my family & the world at large, I need to focus on doing right by my wife now & in the future. That doesn't mean I don't still regret the past like hell.
Re: "finding peace" -- I think one of a FWH's responsibilities is to define his peace by the level of peace his wife feels. I'm not "at peace" with the past. I hate what I did. I hate that past. There's no peace to be found there. Rather, peace is found in feeling that TWC has forgiven me (a mystery you'll have to hear about from her); in how we are able to delight in one another today; and in knowing that we both want to delight in one another for the future. That's not MB-speak, but the Rules of Protection, Honesty, Care, & Time, and the actions they each imply, are all very important to securing that peace.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Thank you both for sharing your story.
Mrs. W and I had a different start to experience (she was the wayward, I busted her and it took a few difficult weeks to get her to end it)
...but...
We've ended up in the same spot...
Recovered (6 years this coming Spring) and grateful for each other and MB.
I'd be interested in your wife's take on you posting on the MB forums helping others. Did it help her to see you "getting it" as you wrote out your thoughts about others in their situations? [my wife got back her empathy gene very early on helping betrayed spouses with their then horrible active wayward spouses].
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Thank you for this. It gives me so much hope!
DDay: 8/3/2010
my age: 43
her age: 39
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GO and TWC, does talking/writing about this episode help the healing process or open the wounds again? The reason I ask is that I am relating it to my own situation - my W and I rarely ever mention it.
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It's almost like we're talking about two totally different people; I barely recognize them. It doesn't reopen the wound because in my mind the wound is healed. There is still a scar you can feel that will always be a reminder of what we went through, but it doesn't ever feel as bad as the first few months again when we start talking about it.
It DOES help to think that someone out there might benefit from the hearing of this story, so that is why we shared it.
ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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ImStaying,
Dr. Harley comments on this a bit (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html). Those comments suggest that there are contexts in which it should not be brought up, after a certain level of confidence has been established in the information shared about the affair.
So it's wise to be careful & deliberate. I think it depends on why you're talking/writing about it.
Putting down, in black-&-white, a little glimpse of just how corrupt I had become, is not easy. Seeing it again wasn't easy for TWC, as she said. For me, seeing again, in black-&-white-streaked-with-tears, just a little glimpse of the pain I caused her, is not easy.
But if it keeps me mindful of how much I've got to atone for & to be grateful for -- at a time removed from the affair, when in theory I could fall into the trap of complacency -- then I think that reminder isn't altogether bad.
And if anyone else on these boards can benefit by seeing how others have felt or caused the same pain, and how it's possible to get past it, then maybe some purpose has been served -- I can't say, and will leave that for others to judge.
14 months ago, I had surgery to repair a torn rotator-cuff in my left shoulder. I had to rehab that s.o.b. intensively for 5 months before I could even start rebuilding the strength in the shoulder. There was a lot of scar tissue that had to be broken up to get the flexibility & strength back. It wasn't a pleasant feeling by any means, but it was part of healing better. Make any sense?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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But if it keeps me mindful of how much I've got to atone for & to be grateful for -- at a time removed from the affair, when in theory I could fall into the trap of complacency -- then I think that reminder isn't altogether bad. It was awesome of both of you to share this. For some reason, GO, it seems you have put your head on square enough now to not fear complacency. I dunno... sometimes I think that... maybe, just maybe... FWS's are kind of like cancer survivors (though maybe a cancer caused by tobacco- it was avoidable but for decisions made) and possibly understand how precious what they have is. Where I am now, I cannot share in that thought. I didn't need to survive cancer. Things are lifting, albeit slowly, but they are lifting. I don't know if one year from today, I will be able to send a similar message; "It was a normal day, no triggers..." but I know that yesterday was nowhere near what I thought it would be a few days ago, a few weeks ago, or even a few months ago. It "wasn't all that bad." I can take that.
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 01/27/11 08:34 AM. Reason: get the
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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GloveOil,
Thanks for sending me to this thread. I cry as I read it b/c I'm still so close to all of the devastation I created in my M. My Gosh, your BW is amazing that she wrote you that email on Jan. 7th.
Gives me hope.
FWW - me (41)
BS - (42)
EA turned PA (2+ years)
DD - age 5
DS - age 7
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I bawled my eyes out reading this thread. TWC I pray to be where you are in a year.
BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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i agree with jess would love to hear your wifes story, i think it would help many here, as your story has.
Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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(bumping for everyone who hasn't read the opening post...both BSs & WSs)
I just read it for the first time--Pep had linked it into a new thread--and it brought tears to my eyes as it did for many others before me.
Thank you, GloveOil, for the courage to post it and for the superb writing skills. Congratulations to you and your wife on your amazing recovery and God Bless.
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