JUST GOT THIS EMAIL FROM WW... I desperately need advice or suggestions on how to respond to it!!!

Do I have a good reason for talking to him, not by your standards. But the truth is (yes I know you are laughing at me using that word) is that i was so upset and messed up after counseling yesterday that I had no one to turn to to talk to. I sat there in the parking lot at borders and went through my phone directory and the sad thing is the only person I could call was [female friend].

When she had to get off the only other person there was to talk to is the one person I probably should not have turned to. But we have been friends. Hell I went and ate at Fernandos by myself because I have NO ONE else. (You can even go and ask them because I am sure you don't believe that either. I sat in a booth on the left side and ordered Fernados nachos and one bud light.) I was the only one eating alone so I should be easy to remember. Did i do wrong yes. Do I apologize, yes. (Not that it is what you want to hear) I [censored] up, yet again.

The problem I have with therapy is that we can act like everything is hunky dory then BAM out of what seems like no where I get all of that, then we leave therapy and all that is what feels like swept under the rug for the sake of the kids and we act like nothing happened. It is an emotional roller coaster. But you know that, I have kept you on it for a while.

You threw a lot of [censored] out but I am not the only one who has made our child cry. I am not the one who has called [DS] a little [censored], to his face, among other things. [Revisionist history here] The point is we have BOTH done things to make our children cry and feel inadequate. Don't start pointing fingers unless you look in the mirror.

You did make a good point, I hadn't thought of the fact of only seeing our children 50% of the time. That thought killed me. The most important thing to me are those children. Contrary to popular belief.

There is so much about me that you don't know...
Did I ever tell you that the reason I stopped talking to [female friend] was because she said I always looked so sad and was kind of depressing to be around. This was back last Jan/Feb of 2010. I was like what the hell did I say or do that was so damn depressing or bad.

I still don't know what I did to piss of [another female friend] so bad to quick talking to me and defriend me on facebook, she never would tell me, but I usually avoid female drama and don't talk about women behind their backs so I have no clue what that could be.

I never felt like you encouraged me to persure anything...whenever I mentioned teaching you would scoff and say, I don't think you would like it or i didn't think you liked kids. Then there was the consignment shop thing. If you understood how unhappy I was doing what I was doing why didn't or havent' you sat me down and helped me figure something else out. But instead just stood by the wayside. [This is true]

I am mad and insecure about our finances. I know that we both got ourselves into this mess but damn it you are the man and should be working and acting on a plan to get us out. Instead you say lets file for bankruptcy. Good one. You are the man, you are the head of the family and I guess I expected you to take care of these things. I always got frustrated how when things got tough you always wanted to spend more money, ie the patio set, the dining room set, taking a vacation, I wish you would have put your foot down and said lets save. We should not have been buying a wii but paying [censored] off. [Revisionist again, she wanted the vacation, dining set and Wii, but she's right about the money.] Hell we quit paying daycare and now my car we should be doing better not worse. I know it is a joint effort, I just expected you to take the lead.

I wish you really understood my depression, I know you try but its hard. I know its hard for you to live with someone with this disease as well.

Don't forget...back in year one of our marriage, I asked you if you were in love with me and you blew me off. I asked you how you were supposed to know when you were in love with someone. I don't know if you ever gave me an answer. [True]

There are things that I have never felt comfortable talking to you about that a wife should feel comfortable talking to a husband about. sex for example. I have never felt comfortable talking to you about it. Now that it is on the table I probably never will. I don't know why just never felt open with you like that. Maybe the same reason we have never been able to complement each other. Why is that do you think?

I am glad that you found God, and I am sorry for insulting you that way. I just was mad and frustrated because where was this when I needed it and wanted it most and when I was most in that place. [True]

I sometimes resent that and feel that the few social contacts we have have all fallen on me, which I have apparently [censored] all up. I know that you are not all that comfortable being mr social but just got tired of feeling like i was doing all the work to only have you half there. [True] I know you say you are there now, but I think I was checked out before you checked in.

I are very angrey, pissed, and other words that don't describe madness. I understand, you are right to feel that way.
I am not at work today. I drove to my mom's house and am with my mom right now.
What now, have you changed the locks?

Another email from WW, see below...I'm delaying responding because I think this is an opportunity and don't want to screw anything up by saying the wrong thing--working on marriage, OM, etc. etc.

i know how that came across reading it...it was not supposed to sound like a you didn't do this and that email.
I am sorry taht is how it sounded. I was trying to speak what has been on my head...I know you took it personally...(how am I not supposed to take it personally?) but these are things that probably should have been said a long time ago.
I am sorry.

Just spoke with my FIL. He's 100% on board and used a lot of words when talking about OM. Finally, he said he was going to call OM and tell him to get the F out of our lives. I gave him the number.

I tried calling OM, no answer of course. Left him a message and then sent a text saying the same thing:

OM, you are going to stay the [censored] away from my wife. You are trying to break up our family and have pis*ed off people in three states. You don't stand a chance against all of us. The party is over, the affair is over and the secret is out. Take my advice, you don't need this complication.


--Did I do ok?

I think you did great. Sorry it took me so long to respond to your previous question about exposure, but after reading your WW's email I had to go take a shower to wash all the entitlement garbage off.

Seriously - I went back to go through your thread so I could be sure of my response regarding exposure to the employer. True, you don't have a lot of physical evidence. But I would do it anyway. Anything causing this much disruption in a family is not a good thing and their employer needs to know about it. Make sure she understands that your WW has lost friends over the business of her 'friendship' with OM, the entire family is in an uproar, and that she is sneaking away from you to communicate with him.

One thing I missed: remember that company party you ended up not going to? Where she brought up the idea of bagging it at the last minute? A very similar thing happened in my sitch:
My H's company Christmas party was coming up and we were planning to go. The day before, he suggested we bag it because it was going to be boring/roads would be bad, etc. After D-Day it came out that he never intended for us to go because OW and OWH were going to be there, and he was afraid of a possible scene.
Your WW's outdoor party struck me as being a very similar situation.

I'm too new to offer advice on this just wanted to say two things.

Well done on your fight, you're doing the right thing.

And Melody you're the best.

Damn I love a good exposure thread.

Excellent.

Work on exposing his side of the fence.

WW is trying to get your buy-in on all the reasons she is unhappy in the marriage, therefore she had no choice but to find happiness in OM. Don't go there. Do not validate her justifications.

Your mantra:
Cheating is never right no matter what.
We can fix this.

North wood, would not call the boss to expose because she won't have to make it official that way. You need to do this in an official capacity rather than a personal capacity. It needs to go to human resources, a key vp and the boss in an official capacity. Do this right.

And I woiuld suggest you demand your wife end her affair and cut off contact with the OM. That shhould be your response to her fog babble email. "end your affair and then we can talk."

That is a massive amount of fog babble. I would respond with:

�Every time you contact OM it puts us back to square one. I should be the person you turn to when you wish to talk to someone. It hurts that you feel you can�t talk to me. OM should not be an option at all and shouldn�t be in your contacts anymore. NC is NC.

I own up to my mistakes in our marriage and I�m willing to work on them but they in no way justify your adultery or continued contact with OM. �

Interesting and very plausible that my case was the same way. I'll inquire when the time is right. Shouldn't be long, though.

Bingo. What surprises me is that it took me this long to quit being a doormat and stop this crap. What a difference a day (and exposure) makes.

There was considerable fallout between her mother and dad coming down on her for the affair. Thanks to this site, and to you guys, for showing me the tools that I needed.

I've stayed silent all day, but her last texts indicated that she completely effed this up, was sorry for what she had done, that she was done with OM and was going to quit her job effective immediately. That she wanted to know if I'd take her back.

For today, I'm willing to work on it, and am pleased to hear that, but as old Ronald Regan said, trust but verify. There will be a lot of conditions, but I won't be a tyrant in enforcing them. I cannot change my WW. But, I won't be a doormat, either, and there isn't any negotiation available for NC with OM.

We have a long way to go and the easy part is over, I feel. I've got some reading to do about how to repair this, but am not going to rush into anything lest it get shoved under the rug. We have a lot to address on both of our parts.

BUT, I refuse to own this affair and there was no excuse for it. PERIOD.

Of all things, I think it was me finally stepping up and saying "Enough!" that got us to where we got today. Funny, wish I had done it sooner. Better yet, wish I had done a lot of things differently over the years. But that man is gone, and you can only look at the past for lessons in what not to do.

Thanks for all the support, it means a lot that strangers on the internet share common experiences. I'll be back with a ton of questions, I'm sure, and will try not to write such long posts.

Got a question already. Is the first step a NC letter?

I want to caution you about something that is pretty typical at this point:
Your WW may be desperately plotting at this moment for ways to keep OM in her life. She may well try to negotiate with you, and it will likely be something like:
"You know, I thought about it, and it would be financially stupid for me to quit my job." And then she'll go on to explain how she'll be able to stay on the job and out of contact with OM.

THIS WILL NOT WORK. She HAS TO QUIT HER JOB. Do not allow her to manipulate you on this one.

Thanks for that reminder. I agree a billion percent and her family does as well. They've even offered financial support, but we all say that the job is going to go. I said she needed to quit effective today. We (the family and I) all agree that she is too weak (no boundaries) to continue being in that job. She'll relapse, for sure.

The only concession I have is that, if they need another week for her to wrap things up, that is fine IF she can do it from home and never step foot in that office again. Anything else is just too bad. The company will make it just fine.

Should I rethink that?

Do I have that "Exposure/D-Day" thing right in my signature? Wanted to get the lingo right should anyone not feel like reading 18 pages

I have managed businesses for years. I have had employees quit without notice. I have had to terminate employees without notice. None of my companies had to close because there was a question that 'only' the departed employee could answer. And I have NEVER had to call an employee who left under those conditions in order to wrap anything up.

I wouldn't even give her the option. Next thing you know, OM will be calling 'just to wrap up a loose end at work.'

If she has to go clean out her desk or locker, you go with her.

Me again. Ok, what should I do today?

1. NC letter
2. Cell phones--cancel hers or just keep it myself since it's that number that she has on job applications or what? Just trying to be realistic but cautious as well.
3. Email addresses. I'm going to want to see the secret email account. What about her normal account? Again, it's on job applications...but still! Should I change the password and relay anything important to her? Or just close it.

How do y'all do this?

I didn't even think of that, glad I have y'all to remind me of such things.

I just spoke to her, she's pretty nervous about talking to me and alluded that she was trying to prepare herself for a complete meltdown from me. It's not going to happen (AO), rest assured, but we'll be talking a good bit.

She said she was going to type up a resignation letter and leave it there in the morning before anyone else got there. That she was going to just get her stuff and leave as she didn't want to see anyone.

Ok, that sounds good. But I'll take your advice and go with her. Do I ask to do that or just do it? God, I cannot believe I can be so wishy-washy. My mind is numb after today.

You're doing great, North! Take a deep breath - it's been a busy day for you.

She wants to leave a resignation letter in the morning? Okay. Tell her you'll be going with her to do that.

Roger that.