I never thought i will end up writing about myself for someone to help me but here i am..
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we met in a tv station where we worked, i love him and he loves me back, we care a lot for each other.

The first 2 years were nice and fun, he was trying to tell me how he likes things and i tried to tell him about mine so each one changed his temper and some habits that the other didn't like..
The third year, he started to talk about marriage (i was 23 and he was 27), but each time we did talk about it i didn't feel happy or confortable; i used to tell him "it's too early for this and i'm not feeling confortable, let's not push it . i love you (and i do !) but ..i'm just not ready yet!", so he said no problem.

That time of year i felt awful (i even went tp a psychiatrist to see why i cant accpet the marriage idea) because he was too forward( to me ) and met my family and i met his, both families are adorable, but the thing is i am a person who didnt wanted commimtment (at that time ), i felt too young, wanted to take things slow, but that didn't happen..i've been through many relationships and boyfriends before but never smthg serious till him.

I am the kind of person who has a lot of close friends and a full schedule, just caring about being young, happy and helpful.
He is the kind of guys who loves staying at home with his family, although he has no problem in going out, but a litlle passive (and tired), he has some selective friends that he doesn't meet daily.

Now after 5 years,we brought a house (still not furnished not done) and we were working on it (tiles, decoration...)so we pretty much know that marriage will happen; but i'm starting to criticise everything that bothers me in him, and i feel pain in my stomach because i'm not jumping from happiness as it happens in films! I'm starting to picture the futur and i'm not sure about the situation..
The way he lives is somehow different from mine , for ex he wakes ups for work at 5h30, and so has to sleep at 11h30 so he can stay on track.
I, am a free lancer worker so i wake up whenever i want and i love the night so i can't just sleep before 2 am (that's where i feel lonely, or if with my friends, i feel sad cos not sharing this with the person i love).

Also there is something else that keeps me worrying (in fact the most important thing) and it's the way we communicate, i mean i am a bit of a philosopher, i like to talk about small things and details, this is a part of who i am, and he is not. he tries to, but it's just not him!
This is something that keeps him away from my social life (my friends) cos he doesn't share our same beliefs, same thoughts, jokes, philosophy..

Now when i picture my life without him i run into tears because i know what i can do (and did) and how much he can sacrifice for me, but i'm not sure if we can make it through marriage without being bored (at least me), without me having to throw my life away and live his , so i won't be hurting him by not sharing my other part of life with him..
What should i do....

All that "in the movies" is just that--movies and written fantasy.

You can change your sleeping habits. Why do you need someone to be up at 2am with you? You should be able to be comfortable without needing others around. I'm sure he would say he doesn't like going to bed alone every night.

Stop having activities without each other. Find something you both enjoy doing. If he doesn�t want to go out at night with your friends, then you have 2-3 alternatives that both of you enjoy doing together.

It is very possible that he is withdrawing from you because you are getting more and more critical of him. People don�t like to be around those that criticize and gripe at them.

Part of the problem is you two are not spending the time together it takes to stay in love. Look to the right of the screen and there�s a ton of links. Click on those and read them.

It sounds like both of you have a renter mentality rather than a buyer mentality and this is pretty common when couples live together but aren't married.

I would listen to everything KT just said. Especially read the stuff on buyers, renter, and freeloaders.

I will say this....if you have sick feelings and nagging doubts and real concerns about whether or not you can live with your boyfriend as he is RIGHT NOW for the rest of your life.....

Do not marry him.

Agree on the Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

Are you two living together? If so how long have you been doing so?

Someone once told me something very profound:

"You can fall in love with someone you shouldn't marry."

Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to marry him.

At 22 I'd been living with my ex for 3 years, together for 4. I loved him and figured we'd wind up marrying eventually...til I woke up one day and realized I DIDN'T want to spend the rest of my life with him. Everyone assumed we'd get married and have kids, and we were pretty good together. He was a good guy, and I did love and care about him - but the relationship just wasn't right.

So we broke up.

One of the best decisions I ever made.

actually we never lived together. all those 5 years we see each other in the after noon night, spend some week ends together and travelled together twice. we live in a middle eatsren community so it is not very common here for couples to live together..
so how did u know he's not the one for you when u woke up..? how can u be sure?

You can never be sure. You really can't. There is no sure way to know.

One thing I absolutely do NOT believe in is that there is only one person you are 'meant' to be with. I don't believe in soul mates in the conventional sense, I don't believe in The One.

I believe that there are many people with whom one can have a fulfilling, love-filled, and satisfying marriage. Marriage is much more about BEING the right person, than FINDING the right person.

That day, when I realized I didn't want to be with him, I realized that I was not someone that could sustain a life-long relationship, and so had begun a relationship with someone that didn't have the traits I needed in someone for the long-term. We had so many bad habits, destructive behaviors, etc. built into the framework of our relationship, that I scrapped it rather than try to save it.

Then I spent some time working on myself, and BECAME a person who could commit to a life-long, fulfilling, relationship. Luckily my H came along during that process, and we've done pretty well for ourselves.

ANY two people can LEARN to have a loving, fulfilling, romantic, life-long marriage. It isn't about finding the right person, it's about two people striving to be the best spouses they can be. Having a good marriage is a skill-set, and ability. If two people work to build those skills, they can have a good marriage.

That wasn't what my relationship with my ex was.

It wasn't that my ex was a bad guy, or that he wasn't the 'one' for me. It is that we had built a relationship that just wasn't going to last. He wasn't a person who was willing to work to meet my needs, he was comfortable coasting along and if he hurt me or didn't meet my needs, it was my problem, not his. My attitude was the same towards him. It was the pattern of our relationship that was the problem.

Now, you can learn good, healthy patterns that will help you have a fulfilling marriage.


You can navigate how to live complimentary and integrated lives. So he has a different routine, and schedule. You can work that out. Your schedules and routines will change when you get married, then they'll change when you have kids, then they'll change when your kids get older, and leave the house.

You have to have the ability to negotiate through these changes. If you can't then you should probably work on that. The Policy of Joint Agreement on this site and the Guidelines for Successful Negotiation can help you arrive at a satisfying schedule.


Your husband does not have to be exactly like you. In fact, some of the richness in my life comes from the ways my husband is different. The fact that he tries is a GOOD thing, it indicates a willingness to reach outside of himself and meet your needs.

Is he going to be good at it right away? Of course not, it isn't natural to him, but he can LEARN to be good at it.

If you want a good marriage you will BOTH have to LEARN to meet each other's needs. You won't be good at it right away, but that doesn't really mean much. Over time you get better.

It really is a good sign that he tries.


From what it sounds, I wonder if you are ready for marriage. Right now your focus is on your life, on your friends. That's ok. There is nothing wrong with that. There is a time for you, and your personal growth and now is it.

But if THIS is a factor against him, I wonder if the problem isn't more that you just aren't ready to settle into a married life and make your partner your most important priority.

It's ok if that is the case. Ensure that you are marrying him because you are at a point in your life where you are ready to be married, not because you're scared of losing him, not because that's where the momentum of this relationship is going.

Thats where I was with my ex. I wasn't really ready for marriage, I wasn't marriage material... but we'd been together so long, and we cared for one another, it seemed the next logical step, though it would have been disaster for both of us.

Are you ready for marriage? Are you ready to shift the priorities of your life? Are you willing to make his goals and dreams equal to your own? Are you willing to make his needs and desires equal to your own? Or are yours a little more important right now?


This makes me really think that YOU are just not ready for marriage yet. Of course you cry at the loss of him, because you love him and have shared so much of your life with him. But don't make the fear of being alone lead you to a commitment and life you are just not ready for.

Marriage is not about sacrifice. You shouldn't sacrifice for each other. That is the path to resentment. You shouldn't have to live a divided life of 'married life/HIS life' and 'your other life'. You should live one WHOLE life. If you do not feel you can do that with him, then you need to consider that this isn't the right thing to do.

Why is it that when you think of marriage you assume you will have to throw your life away to live his?

That is a very telling statement.

I threw nothing away when I married my H. We left our past lives to live OUR life, TOGETHER. There is no his and hers, there is ours. Our hopes and dreams, our goals and aspirations. Where they differ we negotiate so that we can combine our different desires into one, complete desire that encompasses our little family.

Really think.

Are you ready for marriage?

Good post, Vibrissa.