I haven't posted in a few months and I couldn't find my old post so decided to just start a new one and fill you all in on what is now happening.

It has been almost a year since D day. I have learned a lot since then. Thanks to everyone here and other people in my life that helped me through this crazy time in my life. As you all know I went through a time where I blamed myself for everything and I just couldn't stop doing it. I let him control me and it kept me from seeing truth. You all helped lead me to the truth. At the end of summer I was still feeling that we could possibly work things out, that we would get back
together and have our marriage and family again. I was starting to feel good about myself and I was at a point where if we worked it out, great, but if we didn't I knew I would be okay. I remember Larry telling me that I would feel safe eventually. Well, I was feeling safe. And I still am. I am feeling the best I ever have in the entire 9 years I was with that loser. I decided plan B was over. Either we reconciled or ended it. And I was leaning towards ending it because I had no feelings for him anymore. I didn't care anymore. He was and is a stranger to me.

For thanksgiving loser WH went home to oklahoma to see his family. He never called his children or even tried to make a way up to Iowa in order to see them. He had every excuse he could think of....his uncle paid for him to fly home and that's the only reason he did. He was too busy with family stuff and forgot to call. He couldnt' afford to drive up and see the boys for a day. Blah. Blah. Blah. I finally just told him I was tired of this limbo sh&t and that I was losing love for him and it was almost all gone. He got extremely angry (just more proof of his ridiculous affair) and started sending me horrible texts about how his whole family now hates me and that they should've hated me all along had they known before what a terrible woman I was. It just went on and on and on. He was vicious. Very angry with me. Funny thing, that morning before he sent me those texts I had prayed to God about what I should do. I was tired of waiting around and I wanted an answer. WEll, He gave me His answer. WH has not changed one bit and little chance that he will. So, I filed for divorce the following Monday because I realized I really didn't want to save this marriage anymore. I wanted out. And I have every reason to want out. So, with a clear head and no anger, I filed. He of course texted me when he got the papers and tried to get my sympathy. Pathetic.

Right around the time that all of this happened I was reacquainted with a man I used to work with when I was first married. We were just shootin the sh*t one day and he told me that he had to tell me something and that he should've told me 7 years ago. You see, he worked with me at a restaurant and his ex wife worked with my WH at the restaurant down the street 7 years ago. I was newly married. This man was about to go through a divorce but at the time was still married. He told me that his wife at the time told him that my WH was the biggest male whore at that restaurant and that he was always getting with all of the girls. Another person came forward and told me the same thing. He has been lying and cheating for the entire marriage. And to think (this is really personal but i'm gonna say it anyway) he blamed me for the chlamydia we both had right before our wedding. He claimed it was from some guy I had been with before we were together. Boy, he had me fooled. I believed that. But I didn't have any symptoms until I was with him. But somehow he had me believing that it was ME. The whole time. The whole marriage was and is a lie. I'm so happy now. Happy to be free. I realize that he never loved me, atleast, he never loved me enough. We never had a good relationship, there were good times yes, but I can think back and remember that I was never really truly happy, not even for a few minutes. I always second guessed him. Always suspicious of him. And turns out I had every right to be that way. I had reason. I just didn't have proof at that point. So, this is what's new. I'm happy and now I know what to look for in a man and I know how to be a better wife then I ever was with WH. "my soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned"

Good to hear from you again, Tinkerbell! I am so glad you're in a good place now. This sounds like a happy ending for you. For your WH? Well, I'm sorry for him.

I'm sure he loved you as much as a freeloader can love anyone.

Honey, you married a FREELOADER.

Freeloaders make you NUTZ because as hard as you try ... your efforts are never enough to receive the love you desire in return.

Because you were so clueless for so long, please be careful.

Your "man picker" is not too good. In fact, it is lousy.
And, you do not have a very good "Bullcrap alarm".

Look into your own capacity for denial of the obvious BEFORE putting yourself "out there" in the dating world.

Just some advice from an old-timer.

Thank you for the update, Tinker How is the baby doing?

You sound much better than before and it sounds like Plan D was inevitable for you. I am glad you were able to get some answers to help you be at peace with that decision. (((Tinker))))

I hear what you're saying. I know that I picked a loser 9 years ago. And that I was blind to who he really was and what love really was. I have been through extensive counseling and I have had my eyes open to the truth about my past marriage. I know that I wasn't good at picking a man back then, but I do have a good idea of what I want in a man now. I am 10 years older than I was when I met my stbx WH. I'm not as stupid as you think.

Hey susieQ!

The baby is doing great. He is almost 9 months! He is a beautiful baby and is going to be walking soon I'm sure! He lights up my whole families lives and we just love him and my other boys to death! And the stbx WH hasn't met him yet. It's been almost a year since the big boys and I have seen him. His loss!

Thanks Pep!

MB- yes, i'm sorry for my stbx! He is so blind to so many things. He has lost treasures untold. That is his fault. I got myself back. My life is so much better without him. I am so much more confident and secure with myself after letting go of that bottomfeeder.

TinkerBell81 - What up? So glad to see you here. Your thread was the first one I read here. Glad you are coming to terms with yourself and your marriage.

Do you have a plan?

How's school?

*gasp*

I'm sorry I gave you that impression.

For what?
I thought I made you feel bad?
And, I apologize once more.

Great to see you post Tink. I was wondering about you, since you were pregnant when you found out as well along with New Petals. My DD is also about to turn 9 months.

You sound a lot happier and I wish you well in everything.

Hi all, just wanted some advice regarding my ex and our children. I'm not sure if I should post here, or in the divorce forum, but the people here are the ones who know me from last March when I first started posting about my ex husbands affair.

We are now officially divorced, 3 weeks ago it was final. The judge is requiring my ex to pay $600 a month in child support. In my eyes, that is way too little for 3 children and all the crap I went through, but I will take it because it is better than nothing. The problem is, my ex husband does not work enough. He works as a personal trainer at a gym and even though he is there 12 to 15 hours a day, he does not get paid for all of those hours. It's based on how many clients he actually trains for the day. I know he is not making very much money because he owes 10 grand in unpaid rent. The landlady and I talk from time to time because she called me wanting information regarding my ex. She gave me all this info about his unpaid rent and how he will be kicked out by the end of the week. Shes going in with a sheriff and they are going to change the locks. So, obviously my POS ex is finding out how hard life can be. oh, and his lover "vampira" dumped him. But they remain "friends". haha.

He never calls the kids. Maybe once a month. He came back in March to see them for a weekend. It had been a year since he had seen us. He also tried to get me back in a very lame sort of way. He still denied sleeping with vampira, but he did admit to being "in love" with her. ha. Then he told me he missed me and that he realizes how he shouldn't have let me go. hahahaha. I have no idea why he thinks I would ever want him back. So I can be his sloppy seconds? Heck no!

He also made promises to come back this summer, but obviously that will not be happening. He tells me that I have no "right" to judge his life decisions and that he has always put the boys first and that everything he is doing in order to "make it" is for myself and the boys. He refuses to leave California, even though he can't even afford to take care of himself out there. He stands by every decision he has made. And it makes me sick. I want to know if I should even let him see the kids....the judge says he has visitation rights but he needs to be in Iowa in order to see them. And he cannot take them anywhere without my permission. But I have a feeling he won't ever come back. What do you all think? Do loser men like my ex ever return? Right now he's not paying any CS. He has sent me maybe $700 for the past year and few months. That's it. I am getting so tired of taking care of 3 boys all by myself. I go to work and I go to school. And I take care of them. I was so stressed for awhile that I was puking every morning, even if there was nothing to puke. I would dry heave for an hour or so. It was ridiculous. I don't know how I can do this without getting financial support from him. I don't know how I'm going to get into nursing school I still have so much I have to do in order to get into the program, and even so, when I am a nurse I don't know how often I will even get to see my kids. My ex has ruined everything it seems. I feel like the govt. public schools are going to rear my children and not me. I have to provide for them because their own father is an infidel who won't do anything for his children. And he is still so arrogant, he even blames his vampira for his woes. He says that she made a mistake in dumping him and that she can see what it's like out there in the cold world without his blanket of "love" and "protection". doesn't that make you wanna hurl? ick.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I need any input or advice you may have on how to deal with all of this. I am stressed beyond the limit.

sorry i didn't mean to be rude,i just took as though u were implying that i was stupid. i was just being emotional. anyway, the man i'm dating now is a good man, and i've been friends with him for years. he is really good to me and he has been what i've been through so we both know how it feels and i bring him to this website so we are working on how we want our marriage to be when we eventually do get married.

Thank you for the update. I remember your story. Sometimes personal recovery is the best. Blessings.

TB,

I have often wondered about how you were doing. Your ex??? Well, he is sitting in the situation he created for himself. Remember to tell him when he whines about it that

everything he has is exactly what "HE WANTED"

and that he chose what he has

over his family

over his wife

over everything.


Truth is, he already knows.


Or, you could just listen to him whine for a bit, then say, "Oh...itty-boo,"

and hang up on the idiot.


Frankly, the itty-boo route will likely have a stronger effect

FOR YOU!!!! LOL!!!


As far as the visitation goes, follow the court order. And have that check he is supposed to send you go through the court, too. NEVER take any money from him directly, so it is ALL ON RECORD. Because he WILL come back and try to get this CS reduced. Mark. My. Words.


SB

TB,

I have often wondered about how you were doing. Your ex??? Well, he is sitting in the situation he created for himself. Remember to tell him when he whines about it that

everything he has is exactly what "HE WANTED"

and that he chose what he has

over his family

over his wife

over everything.


Truth is, he already knows.


Or, you could just listen to him whine for a bit, then say, "Oh...itty-boo,"

and hang up on the idiot.


Frankly, the itty-boo route will likely have a stronger effect

FOR YOU!!!! LOL!!!


As far as the visitation goes, follow the court order. And have that check he is supposed to send you go through the court, too. NEVER take any money from him directly, so it is ALL ON RECORD. Because he WILL come back and try to get this CS reduced. Mark. My. Words.


SB

Thanks for coming back to update.

Wow he has a lot to work through (as do so many waywards).

Definitely have the legal system collect the child support.

I know you will find happiness in your future.

Thanks SB for responding. So, you really think he will come back to IA just to get his cs reduced? You know what he told me? He said that he didn't feel the need to pay child support because he doesn't get to be with his sons everyday. He also told me that he would much rather have all 3 kids himself and take care of them instead of me. He even threatened me by saying that in the future I will no longer be in "control" of our kids. Although I really don't know how raising 3 children would fit into his hedonistic lifesytle. lol!