Hey all!

I am a newly separated woman who has not reached 30 yet. My husband of 5 years and I decided that we needed to split up for various reasons. We truly are no longer the people we are when we first got married is a major one. We also are just no longer compatable, being at two very different places in life.

While we do not have any children between us, his three children are in his/our custody full time. The news of our separation has caused some stress, but seeing that they are older (16, 15, 12)they understand the whys a little bit better.

The 15yo and I have a very strong relationship. He has always looked at me as mom, and is having issues with his relationship with his older brother.

My STBX and I have spoken at great length as to the nature of our relationship and the relationships that I have with the kids. He and I actually get along better than we have in a couple of years! We both agree that the kids have a place at my house any time they need to get away. Both my STBX and I have entered into other relationships, and the kids know my SO well.

Has anyone ever had this situation before? Both my STBX and I both want to be friends. We just don't fit as husband and wife any more, but we are still really close friends. Neither of us want that part to end. While our separation has been signed there have been some issues with him getting into his new place (money and health issues with the property manager) we have both agreed to keep the contact with the SOs out of the house.

Any advice as to how to keep this as amicable as possible to cause less stress on the kids as well would be appreciated.

Well, you could both stop seeing other people until your divorce is final. What you're doing is sending entirely the wrong message to the kids. 'Separated' is not 'divorced'.

Even better, you could use MarriageBuilders concepts to repair your marriage and make it better than ever. Would you be open to that?

Trust me, when talking to my STBX that is exactly what he is. He doesn't want reconciliation and there are things that are non-negotioables for me at this point.

A big one is that I want to be able to be a mother in everysense of the word, as in having one of my own children. He is no longer open to that.

He is also moving in with his SO. I can't stop him, and when I asked him if he would consider not moving in with her until after the divorce, that was met with a flat out no and a lovely little argument.

We live in a state that requires a year long separation before filing for divorce, and neither of us know what is going to happen. Personally, if he wants to reconcile, I'll willingly work on it. If not, then I believe that we are better off as friends. We are both on the local VFD and will see eachother frequently.

When we first started talking about this, we tried the MC thing, and it didn't work.

The kids aren't upset about us seeing other people, that is something that we have made sure of, and they are honest enough people to say if it did bother them.

If you want to be a good example to the children, I'd suggest not dating until your divorce is final.

I understand that you feel sorry for the children. Their bio Mom must be a mess if she isn't in their lives. You have tried to provide stability for them and have been there during a crucial phase as they moved from being children to teens.

I have to warn you though, this forum is mostly made up of people who have been in a marriage that ended due to infidelity. I haven't been here very long, but I have noticed that they take a VERY strong stand about relationships outside of marriage. I don't think you're going to get much sympathy here if you also choose to have an extra-marital relationship.

I'm sorry that you married a man who claimed to be willing to have children and then changed his mind. That must have hurt.

I know you said that the kids aren't upset about you seeing other people. Kids lie. Maybe they are glad that you and their father aren't fighting so much and on some level they want you both to be happy because they love you. . . but they don't like it.

You'll get a lot more support on this forum if you dump the other man in your life and take time to get divorced and heal from the pain of a broken marriage. Some experts say that to heal from a divorce takes one year for every five years of marriage. If you choose to be single and spend the next year learning who you are and what you want out of life, you'll make better choices for your next relationship and you'll be in a better position to help those kids when their father's next marriage breaks up.

Hi, SL. My situation sounds very similar to yours.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced since November, and we were also required to wait for a year.

For us, the way we kept our divorce civil was that we worked out as much as possible between the two of us, and then basically just had the lawyer draw up the paperwork and represent us in court.

And we each paid half of the amount to hire one lawyer. Legally, she could only represent one of us, but he and I have the sort of relationship where that wasn't a problem. We communicate well about the day to day details, and whenever she would send me paperwork, I would simply forward it to him for his approval.

I did not ask lawyers for their opinions or their advice - and I think that's key. I didn't want them involved on a personal level. I actually got rid of the first lawyer because he was in 'attack' mode, and I just refused to go there.

It was my experience that the female lawyers were more open to doing things our way.

It's hard on everyone involved, and I wish you the best.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Please take a look at this MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce".

Being "friends" after divorce is one of those things that sounds good on paper, but is a disaster in real life.

You will be sending a very, very confusing and contradictory message to your children about what family really is and what it involves.

You will be showing them that family doesn't have to be a full-time investment. You will be showing them that hey, a parent can walk away from the family and start up with somebody else, but still show up for some fun times when they feel like it and then go right back to sleeping with somebody else.

You will be showing your kids that a part-time family is good enough for them and they should not expect to have full-time.

Then you can sit back and watch while they go through their lives with only part-time investment in their own spouses and children and expect that to be good enough.

You will be showing them that no, marriage is just a convenience when you feel like it and does not have to be respected - not your own and not anyone else's. Hey, even dating before divorce is perfectly okay.

I hope you will think about this. You need to break the cycle for your children, not put them on the same one.

Threads don't take long to veer off course, do they?

I'm just going to throw this out there - the perpetuation of a fantasy marriage.

It would be wonderful if staying married meant that our children would all grow up with no contradictory messages about family life and no confusion. But that's simply not reality.

There are an endless number of people who hold on to the title of 'married', yet are part-time moms or dads who are only investing bits and pieces of themselves, and only participate when it suits them.

Just because a man and woman choose to stay married does not mean that there is respect. And it does not mean that children are being raised in loving, healthy homes.

My 17 year old daughter was telling me yesterday that she cannot name one married couple among her friends parents where the dad treats the mom respectfully. And both she (17) and my son (18) tell me over and over how they witness the verbal abuse that parents pour out on their teen children on a regular basis. That is confusing to my children.

My daughter and I have been having a lot of good discussions about relationships, and what I wish for all my children is that they develop more self-knowledge before marriage - take the time, read the books, date a lot of people, go through the questionnaires, really scrutinize the relationships and one another prior to being married. Personally, I think that would help the next generation a great deal.

Isabeau, if you can, pick up the book "I Promise You" by Dr Harley. Dr Harley's approach to marriage is completely and dramatically different from anyone else. [it actually works] Their program, if used, faciliates life long romantic love and teaches couples how to be compatible. I got this book for my son before he got married last October. My new little DIL is reading this book and they have been practicing the principles.

Much of the stuff that we believe about marriages is very wrongheaded.

Isabeau - Please. Two wrongs do not make a right. You're saying that since so many marriages are crappy, why not accept an equally crappy divorce?

Neither one is a solution. Creating a strong marriage is the solution - and if anyone is not willing to respect their marriage *and* other people's marriages, they should stay single. Seriously. They will be much happier and so will the rest of us.

Ordered it!


I agree with you - I really do.

My point is that there is too much fantasy and not enough reality surrounding what it means to be married.

When I tried to open up in our pre-marital counseling and share what I was struggling with, (cause you know us women and how we like to share) he, the Pastor, quickly shut me down. Getting it over with was his priority.

In our society, young adults are just kind of left to fend for themselves, in terms of who they choose to marry, and then they're left to cope with the fallout.

Many parents will give their children condoms or take them for abortions, but refuse to offer any guidance about choosing a mate. I think that's messed up.