I just wanted to let those who have helped me and have been following my stitch, I'm back! I had to pull my thread down because I wasn't sure if someone was reading it. I will post an update soon. I have to remember where I left off. There have been some changes.

Here is an update. Gathered evidence and exposed. After about 2 days WH still didn�t realize because he didn�t return calls.

I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage the morning of the 12th. He said no so I asked him to leave.

That afternoon got a text asking what I told and to whom. I didn�t respond. He sent another less friendly on that night asking the same thing, didn�t respond. He e-mailed the next day even shorter �so you aren�t going to tell me anything.� As he got more angry he started telling people things like
It�s a good thing he is taking the high road and not talking about my colorful issues. When people pressed he took it a step further and said it was all a lie and I was slandering him. Here are some lovely FB quotes. The really bad one was deleted.
There are always two sides to a story, especially when one side is so egregious
Character assassination reveals the weakness of the assassin...
Thanks to all my good friends for your support!
Seeing as how all my family and his family know what is going on and are FB friends with him you can imagine how they feel about this. The only replies or likes were from a couple of people who don�t know what is going on. They thought he was just being funny.
I finally reached out and texted him inviting him over for the day on Monday because the kids have the day off. He got here just before noon. He was very stiff uncomfortable and barely got out a hey when I saw him. As the day progressed he got more comfortable. It was interesting to watch. He changed into comfy clothes, lounged on the couch. Then, he took a shower and got into sleep pants. I thought to myself, I hope he doesn�t think he�s staying. Then my little one looks at me with bright eyes and says �Daddy's staying home.� I said no, who told you that? She said �Daddy did, we took a vote.� I have been pretty good at keeping focused on the positive but that made me so angry. I had to figure out a way to talk to him not knowing where he was mentally. I finally talked to him and he let me have it saying he talked to people I lied to and straightened out the story. Those people and his councilor said I had no right to make him leave and to get back into the house.
In that talk I let the following out not telling him how I know.
I told him I knew about the condo. wiggle wiggle lie lie. I gave him the address Quiet.

Then I brought up the cashed in stocks and rolled over the 401K with money taken out of that. I told him I was worried we were going to get slammed at tax time and I was also afraid we would loose the house.

Finally I mentioned he lied about staying over his friend V's house. (I pulled this one out of the affair stuff when he was denying that) There was denial. Then I told him I knew about the hotel. He didn't seem to react to it. I don't remember the babble. I talked a little more and we hugged and ended the conversation. Next day all quiet on the western front and he is nice and helpful. Has been ever sense.

So we have had a "time out" where he has been running things by me helping out etc. I have been plan A'ing. Now I need advice on my next planned step. I am going to mention to him that we need to talk about the finances and get a game plan together. Then I am going to tell him we need to sit down alone together and talk about what direction we are going in the marriage. We need to pick a direction and make solid plans to move in that direction.
That will give him a day or two to think before he has to pick a direction.
Thoughts?

Swallowed hook line and sinker. Now who is on the hook the BS or the WS?

@LGLG - Glad your back. So let me ask you. The last couple of weeks of drama and kicking him out of the house was so that you could go back into Plan A with WS back into the home?

He's so full of $h!t it's not even funny. He's playing you. He plans on taking this thing further underground since you don't appear to be rolling over and taking it. He needs to buy some time to figure out his next step now. Proceed with caution.

I admit I was caught off guard when he said he wasn't leaving. The heat is on because he is getting caught up in the lies. The plan was for him to leave the house if he was done. I felt he needed to be shocked into reality. He thought he could just take his time and leave when he was ready. It rattled him but not enough. I invited him over to hang with the kids as a plan A see what your missing thing. Then I was going to stay in plan A for a bit and move to dark plan B. Obviously that failed so I have to try a new plan. That is what I am working on now. That and not going off on a huge LB rant. I still shake my head at his behavior.

Do you have any advice?

Do you have any advice for how I should proceed?

I will Jmwc,
Can you give me any advice for the MANY family members that want to help shake him? They are asking me what to do and what to say.

Also, do you have any advice on what to do next? I am open to any advice.

I forgot to mention. When I realized WH was planning on staying I called my BIL and his GF and left messages. I never heard back. I was going to have him come talk to his brother. I was ticked off at WH and was questioning if my calls were being ignored. GF called me the next day. She seemed a little off and in talking she was giving me advice like I was a kid. You to need to talk etc. She said BIL called me but I didn't answer the phone. No call from him registered on my phone. Jury is still out on if they ignored the call but I suspect so. I called my SIL also and she didn't call back. I did get an e-mail from her the next morning asking me if everything was ok. She was at her mom's house late that night taking care of her.
I went to see MIL today. Got more filler for the cracks in his stories. At one point MIL said she doesn't understand why someone would have an affair with him. I thought that was an odd statement and she misspoke. Then she said "If you were single would you have an affair with a middle aged balding fat man?" For once I was speechless.

People want to tell me what he is saying about me and what his story is. I have heard some of it. I've gone back in forth on this. Will it help to know? I know the truth, will it make me want to tear holes in his story?

Still thinking of throwing a surprise party only the guest of honor won't like it.

Hi LGLG. was looking for you a few days ago and was worried. i just want to say one thing. you are NOT going crazy. NOT. i know there are and will be times when you feel like you must be mad or loco, bc YOU can see the truth and no one seem to be able to @ times. from your BiL, his GF, your SiL and your MiL... your WH is back spinning the BS and they are buying it somewhat. YOU know the truth. it is pretty self evident.

from an independent observer here, how do you explain buying a friggin condo? without telling your W and the mother of your 4 children? YOU are the one drinking? WTF? and then how about spending the night at some apt complex and then a hotel when you have a perfectly good home w/ a wife and family? there have been times when i questioned my own sanity, but that is what happens when you deal w/ a WS. it is like that movie Dark Knight. Heath Ledger played the Joker and he ultimately killed himself. supposedly went crazy bc he "bought" into the character too much. too close ot the flame? dont know. no one ever will. there will be times when you will ask yourself "how can it be? have i come to the wrong conclusion?" NO. you have not.

you need to piece together a readable chronology of events if you have not already done so. lay out a detailed list of the whos (I know, hard here), whys and whats. his counter allegations i would say are almost beneath you. you are the one who is the sole provider for those children bc you are the one not engaged in risky and addictive behavior, be it the A, his drug use or alcohol use. you are not the one engaged in extremely risky financial moves that is potentially jeopardizing the family.

as far as your children go, my kids reacted the same way to my W when her A's were revealed to them less than a month ago. my W was livid and they sided w/ her (bc they want to keep the family together and little do they know of their father's behavior to dissolve the family and end his M). but the seed was planted. cover that one up honey is what i said. you be the one to explain it to them later on when are family is no more. sure don't tell the children? but let them start pondering what mommy or daddy has done.

my thoughts are with you. prayers as well. God is with you LGLG.

LGLG, I wondered what happened to your thread. Good to see you back.

My thoughts are that you should have ended that conversation with a goodbye and not a hug.

You realize that he probably used his child to get himself back into the house, right? He may have said something like Hey, let's ask Mommy if I can stay tonight. You'd like that, wouldn't you? If that's what went down, it's freaking shameful for a father to do that.

Is anything really resolved, then? The condo and the other things you listed? It sounds as though it's being slowly swept under the rug and that you're losing confidence in your ability. Time to get it back, LGLG. You did it before and can do it again.

Savemymarr, Thanks for the post. Yours actually helped me realize what info I didn�t post in my first one. I tried to get the basic stuff that happened before I left then move on.

I did have a couple of maybe I�m crazy moments before and just after the exposure. Then another one when he �took a vote� and I reached out to his family and no one called back. I actually had a brief moment of �Maybe I am crazy and dreaming all this and I am going to wake up in the hospital!� That passed pretty quickly. WH is the one who tells me people believe him. Do I? If someone does it is one of his fake friends. His SIL (actually all his siblings) believe me. Some were a little confused by his spin, he can be convincing but after I talked to them it made WH look even worse. Now they not only believe me but now they know he lied to cover it up. I think what he has done I think his BIL and his GF made a poor judgment call if they did tell him to move back in. I saw GF at his mother�s house. It was the first time I saw her, another SIL�s and MIL. It was a little awkward but I just went about as normal and then they did. I know they love me and believe me they just didn�t know how to act. SIL (that I talk to a lot) mentioned to me that it will be awkward at first and she is right. People sometimes don�t know what to say. I have to keep that in mind. I know it must be tough for the in laws. WH is their flesh and blood but they are closer to me and know me better.

I had a couple of these. Not anymore, no one that I know is buying his BS. He is just in la la land. Talking to people (if he really is) he knows will buy his BS and avoiding those who won�t. Those that don�t buy his BS that he has talked to all talk is through text and e-mail. That gives him enough time for him to think of a spin before he replies. That is why it is critical for someone to catch him face to face before he can spin.

This one is true in the emotional and spiritual way. WH is the breadwinner. (when he is working) Per our agreement when we first starting having children I have been a SAHM. He wasn�t as helpful with the menotnunus stuff like feeding, diapers and baths but he played with them and talk with them. The change happened a few years ago, I suspect he started using coke and has been on and off. I don�t have solid proof. People keep asking me how the kids are doing. The truth is they are doing just fine, they are used to Daddy being busy. WH just doesn�t get that. I even brought that up on Monday. I talked about him not spending time with the kids when that was the purpose of him coming over. He said I talked to them and then they did their own stuff like they always do. I said, doesn�t that tell you something? The next day he was much more engaging. I think after observing me chatting and laughing at things they and their friends do he realized he had no idea who or what we were talking about.

How far do I have to go with this? It could be a novel!
I have done some of it. Every time I talk to someone another lie comes out.

Pull a full and complete credit report. Have you done this yet? We have had BS lose thousands and thousands of dollars because WS moved money before moving out.

Plan A is good, but it does not mean plan doormat.
Your instincts are getting better (BS o meter). What are your support people telling you?

What does he say about the condo? The missing money?

Not probably, did and it pissed me off to no end. It wasn�t an ask mommy, it was far worse. He casually asked the older kids if they wanted him to move back in. From talking to them they said yea ok or something like that. They had no idea what he was up to. He asked the same thing to the little one. Of course she said yes. He asked her last and after she said yes he told her we took a vote and the yes� win.

The day after he moved himself back in something came in from our mortgage company. I opened it and it wasn�t about the mortage on this house, it was the condo. It was an I�m sorry we can�t process your loan because� the credit information incomplete box was checked. Condo is now gone.

No sweeping things under the rug. Either he stays, cleans up everything under the rug and steam cleans the rug and kisses my a�. or he takes the rug and everything under it and leaves. I don�t think I have lost my confidence, I just need help with a STRONG plan to light a bone fire under him.

Can I pull a credit report on him? Some of his stuff won't show up on mine.
Condo, he lied at first. Then he said I knew he got approved for a loan, he told me and I knew he was moving out. (went with the ok, she knows about the condo I will just try to convince her I told her about the loan because she already knew I was moving out)
He didn't say anything about the money, moved the conversation to something else. This is why we need a serious sit down. That was not a planned confrontation.
I don't understand what you mean by what are my support people telling me? That WH is a bleep?

My thoughts and my advice is this. You need to Plan A for a little while. Get your Plan B figured out. What are you going to do to get into Plan B? Get your ducks in a row.

Why do I say this? What has changed in your sitch? Think about it. Did your WH change? NOPE. The only thing that changed was how YOU look at it. Nothing else has changed. I think you are being gaslighted my friend.

So, now you need to take a breath, look at your sitch and devise YOUR plan. Not one that is contingent on what your WH does or doesn't do.

My plan is to talk to him and get a direction. Then go in that direction. I can still Plan A while we are moving in the direction, right?
If he says he is still done I will tell him he needs to find a place and set a solid date. I will even offer to help find one for him. I will also tell him that his place needs to be at least 5 miles away for ME. (trying to think of the wording here. I need a buffer zone. I also need help with the wording when he starts his BS about being close for the kids.) This is when I will let him know it is in his best interest to be out by the 1st because my parents are coming. He is so far gone I don't even think he realizes how much they hate him right now.

I know WH hasn't changed, he just knows I am not as much of a pushover as he thought. What do you mean by "The only thing that changed was how YOU look at it" ?

In order to make my plan don't I at least need to confirm if he is still done? If he says he is in and doesn't SHOW me that then that means he is gaslighting, what do I do then? I honestly want to find some condos or apartments FOR rent, print them out and put them on his nightstand. I know he is also going to pull the "we don't have the money now for me to move out" (ummm... and who's fault is that?) I will tell him to use his money that he has in his account.

Ok, it took me a while but I think I got it. I have been off MB too long.

I will ask WH if he is still done. Should be a yes by his actions. (or should I even ask?)
Then I will say, ok we need to get a plan together so we can move forward. (before this I will HAVE the apartments and condo's printed out) I will hand him the printouts and say, I found these, they are all available by Feb. 1st. Then I will move forward with my plans. In my stick I will also tell him that while he is in this house he needs to respect me and not come and go like he is single. I will also expect him to co parent.
How's that for a plan?

Advice?

Keep him on a very short rope. And you are the one setting conditions that he has to abide by, not the other way around. No more leaving at night and going out for hours on end. He comes home and spends time with the family. No more girlfriends. He writes NC letter to one/all of them. No drugs. No spending family money like a drunken sailor behind your back. He also needs to be transparent and account for his time, check in with you if he has to be gone. No more secret life. These need to be the conditions for him to be allowed back into the house. He can't just come back and say, "I know you kicked me out, but I am going to do what I want and stay here." If he doesn't meet those conditions, file for legal separation and get him removed from the house, finances separated, support in place, etc. He needs to know there are consequences for acting the way he was acting and you will not just roll over for him. You need to show tough love to an addict. Any weakness will be exploited.

No, don't help him move out. That's his problem, for his big-boy pants.

It's fine for you to set a date in the near future when he needs to be moved out. Hold to it, and just fog talk and change the subject whenever it comes up.

I'm guessing at least some of his family members are a bit rattled by having him lie to their faces. If they speak out, good, if not, don't stress it. Just by him (and OW) knowing that people know and disapprove, it's putting pressure on the A already. Getting blasted by family and friends is just a cool bonus.

Stay strong - he's the one who is crazy right now. Make your home a haven, avoid R issues as much as possible, and continue to snoop.

You can do this.

My only concern is that we have a current poster, who's WH took out a $150,000 credit line (against the marital home) and gave it to the OW.

Everyone believed that she (BS) would be able to get this money (or at least 1/2 of it) back. By all standards of justice, this should be a no brainer.

She recently has had poor luck in court and it appears that she will NOT get it back, - not anytime soon then, but the final divorce paperwork is not settled yet.

jmwc95,
This is my plan if he says he is committed. The problem is after he pulled his crap on Monday things had to settle a little, I needed to think, reset and make a plan. During the conversation he said he was still done. At one point near the end he did say he wasn't sure and had to think about it.

I have to talk to him so I am CLEAR on what direction he is moving in. He has to say it. He already knows what direction he is moving. Either he is still leaving and making plans (can you say underground?) or he wants to stay and is trying to do so with as little consequences as possible.
He is helping around the house, running things by me including informing me of where he is going and who he is meeting. He hasn't gone out much. Job interviews and meeting a friend (I know and like) to discuss what happened in the interview. This could be him trying to work his way in or it could be playing nice while he makes his exit plan.

I need advice on what to say and how to ask him this. No wiggle room. This needs to be done asap, like today or if it doesn't work for ME, then tomorrow.

If I just say what you posted he may say "I told you I was done." He needs to be vulnerable and admit he wants to stay married if that is what he wants. Then I will tell him what what you said.
If he is out then I will say what I posted before. Find something to rent that we can afford (give him a price range). Use the money he has saved to pay his bills. If he balks at getting a no frills place I will ask him "What is more important, you have a nice place with amenities or your children have a roof over their heads and having their basic needs met." I may throw in "After we are no longer financially tied and child support and alimony are settled you will be able to buy your on place." Hmmmm.... I wonder if he thought about Alimony?