Hi,

I posted on here months ago in the general forum I believe (not really sure), and somehow fell off this site regrettably. I don't know if I had the strength to do everything I needed to do to change things, but right now I feel depressed more than at anytime in my life including the day I found out.

One year ago today, My soon to be Ex wife moved out to be with the OM. She realized it was not a proper environment for the kids, so I got to have them and they were my focus. I guess in many ways it kept my mind off my self perceived inadequacies.

The year has been filled with ups and downs, many of them. Let me start from the beginning though to give as much info to help me out in the long run.

About November 2009, my wife started acting hostily and differently towards me. I didn't know what was going on, but tried to change in what ever way possible to accommodate her wishes. Well, it didn't work. She continued to be angry and XMAS that year was the worst I could remember. In Mid January I made a discovery, and confronted her with infidelity and her possibly being pregnant. She confirmed, and packed, and left.

The guy she left me for was unemployed, lived in a trailer with his mother, and had anger management issues that he was taking medication for. I still cannot figure this out, but I guess when you feel you love someone it doesn't matter.

So for a few weeks, I received a lot of hateful emails, and why this was my fault. Then a few weeks later she started talking about working it out. So for a few months I received many mixed messages, including intimate kisses, love mail, etc. Multiple "I love you's" were daily, and her missing me was daily. Then in May, towards the end it all changed. I don't know why, and it is probably better it did go one way, and not continue down the confusing street, but she let me know that we were over.

So for a few months I spent trying to figure out what that meant. In August she had her baby. In between I received a lot of guilt, she made me feel so crappy, and was told that she hated me. I had done nothing wrong, but she hated me. Well, after the baby was born, she changed her tune yet again. Now, she was not coming back, but she apologized for all she had done, and told me she really did love me. Two weeks later she kissed me again. Then again, back to the same routine. Everything was my fault. She didnt want to hear my thoughts because she already "knew I was hurting" because "thats what I always say". This has continued for the past several months, but I still get a scattered "I love you" thrown in there.

I guess where I am at is confused. I know that we can never repair this. I know it will never go back to the good days. However, I just cant get over this either. I have tried dating, dating sites, etc. I am NOT emotionally available. I don't want to be alone, and I guess I am a codependent. In addition, I believe I have developed an addiction of my own. Not an excuse, but now I go to casinos like 2 times a week. I want to join an organization, or a club of interest, but I have built my life around her and my kids, never allowing myself time to build many interests. I have also look for organizations here that help people who have been cheated on, and I am having a super time finding them. Gambling - Yes, Codependency- Yes, Broken Heart - NO.

I know I may be feeling sorry for myself, and I do all I can not to show any of this when I have my kids, but I feel so insignificant, so worthless, so destroyed, and its been a year. I don't know where to turn. My famiy knows I am hurt, but I think they believe I am better than leading on. I fear to tell my friends that I am not over this because I get the typical responses of you are better off without her, or the similar expressions. I actually am aware of that, but I still feel like a nothing nonetheless. I was left for a man with anger problems, when all I felt I ever did was make her happy. And I am having a very hard time dealing with that.

I have an internal debate going on inside my head wondering if it is me that needs to change because I just am not the man I thought I was. Or do I need to be happy with I am, not compromise myself, and eventually get through this. The second option sounds so much better, but I feel so GONE. I think about everyday of the last year, and replay these days, at least the significant ones in my head, wondering what different things I could have done. I cant find anything I would change. I guess maybe grow a pair, but I felt I really did love her and was willing to put her above everything except for the kids. I know I am probably just venting, being the one year anniversary, but I needed to release. I am sorry.

I left out a really important part. It was discovered that she was addicted to Crystal Meth. So CPS got involved, and she is now going to classes. So that kind of hangs over the situation as well.

Dude, I went back and read your old thread. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this. Of course it hurts and of course you're not over it. That takes time.

As far as your marriage is concerned, MB teaches that you cannot even begin to work on the marriage while the WW is an addict and using. So, until your wife is clean and remains clean for a period of time you need to be on either a Plan B or Plan D with her. I'm sure the experts on the forum will be here soon to make suggestions about that.

Where are the kids now? The oldest one is not biologically yours, right? Is your wife getting child support? Where is his father?

I'm assuming that you have the child that is yours.

What is going on with the new baby? Does the OM have custody? Or has that child been removed from the home due to drug use?

Does your dad still live with you?

Right now, you need to spend as much time as possible working on yourself while you wait to see what's going to happen with your wife. I'd suggest al-anon to help you overcome your co-dependency issues and DivorceCare to help you get over the pain of your separation/divorce. You need to stop gambling right now. If you can't, then you need to go straight to Gamblers Anonymous. Finally, don't even consider dating yet. You're still married, and you're not in an emotionally healthy place right now.

I agree with Kirby. It's only been a year since she left, and she is still infesting your life in many ways.

She sounds like a seriously trouble individual, if she's been involved in serial cheating and with meth use. Your #1 priority should be to keep the kids safe and provide them with a stable environment. She cannot do that - not even for five minutes at a time, from what you have posted.

I would advise you to use Plan B. Cut off all communication with her except for what is absolutely necessary to deal with the children, and even then use an intermediary.

She might have moved out, but she is still in your life on a constant, daily basis. Once you get her cruelty and chaos out of your life and your children's lives, and YOU take control of the situation, much of your anxiety and pain will ease - pain you are currently trying to medicate with things like gambling.

And I concur that you are simply not ready to date yet. Your divorce is not even final. Go to Plan B and give it a few weeks. You will almost certainly feel much better.

I went in today to sign the divorce agreement. We went through a mediator. It has been a really surreal weekend.

As for the kids. We have them split equal. Child Protective Services didn't take the kids from her, but she is required to attend class 3 times a week, and is supposed to have random check ups and drug screenings. It appears that these aren't really happening like they should.

Its funny. I gave up so much to move forward from this. Sometimes I question whether I gave up way too much. I gave up the house. I agreed to a lot of things that I was not sure about, just to get moving on.

Another thing that is bad on my part is we are "friends" on Facebook. She removed me when I didn't get a present for her (from the kids) at XMAS. Then a week later puts me back on. Its tough to go on there and read how she would not change any of her decisions, she is now with the love of her life, he is her everything, etc. Or what her sex drive for the day is? I know I shouldn't care or even be friends on Facebook, but I honestly am just stuck in going through motions. Like I am almost in a "whatever" state. Its like I have already been beaten up so much, it doesn't matter what I see, read, or hear next. Like a kind of numbness. I hate the feeling.

Thanks for the advice guys. I need to go revisit the plans, and determine the best course of action. I just want to go back to being me. My divorce will probably be in effect at the end of this week, that's when the judge is supposed to sign off on it. However, he may determine that I need to pay my 228 dollars a month for child support because she is not working, and neither is the new guy. Her dad pays the mortgage and all the bills. Her unemployment pays for groceries, etc.

Again, thanks. I am going to have some questions that I will ask after really reviewing some information on this site. Have a good Monday.

What has been helping me through the confusion and pain of it all is trying to see the lessons in all of it. Which helps me to improve myself/or not, know more of what I want and don't want. Putting my focus on me and what do I want/need to do next. I've also found that I am happy by just loving those around me, and myself, in each and every moment. The love seems to come back to me two fold. I'm not saying I don't have some down days/hours/minutes, I do, but no where near like I did in the past. And during those down times, I handle those by concentrating on acceptance and forgiveness. Helps every time.

I'm sorry you are in this dark period Azdad. See if you can feel inspired by one good thing every day when you wake up, even if it's something tiny, that is something you want. Eventually, your inspiration will grow, along with your happiness, hopes, and dreams.

Btw, A suggestion....you may want to stay off facebook, or any other avenues where you can see your STBXW. It's much easier if you have no/to minimal contact if you want to heal and move on faster. It is working for me the darker I can get. Gives me more time to focus on just me and those around me.

Thanks for all of your suggestions. The weird thing is we barely have any contact except when I drop off or pick up the kids, and then it is 99% of the time about homework, the kids stuff, etc. Then every freaking out of the blue moon I get an "I love you", or "I hate you". As for Facebook, I should have never accepted her friend request. Got me there. Moment of weakness in all honesty. I think the part I don't get more than anything else is why she hates me. I cant think of one thing I did. Its like I went from the best part of her world to her worst enemy in what seems like a second. The part that is my fault is I allow it to bother me, but its honestly really difficult for me to accept that she perceives me as this POS person. I like to think I am a "great guy". But lately, I have felt that maybe I am not. It kind of sucks. Been to counseling and pretty much was told to join an organization, so I am looking into it, but trying to find something is difficult.

Again thanks for your help. What does STBXW mean by the way? Stupid Tyrant BIt@$ X Wife? LOL. I really dont know. Thanks

AZDAD

Soon To Be eX Wife.

Hahahaha....that was funny. STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife.



I can really relate to this. Same thing here. He's angry, I feel hate vibes from him, and for awhile I did beat myself up internally way more than I probably should have over that.

Seriously though, what works for me is whenever a thought about him pops up which generates a negative feeling in me, I immediately realize I'm in his business, and there's no one taking care of me. I use that moment to put my focus back on me and how I am acting. I also do fun things and enjoy whatever is going on when I don't think about him.

Oh, dear gods - get off of her Facebook page right now! Unless it deals directly with the kids, you should know *nothing* about what STBXW is doing. It's her problem now, and you will never begin to heal unless and until you get her chaos and cruelty out of your life.


This is exactly why I have not and never will look at XWH's Facebook page (he lied about having one while we were still married) or at anything else he's involved with. Everyone who knows me has been told that I do NOT want to know anything at all about what he's doing. And I don't.

BTW - she hates you because you destroyed her fantasy of having both a husband and a boyfriend. All addicts live in delusional worlds where they honestly think they can have both their drug *and* a stable life, and are always very angry and frustrated when of course that never works. That's where she is now.

Stay away from it! You and your children will only suffer more if you don't.

You've got nothing to feel bad about. You're a good dad and you were a good husband.

Get her out of your life in every way possible. She doesn't get to kiss you, you don't rescue her, you deal with your own issues post haste.

I hope you still have that little boy. He needs a man like you, there aren't enough good dads in the world.

Those are your priorities:

Protect the kids
Heal and protect yourself
Find a new life

Thats it!

Azdad,

Getting back to the confusion of her hating you, and you internalizing it....

I think we all do this. I think it's healthy and normal to look inside of yourself and see where we went wrong. It hurts when you do find things that didn't help the relationship. We just have to accept that that is where were at during that time, and use that as a lesson to improve yourself. Forgiving myself was way harder than forgiving my STBXH. I've heard that the people whose hearts were broken, can love much better afterwards. I believe that's true. The next man who snags me, is going to be one lucky guy.

And you can also accept some things about you just the way you are. No one is perfect, and it's obvious you're looking inside yourself. That says something. Once you get to a point where you can really accept "what is" and not resist that, a weight will lift on you and you can put it down and go about figuring out what would make you excited to do.

This is coming from someone who has suffered clinical depression. What turned that around for me was acceptance, forgiviness, and stopping negative thoughts. Along with living in the moment, figuring out what I want.

If you're interested I have some book recommendations that could help.

Oh, and btw, after I read the book "How to be an Adult in Relationships", it showed me exactly what I was doing wrong, and what I was doing right. It helped me to not blame myself for as much as I was either. We were both at fault, and I forgive us both.

My husband is "where he is at" now as well. He's taking a different journey and I wish him well. I even hope he'll forgive me one day for my wrongs. I feel good knowing that I've apologized, continue to choose forgiveness, and am moving on with loving detachment.

Thank you!

I would definitely appreciate any book recommendations. I have read Codependent No More, After the Affair, and Children of Alcoholics (SHe was a child of an alcoholic), and would be more than willing to read more. I appreciate your advice totally, especially when I get to feeling like I am a sprigboard for other peoples relationships and am not happy with myself. I always thought of it as not satisfied with me, but maybe I was not happy with me, and I need to change that. I need help, but I know if I am strong enough it wont be too hard. Getting off of Facebook is a challenge. I dont actively seek her Facebook Page. Whenever she posts something to her wall I get it too. I know I should close her, but we are trying to maintain the looks of a friendship I guess so the kids see that??? I dont know. I guess I have been going about a lot of things wrong, maybe that is another LOL. I cant win for trying LOL. Thanks for everyones advice =)

Oh, someone suggested AL-ANON as a support group. Are they just for people who have been around alcoholics, or other dependencies as well? Thanks

Actually, getting off of her Facebook is really, really easy. Go to her profile page and BLOCK her. That way, you would have to make a conscious decision to unblock her if you wanted to see her "stuff" on there. Your kids are not old enough to be on Facebook, so they have no idea if you and the WW are friends on there. It's time to stop the FB junk.

Some of the best growth comes through painful times such as these. I know all the heartache I went through showed me the capacity I had for love and forgiveness, but that took some time. I had to grow into it.

It also magnified my weak areas which made it easy to see where I needed work. We're always evolving, always changing, hopefully for the better.

What is it about you that you don't like?

Almost forgot the books....The one I mentioned above is really, really good. Especially if you ever want to have another relationship in the future. I'd like to have the relationship in that book with a partner, tied in with the MB stuff.

Another good one is You can Feel Good Again, by Richard Carlson. It helps you release unhappiness and negativity by just thinking about things differently.

Those books (I have others too) were very helpful, but honestly, the thing that has made me feel the best inside is when I choose to love those around me, especially when I'm down, because it makes me feel loving, and I experience love in return.

Sometimes I wish so badly that I would have been in the place that I am in now at the beginning of Dday. I believe my life would have turned out differently, but I can't change that no more than my husband could take back his infidelities. I was where I was, and I can accept that.

Thank you Journey for all the support.

I will definitely check into those books!

As for what I dont like about me? Well, thats really complicated. I for the most part really like me. I guess this whole situation has got me thinking and overreacting to things. I think about the "why" did this happen a lot? The truth is a year later, I still dont understand any of this and it drives me nuts? Was it the drugs? Was I "neglecting" her feelings like she says? Was it hormonal? Is he just better for her? All these thoughts have run through my head and more. I guess it comes down to, "if I was such a great guy, that I thought I was, then why did this happen?

Its funny, I did everything I thought I could to show her nothing but love, that my heart was hers, that I was a great dad, and took care of my responsibilities. I let her sleep in, did the laundry,the cooking, and tried to be the best guy I could. I was affectionate, and I really did make her and the kids my world. It wasnt enough, and that destroyed me. I have been working on moving past that, but I get mad because I still let her control my emotions. I let her walk on me at times, and I can't stick up for myself enough to her. I don't like the fact that I am afraid of her. It's scary to me.

I dont like me because I feel so lost, and have let myself become sad, and allowed for her to make me feel this way. Now I am looking for a way out. I know I have a lot of things that I feel I need to fix! Anyways, enough of this tirade LOL . Thanks again

AZDAD

In my non-expert opinion, I feel sometimes it's just a matter of familiarity and difference sometimes, and you don't have to be flawed in order to be cheated on. In my husband's eyes, I became an awful person AFTER the affair started. Prior to then, I remember he was pretty happy with me. I suspect the hate and blame from the cheaters starts after the affairs begin for a lot of people on this site.

So why cheat on a "good" spouse? Boredom. I was once exciting and new. Unattainable in some ways, different, fresh. I became like the furniture due to 14 years exposure. Nothing new about the same couch you've been sitting on for 14 years. The OW was new, fresh. She will be old furniture too one day.

I feel like you AZDAD. But people on this site remind me that you can still be a great person, even if the one who vowed to love, honor and remain faithful to says otherwise.