I'm currently well into the waiting period for divorce, and through the temporary custody and child support hearings as well.

I worked the MB program as well as I could, and exposure was the deal-breaker for her. Please don't read that as an excuse for skipping exposure. I didn't go atomic when I should have, and without the exposure, and her reaction to it, she'd still be a fence-sitting, cake-eating, blame-shifting liar. Instead, she's just a liar, and I don't have to hear the lies.

I didn't want the divorce and refused to counter sue. Last week she said she wanted to maybe delay, or maybe even call the divorce off. I asked her what had changed and she said nothing.

I told her I wasn't interested.

I wrestled with myself over that for the rest of the evening, and I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with how I now feel. Is this normal?

I fought so hard, endured so much - how can I be at a place where I can just say "Not interested"? I'm at the point of looking forward to this whole ordeal being over.

I'm concerned that I'm looking at a short-term win and maybe not seeing the long-term possibilities. Anyone else been here?

Hi,

I am not where you are yet in the process. He got some stuff together but has not supplied all the necessary form to his attorney yet but I am as confused as you. I'm not anywhere near considered an expert here either.

He has never waivered in his request for a divorce but I waiver in my thoughts regularly. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. I sometimes think that all I have done is damaged the ability of us to ever be good co-parents. I know right now that if he were to accept all the requirements to come back I would jump at the chance but part of me thinks that it would be too much for me to get him to meet all of the requirements.

I read your post and I think that what you are going through is completely normal but I would seriously consider your options. Is she someone that you would be willing to work extremely hard with to save your marriage? If there is any hope left in you then I would try the recovery process. Is she even willing to work at this with you or does she just want to come back to things as usual? You should really read between the lines and then make the decision that is right for you.

Good Luck!

soblue,

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm thinking I may have stayed in Plan A too long. The massive $LB withdrawals during our custody hearing were unexpected, and have completely destroyed any remaining love I'd stored up.

The problem for me is that I have to make the decision that is right for my children as well. I guess I owe it to them to at least figure out what it would take at this point, and give her a list - a delayed Plan B letter I suppose.

Re-reading my original post is enough for me to understand why I'm not interested in reconciling at this point.

This Plan B stuff is GOOD for the BS. I'm in such a better place physically, emotionally and spiritually now. I'm glad I have the old post to be able to go back to for support.

Zim, her reply to you was reason enough for you to say "not interested." After all, what did she do or say to suggest she was interested in recovery?

Her behavior strikes me like so many other cake-eating WS, who want both sides of their bread buttered. Perhaps her relationship with OM is fading/falling apart. Maybe she just wants to cover all the bases, and keep you in the wings "just in case."

In any event, she gave you no motivation to want to reverse course. So I'm with you. And I agree 100% -- No Contact (Plan B) is the best for the BS no matter what the outcome of the marriage!

Thanks, Fred.

Isn't this how Plan B is supposed to work? The lack of contact is to allow the BS to heal, while avoiding any LBs that would drain what little is left in the love bank, no? It also forces the WS to get all of their ENs met by the OP. I get all of that, and now it feels like maybe I'm somehow at fault now for either staying in Plan A too long or for no longer wanting to reconcile - like I'm not holding up my end of the Plan B.

Sound a bit naive? It does to me too. It's just that I vowed forever, and I don't take that lightly, even now. I also have two children that I love dearly, and the thought of them having a split home breaks my heart. We currently have shared 50/50 custody, for which I'm grateful. That still means I only get to see them half of what I used to.

The thing is, I don't trust her motivation at all - in fact there's no trust there whatsoever.

You might call me conflicted. I'm thinking of calling the radio show to discuss.

There's another thread on this board, How do you know when it's time to move on?. Zim, this site isn't about "Marriage at all costs," it's about Marriage Builders.

I'm one of those who had some very experienced veterans on this board ask me "why do you want to keep this marriage, anyway?" To be honest, I hadn't asked myself that question. And they made me look at this. I came to the realization that I would be better off NOT staying married to my WxW.

Today, a little over a year later, I'm in a much better place. I'm still healing. But that's the key: I'm healing.

Zim,

I just read your story and I have to say I think you have a lot of sound advice there, I know you my question your decision but I don't think you've got an option.

What I don't want you to forget is

1 You didn't go to northern MI to start and A
2 You didn't get a AM account
3 You didn't get a E-harmony account
4 You didn't snatch the kids out the house and then put a restraining order on your W
5 AND MOST OF ALL YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO BROKE YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS

I am confident that in the future when you reflect back on this period you will know that you may have made some mistakes but that you did everything in your power to save your marriage


OK now on to the good stuff

I forget all the posts now but PSUBKR and Mr Wondering, had spot on advice

1 You are in the fight of your life
2 She will not fight fair
3 He with the most paper wins
4 Your lawyer will never fight like you can, he has to have ammo and your the only one who can give it to him
5 That advice about the WAR CHEST is critical ( I have about a 2 inch stack of E-mail and other stuff off the computer,video and pictures )
6 JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL, every detail of your care for the kids, when the WW is late taking them to school events you have with the kids, write all the detail you can, you'll figure out what you can use later.
7.Although your WW's behavior has little to do in court a pattern of A's and inappropriate conduct will help you. A friend of mine , kids around your age, WW was so bad ( out partying coming home drunk ect.) that the judge gave him primary custody, and no alimony to her. My friends lawyer is a pit bull..... you'll need one of those.

I was glad to her that your WW had a job.... what happened to it????????????????, all of that matters if she proves she is this wonderful stay at home mom, sacrificing her career for her children and you to provide a loving home, the judge is going to make you pay

What sucks about that is every dime you have to give her is one less dime you'll have that you can bless you kids with. She has proven who she is, you just need to be able to show that to the judge in away that he has no choice but to give her nothing and you the custody you deserve.

Last, no matter what happens the WW will always be the mother of your children. your kids will love her(as they should) leaving them out of it is the only way to go. You be the best dad you can be, that will resonate with the judge and with your kids as well.

Zim,

Have you thought about what you need in a relationship? Can she/will she provide that for you? Can you accept her as she is, if she's working on improving the relationship?

What is she willing to bring to the table? Anything?

If you don't want to reconcile at all, plan B and D is best.

If you do want to consider reconciliation, put what you want out there and see how she responds. That should let you know if there's anything to build on.

Her job was a temporary grant-driven position that lasted for the school year. She was able to get pretty much the same position for this year as well.

The custody arrangements are already in place and signed off on by the judge. 50/50 alternating weeks.

We've also gotten the child support decision, but she's going to be challenging the award.

She was fighting hard for me to get the standard every-other weekend and one visit mid-week. It ended up being her adultery that hurt her the most in the hearing. It did not help her case at all to have dragged our children across state lines in order to facilitate her affair. The judge called it very disruptive to the children's lives. I can only assume her leaving the marital home without the children also weighed heavily in my favor.

I can't help but wonder what your WW's motivation is to reconcile. Without her giving much in the way of "why", I'd be inclined to wonder if she just doesn't like the way things turned out and wants to do what's "easy" for her.

I think she realizes she screwed up, it's affecting her in ways she realizing now, and she's trying to avoid the consequences she's brought on herself. I smell a rat.

I took my WW out to dinner to try to get a feeling for what it is she's wanting, and to see if there is any substance behind her words.

All I got were really vague notions of family and future - nothing at all about us, even when I pressed. It's because she's still seeing the OM - she did at least confirm that for me.

She ended up walking out on me because I wouldn't let her tell me how I was feeling. She kept telling my why I did things - that the exposure was motivated purely by anger with the intent to humiliate and belittle her. When I replied that I exposed to end the affair and save our marriage, she said I was calling her a liar. Maybe I should have agreed with her. Still deep in the fog.

Anyway - it's still her choice. She can call off the divorce. Without a counter-complaint, there is nothing I can do about that.

I am curious to know if the OM knows she went out with her husband and has been talking reconciliation. Have I become the OM now?

Sounds like things may be going south with the OM and she's looking for a backup plan, especially since she's being so vague about your relationship.



*cringe* I use to tell my husband what he was thinking. I used the excuse that he wouldn't open up to me. /sigh.

Then again, my husband didn't really understand me either.

One day, when/if your wife gets over herself, she may be able to see that you actually were trying to save your marriage, and not being a vindictive jerk. I've heard FWSs come back later and can see tht now, and even can appreciate now what the BS did to save the marriage.

Some never come out of that foggy mindset though. They're still full of anger and resentment over the relationship.....and not in a forgiving, building mindset.

Just coming into this thread...
If nothing has changed, you can expect the same results. I would not consider reconciliation without major changes, and then I'd be super cautious. They're good at lying to us.

Thanks kaycstamper.

Nothing has changed - she seems more entrenched in the fog now then immediately after D day.

She actually wants me to pursue/court her while admitting to still seeing OM. Leaving him will have to be "a process". I have no idea what that means, nor do I want to know.

Time to go back to plan B. The end is in sight.

Man o man. A process? Waytards are so tarded!

Since I'm a huge fan of quotes, I'll give ya this one Zim.

"The night is darkest just before the dawn."

Good luck, and Godspeed.

Ya.