I am a 36 yr old disabled male. I have been married 12 years and have 2 wonderful children (age 4 and 8).

first let me say i have not been the best husband lately. i haven't shown my wife as much care and effection as i used to in the past. i have also spent far to much time on my computer playing games.

I am the stay at home parent. i take care of the kids and do the cleaning while she works. when she gets home from work i want to let her handle the kids and cook.

i screwed up and not picking up the slack and makeing us a team and not ignoreing them at night.

well about 8-10-10 my wife got a phone call and ran upstairs. we were in the middle of a conversation about my daughters gymnastics (she is 8) so i wondered WTF was going on. i started upstairs when i hear her giggling and talking. she is in my sons room talking to the guy. i ask who she is talking to she said nobody. i said if it was nobody hang up. so i asked her again. she said a friend from work..i asked again who. finally she said "david". i went downstairs.

about 15 minutes latter (she is still talking to him) i go up and tell her to hang up we need to talk. she does and i asked her what was going on. she said nothing he is just a friend. i told her i had a bad feeling about him and i don't want her talking to him.

we argued and finnaly she said they are friends thats it..but he wants more and she IS NOT sure if she does. we talk some more and she promises to only talk on the phone. no sex and no seeing him in person.

about 2 weeks latter she said she is going out with him for a date. of course i was pissed but well really nothing i could do (i should mention this was THE DAY BEFORE MY SONS 4th BIRTHDAY!)

we talked and she said ok she won't go see him. she was going to a friends to talk about it and would call me. about 9:30 i get a txt from her saying don't wait up she won't be home..

The next morning (my sons Birthday...) she walk sin like at 10. I just said well? she smilled and said yes she had sex with him and walked off.

I begged her to go to Marriage counceling. she refused. I begged her to stop seeing "david" she refused.

she was telling her friends what was going on. they all started to talk with each other (my WW has issues with telling the truth..she is very manipulative) and found out they each got a different story and stopped talking to her.

Well on 9-03-10 me and my wife got into a argument. it exculated to where she beat the crap out of me (not the first time..but damn well the last). She was taken away by the county cops.

Even after all this i was still wanting to try to Reconcile and work on saving the marriage.

she filled for divorce on 9-13

she is refusing to go No Contact with "david" and has even taken the children around him. Both kids know what/who he is. they have said he is momma's boyfriend and that I am not anymore.

we have gone to court a few times. i have custody and she has visitation 1 day a week and every other weekend.

she does not pay child support (she quit her job right before teh Affair came out) or spousel support and is going back to college.

we talk a lot. during the week she says she wants to work on it and we do great. then friday night comes around (the time "david" is off) and then she turns into a [censored] from hell.

i want to save the marriage but know with her refusing to go no contact, refusing to go to counciling (she was committed for depression once. she does not want to be put back on medication) and the lies i don't think its possible.

sigh just wanting to vent and talk to others. so thanks for reading that long thing..hehe.

Welcome to MB, dd.

Are you divorcing her, or are you hoping to save the marriage? You say that you talk to her during the week and "she says she wants to work on it and we do great", so does that mean you would like to recover the marriage?

I want to save the marriage. But since she refuses to go no contact with the OM i can't see staying and hopeing when there is no chance.

sunday-thursday we talk a lot and even spend a lot of time together. we talk a lot about trying to fix it but takeing it really slow. we get along great and even enjoy the time we have together. but come friday night (the OM works 3rd shift and only off friday and sat nights) she changes and we usually argue.

I think that you would get help with Dr H's strategy if you move this post to the forum Surviving an Affair.

You're in rather a muddled position now. You're partly doing Plan A but also divorcing. However, I think that you have done well to get a good custody arrangement and to stay in the house. Men often lose out in court over those things. You shouldn't take her back if you put these arrangements at risk, should she go back to OM.

Plan B might be in order at some time to kick her off the fence. However, I'm no expert, and perhaps it is a good idea for you to stay in Plan A for now. Dr Harley recommends 6 months or longer of Plan A for men.

If you want more feedback on your position, please click "notify" and ask a moderator to move your thread to SaA.

Ddaddy,

Welcome aboard,

I know you've got a full plate, and a long road to recovery ahead of you. I'm not about to say that it can't be done but I dare say it will be the hardest thing you've ever done.

1st I would ask the moderator to move your thread over to the surviving an affair forum, it will got alot more activity there and is a better place to be as you work thru trying to save your marriage.

2nd There is a wealth of information on this site to help you get a plan of attack I'm sure some of the vets on the site will chime in soon on those links to help you,

3rd You need to get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley it's a great book and all the principles that marriage builders is built on are in it.

4th There are a series of steps you need to do and they are outlined in the book and on the web site, Learn what Plan-A is and Plan-B, learn what that plan is because if you go off half cocked you will waste your effort.

5th As you try to save your marriage one of the first steps will be to expose the affair and the OM, that has to be planned and executed with precision and completely, my advise is as you prepare for that is to plan well and not rush it till your ready. You should be able to get the plan ready by the end of the week, not next month, the sooner you do it the better. Don't think that this step isn't necessary in your case, IT IS .... YOU CAN NOT AVOID IT

You're behind right now and have alot of educating you need to do so your not walking around blind, so get reading AND get a plan.....

Once you understand the nature of affairs and what it takes to brake them up, you will feel better because you will have a plan of action and as you work that plan it will help you to know you are doing everything in your power to save your marriage.

In the end no matter what you will know in your heart you did everything you could to save it.

We're Here You hang in there!!!!!!

SC

Expose this affair to WW's parents and siblings.

Then expose this affair at work. Send a letter to the CEO, Director of HR, and the Board of Directors.

Then expose OMW, if not find out if he has a GF then tell her, OM parents.

divorce was done today.

when we were in court she lied through her teeth. i didn't think anything of it because well i thought the judge seen trhoguh it.

her big reason for wanting custody (even though i have been primary caregiver for all ther elives) was because i am on disiblity.

and the fricken idiotic judge agreed with it. I have taken care of the kids EVERY DAY for all of there lives 24 hours a day. my wife slept all day so she couldn't and then worked all night.

but does that matter? nope. the judge said he had concerns that i won't be able to take care of them. he even admited that yes i have done it but now its diffrent.

My wife is also going through a abuse charge. There ain't one against the kids because i have always stepped in. now? [censored] i have to wait for her to screw up (wich she will..i just hope she does not hurt the kids whne it happens).


i have to say im in [censored] shock. I am the one takeing care of the kids. i am the one who has been there when they are hurt, scared or needed a diaper changed. i made them lunch and got them ready for the buss.

oh and to top it off? guess who has to pay child supprt? something she hasn't done for the 4 months i have had the kids without her around.

yeah i do. im on SSDI and because of that i lose t he kids and gotta pay child support.

really. [censored] my life.

Hey DD,

I'm really sorry to hear things didn't go so well for you today. I know it sux. The only advice I can give you is to try to let go of your resistance to this outcome, while continuing to keep track to make sure she's taking care of the kids. I know what it feels like to be devastated, and still have to be there, and be strong, for your kids.

And don't worry, those kids will KNOW who is taking care of them, and they will never forget that. I was told this a long time when my kids were little, and I always wondered if that was true. It has definitely proven to be true in my situation. My kids cannot stand my ex, and that's sad, but true.

I find meditating every morning helpful to get rid of stuff that feels negative. It might help if you want to try that.

oh i plan on keeping track and making sure she is taking care of them. just worried because she has a history of violence.

Everyone that knows us both is in shock that she would get custody. but also everyone says just give it a month and she will turn them over to me or be in jail for hurting one (which is what scares me).

It's just frustrating that she can lie in court. That i am the one that been the one to take care of them all their lives. yet now she and the court have a issue because i am disabled? really?

i'm not loseing the kids because im a bad parent. im not loseing the kids because i haven't taken care of them. THE only reason i am loseing custody is because i have a disbality.

Did you have a lawyer?

DDaddy --
So sorry for the judge's decision. Your WWs colors will show through soon enough. Remember to document each and every time she fails to follow through on her responsibilities with the kids. Have someone else do the same as a witness. Perhaps you can get the order changed. Your kids are young -- and WW needs to keep this up until they are 18. Lots of time for her to slip. You - DDaddy -- do the BEST job you can being a father to your kids. Teach them right from wrong. You be the consistent parent -- the one they rely on.

You are in my prayers, too.

How are you doing today DD?

Yeah i had a attorney. i thought a really good one. He caught my wife in a few lies on the stand, he caught and got my sister-in-law to admit that she was just saying what my wife told her to say. just amazing it happened.

I'm doing OK today. still mad but getting over it since it solves nothing.

Me and my wife did out "parenting agreement" that list visitation. This is what SHE offered.

My days during the school year are:
tuesday 4-8 (they get here from school at 4 and go to bed at 8:30)
Thursday from 4pm-11:30 Friday.
Every other weekend from Friday after school till Monday morning.
Every other Wednesday from 4-8
EVERY school institute day (about 1 a month)

I also will be the daycare for when she is working. granted right now its only 4 hours a day but she is thinking of going back to full time work (only reason she quit is so i wouldn't get alimony). which i will have them while she is working +my time above

in the summer its going to be 4 days with me then 4 days with her.

So if she was so worried about me being able to take of them why is she offering me so much damn time?

Is it possible to document how often you take care of the kids over the next few months, and then ask for a modification on the child support?

My attorney thinks if we document all the times she calls asking for me to take care of the kids due to her having to do homework, she is tired, or any other BS excuse depending on how often she does it i will have custody back within the year.


edit: oh great. i let her take the kids for breakfast because her father was in town. finally at 1pm i txted her and asked when she was bringing them back. she has her boyfriend (she claims just a friend heh) bring them over! WTF.

my daughter is confused and crying because her aunt told her he is going to be her dad someday.

Great to know!



Document this B.S. too, AND take your daughter to a counselor, so that she can heal, and you have an expert to document and back you up as well. The kids have to be protected.

Can you have your attorney do something about the kids having to be around the strangers your wife is throwing in their lives?

This is serious. These strangers could go through your wife to get to your daughter. There are a lot of sick people in this world, and your wife doesn't sound stable and mature enough to protect them from this obviously with what she did today.

You would be wise to get her to counseling and ask the counselor help you to teach her about how to handle the strangers if you can't be with her 24/7.

How old is your daughter?

I don't mean to scare you. I just want you to be aware.

trust me i thought about that. She refuses to give me his last name. though she was not to smart and put him on the family's circle calling so i have his number.

i have done searches on it but it won't come up.

i asked my attorney about it and he said nothing we can do. I am getting my daughter a basic cell phone so she can call me to talk whenever she wants. my wife has a violent temper and while she has hit me i am scared about the kids. My wife won't allow my daughter to walk off with the phone and it has to be on speakerphone when she talks to me.

I think if it were me, I'd get another attorney. I've seen where attorney's have been able to help in this regard. Keep a binder with all the history so far, and keep documenting until you find an attorney that will help you. Don't give up, because if you do, it's possible one day something bad could happen and you don't want any holes to prove that one bad thing was just an isolated incident. You're the only one that can protect them.

For a small fee, you can get the owner's name of that number, either through a P.I., or online.

I really feel sorry for you. I know it really hurts to be cheated by someone especially your spouse; the person whom you expect the most to protect your feelings from getting hurt. Sad to say but this is one of the common situations that usually contributes to the increasing divorce rate.