Yes, more or less my own WH words as well.
Your WH works with OW and till that is the case the A will always be in his mind because of continued contact with OW. And if they do not plan to go and live together, the "engagement" (yes they act life boy friend and girlfriend in their teens) can go on for quite a while.
Keep your chin high and your dignity. Good on the exposure!!!!
Tell everyone you care about or you think might influence the A and end it...
But keep in mind you are the most important thing!
blessing

I'm hispanic and speak Spanish fluently, but my writing sucks. I basically write Spanish at a second grade level in terms of spelling, but here goes:

"Senora, su hija tiene una relacion sexual con my marido. Le pido a usted que me allude a terminar esta relacion pecadora y precionne a su hija que no vea a mi marido mas.

Tengo una hija de cinco anos y yo quiero salvar mi matrimonio. El contacto con su hija tiene que terminar immediatamenta y le pido su alluda. Perdone que yo le traigo estas malas noticias, pero no se que mas puedo hacer para terminar esta relacion.

Esto es up pecado grande y le pido que me allude, por favor.

Yo no hablo espanol y tuve que encontrar alluda de un amigo para traducir mi mensaje para usted.

Le puedo dar prueba de la relacion si usted quiere."

I'm sure it's full of spelling errors, but it will get the message across.

Hope it helps.

Just so you know, I appealed to her Catholicism (I'm making an assumption, since 90% of hispanics are Catholic) by stating that you seek her help to end this sinful relationship with your husband and need her help to do so.

I said it again, towards the end, since adultery is considered a mortal sin by the church, which basically means that you get an express ticket to hell for committing it regardless of how much you claim you believe in Jesus if you continue to commit the sin.

Not to get into a religious debate here, but saying you belive while committing a grave sin isn't enough to save your skin, by Catholic doctrine.

Again, please, I want to stay on point and not start a religious debate. That is Catholic doctrine and this woman's mother is likely Catholic, so that's why I mention it.

It would also be very effective. I picture my mother getting a letter like this and the butt chewing we would get would be monumental, regardless of our age. If my mom got a letter like this, I'm sure there would be some slaps involved as well while she yelled at me.

Doubly so for a daughter, who is expected to behave more so than a man. Again, not wanting to debate. That's just how things are in the mores of the group.

Nice detail added HTLD. I am catholic, as is my WH AND OW. Sickening to say the least.... you would think she would be trying to NOT commit a grave sin if her family is so "dedicated to the catholic way of life."

Thanks for that. I do can read a little spanish - about your grade level and I understood most of it. I was able to fix the misspellings - very helpful!

I may have to do a 2nd letter to mother so this will be helpful. I'm not even sure she is at OW's house but even if not, OW is getting my letters.

Thanks for all your help. I don't know how I'd be going through all of this without this forum.

Be strong. Keep coming for advice. We're here 24/7 (more or less).

Fuzzy, if it helps, you can google 'spanish to english translation' and get dialogue boxes to type in that will automatically convert the language.

Tough night. H took DD4 to MIL's where he's staying for the night. She'll be happy to see Grandma and Grandpa but I miss my bedtime routine with her after just one night. It hit me that I'll miss half of her goodnights forever.

We have a nice little routine - I tuck her in, we say the Lord's prayer, and I sing to her. She loves Blackbird and Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Then I kiss her, hug her and tell her that I love her and that she's my best girl.

This sucks. I never want to keep my daughter from my H but I feel like this is just one more consequence that isn't my fault that me and his daughter have to face. It makes me so angry.

Meeting atty tomorrow to make sure I'm protecting DD4 from exposure to the OW. That's priority #1.

In good news, I've lost 15 lbs since October. See - affairs aren't all bad!

Fuzzy, they totally lose their minds and you can tell that is the case when you see their behaviour with the kids.
OK, they cheated on us and that is really bad, but what do the kids have to do with that? WHy avoid them too?
It is like their brain is totally taken by the A and OW. Nothing else counts.
This is seen time and time again and this detachment from the kids happens with both WH and WW....
You would think a woman would have it in her to stay closer to her kids....but once they become wayward everything changes.....
Again your WH is just textbook stuff. My WH saw my son for 3 hours during xmas after not seeing him for 6 months....so in 15 days my son was visiting from the states...WH only had 3 hours to spare to see him. ANd you know what he talked about with my son? How terrible OW's XH is!!!
Wow
Blessing
blesssing

Met with attorney today. He suggests we go for legal separation - I can convert it to a D if needed. My DD4 would be protected from H bringing OW around her now. Nothing I can do if it turns into an affairage.

In Plan B now but haven't made any official arrangements for handling custody. Separation would spell it all out and make it clear. H seems to think he'll get 50/50 custody but atty said no way. At least not now while he's so unstable & I represent stability.

H is staying with ILs now. Obviously sees OW at work and probably after. Said he would call Steve Hartley. Not sure that has happened yet.

Does Legal Sep just rachet it up a notch? I don't want D but if A doesn't end, that's where I'll be. Want to protect me and DD4 most of all so I think this is how I will proceed - maybe just not right away. Or am I giving H time to plan/conspire? I still think he's firmly indecisive.

I just exposed so part of me thinks doing this now will cause H to just explode - or maybe that's a good thing? Worry that all this will cause him to run to her willing arms and he'll make a choice I don't want. Thoughts?

Read up on some other threads to see what happens after exposure.

You'll get lots of anger thrown your way, but nothing works better for killing affairs.

Did you expose to OW's mom?

Here's my update after exposure:

H's family - silent. No one has contacted me. No one wants to know anything. Afraid I'll subpoena them all!
H's work - no contact. Really disappointed.
OW's Mom - left letter but not sure she received anything.

Saw H this morning. He came to pick up DD and made some snarky comments. Wasn't going to talk to him but I just can't resist a confrontation. (my bad) He was mad that I told DD that he had left house and why - that he though he might love OW and might want to live with her.

Then as he was leaving, he said to me that he loved me, missed me and thought I looked pretty (first time in long time he's said that). But he said some of things I'm doing are making it impossible for him to ever come home.

I said like what? He didn't want to talk but I pushed (I need to learn to back down, seriously). I asked about email to his boss - he said that it made me look vindictive that even his boss thought so. That he could lose his job. He said "how can I do that to our DD?" Then he said that this is one reason (my so-called vindictiveness I guess) that made him stray.

I quickly retorted that it wasn't I who was carrying on an affair during work hours, using work phone & computer. I merely told people about it. I told him I was sorry he was angry but that I would do it again if it ended his affair. I repeated that I love him, want him home, that I want to work on our marriage but I can't do so while he is with OW.

Unfortunately, my DD witnessed this exchange. I am not proud - she's never seen us argue as we don't usually argue.

I tried not to let it all get to me. I know I did the right thing but I'm just not sure he ever will.

What my H said about his boss bugs me, though. He's known about the relationship and has sat by. I feel like I should talk to him b/c I'm not getting the whole picture but then I think that it doesn't matter - he has his head up his rear end if he's allowed this to continue.

Does this all sound typical?

Did you expose to Human Resources and another key VP?

Did you expose to more than one person? And did you 'cc' those people on your letter so the boss knows that other key people know?

Immediate supervisors can have a certain loyalty to their employees. (Crazy, I know, since an A is something that puts their employer at a significant liability.) Some bosses will ignore or minimize an A because they don't see it causing a problem in the workplace and because they like the adulterers. They consider them 'friends.'

It doesn't add up: the boss has a don't care attitude, but WH could lose his job? Boss must care, if the job is in jeopardy.

H is pretty high up. Only one person above. H & boss are very close. Was hoping boss would be one to get him to reconsider. But seems like they're all on same team now - Boss, H & OW. Oh joy.

I have no doubt he lied about the boss' reaction, but it also is not uncommon for a direct supervisor to throw away such a complaint. I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN. This is why it is so critical to expose to 3 people and use cc's. This way, no one gives into the temptation to toss the letter.

FM, I would make plans to go into Plan B as soon as possible. Have you started working on your letter yet?

CWMI - Good point. Without giving away too much, H works in public sector job. Boss doesn't care but must have to involve others to CYA in case I go to them. I had no intention - it would go really public.

Letter is done - H is talking to Steve H on Monday and plan on giving it to him after I confer w/Steve.

Good job! FM, do you have an intermediary and do you have a plan to keep him out completely? What about child exchanges? What about changing the locks?