Every body has heard the quote, "Living well is the best Revenge"

Its interesting that seeking revenge for revenges sake rarely lines up with living well. I wonder how many angry BSs are able to differentiate the two. How many really are able to rise above the betrayal, and be free of the pain, absolutly disregaurding and avoiding the XWS life as part of thiers.

Harboring the anger, or letting it turn into bittereness that lasts thier whole life, to me is counter-productive to living well.

I will use the example from the movie, "The 40 year old Virgin". Yeah the movies only redeeming quality is the overemphamsis that sex has on relationships outside of marriage, how it is overrated and confused, and it really is raunchy in its humor. But there is one scene where Paul Ruud, who is heartbroken over getting dumped by his GF, meets another girl sharing the same heartbreak and pain, starts to talk about how he was hurt, and she does the same, then they practically rip each others clothes off as they sexually attack each other, while talking about how dispicable thier EXs are.

They say there is an element of truth in every joke, and its clear in this one.

I am commited as I know I should be to completly store any and all baggage from the past realtionships I have experienced. I know that this is healthy whether I get into another seriuos relationship or not. When I can talk about the past without falling into the emotional state of anger and/or depression, that the loss of it or the missing of it can bring, I will be at a good place. This will take time of course, as I process emotion against reason, and reason wins. It also takes time, different for everyone, but I have nothing but time to be at peace with myself, and revenge is not peace.

I was at a church meeting, and the subject was brought up about anger and bitterness towards others. The Pastor asked how could we handle anger towards another who harmed us. My hand shot up, because I wanted to offer my solution I had to adopt since I was a kid, trying to test it also, because I was at the time, angry at the recent loss of my wife, the pain of her affairs, and the senselessness of it all.

I said, "Obedience", he looked at me and I said, "Vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord" .."If you try to administer your own judgement based on your own pain, it will pale to the judgement God will administer to the individual who is guilty of the deed.".."Also you will be trying to do Gods job, the best you can do is avoid them and let God deal with them, you will only hurt yourself" "Its Gods job to exact vengence, don't make the mistake of trying to do his job"

Thats another whole issue I wont go into because it goes deep with me. Suffice it to say I had reason to embrace that scripture as a kid, because the reaction would have been violent, and the consquences would have been to big. Im not giving a sermon, so back to the point.

Having peace with yourself, putting the painful past behind, and connecting to others with a different filter takes time. Many here know the difference between hysterical bonding and making love. If you have experienced this you know what I mean when sex is proving your loved, or making love is accepting love. One is futile and somewhat empty full of comparison and self-doubt, the other is tender and searching to connect on a spiritual level. The former lacking the confidance that love exists allready and the latter truly sure that your loved. I beleive that when someone is experiencing all that love is meant to be sex is not even important as a priority. Romantic love is what makes sex great, not the other way around.

But here is where many people harbor resentmant from the past, and look for others to help them fix thier past, sometimes getting even if still some small way that is buried in thier hearts. I know this is no surprise for many of us that this happens. It is part of recovery that takes time to process, and I have felt it also. There is a desparate need to fix the past with someone in the now. Whenever it has happened to me I later have felt less in control, ashamed and less fufilled. Sex just to please yourself is not making love.

Why all the talk about sex if love is more needed and the priority? That place is sacred to a marriage, also it is the one focused on when we are betrayed. That is why to those who have been in love and been betrayed it is so painful, because you have been ripped apart, and also spurs the drive to repair it, and ourselves, sometimes looking for love for all the wrong reasons.

If loving yourself, and caring for yourself, is the precursor to being able to do the same for someone else and knowing, not hoping, they love you also, revenge is not part of that. Revenge comes from the past that we have not gotten over yet. We are bringing it into the present with something to prove out of fear we are not worthy. As sure as I am sittng here, past relationships, triggers and fears will come up at some time in future ones. We must have a good handle on life and happiness before we try again, and know it is brand new, with someone else, and not let our past pain seep into our new relationship.

I just don't see how revenge fits into that, except that maybe in ten years from now, if we dont recover, it raises its ugly head when our old spouse is suffering, and for a moment we say, "good, they deserve it". I don't enjoy knowing my first wife has suffered, or that my second wife got what she fought for, the right to be free and kill herself with drugs, those emotions make me think less of myself.

To those who do recover, I suspect they also will put these temptations behind, as they remind them of awful times, and don't help in restoring love.

To those in the middle, who are freshly trying to rebuild thier life in the aftermath of betrayal, whether in plan B or recovery, please take care of you first, and seek peace and understanding, without compromise of what marriage is supposed to be for you. I assure you no matter what life will improve, as you take care of you, and understand that that is the key, the vows are for you, to help you love as God loves you, and you can righteously expect that in return, holding them accoutable.

But its about you first, allways, and your peace.

God Bless

Reading this over I reflected on the relationships I have had, and realized I was allways uptight and trying to prove something to myself at some level in them.

It makes me realize that if I am ever ready again, I can fall in love again also, but this time, it will be different because I will be ready to commit my heart without desparate distractions.

Its just a glimpse mind you, but hey thats all I need to continue alone, is to know I am worth it, and able.

Still have much to do outside of having a relationship, lol, I am nowhere near ready, or seeking.

Life is good.