Thanks again. Its nice to know others share the feelings I have to an extent. I know I can still be a great person, its just sorting through the crap. I kind of got left for the "bad boy" guy. He is the out of work, rugged type. He is nice to me when I pick up the kids, and I really, in all weirdness, don't dislike the guy. Probably because I know he will have to go through this someday, and I feel not bad, but , well I don't know what.

Her excuses for leaving were that I neglected her, or didn't pay her nay attention, which I find kind of funny. I think moving forward in my life I am going to be wondering that no matter how much attention, affection, etc. that I give, am I neglecting my partner? She said, "she didnt need me to wait on her hand and foot, she could get a butler to do that"! Maybe thats how she felt, or maybe she was using at the time, but either way, it came as a shock to me.

So, I have decided to give up E Harmony, trying to find a date, and looking for my Ms. Right, at least for now. I am finding that looking for someone to love me can consume me, and mentally I am probably very far from being available. I know I am a bit more chipper the past few days, and hope it continues, but undoubtedly my ex will come out of the blue with another reason she hates me LOL. Oh well. Hope you all have a great weekend =)

You need to be in plan b for ever with your ex wife, dr harley agrees with this, every time you come I n contact with your wife triggers you and you will never heal from her abuse. You will be back here every year for the same issue...when all you have to do is..

Plan B her for the rest of ur life
Find an Im to take the kids so ur not there to see her if there is any issues regarding the kids she goes to the I'm.

Staying friends is the worst plan you can make...and oh about being friends for the kids?? She is the one that left this was not mutual if it was then yes be her friend...but she left..and STOP PRETENDING!!

Ah yes, I've done this a billion times. One of the hardest things for me was knowing that I'd probably never get the truth on some of the things I was "accused" of. After all, the WSs will villianize the BS to justify their waywardness, so it's hard to tell just exactly where "we" went wrong.

However, I don't use their waywardness as an excuse not to look within myself and look for the places I was wrong. And like I said before, those things were so hurtful to me because I added to my own pain that I was suffering from. I believe that is where the personal growth comes in.



I understand the fear, I had it too. My WS was good at threats and anger, and I walked on egg shells. (Edited to add: I did the anger and threat thing too. I shudder when I think of all the mistakes we made while hurt and confused.) When I finally started enforcing my boundaries, I knew things would fall apart. The marriage did, but I feel better knowing I stood up for myself in not wanting my husband to have connections with other women that didn't include me. We weren't in a place of connectedness and trust to have me feeling comfortable with that.

Courage is not doing things without fear, it's doing things in spite of the fear.

It is very difficult to not allow yourself to feel bad about yourself because of the WSs choices. But this we must do. I have to give myself a swift kick in the pants when I start letting him define me. Why on earth should I allow a WS to define me? Are they better than me? No. I will take my cue from God, and my family and friends, thank you very much.

I've spent years letting those destructive thoughts effect me emotionally, and every other way. Byron Katie's book, I Need Your Love, Is That True? was a pretty helpful book in helping me to see things differently. However, it can be a bit frustrating because if you can't ask a person for the truth, you're still only guessing on "is this completely true?'. Regardless, it's still helpful on turning thoughts around.

I truly believe that the further we get away from the crazy making, the more clarity I get on where "I" went wrong and what's mine. The rest, I don't have to worry about.

Peace brother.

Amen MJ!

The flip side of this is almost the definition of waywardness - the inability to look within one's self and see the wrongs.


Spot-on. AZ, tell me this resonates with you - I know it does me. I've not seen it put so simply and yet so powerfully. This is where I've been, and just seeing it written like this is so freeing. Thank you MJ!

As to the dating, I agree with you waiting. Seems there are several ratios of married years to recovery months floating around the site. There's a good reason for these. You're wounded, and while in that state, you'll be more likely to attract a women who will take advantage of that.

Heal from this wound, recover personally, and become strong. Then, when you are ready to start dating, the type of woman you'll attract will be of a much different and healthy persuasion.

Amen Zim! And might I add it's more than seeing the wrongs, they would actually have to change something about themselves, and we know how hard it can be to do that.




So glad I could give you something that helps Zim. I'd hate to think I've gone through this pain and not learn anything from it. I've always loved it when I found others saying things, that when worded it in such a way, that it brought me some clarity, and healing. And it was usually just a simple truth, like "Be Still". (Thanks Ark.)


I quit asking myself, "I wonder what WS would think about this?". Now, I ask myself, "What would my higher power think about this?". "What would the higher part of me do?".



Agree that this is a definite possibility. There are all kinds of men that would love to take advantage of my vulnerability right now, and I know that. At an event last night, I felt bombarded with that very thing. Thank God my kids were with me to help keep them away. Otherwise, I probably would have left early.

Here's the thing...if you don't take the time to heal and do the personal recovery, you'll not be healthy and you will attract another unhealthy relationship. Your future relationships will be as healthy as you are.

"STOP PRETENDING!!"

This statement resonates with me as well as the not letting her define me statement.

In all honesty, I just want to stop being afraid. I am afraid to stick up for myself. I feel battered. I feel a deep sadness. I feel that whatever I say is the wrong thing, even when my intentions are good. I am always walking on egg shells around her, and I cant even have the slightest disagreement about something that isnt very important anyway without reprecussions.

My friends have told me she is just the meanest person ever, and a master manipulator. Yet, I pretend that isnt true, and continue feeling sorry for myself, afraid, and pretending that she wll finally see that she messed up. It probably wont happen, but I hope. And it sucks, because I know it probably will never happen.

I just want the fear to go away. I want to move forward, but I wonder if the changes I am making are for the better, or just overreactions. I am thinking of a possble career change, even though I dont hate my job. Wondering to myself if that is just a reaction to this year, or if I really need to go back to school.

I am afraid to stop pretending because my life as I knew it, I loved before all of this, and now I dont know what to do. My interests were my family, providing for them, and making sure they knew I loved them every second of my life. Now, I can still do that for my children, and I do, but when they are gone, I have no clue how to organize my life. So I stay home depressed, go to the casino with my dad and become an addict, or feel freaking sorry for myself to friends. Yeah I have great days too, but those other days absolutely make me feel less of a person than how I used to see myself. Its like I lost my purpose, my identity, because now I am looking to be someone who I never was before. Is that "growing" or is that me "dealing" with this and overreacting? I guess I am just having a "day" today too, but I feel like I have these days too often.

So my question is what do you do when you thought you had everything you wanted, and that's been ripped from you, and now you are lost? Sorry if this feels like I am feeling sorry for myself. I just am having a day.

Ok, Azdad, couple of 2x4's coming. First of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Not a good thing to wallow in self-pity, an indulgence that does absolutely nothing for you. Same thing with the woe is me, am I to blame thing you've got going on.

Your ex-wife hates you because that is what she uses to justify making a really big mistake. Why would someone cheat with, and get pregnant by, some loser with a drug problem that lives at home with his parents? That's the question anyone would ask and I can bet you that her parents and friends have been asking. So she has to demonize you, otherwise she comes off looking like a loser herself.

You need to get your act together, find yourself a routine that allows you to take care of your household, your children, and yourself as best you can. Forget about wanting to date anyone because as you have acknowledged, you ain't ready. Got to rebuild yourself and your life before you go looking to bring someone else into it and your main focus right now should be on your children.

What were the terms of your divorce as far as custody and money - please be specific as to days and responsibilities.

Appreciate the 2x4's actually, know I need them. As for custody and support, I dont have to pay spousal maintenence, give up retirement, etc., but I might have to pay child support based on what the judge wants. As for custody, we are following a 2x2x3 plan at this point.

Getting my act together is what I am trying to figure out. I guess that is wherein my confusion lies. My children will always be my number one priority. My issue is what for me after I make sure their well being is taken care of. My life revolves around them. I am having a difficult time finding support groups, and more importantly finding interests. I spent so much time following the same basic routine that my "me time" was not very often. So I am developing a list of things I want to do on a constant schedule. I think for me its all about taking the next step and ACTING. I definetly do my share of the "woe is me", but I really dont know where to begin. I still feel lost. I do appreciate your advice americajin. I was reading on another topic of someone's that they are great at listening to advice, know its great advice, and even if its coming from multiple people they are too headstrong to listen. I think I too get in that mode sometimes, so that's another issue I need to work on LOL =). Also as time goes by my feelings tend to be less about her, and more about me so hopefully that is some kind of growth LOL. Thanks again.

Hi Azdad,



How long have you had this perception of the relationship?



And because you want to move forward, you will.

Just a suggestion...you could write down (or just ponder) your desires in the ways you'd like to improve yourself physically, mentally, spirtually, and emotionally. Make those 4 categories, and write down ways to meet those needs for yourself, and in time, you will be amazed at how much better you feel. I think it was Mel that said to bring the body and the mind will follow. Also, if you don't like long committments, you can do a 30 day trial on just about anything.

I like to think that I'm what is best for myself right now (edited to add: right behind God), and I plan to take care of me. Who can treat you better than your own self Az?





I do understand this, I felt a little lost myself at first. This is also very common after a divorce, especially a long term marriage. However, you are still you. You're still the kids dad, and a friend to others, a relative to your family, etc.

Only the dynamics with the stbx will be different from now own. You know what I find comical? In divorces where there are children, especially underage children, the adults STILL have to "work on the relationship". Edited: Unless you've gone to a permanent plan B, but there's still negotiation in that. I think the wise people are always evolving in a positive way, with integrity, so let's hope our exes do that as we do.

Your routine will definitely change, and that's what I think made me feel the most lost. Now, instead of fearing the strange, you could turn around and face it with interest. Now that you can do things your way, what do you feel like doing? Whatever it is, find a way to go for it. Right now, I'm doing yoga and school. I also plan to teach myself piano, and golf when it warms up. I'm truly happy about this.

This is an important point though Azdad....don't rush around thinking you have to fill the holes somehow, or decide everything thing right now, or know what to even think right now. Just sloooooowwwww down. Breathe when you feel anxious. Take your time when you can. Go to the forest to clear your mind, and get inspired.

You're awesome Journey!!! Today was a bad day for other reasons, but what you said really made me feel better in its own little way. Thank you!

That's great Az.

I just want to remind you to allow yourself to feel what you feel, and release it. After that, it's a good time to allow yourself to envision what a happy life looks like to you, and then figure out how to get there.

The joy, the lessons, the pain, the victories, it's all in the journey. Let's make ours count.

AzDad, sorry I haven't been back, got kinda hung up on another thread.

You can do a lot of things to help yourself through the transition. The best one is to get some physical activity, go outside with your kids, get some exercise, you'll all feel better and sleep well. What I meant by get into a routine is that once you have set a schedule for yourself and your kids, it pretty much becomes automatic, almost second nature, and even when you are dead tired you find yourself able to do things even if you feel like you're on auto-pilot. As a single Dad there are going to be times when you are really tired, but you can't take a day off when you are caring for kids, so a schedule and good time management skills are necessary. Time to establish that is now.

Does your attorney know that your wife is missing her court ordered scheduled classes or appointments? Grounds for a contempt charge and really good news for you. I don't have to stress how important it is that you don't start going soft because you pity your STBX wife, do I?

What he said.

How's your routine now?