I really can't believe I am here and am terrified to open myself up but I desperately need help. My husband had an affair roughly 9 years ago. Somehow we made it through that storm and I often thought that experience made our marriage stronger. I felt as if we completely healed. I trusted and loved whole-heartedly, we were a success story. Now that is not to say we did not have difficulties. We went through some very diffeicut times in recent years which initially led me to this site several years ago. My husband was without a full-time job and I felt very bitter and neglegted at times, but we managed to make it through. In Sept he finally aquired full time employment and I thought that slowly but surely we were really getting back into the swing of marital happiness. Well, Thrusday I receive a facebook message that my husban is having an affair. I didn't even take it seriously, I thought someone was playing a game with me. Didn't even enter my mind as a possibility. Well, long story short...it was true...he cheated. Happened back in Oct/November, one time only but with the same womanhform 8 years ago. No further physical contact but text and phone calls. Her husband eventually found out, told my husband to leave his wife alone and apparantly he has, but she has continued to text him. Husband first denied denied then finally admitted. He is now saying and doing all the right things, I have exposed the cheating to his family and kicked him out of my house for now. I am completely torn as to waht to do next. Of course I want my marriage, we were seriously starting to get it back to what it once was, yet all along he was texteing this woman and helping her through her marital woes. How can I forgive AGAIN. I feel like I am setting myself up for him to just think that I will just get over it. He is begging me to not end it. He has blocked her from fb, blocked her from being able to call him, said he will shange his number, give up his cell phone whatever it takes. According to plan A I should be loving him and showing him how great it would be to stay with me, but I am so hurt I can't even look at him, so where do I go from here? I know I want him, our marriage and our family, but how do I know he wont hurt me again?
I am feeling extremely foolish and vulnerable, so please be gentle in your respons, but I need some honest answers and feedback.
me: 37
husband 40
married 15 years.
3 kids, 12, 13, 17.

Shedarbra

Sorry you find yourself back here again. Welcome.

Did you post before and if so under what name?

I am not a vet and if you were here before you know the weekends are really slow.

Hope you don't mind that took your post and broke it down into small paragraphs. Makes it a lot easier for readers to read and digest.

Again welcome. Here is a link that is a valuable resource. You may also want to read up on PLan A and Plan B.

Read This

nESRE

You set the boundaries:

He writes a no contact letter, commits to permanent no contact and evidences this to you, he changes his mobile number. Closes his facebook account

Full transparency, no hidden accounts, password given to you , access to his mobile phone and bills. No deleting text messages.

Full commitment to you and your marriage.

Each time the OW contacts your husband he tells you, you call her reenforcing that your husband is disclosing each contact and you update her husband.

To recover and affair proof your marriage write down what your extraordinary measures are , read "surviving an affair" . Your husband has to commit 100% to the measures required to protect your marriage.

Be strong there is a tough recovery ahead.

Xau has provided the basis for a recovery plan, if you can find it within yourself to permit him to try to repair the damage he's done.

You are far ahead of many of the initial BS posters here, because:

Her husband eventually found out, told my husband to leave his wife alone...

I have exposed the cheating to his family and kicked him out of my house for now.

These combined facts put the two of them on separate islands surrounded by a sea of disapproval.

To the suggestions Xau gave you, I would add:

1)Consider requiring a "post-nup" agreement as an "entry fee" to permit him back into your family's life.

2)Insist on a full STD screening (probably twice, six months apart) for both of you before .....well, you know.

And always keep in mind the phrase I underlined in my first sentence. It is immeasurably important for HIM to understand that HE has to do whatever it takes to repair your relationship. And even if he does everything possible, it might not be enough.

Hi Shedarbra, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

You should not be in Plan A. You should be in the recovery phase. The first step of this is to affair proof your marriage, the second step is to recover your marriage. He needs to be working on earning your forgiveness. I would suggest you get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP but I will post some articles that can get you on the right track.

One thing did stand out to me, though. And that is that he has "blocked" the OW on facebook. He can unblock her in 2 seconds flat and probably will. I would insist he DELETE facebook and not go on the computer unless you are with him. Does the OW's H know about the recent contact? I would stay in touch with him so you can compare notes.

Have your kids been told of the affair? Your kids should be told the truth of the affair so they understand the source of the tension in their home. Giving them false explanations for the tension teaches them dishonesty. It will be a huge wake up call for your H to be in a position to have to answer questions about why he was so willing to ruin their family for some skank ho on the internet.

Start here: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


Then read this overview of your plan from Dr Harley:

Thank you all so much for the words of support.
He has completely agreed to ANYTHING i ask and more. He gave me his passwords, told me I can take his phone anytime, is deleting fb. He has committed to NEVER EVER having any contact with her at all. If she is in the same store, he will walk out, if she attempts anything, he will tell me immediately.

He agrees he needs to work on this to prove to me he is 100% committed and he says he knows it may be a long road ahead.

I bought Surviving an Affair last night and will read it today. I really want to make things right and would love to just pretend it didn't happen and go about my merry way, but I feel like such a doormat.

I have done everything I think except tell my kids. I'm really struggling with that one. They adore their father and have such an amazing relationship with him. I feel like telling them in for my benefit and will do nothing but cause them hurt and heartache. I know I'm not the one that did this to them, but my job is to protect them, how can I crush their world?

So, if he is doing everything right, how do I know when to let him back in my house and start to work on the marriage. I know we can't do that with him not here, but don't know how to get past this.

Someone mentioned I need to look at not plan A, but the recovery phase, I will try to find out more about that. I am thankful, because I feel like he is not going through any withdrawal from her, or whatever I read about that cheating spouses go through, but it is me that is in withdrawal.

He also made an appoitment with MC for tomorrow, so we will see what might come of that also.

Ok, this concerns me. Do you live close to the OW? What are the chances that she may walk into the same store as your H? Because his walking out does not remove the trigger. This is not a solution. The solution is to make sure it never happens.



Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Giving them false explanations for the cause of tension not only teaches them dishonesty but makes them insecure. Kids often believe they are the cause of the problem when you give them unbelievable explanations. And more importantly, it does not make children happy or secure to believe illusions about their parents, it makes them insecure because they know you are hiding something.

And the biggest problem with hiding this is that it harms your husband to whitewash his crimes. Keeping it secret protects him from a much needed consequence.


Let him back now. You can't work on your marriage if he is not there.


They are 2 different things. His withdrawal is from the addiction of the OW. Yours is an emotional withdrawal from him because of his abuse.


Well, that could be bad news. Marriage counselors typically cause more harm than good because they don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and even less understanding of adultery. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. What will probably happen is that you will go to marriage counseling and further erode the love in your marriage by engaging in lovebusting sessions when you are counseled together. The MC will focus on greivances and resolving conflict instead of creating romantic love in your marriage.

Honestly, you could probably do a much better job doing it yourself with the Surviving an Affair book, the free questionaires and the free help on this forum.

And keep in mind, that the goal of Marriage Builders is completely different from that of traditional counselors. Their goal is peaceful co-existance, Marriage Builders is to CREATE ROMANTIC LOVE. Most MC's don't even believe this is possible.

Dr. Willard Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

wow, point taken regarding the kids. Will definately ponder this, not sure if he will agree to this but I guess its not really up for him to decide.

I do tend to agree about the MC. I originally told him that was the first thing he had to do to make this right, but after reading here, maybe this plan will be better? I will go tomorrow and just see how it goes before making a decision. I have felt in the past when we tried it, it digs up more bad feelings than it solves, but I just always thought that was because we obviously needed it so badly.

I really don't know where she lives. But I know that I have occassionally seen her a few times in the last 8 years, like at target or a movie theater...not enough that its really an issue, but he just put it out there that he would never ever be in the near vicinity of her or even allow her to think they could engage in just a 'hi how ya doin' thing.

so, do you think that the one thing he should have to do before he is allowed home is tell the kids? and if he is able to do that he should be allowed to come home and we can begin to mend?

Thanks so much for your advice and honesty,.

shedarbra, I would suggest that YOU tell them so they get the full, unvarnished truth and then tell your H afterwards. There is no reason to try to and force him to do it and no reason for him to be there when you do it. You can tell them and then when he comes home he can explain himself to the children and answer their questions. This is information about their lives and they have every right to know the truth. Telling them the truth will reduce their anxieties about the tension.

I would tell them and then let him come home tonight. The sooner he is home, and sleeping in your bed, the sooner you can start recovery.


It is a disaster. Couples typically leave marriage counseling more angry and more upset than when they went in. The Harleys
NEVER counsel couples in conflict together. You don't need to! And again, MC do not have the goal of creating romantic love, they don't even believe it is possible. Rather they distract your attention with conflict resolution. However, you can be the biggest conflict resolver in the world, it won't save your marriage. What will save your marriage is falling in love again. Something that will not be achieved sitting in a MC office lovebusting each other.


I would find out that where that ho lives. You need to know where enemy territory is. If she is close, you have a big problem.

And you believe this story because???? Sorry, I ain't buyin' this fairy tale.

Step one.... POLY

When and if he passes....

Step two.... Post-Nup

Step three.... Only then will you agree to work MB Program with him!!!!

I agree with Mel....

If your WH is so remorseful, it's time for him to take you for a drive and show you where OW lives. Then confirm with internet search of property taxes/courthouse records, etc.

ITA. Your WH should also give you her contact information.

And yes, you need to tell the kids. Going forward, your marital mantra should be "No Secrets. No lies."

I confirmed the story with her husband completely separate before getting it from my husband. There was really only the one opportunity as I was out of town for the weekend, so I really do believe that the physical contact only happened the 1 time, but the emotional affair continued. I do think that if I asked him to take a poly he would agree, so I may look into that for peace of mind.

He asked what he had to do to be able to come home and I told him he needs to write a letter of no contact to this woman, he agreed to do it today, give it to me to read and add anything I want, and we would go mail it together.

I told him we need to tell the kids before we can work on moving forward and we just did about 2 hours ago. Went way better than i anticipated and although it may not be the right way, he did the talking and I was there to add my side. I felt he was completely honest and took full responsibility and told the kids he would live by the mantra of it will take effort everyday to prove to me and to them that he is the man that I deserve.

I know it all seems like everything is going as good as possible, but I still have a sick stomach and can not stop shaking. I am taking the rest of teh day and just snuggled on the coach and intend to read surving infedelity. I told him about this website and program and he said he will do it and anything else that I ask.

So now what?

Good job!! And that is perfectly fine the way you told the kids as long as they were told the FULL TRUTH.

Here is the no contact letter from the book Surviving an Affair along with instructions:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html




[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Good. Now you begin recovery. Read the book. That's where you need to go right now.

Expect a rollercoaster ride. I was all over the place for months. It takes quite awhile to heal from this.

Read tonight. You'll have questions. Come back here with them. We'll help you with those.

My H is a FWH. Your H sounds a lot like mine did in the beginning. We have recovered our M and it's better than it ever was before.

I have a good feeling about your M, shedarbra.

shedarba, since you are bringing your H here I edited my post above and took out this:

Download and install a keylogger on his computer without his knowledge. Go to spectorsoft.com and download eblaster on his computer.

Please make note of this and go do it without his knowledge. Once you read this, let me know and I will delete this post.

This is a list that my wife gave to me PRIOR to allowing me to come home.

You'll only have one time to ask for these things, and the one time is NOW.