stillwater...

You need to get a grip and start following a plan - NOW! I understand that this is very upsetting and terribly traumatic, but sir, YOU are the only sane parent that your children have right now - They NEED you - They are DEPENDING on you. So STOP freaking out and LISTEN to the advice you are being given here, okay? Pretty please?

I am a FWW - My affair was in 2005 - my husband and I recovered our marriage and today are happier than I have words to describe - The OM in our situation dumped me too - As these situations go, THAT is the GOLDEN POSITION to be in! There is HOPE - lots of it, stillwater, but you MUST calm down and start listening to the people here and NOT your fogged out WW...

Are you willing to do that? If so, we can lead you step-by-step in what to do - whaddaya say?

Mrs. W

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I have exposed the affair. My WW has no one to talk to because the OM is not talking to her. Of course, that may change, but my WW behavior has definitely changed and she's in the grieving stage because NOW she's crying uncontrollably and is afraid she's going to lose the house, kids, everything. She said she just hopes the two of us can be civilized friends so we could raise our children as close to normal as possible. This afternoon, she wants to talk about the timeout because she says it isn't working. She is struggling and made a hint she's going to "officially" move in with her dad full time since I won't move out. Any advice at this point?

Did you stop this sleeping away nonsense?

And yes, she may lose everything and you need to drive that message home hard and fast. Tell her you will be filing on grounds of adultery and abandonment if she doesn't knock it off. Tell her you will not be her "friend" and you wont' cooperate one bit.

Indeed be calm when you tell her you will be filing for abandonment and a formal separation, she can take the easier option of showing remorse, honesty and restoring the trust and love in your marriage. Put her on a call with Dr Harley.

Be very open with her and lead the way.

I live in Texas. I can't file for abondonment unless my wife is away for more than a year. Basically, an extended period of time. But I have her on adultery.

I call baloney on this. She's not crying because she's afraid of losing everything. Think about it. You want her with you and the kids! How does she figure she's losing anything? Nope, she's crying because the OM is staying with his W and is kicking her to the curb like an old McDonald's bag. She is going through withdrawal, still.

Well, you can't chain her to the couch. If she wants to stay with her father then she'll stay with her father. But understand this: she's not doing that because she wants to end your M. She's doing that because she's keeping the door open for OM to 'come to his senses' and leave his wife for her.

I suspect that's not going to happen. OM has told her that he's going to taper off his calls. That means he's going to try to sneak around his wife and call yours to keep the affair-hits coming. Make sure you let his wife know what he said.

His wife knows that he was going to taper off over 2 weeks. Their counselor was with them when the OM said that was part of his plan. The OM's wife told me herself he was going to do this. But my wife said to the OM he might as well just stop all together. I think she was just hurt that he was dumping her and she couldn't stand chatting with him for 2 weeks knowing the inevitable was probably going to occur. But I agree with ya, she's definitely crying/hurt she was kicked to the curb. But I haven't ruled out that reality may be slowly setting in that she's losing her family too. I hope you don't get mad if I call your "door open policy" a theory. It's very possible that's her reason. It's apparent she can't stand to be around me right now. She's stressed, depressed, and there's probably some anxiety to throw in there too.

Oh. One more thing. She made a comment in a journal she shares with me that she wants to look at my chats with the OMs wife. Won't tell me why, but she has some questions she wants answered. Part of me doesn't care because I have nothing to hide and the OM's wife and I discussed how we could repair our mariages so it was all good. But the other part of me is a little pissed because she wouldn't share her chats with the OM in the past because she had purposely set the google chat settings to not record the chat history.

I would need to know why before you agree to that. You are not obligated to show her. Would it help you or hurt you for her to read them?

And did you end this agreement where you take turns sleeping out of the house?

This is why counselors are dangerous to marriages. That is stupid advice.

I don't know if I agree if Counselors are dangerous. Their job is either for the couple to realize the marriage should continue or they should end it. Any counselor worth their weight would do that. But there are bad apples out there.

Showing my wife the chats shouldn't hurt me because nearly all of it shows that I want the marriage to work.
We're going to talk tonight about the 50/50 agreement. It looks like she'll be staying at her dad's full-time...for the time being.

The vast majority are dangerous to marriages, which is evidenced by an 84% failure rate. They have a higher divorce rate than the general population, for example, and tend not to be pro marriage. They typically give the same bad advice they gave to the OM above. And one of the main reasons they are especially destructive to marriages where there is an affair is that they don't understand the dynamics of adultery. So, the rule when it comes to marriage counselors are bad apples, not the exception.

The job of a marriage counselor should be to save marriages, not to facilitate a divorce, but that is what most do. A couple wouldn't have to end the marriage if the marriage counselor was qualified enough to show them how to save it. But most do not have the slightest idea how to do that.

Huh? You're sharing a journal?
still, you don't owe her squat. Nothing. What questions does she want to have answered? Tell her you will hear them and consider asking OM's wife if they are conducive to your healing. Other than that, she needs NO INFORMATION.

Giving her no information is stooping close to her level of not communicating. Look, I am pissed, but I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be too. As much as an affair sucks, there are things that created an environment that led to that. I take partial responsibility in that department and I am trying to understand her. I also know an affair is NOT an excuse. It's stupid, but my wife and the OM were weak and sought out attention the wrong way.

You are absolutely right to take PARTIAL responsibility for the things that created an environment that led to all of this. However, your WW's decision to have an A is 100% on her. She could have chosen to separate, divorce and then move on, but instead, she chose to step out of her marriage to get her needs met. She CHOSE adultery, which is NEVER, under ANY circumstances, the right thing to do.

What are you teaching your children by going along to get along? You should read up on some of the articles on this site about what divorce does to children. You're also showing your sons (if you have any) that it's okay for your WW to cheat on you and suffer no consequences. You're teaching your daughters that husbands can be walked over.

Why so harsh on you? Because you are the one that is here seeking advice, not your WW.

I'm telling you man, you are making some huge errors in the way you're handling this. Seriously.

I know you're probably hurting like the dickens, but there is a way for your marriage to be restored and for both of you to fall in love with each other all over again if you will just listen to the advice you're being given.

I would NEVER share those chats with your WW. Why? Because you will be feeding her ammunition to use against OM's wife in the future if they resume contact. She will have an "in" into their marriage that she has no business having. Your discussions with OM's wife were to get information (right?)

Until your WW has come home and committed to no contact FOREVER with OM, you should keep your sources close to your vest.

You can do it your way, or listen to some very bad marriage counseling (some of the worst I heard in a while) or you can trust the plans developed by Dr. H (the owner of this site) after years and years of research and actually USING the plans to save hundreds of marriages.

Your call.

WHAT? Really? Have you been making reckless decisions about your wife's life without her consent or has that been what SHE'S been doing to you? If she were a crack addict and you needed to do an intervention, would you forewarn her? Or maybe give her access to large sums of family cash? Or would you realize instead that you were acting out of LOVE for her and would do whatever it took to save her from herself? Because make no mistake about it, SW, that is what your wife is right now, an addict in withdrawal...

SW...I want you to really LISTEN to me - As I told you in my earlier post, I am a FWW - So, I have walked in your wife's shoes, so to speak...You sound VERY AFRAID of your wife right now - It's UNATTRACTIVE, SW...PLEASE MAN UP! Be the LEADER of your family - STOP allowing the insane to run the asylum...

And NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...You should NOT take partial responsibility for her affair!! You are both 50% responsible for the state of the marriage prior to the affair, HOWEVER, the CHOICE to have an affair is ALL - as in 100% - on YOUR WIFE...She had many other choices, SW...Adultery was her very unacceptable choice...Hers...All hers...

Mrs. W

I totally agree, PM and just said pretty much the same thing you just said to Mr. W...It's like a further violation of OMW - AND WW is absolutely up to no good with wanting to see those chats...

Mrs. W

Are you wussing out? Is that what you're saying? I'd like to know, just so I know how to respond to you.

Stillwater...

I'd like to ask you to consider something about many of the people posting to you:

Take a look at their signatures...

MelodyLane
ME: BS
DH: WS
Happily recovered for 9 years!

maritalbliss
Me: BS 54 yo
FWH: 53 yo
DS: 16 & 18

D-Day 2-10-2009
Recovery Rocks!

PrincessMeggy
Happily Recovered Since 2003 (married 33 years)

MrsWondering
FWW ~ 41 [Me]
FBH ~ 43 [Mr. Wondering]
DD ~ 11
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

SW, all of us are telling you the SAME things, and all of our marriages have suffered infidelity and all of us are in recovered marriages today ~ Don't you think maybe there is a reason that we are all advising you as we are?

Food for thought, yes?

Mrs. W

Just so you know what really up on this, she is trying to maintain some connection with OM, and at the same time know what up with his wife. She is trying to control the situation. Be aware and watch out with this.

Does her Dad know the details? Is he a friend or respect marriage? It would be great if he knew and supported you in your marriage.

Yeah don't listen to the boo-hoos, don't feel sorry for her, don't move out and tell her she can sleep in the garage if nessesary. Tell her Dad whats happened now, before she paints him some picture of bull. At least if she goes there he will know the truth.

I also suspect the OM of cooling it untill he can start up again later. Did he block her number, send her a letter of no contact, let her know he is ashamed of himself and what he was doing?

Listen to these people here. They know of which they speak.