i should add that she is separated from her husband, has two teenage boys and lives in a town about 1/2 hour away.

I do not have any way to expose her as my husband will not tell me where she works, lives or goes to school. She is 40 years old i believe.

you can do lots of things or keep your filthy WH just the way he is,,,if it makes you happy.

i should add that she is separated from her husband, has two teenage boys and lives in a town about 1/2 hour away.
I do not have any way to expose her as my husband will not tell me where she works, lives or goes to school. She is 40 years old i believe.

Hello,
I have been reading here nonstop for about 3 weeks straight and decided now is the time to tell my story and seek your advice and comfort.

Married for 19 years. Husband had first affair with my best friend off and on for about 4 years. We lived right next door to them and I never completely got over it or healed properly.

You call her a best friend, but I want to point out that whatever drew you together must not have been loyalty. I assume since the affair stopped 10 years ago you do not spend time with her anymore. she has lost her chance to be your friend, It doesn't matter how much your shared morals might have contributed to her desision, talk is one thing, betrayal is another, and this one can't be fixed.


This was from about 1996 to 2000. During the time they lived next door (her husband new about their affair too), I tried to remain civil for the sake of our children (they were best friends. I proceeded to just spiral down hill.

I have been there, you can read my story but suffice it to say I also attempted to absorb the pain inflicted upon my family and children for the childrens sake. As you have now learned, it doesn't work. You have heard of the "Oxygen mask" principle? The reason the stewardess tells you to place the mask on yourself before your children in case of a crash is they know you will automatically try to care for the children first, They also know if you perish, you will not be able to care for them, and you are the one most likely to care for them in case of a crash. You must care for yourself first to be any good for your children. As you have learned, they still suffer because you suffer, and you still crashed. So lets go from there.

I have been on AD ever since, but i proceeded to be serious drinker to mask and hide my pain, so obviously, those meds did no good. So the last 10 years of our marriage has been bad. We were like roomates. I was a bear to live with. I know that.

Normal but unhealthy reaction to hide when you haven't been taught how to fight. Have you been to AA? Time to go, Learn how to protect yourself from yourself, and these damages that been inflicted upon you. My wife was an alcoholic, driven there by by her family, but never embraced any treatment plan that gave her control of her triggers. Don't let that happen to you. I gaurantee you unless you do that, the triggers will control you and effect your life as long as you live, even if you never have another drink. Time to admit your human and accept help.

Well, last year, he sent me an email basically saying, here are my dealbreakers, sex, drinking and communication and that he basically wanted a divorce. This was in September. So I said, no, you are not going to get that.

Sounds normal or Par for what has happened. He is blaming you for not meeting his needs, when he has been the major contributor to the problems you are having and why you can't. The reality is to much for him and he is convinced you are the problem. Its normal to blame when he can't, or won't, accept that he is the problem. He is taking the line of least resistance, like water, the emotions flow that way, downhill, we never want to grow up and control them.
We ussually wont untill we are forced to, and can see we have to. Not untill the pain from lack of change is greater than the pain of change. We are all selfish in that way. Again its normal.


Well, I got it out of him that there was someone else. He met up with her on facebook and she was an old girlfriend from high school. They had a connection according to him and he basically told her his life was miserable.

Of course, and he blamed you. Its the easy way out.

So they had an EA and PA that he told me about. He took her to a concert and lied about who he was going with in August and met up with her in October, (during which time I thought we were working on things) at a hotel in San Diego while he was away for training for work.
So I am being my loving Plan A self, and he tells me one night that he is still in contact with her. I told him that he needs to break off contact. So I though he did. So I continue to PlanA. Well, while on vacation at the end of Dec 2010, I found an email on Hotmail on his phone. Wasn�t even loking for it. We proceeded to hash it out while on vacation and sent her a NC email (kind of a [censored] one) on Jan 1 2011. All the while I am in plan A by the way.
So fast forward to last night. I snapped. I basically was looking at his phone for a website that he and I searched for a couple days ago and he asked why I was in his phone. I told him and said it really should not matter if you have nothing to hide. Well, I then started saying how he needs to start meeting my needs and that I am tired of him being on the fence. He just cannot make a conscious decision to commit to us.

So its time to act for yourself. You do not have to live like this, and your mental and emotional health demands that you don't anymore. I know he will shift all the blame on you, and you know it too. It doesn't matter at this point. The situation is toxic. Lets help you first and then if he has the guts, we can help him too. He will probably hang onto his A behavior because he is getting his fantasy fix and you should do a plan B with a thought out letter, and then AA with help putting yourself back together. Can you speak to Dr H? He will probably want you in AA first priority, becuase he knows how that works, but don't be discouraged, many people here have gone that route and have recovered themselves.

So I ask you, is this normal?


Normal considering, not nessesary to continue this way, and there is a way out. Understanding a situation and accepting it are two different things. We all understand that smoking is bad for us, some of us will accept the consqences, some will blame others. The best thing is to stop it. In this case we are here to help you stop what is happening to you. The key words are "Help You", as we encourage you to help yourself, but you must do it, and of course you can.

He left last night at 930pm and got home at 4am. He slept out in our motorhome when he got home, most likely so our 4 year old would not wake him when she got up.
I went out about 7am and took him coffee and was just so relieved to see him. He told me that, no, he didn�t see her, but I did look on the cell phone bill and saw that he called her and they spoke for about 2 minutes. She was busy, and he said that he just wanted to talk to her and have her listen to him about what had happened. Believe me, I so don�t want to believe that he met up with her, as he told me he tried to sleep in his car. She was out and busy last night so he says.

Anyway after I went back out and woke him up at 9am, we talked a little bit more and he told me that he basically has her on a pedestal based on their connection and our history has basically made it so that he cannot commit to me since he holds her in such high regard. Wow, after all of this plan Aing, I would hope I would be on a pedestal.
Yeah its common for waywards, or addicts

We have been going to a group counseling sesstion for the past 3 weeks and we have 2 more.

You need personal group and 1 on 1 counselling from someone who can do this right. DR H can do this right. You don't need a meeting with others who state the problems without concentrating on solutions. That ends up justifing the problems and ussualy ends up with justifying divorce. Only one on one with your WH will give you the results you both need, and groups are to general. Let DR H show you how with this program and principles, you BOTH can have an ACTIVE role in healing each other. Thats what its all about.

We do date night every week and I am seriously meeting all of his needs.
He is meeting none of mine. I guess I just want some sign that his is in this to own and not to rent. Give me some signs, throw me a bone.
He kisses me and hugs me when I go to him. We talk during the day either by phone, chat or text.
We are getting along and talking without fighting. I am really trying to be sympathetic as to how hurt he has become over the years as a result of him being in a miserable marriage.

Ummmm, is he sympathetic to you too?

How can I get him to stop putting her up this pedestal and start to fall in love with me again?
He says he loves me and cares about me. We have sex and it is good. But he may as well leave a 100 dollar bill on my pillow, because the next day, I get no affection, or attention. Things I despartely need.

He has his cake,(His boo-hoo I have been so hurt but I still love her and she needs me), and eating it too,(Uninhibited attraction to a fantasy ideal and the pursuit of it). He should be having that WITH you, never separate from you. His ENs are split between two places. Why? Because he can.

No I have not done exposure. I know I know, this is what I am struggling with. If I do that, it would in his eyes, convince him that she is up on a pedestal and I am the enemy.

That would be his blindness, NOT his revelation. Assuming you have done a good plan A, and went to AA, and maybe a counsellor/therapist who would tell you this has to stop as they supported AA, then his selfishness and stubborness is why he continues to live in the fantasy. Because he can, and nothing is stopping him, he won't see how much you have changed because it means he was wrong, and adulterers allways like to beleive they are right. Again, the boo-hoo.

I think we are making progress, should I just stop with all of the feeling and relationship talk. Become a doormat and plan A to the nth degree?

Lets talk about the plan A. Did he give you a list of ENs to work from? Are you filling them all? If you have been doing that for a while religiuosly,(and that means with painful sacrifice), then it might be time for Plan B. As you should know, plan A is suggested for as long as you can keep to it when there is an active affair. If you are still drinking, and hurting yourself or if you can't keep plan A because of the affiar, then maybe you should go to plan B.

The best thing would go to AA, meet all of his needs including that if you are still drinking now, and let him see that for a while. Then if that doesn't bring him to the table of NC and commitment to the marriage, expose and go to plan B so you can get some relief from the drama, and at least heal yourself. I know you don't feel that your worth it, but right now you are your own worst enemy.

Watched "The Count of Monte Cristo" the other night. The priest said to him as he was dieing, "Remmember to not make the mistake of committing the crimes you have been wrongfully imprisoned for". I am not gonna 2x4 you, you are doing worst than that to yourself. Get away from any addiction at any cost to your marriage. I hope we can help.

God Bless, I hope this helps
Help me please�
Thank you all so much

Your very welcome

..Go get the goods on her and then come back here and we can help you save your marriage. Don't ask him about his affair anymore. Just find out who she is and come back here with the intel. We will give you next steps.

hey all,
thank you so much for your replies. its nice to be heard by you all since you are experienced with this.
I should say this to address the highlights of your comments. He has only a hotmail account to communicate with her. She is off of facebook. She is no longer on it. He has said that he will think about closing the hotmail account. Cant change his phone number as it is a work number cell phone. Her calls are blocked from comming into that number. He can call her though. He has not done that for 3 weeks.
I talk to him daily about how he is feeling and i have asked him if there is any needs he has that i have not met. he said no. he told her that I have been really working at our marriage and that is why he is conflicted.

Also, i stopped drinking. no more, i have gone back to the gym, lost 25 pounds and no love busters during any convos.

I will come back again and address your ideas in more detail.
Thank you all again. It means alot to me that you are listening and i feel like i am being heard.

...

Your WH may well be a serial cheater, but that isn't necessarily something you can tell yet. A regular person may have more than one A if the conditions that led to the first A are not dealt with.

A serial cheater is someone who is addicted to A's for the A's sake, not because of unmet needs and poor boundaries.

After 2 A's no one would blame you if you wanted to walk away. I also understand that you probably want a chance to try and repair some of the damage you caused over the years. So if you want the best chance to see if your M can be salvaged, follow Melody's instructions to the T.

If your WH is not a serial adulterer, or if he is one of the few who is willing to change, you will find that out by the end of the process. If he isn't good H material, you'll be able to figure that out, too.

She is off of facebook. She is no longer on it.

He has only a hotmail account to communicate with her.....He has said that he will think about closing the hotmail account.

so how long do you think it will take for his thoughts about her to start fading?