Hi Constant,

It's very easy for me to talk about Char, and our history - she is simply the most honest loving and loyal person I could know.

Tom

Time to change your phone #. Next time there's a knock at your door in the middle of the night, call the police and report a prowler.

Sweep all notes and letters on your doorstep into the trash unread.

He's read your letter. He's playing games acting like if he pretends he didn't read the letter, he doesn't know his behavior is repulsive to you. He wants to play Harmony.

Go further into the dark, girl. Make yourself not play the messages. Make yourself do more to go dark. A disconnected phone # will go a LONG way to getting that point across.

Change the locks. He shouldn't be able to get into your house, unassisted by your IM, PERIOD!

Hi Harm,

"just gets drunk and emotional and contacts me then."

IMHO you are just going to have to tough this out as you have been doing. For his sake and for your sake. I don't think he is any good to you now and as a marital partner if he's relying on booze and emotions to win you back.

If you think you are hurting tho, we are now facing 20" of snow starting tomrrow here in the Chicago area!

Please take care..

Tom

I don't believe it Kayla, mostly because of how he has acted the couple times he has talked with her before. I believe he sees her as avoiding him and looking for someone else.

Now if he had read it, and he continued to act this way, I am right with you on thr rest of the suggestions.


Does anybody here agree that it is imperative that WH accually GETS the plan B letter? Or that its important that Harmony KNOWS it?

Ouch!

Hi Guys

OK things are starting to get tough. I am still dark, but I think he is breaking.


He has read the letter, I left it in the post box before I went on holiday and he opened it, read it, and left it on the kitchen table in the house.

He has been trying to break Plan B all weekend whilst drunk and now he has just left an urgent message with my work receptionist saying that I need to call him urgently.

He is in pain, I can tell, and I do not like seeing him go through this. I know how it feels.

Why has he ignored the letter? Why do I feel panicked about him contacting me rather than happy? Why does he make me get all jittery the thought of having contact with him again.

What do I do?

I am being very honest here, I love him, but I am not sure I he is 'right' for me. I have too many concerns about him. Time appart has made me reflect. Oh god.

Help!

Harmony, good for you for not responding.

You're not cracking this time, and he knows it.


You answered this for yourself in your next post.

Stay strong, Harmony.

You are not going to settle for anything less than the best for you, and that is a wonderful thing!

Thank you Delta.

I am determined to stay strong and dark. I do not like thinking of him in pain, whatever the outcome. I suppose thats the hardest part, I really do not like that but am getting better at it. I can't rescue him.

All he will do is just go off on me again.


It is truly a wonderful thing! I can love him but not accept anything appart from the best. I am frightened though, really frightened that I will get back with him because of my love for him and because I will find it too hard to truly walk away. My inner gut says get out. There is too much to 'fix'.

P

Amen!


One of the great parts of Plan B is that you don't need to decide anything right now. You're giving yourself the gift of time to live in peace and to make thoughtful, sound choices at the appropriate hour.

You don't need to decide anything right now. (repeat, repeat)

Stay strong, Harmony. I'll be thinking of you today.

H has contacted IM he is going to come into the house and change the locks if I don't let him in and will stop paying the mortgage.

If I really leave this man he is going to make things difficult.

Hope - thanks for your thoughts.

He can certainly stop paying the mortgage, but change the locks on a home you currently reside in? I don't think so.

At this point he is venting about your new arrangement. He doesn't like it. He can no longer manipulate you through status quo tactics, so now he is attempting to exert ANY control that he may have.

Smile. You are affecting him.

Harmony,

Right now Plan B is working and he is seeing that you are serious about not settling for the same man, he has read the letter, he knows what you are thinking....
He is trying to threaten right now because this is all he has........
He will learn that unless he approaches this the right way that there is no hope for him, he doesn't like not being able to control you and the situation.......
I would contact your lawyer make sure you know your legal rights here just so there is no questions and relay a message to him through the IM about the locks.
Of course it hurts to watch someone you care about hurting but Harmony he has choices and he is still picking the wrong ones..........that is not a man willing to change, that is the same old controlling guy..............not what you need in your life now, you have grown so much, don't take any steps backwards.........
Re-send the Plan B letter, registered mail this time, refresh his memory on what his choices should be if he really wants to re-build the marriage........
Be strong..............(hugs).............jessi

Oh Harmony, sweet Harmony...


YOU are my HERO! Honestly,you are!

I see you went into Plan B a little over 3 months ago? And already you have grown so much.

If you read my thread, you'll see I texted WH out of anger last night. Now after a good nights sleep and the light of day...not a good idea. Not that it's triggered anything for ME, but I don't want WH to think I'm breaking Plan B letter(which I did!).

Now I SEE, thanks to you Harmony, that the only way to heal MYSELF is through a dark Plan B.

I'm still on the right path, I'm hoping, but it seems like such a lonnng road...even if I know the out come will be my own inner peace.

What are the laws in UK regarding changing locks on residence? I realise you aren't in US and they may be vastly different there then here.

Don't know if you like BonJovi...but found this video on nESRE's thread...love it...thought you might too:


youtube

Harmony - Are you going to al anon meetings?

Did your Plan B letter include addiction recovery before marital recovery?

Take steps if you must to stop him from having access to the house; I know you have doubts about filing for divorce at this point but you're getting close in your thought processes. And the lines that you are thinking about are good - do you really want this man as he is, back?

Keep the bar raised really high. Filing for divorce and receiving notice from lawyers that he can no longer bully you around about locks or property or payments will protect you from this sort of behavior.

He wants to escalate in order to get your attention - bad attention is better to him than no attention. Don't take the bait. Instead, secure your rights to have no contact and if that means filing for divorce, do it with no warning and no threats.

PS He really needs to find his bottom before he'll start to return to any sensible recovery from alcohol or OW addictions. You have to get out of his way for him to do that. You can't be a soft place for him to land because he'll avoid recovery until he hits bottom HARD.

Hi Guys

So pleased that he is away from me if I am honest. I have no intention of breaking Plan B, it is just a huge love buster for him to come to the house at 1am and then threaten to change the locks. I know the only way to put a stop to this, and am starting to move towards that. I am really not sure if I want to recover this marriage, yikes



It really does work Mitzie and the only thing you should be worried about in Plan B is whether you truly want to recover your marriage.



No I am not going to al-anon meetings. I guess he uses drink when he is low or tries to deal with things. I am really in trouble you know, he is escalating. I am concerned now that he has busted the locks when I get home and I am suppose to be going out. I hope he doesn't stoop that low to lock me out of the house.

The bar is high, I am ok, just want to have a quiet life surrounded by postivity, I owe that to my father.

I need to resend him PLan B letter, what if I am not sure about wanting him back though? Is that not 'leading him on'?

Thanks for your support today guys.

Once your H responds to your plan B, RECOVERY is a whole different ball game.

(I hear you are wondering "if" you want to recover at all) I have read quite a few threads, and this question comes up frequently. I think it is a normal part of the process of plan b.

If he comes back in the future, it will take time to figure out if true recovery is in your future. You have to see that the changes you require will stay, that does not happen overnight.