Dr.Hurley, I just bought your book, His Needs Her Needs the other day and was amazed to find myself finishing the book in a matter of hours. I'm the typr of guy to not like to read or finish a book most of the time. I found the book extremely helpful in pointing out my flaws in what I haven't been providing my wife.

We have been married for 17 years. I have had an issue with porn addiction over this time except for the last 15 months. My wife has PTSD and had it before we were married but didn't idnetify it until 7 or 8 years later. I have not been fulfilling some of her emotional needs and it caused her to have an affair with someone at her work. It killed me inside. I had anger and resentment towards her. I love her more than anything in the world. I told her that I forgive her but as you have pointed out the pain will be there, dying down eventually.

Last night I slept in the extra bedroom, the night before I was on the floor in the livingroom. It was her idea to have me move out of the bedroom. We have talked some about her feelings and our past. Our past is filled with disappointment in me along with anger.

Three months ago I discovered text messages between her and this man. She initially denied anything saying they were just friends but it came out most of those texts were sexual in nature. Things had changed in me. I became more attentive to my wife. Sex went from my needs to satisfying hers. I did a lot of housework, I still do. I am spending more time with my children which was something I wasn't doing much of.

We did the questions about emotional needs in your book and it seems that her top 5 are affection, sex, intimate conversation, honesty, and family. Everytime I try to talk to her about anything I get the ton of anger in her voice yet she isn't yelling or screaming. It sounds like resentment. I want to show her affection but I don't know where to start without invading the space she needs. I have been giving her hugs maybe once or twice a day but it seems like she is retreating. She says she loves me but still has feelings for this other man.

We have 3 beautiful children together. She has also put a password on her phone and has changed her computer password too. She won't be transparent and give up those passwords. I don't know if she is still communicating with this guy. I'm sure they see each other at work but I don't know what is said, if anything.

Many people where she works have been talking about her and this man, how they don't talk like they used to. I need help. We are going to start counseling in the next week but are there other things I could be doing to help repair my marriage with my wife? Your advice is greatly appreciated.

I also want to note that this man my WS is/was having an affair with is divorced twice from the same woman and they have kids. Should I expose this stuff to his ex-wife? I have been thinking about telling my wife's dad but I don't know how he will come across.

My WS's older two brothers have recently had affairs and have seperated from their spouses. This seems to be a trend in this family but my wife's mom and dad have not split. They have worked through things like alcoholism and such. My WS said I should call her dad and talk to him. Is she trying to get help by having me call?

Normally in the past when I screwed up and she was mad at me she would take down any photos of us like our wedding pictures. They are still up. Last night and this morning I noticed she was sleeping on my side of the bed. She only does this when she misses me being there with her.

Hi MH 73

Just wanted to welcome you to Marriage Builders. Sorry you find yourself here.

Could you help us out a bit and take your original post and break it up into small paragraphs. Its a lot easier for us readers to digest the small portions.

Aslo would you take a look at this and then get back to us with specific questions. There is a lot in your first post to try and comprehend.


Read This

nESRE

Thanks for the tips.

My wife and I are both 37, I turn 38 the day after tomorrow.

We have three children together ages 16, 12, and 8.

We have been married for 17 years and this is our first marriage.

My WS met her AP at work. She works at the hospital here in town. My WS is an RN and her AP is a security guard.

It basically lasted about 2 months.

I found out about the OM from my wife. We had a party with friends from where we both work. I am in the Army. We had about 10 guests at our house. The OM came over and didn't even greet me at the door, went straight for my WS. I noticed this was not normal. They were hanging out with each other the whole night. My WS was drinking heavily.

My WS made chili for dinner that night and wanted to take some to her friends at work who could not make it. I told her she wasn't fit to drive. She said her OM could drive. He had driven a motorcycle to our house. My WS said her would drive her in our truck. I gave her a look and said no. They went anyway while I was hosting the guests.

Later on that night OM finally left. My WS was wasted on alcohol. She was all over me. I told her that she needed to go lay down. Everyone had left that night around 1 am. One of my children got me and said mommy was sick.I went to the bedroom and my WS was in the bathroom vomiting. I displayed disappointment and slight anger in her drinking so much and having the OM drive our truck when I said not to. I was mad that night.

Two days later I was at work. I had forgotten my work keys at home and asked my WS to bring them in. I was in a meeting so the plan was when I got out that I would call my WS and she would meet me at my office. I called her about 4 times and she didn't answer. She then called back and said she was on her way. I asked her why she didn't answer and she said she didn't get a call from me. She had told me she would be there shortly.

Forty-five minutes had gone by and I was growing suspicous and worried. I called her again and she said she would be there in 5 minutes. When she arrived she walked in, handed me the keys and walked out. I knew something was wrong. I went outside and talked with er. She talked about how I didn't care about her and that she was lonely. This conversation went on for 45 minutes. We kissed and she went home.

Things didn't sit well with me so I decided to head home. My wife was working that night. We ended up having a discussion and it came out she went to the OM's house for coffee. What man invites a married woman to his house for coffee? I was mad. I drove to her work and she came outside. She sat in my car as I displayed how I felt about this. I was crying, mad, everything in me came out. She could see I was hurt.

I also called the OM and told him I was not happy, where was his honor. He said that they were just friends and that he invited her over for coffee because he had questions about clothes to buy for his girlfriend. I knoew he was lying. I asked him if he does this with every nurse from work and he said yes. I told him to stay away from my wife and hung up.

My WS came home around 6:30 am. She went to bed as I got the kids off to school. When everyone was gone I had to talk with her. My WS said there was nothing wrong and that htye just had coffee and she was asked her opinion on some clothes. I told her that this was inappropriate behavior for a married woman. I still thought something was going on.

I went to check the phone records and had discovered since OCT 13-OCT 31 there was 1,977 text messages between the two. Hardly a friendship here. I talked to my WS and wanted to know the content of those messages. It came out that they were explicit in sex. I said this needs to stop. I was very angry.

Things quickly went south. I started drinking vodka the next morning. I am not a violent person with alcohol. I went to another room and started crying. She eventually woke up and found me. She said she made a huge mistake. She was mad. She sadi she was sorry for hurting me and had never meant to. We eventually made up with sex. We fell asleep together and woke up before it was time to pick up my younger kids from school.

Things were working themselves out. I was doing more at the house with the everyday chores. I also got up in the morning to get ur kids ready for school, something my WS would do coming home after 12 hours of work. I would spend more time with the kids and less watching tv or on the computer. We went skiing together with the kids and by ourselves. We were having fun. I would buy my wife flowers and bringher coffee and food to her work whenever she needed it, no matter howlate in the night it was. She really liked this.

Last week I noticed my wife started writing in her journal again. I didn't think anything of it. This past Tuesday I had made a pot of coffee for her. She said she was comingh ome to get it. I thought no big deal. I was reading on our bed when she came in. She was happy in what I did. She kissed me a couple of times and then left. I got uncomfortable on the bed and had moved some pillows around. I heard a thud against the headboard.

I moved her pillow and found her journal in it. Something told me I shouldn't read this but I did anyway. I read what had really happened between my WS and the OM. She had gone out and met him one night and she kissed him. I was distraught! I thought she had been honest with me. Instead of keeping this to myself I called her at work. I told her I found out there was more than text messages. I then got mad ans asked if they had sex. She paused and said yes. I asked how many times and she said twice. There were little words and a lot of silence between us. She said she had to get back to work so she did. When she got home the next morning I got mad. I approached her about this stuff. She then said we are over. I said we are going to work through this together and she said no.

I had to go to work that morning but called my boss to let him know I was having issues. He knew about what had happened before and had no problem with me not showing up. In my WS's journal she had ended her last entry with seeking counseling. She told me she had called MilitaryOneSource but as soon as she was connected she hung up. She was embarrassed and depressed. She had read oan article online that caused her to get depressed. I asked to read it. After the second page I could see why. It was an article written by a marriage counselor that talked about there is life after divorce as oppsed to solving marriages. It was depressing.

My WS asked what did I want from her. I said counseling. She went on her laptop and got me the phone number to call. We don't have a lot of money to spend on counseling that's why we have to use the military for free. I made the call and are now waiting on a date to go see a counselor. I hate waiting this long. Between her hours she works it makes it so hard to get a good date and time to go see a counselor. If we had the money I would call you guys but we don't and I don't think the military would pay for it.

I have ordered the book Surviving an Affair from Barnes and Nobles. It should be here in a couple of days. I have read most of the links you have posted except Basic Concepts, Wat's guideline, and Longhorn's thread. I will read those now.

Sorry, I have now made this reader friendly

Mh73






Thanks for editing the post.

It also may do some good to note in your subject line MILITARY.

You guys have your own special services available that a guy like me in the general public knows nothing about.

There are many military that post here and they come on all hours of the day and night.

Thank you for your service. Hope this will help.

nESRE

>>>We have been married for 17 years. I have had an issue with porn addiction over this time except for the last 15 months. My wife has PTSD and had it before we were married but didn't idnetify it until 7 or 8 years later. I have not been fulfilling some of her emotional needs and it caused her to have an affair with someone at her work.<<<

don't know how to do the whole "box" thing with copying.

all the above is true. and i am the "WS"
he did not mention how for those 17 years we would cycle in out of him hiding and lying;I wanted to believe the best in him and it would always end in a huge fight when i realized i was being lied to. how for 16 years I was betrayed. repeatedly.

there is no saving this relationship.
we are just in different places.

he's scared now because I am now in a position to support myself. I am no longer trapped. he sees now that i can leave.

we have tried counseling before. have been separated before.

and yes, i did have an affair. am still connected. and don't feel anything ... as far as guilt goes.

he won't give me space or time to figure out my feelings. just continually is there telling me we WILL fix this. the more he tries to shove that point down my throat the more i retreat.

he wants to have these heart to heart conversations. i start talking then he has to have his say - which squashes me. interrupts and it's all about him.

resentment. oh heck yes. i resent that NOW after all these years he finally sees what's wrong. NOW ... because he's in pain I am supposed to jump on board and stop the pain. WHAT about all those years of my pain? of the kids? why was that OK but this is not??

I will not post on here anymore. but that is my side.

Where's mels horn???

RN73

Im not here to tell you what to do.

Have you read a little of the articles and basic concepts of the site.

Even if your Marriage can't be saved there is personal healing for yourself.

Do you have your own thread going???

nEsre

What does this mean?

If what you say is true, then why did you stay with him? Did your affair fix anything?

mh73

Read through your posts. Your WW was here.

Try to stick to your main thread with questions so we can keep track of your story and help.

I copied this little bit off the other thread and since your WW now knows your here you may want to be discreet or if you did not want her to know its too late.

If you can encourage her to post with the promise you both will stay off each others threads -reading/posting for a while. It really could help both of you. It sounds like she has a lot of built up anger and resentment from the past.

There are ways to deal with that HERE.

Thanks nesre.

I knew she found out when I left the computer on yesterday. She asked what it was and I told her. I love her dearly but have issues with patience. I'm just scared to lose the woman I love.

mh73,

While you are to blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage, you are NOT to blame for your wife's adultery. SHE owns 100% of that. Her affair happened because she has no boundaries.

If your marriage was so terrible, she could have left you and divorced you without having an affair.

I hesitate to advise you here because your wife is also here.

However, if you and your wife will follow the principles here, you can rebuild your marriage so that you BOTH are happy and in love with each other.

His Needs, Her Needs is excellent, but you should also read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harly. You can order it through this site.

Your wife should go completely NO CONTACT with this other man for life. She should also understand that this man does not love her and has no respect for her. If he did, he would not degrade her by having an affair with her.

Hi Mh73, welcome to Marriage Builders. First, stop. Breathe. Start absorbing all the info here. I believe you said you ordered "Surviving an Affair"-- good!

I also read that your WW has posted. If you want further advice, click on "notify" and let the mods know that your WW knows about this site and has posted. They may be able to help you figure out a way to go incognito.