I�ve been married 13 years. We have 2 daughters, 3 & 6. Great jobs, home, parents, siblings, and friends. We�ve built a picture perfect life together.

Always thought my wife was as an innocent angel until I discovered sexual emails last April. I was assured it was with an old college friend. After some investigating, I discovered it was an old co-worker who now lives out of state. He has been married/divorced twice, 3 kids between both exwives. Emailed him to back off, and told my wife we go to counseling or we get divorced. Found out in June that she was still emailing him and planning to meet. I called him and again told him to back off. Then my wife revealed in counseling that they had a sexual affair over a 3 year period from 1998-2001 (until he moved). She says it wasn�t elaborate, infrequent, just staying at the bar after other co-workers were gone, only two planned encounters at his house (while married to first wife), hooking up about a dozen times total over the three years. Not love, just friends.

She said she emailed him anytime things were not good in our marriage over the last decade. So it was basically an emotional affair after he moved out of state. In July, I saw she emailed him again. I told her no contact with him ever again or I will divorce her. She emailed him once since then, in September, and told me about it right away, she said it was her way of letting go.

She says she loves me, doesn�t want our marriage to end, and is trying to get the spark back. I contacted the OM in November to get some closure (and test if there was still contact), told him I know everything and to hold no illusions that he can ever be with my wife again. His response was lies, denials, and pure arrogance. Recently told my wife about that contact and she said she wasn�t interested in seeing the email since she has closed that chapter in her life. I believe she is really trying, being totally honest with me, and has not had any contact with OM (I periodically check everything). Counseling sometimes helps, but we both agree that it usually only drags us down.

I feel we are in a better place now, but my problem is that I want much more out of my marriage now, I want that spark back between us, I want to trust her again. This past year has been horrible, yet good for me, I lost 50 pounds, become a better person, and discovered what�s really important in life! But how do I move forward from here? How do I rid myself of the hatred for the OM? I never exposed him to his friends and family, although after reading here I feel I should have. I still feel like getting revenge and exposing him to the world. It kills me that my wife doesn�t see him as the dirt bag he is. Her family, mine and the counselors all see this!

My wife told me the sex was unprotected, how can I possibly forgive her for putting me at risk like that? How do I forgive her for the betrayal and lies? I know my story is different than most here. I would have been happy to be at this point 6 months ago, but now I know that I want the real thing or nothing. I want her to have real desire for me again, how do I get that back? My fear is that if I don�t get it from her over the next year, I just might end up leaving the marriage to find someone who can give me what I want. Does this love bank stuff really work? Have other people�s marriages really survived something as devastating as this?

I don't know if this is going to help, but this is a moot question. "Forgiveness" is defined by being a conscious decision by an injured party not to exact retribution. You've already done that, but not taking your revenge by (your choice) beating her until she's dead (not done so much nowadays), divorcing her, or returning her to her parents (also kind of passe). So, the bad news is that "forgiving" her won't help you feel any better than you do now.

What you are looking for is "healing", and while your learning of the factors (LB, $LB balances of zero) that helped lead her to betray you will be of some value, SHE is going to have to be the chief healer in your situation. And the pain, to her, of doing the self-improvement and introspection necessary to heal her psyche, and your emotional center, at the same time is something she will instinctively shy away from. Let's be honest, no one wants to discover - as she will have to - that they are without integrity and honor.

Soooooooo, you are going to have to incent her to do so. And that means getting nasty in a hurry. You may spend hundreds of hours sugar-coating the message, but translated to its purest form, (here called Radical Honesty) it will be:

"Wife, I remain incredibly damaged by what you've done. I have found a program (MB) with a long history of repairing damaged marriages. If you cannot follow it, and repair US, I will take steps to exit our marriage for my own self-respect."

I'm sorry you're here, but know you can find what you need here.

Thanks, your advice is actually encouraging to me. I guess she has sort of taken on a healing role in the past months. Her intial reactions of defensiveness and anger has virtually disappeared. The words "integrity" and "healing" have come up often. For the first time in our marriage, she is being completely honest to me about her feelings, not running to the OM. I have told her flat out that we need to repair the marriage or I will end it, i won't accept going back to what we had before (although I was happy then). Although not as structured as the MB program, I think we've been praticing the basic concepts. She is currently reading Love Busters and I'm reading Surving Affair. I think we are on the right path ...

Okay, now that you and she are so comfortable, explain to her that an absolute requirement is that she give you passwords to all her e-mail, facebook, cell-phone, etc, access.

THERE IS NO REFUSING THIS REQUEST ON HER PART.

The implication, spoken or unspoken, is that she has forfeited any claim on your "trust" and only by your being able to verify that all is above-board, can you proceed.

If she gets angry don't respond in kind. Continue repeating that you are interested in saving your marriage, and need this in place to move forward.

And this one is ugly enough that it slipped my mind until now - You must insist that both of you get screened for STD's, probably once now and once in six months. You might offer to make the appointments.

When (not "if") she gets angry on this one don't respond in kind. Continue repeating that you are interested in saving your marriage, and need this in place to move forward.

I tried that one myself, they said no refunds.

Ok, I am in the airport on my iPad and can't do it but can someone post the article "can't we just forgive and forget?"

Can't we just forgive and forget LETTER #1

Letter numbers 2 and 3 you should be able to hit "next" to get to or just click from the list on the left hand side of the Letter #1 screen.

Mr. W

We�ve built a picture perfect life together.

Apparently not. You threaten divorce a LOT but don't ever make good on your threat, subsequently your wife doesn't fear any consequences because there haven't been any.

She gave me all passwords months ago. The PA was 10 years ago and turned into an EA after the OM moved out of state, we've had two children since then. We've both had life insurance blood tests since then. I asked her what she was thinking having unprotected sex and her response was I have no excuse but "I asked him" and I was young/immature back then. I do wonder what would have happened if her plans to cheat this year were successful. In any case, she doesn't get angry anymore when I ask details about the affair. She now knows how much pain this has caused me and she shows much remorse now. She's been out of the fog for many months and is committed to saving the marriage. She has said repeatly that she just wants me to get better and will never do anything to jepordize our family again. If she never confessed to me about PA, I never would have known. While my guard is still up, I believe her. She is really trying to repair our marriage.

Picture perfect meaning a facade.

I threatened divorce twice in my entire 13 year marriage. Initially to get her in counseling, then later to stop all contact w/ OM. She knows I will leave if if she speaks to him again. And I will.

Okay, then, with the two "boogeymen" - transparency, and STD clearance - out of the way, you and she are ready to move on to creating a better marriage than you've ever had.

Read all here on meeting each other's EN's, the ideas behind the Love Bank, and Love Busters, the concept of Radical Honesty, and the absolute need (especially in cases of "recovering" relationships) for 15 - 20 hours each week of Undivided Attention.

As soon as her plane lands, I would count the seconds until Melody Lane checks in and gives you much more detail about these concepts, along with a few others (Recreational Companionship, POJA, etc) that complement and supplement the ones I mentioned. Take what M/L offers as a profound gift.

If she's fully on-board with learning and implementing the concepts, your FWW will someday say to you, "What the HELL was I thinking?". Then you'll be happy you found this site.

W/L,
Just checking in to see if you located the resources to which you were directed, and/or have any questions about the contents thereof.

Yes, I did, thanks. We are both reading the books. She is being very positive and has started to practice some of the concepts. Thanks for helping me gain some confidence in moving forward ...