Wow, I never thought I would be in this situation! I'm sure that has been said sooo many times but it is exactly how I feel. I am 23, husband is 24. We are high-school sweethearts who have been together for 10 years, married 4. About a month and a half ago I had an affair. It started out as only emotional,texting back and forth and phone calls, but quickly escalated. After about 3 weeks of talking to this guy I told my hubby that i needed time to think things through (classic- as I now know!) and he moved out. The following weekend I drove 8 hrs across 2 states to be with this other guy. I stayed in a hotel for a weekend and met up with the OM one night- the worst night of my life. When I came back I decided that I was an IDIOT and my hubby and I got back together. But, I knew I had to come clean to my husband because i couldn't stand the fact that not only had I done this terrible thing but that I was lying to him everyday by not telling him. Well, after about 3 weeks of trying to figure out how to break it to him i just blurted it out one morning. Watching his reaction killed me. He said the cheating wasn't what was so bad, but the fact that I had gone to such great lengths to do it- driving 8 hrs to be with this "slime ball" was what really got him. So- he left for a week. We still saw each other daily because we have a 5 yr old daughter who is the world to him and he would see her every night. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I didn't want to lose my husband- the only way he would talk to me was by text, so I took advantage of that and let him know how I felt- how sorry I am, how I am willing to do whatever it takes to work it out. After a week he came over and we talked and talked. Both of us decided that we love each other too much and have been through too much to let this be the end. So, he moved back in. The dilemma I now face is whats next? Thankfully I found this site and spent all day (literally) reading the Basic concepts and How to Survive Infidelity. I am so thankful that I now have information and the groundwork to start rebuilding. Thing is, I feel almost like I have no right suggesting ideas or trying to work this out since I caused it. How dare I tear him apart and then suggest this loony approach to "fix" things. I know my husband, and I am so scared. I am scared that things will go right back to how they were before and we will be roommates again. I cannot do that again! I want so badly to spend time with him, to know him again and to fall back into love. When he asked me if he thought we could do this I told him- "I know we can, but it will take WORK, and it will be hard." He agreed but was willing (which i cannot understand) to give me another chance and to do this. I don't know how to do this and I need advice and I need to know it will be okay. I know that I cannot try to work this out alone, I've tried that before and it DOES NOT WORK! Any tips on how to suggest this plan to a spouse who may not be accepting? HELP!!!!

This is a great place to land for both of you, do the questionaires figure out what you both need, be remorseful for your actions, be clear with your words, this is your chance to fix what was wrong, no holding back now, be affectionate and give him all the time he needs to feel comfortable, and whatever you do don't do anything he ever has to question again..........
accept that your past is something you can't change and it has changed your relationship, but you can make a new future ........it takes work, but worth the effort.

Sorry you're here. There's many resources for you to get help.

Is the child his?

I recommend he come here and start his own thread.

The key to all of this is to establish the boundaries you lack and make sure there is accountability for both of you in your marriage. There needs to be total openness.

Thanks for the replies. @ jessitaylor- I'm at a place where I am excited about our future and what we can be because I know if we work at it things will be better than ever before. But, I feel guilty for feeling like this because of what I have done to hurt him. @ helpthelostdads-the child is his. Actually, before I got all stupid my husband was the only person I had ever been with. We were "the first" for each other and were supposed to be "the only". I don't think he understands how I feel though I have tried to put it into words-it is the worst feeling in the world seeing the person you love hurting and knowing that you caused that hurt.

Steps I have taken to avoid this- completely deleted all social networking accounts (what got me in trouble) and considering changing my phone number. Its different because while i had an affair it was not ongoing and I don't think I had a "withdraw period". Pretty much- I KNEW that I had made a terrible mistake while in the midst of it and stopped. After that one encounter there was no further contact with this person-verbal or physical.

Going to answer your question breaking this down backwards from here.


Step 1; you will no longer text, chat, call, or have social network connections with other mean who are not of blood relation to you. Ever, for any reason. You have demonstrated you don't have the proper boundaries to do so.

No man other than your husband should be meeting your emotional needs.


Hindsight; always 20/20. But you KNEW it was a mistake the whole way, didn't you? Each twinge of excitement while you texted him, you KNEW it was wrong, and THAT made it exciting. Learn from THAT. Wrong is always wrong, and your mind and heart told you, you refused to listen.


It is quite devastating and insulting. You went that far to schtupp some dude in a hotel room, and all the while a man who swore to live his life for you was right there, and you couldn't just turn your head and tell the truth.

Now you REALLY have your work cut out for you to recover this. He's in shock now, but the roller coaster is a comin.


Go buy a 3 ring binder and a 3-hole punch. Order the book Surviving An Affair from this site, from amazon, from the library. Whatever you do, GET IT.

Start with the basic concepts, print them out and read them with your H (IF he is willing).

Then move on to the surviving infidelity Q&A articles here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

My FWW and I read between 1 and 3 articles each night for a while. I would read them and highlight portions which I thought stuck out, and she would read it next, making her own notes and marks.

Print out and complete the Questionnaires here;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html

Specifically do the emotional needs, love busters, and personal history.

Store them in your 3 ring binder.



You are ABSOLUTELY correct. I won't argue with that. I was the one who brought this to my FWW - I was fortunate that she was willing to participate, because otherwise I would be gone. You will also find ways to work on YOURSELF, and lead the way to recovery. If your BH won't work the materials, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THE HEAVY LIFTING.



If you are looking for a guarantee that your husband will not divorce you for infidelity, you are screwed. You have critically assaulted someone who trusted you with their love and their life, and you did so for purely selfish reasons, and because you were too lazy and dishonest to keep your side of the street clean.

That does not mean there is no hope, just no guarantee.

The state of your marriage before you strayed is just as much YOUR fault as it was your husband's. Infidelity LIES SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

Your actions and decisions and dishonesty ALSO CONTRIBUTED to your complaint of feeling "like we were just roommates."

Continue reading the articles here. It will start to make sense.

Thanks for the insight. Yeah I acted selfishly and I have accepted that and own this mistake. And yes the state of our relationship is not only my husband's fault- we BOTH neglected the protection, care, time and effort it takes to keep a marriage safe and happy. Ultimately it was MY decision that drove this huge wedge between us and I understand that. I cannot change what I have done, and I cannot undo the hurt and pain that I have caused and that is hard to live with. However, I understand that in order to move forward I have to forgive myself and focus on the future. Thankfully my husband is willing to do this as well, though I know it has to be A LOT harder for him. So, I CAN work this myself if my hubby isn't comfortable with it? I don't know that he won't be because I haven't had the chance to present him with this information, but I know that in the past both of us have been very cold and for both of us its "weak" to talk about feelings. So, if hes not at the same place as I am - that I'm tired of doing things that don't work and want to try anything that may work - Can I just work it and pray that he sees a difference?

If you wanted a better marriage, you have done the least constructive thing to give yourself the leverage to do so. What could have been done in the matter of a few months will now take a minimum of two years. A MINIMUM OF TWO YEARS.

Your guide is the 4 step guide to coping with infidelity I already linked, as well as the recovery after infidelity.

GET SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

A lot of what you are going to see from your BH at first is not what he will be doing/saying in a few months.

It will likely get much worse before it gets better - and that is the cost of your choices and actions.

If he won't get on board, then it is up to you to model this program to him. It is up to you to take the lead - but remember, he gets to set the pace, no matter who is in the lead.

GloveOil gave you some great advice. I am a few months farther along in my recovery from my wife's A. Remember, this is the time when he needs to recover. You came to your senses and are ready to move on. He is still trying to understand what you did.

I had to ask my wife to slow down, because she was already "over it" when her A ended, and I was still in a state of shock. Let him process it in his own way at his own pace. Ask him how he is doing every day. Ask if there is anything you can do, or anything he needs from you.

You will have to show by your actions that you are taking extraordinary measures to rebuild your marriage. It is a slow process.

Golden ticket, right here.

The rest of his post is worth burning into your eyelids.

You will hear it, you will see it posted over and over; recovery is a roller coaster.

The other place you will see this description is when discussing grief or loss.

Your BH is experiencing grief, he is experiencing loss. Someone came along and murdered his marriage, murdered the woman he thought he was married to. In her place is a selfish, finger-pointing demon torturing him.

You gave up carte blanche to have your husband "change." Instead, you gave him a "get out of marriage free" card. He has the excuse under almost any culture or religion to kick your butt to the curb.

So, one thing you should be thankful for is just to have a chance.

Now, this chance does not mean he should wield your mistake against you. By no means. However, you are going to need to demonstrate through EP's that you are in this marriage.

Midnara,

First, welcome to MB. So glad you found it.

Have you sent a no contact letter to the OM? Well actually, you should write it and your husband should approve it AND send it. It basically will say that you regret the harm that caused your marriage, your husband didn't deserve it, that you're going to recommit to your marriage and that you can have no contact with OM for the rest of your life in any way. There's a template around here and I'll see if I can find it.

I know exactly how you feel. I never dreamed I would be the one who cheated. I started talking to an old hs friend and it escalated. My husband found out and we have been trying to work it out. It's been two years and I am still begging for his forgiveness. I just beg you that if your husband begins to bring it up everyday and seems to not beable to move forward with you, to get help. We let ours esculate to a huge fight which led to him being physical. I know you didn't plan on having the affair, niether did I, but we are the ones who have caused the pain. But, that doesn't mean we should never forgive ourselves or get forgiveness. I know for the last 2 yrs I have felt so ashamed and have felt so damaged for what I did. But I have decided that from this day on, I will forgive myself and love me. I wish you luck.