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My dear friend, marriedforever, took forever to recover and I noticed a big difference in her marriage and her attitude after she took this advice from Dr Harley over on the weekend forum: "Stop talking to each other about your husband's affair, and start learning to avoid disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. It makes it harder to put the past behind you when you talk about it. You bring the past into the present and relive the tragedy whenever it's discussed."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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In my H's defense, he does have trouble reading books. Although he is bright and well educated, reading books is difficult and slow. He listened to HNHN on CD but we haven't been able to find any others in any form but book. and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders are available on CD from the MB bookshop. There seems to be a 25% sale on at the moment.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Often the counselor gets me to voice feelings that I have but haven't said to my spouse . Mostly negative, some positive. Then he feels overwhelming guilt,which is not really what I want. Sounds like counseling isn't leading you to what you want, then. You can learn to voice your complaints to your husband without causing this guilt. You can learn to ask for what you need and request that something that is bothering you stop without dwelling on mistakes of the past, having angry outbursts, making demands, or being disrespectful. Marriage Builders excels at teaching this.  Some suggestions: "It bothers me when you ..." "I'd like it if you'd ..."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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In my H's defense, he does have trouble reading books. Although he is bright and well educated, reading books is difficult and slow. He listened to HNHN on CD but we haven't been able to find any others in any form but book. and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders are available on CD from the MB bookshop. There seems to be a 25% sale on at the moment. The home study course also comes with hours and hours of audio material. It's the closest you can get to an audio edition of Love Busters, apparently. Also, Marriage Builders radio is broadcast for free every day. And you can get older broadcasts all the way back to May for free online. And for $50 a year you can get unlimited access to broadcasts all the way back to 2006. I laundered my MP3 player a couple of weeks ago and have been Marriage Builders radio-less. It's been horrible. My new replacement arrived yesterday, and I'm excited.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm still looking for contact with someone who has survived an affair lasting 6 years or more. It would be really helpful to relate to someone with a similar situation -- and even better, it would be great to hear from someone who survived, saved their marriage and has been in the recovered mariage for a number of years. Thanks
BS(me) 47
WH 48
DDay 7/9/10
M 21 years
4 children,17,16,13, and 10
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Joined: May 2009
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I am still trying to save my marriage (in dark plan B) and the A was longer than 6 years.
Suppose it isn't any help for you since I am not in marriage recovery at this moment (still trying to out last the A), but I think that it is what you do once the A is discovered that matters more than how long the A was.
At least that is the approach I am taking.
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It has been done. Can't recall who.
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What about Brokenvase and Cantgetitrights' threads?
They are husband and wife and he had an affair for a long time, if I recall correctly.
Last edited by BrainHurts; 01/26/11 11:28 AM.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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I'm still looking for contact with someone who has survived an affair lasting 6 years or more. It would be really helpful to relate to someone with a similar situation -- and even better, it would be great to hear from someone who survived, saved their marriage and has been in the recovered mariage for a number of years. Thanks Start the clock at D day. Mr pep's A lasted 18 months. I suspect Mr Pep's A might have gone on for another couple of years at a severely reduced intensity if it had not been discovered/exposed. He was already getting tired of it, but was content to just let things cool off and see OW infrequently. His A ended the day of exposure. His fog lasted about another 6 months, but I suspect that was due, in part, to his alcoholism more than his adultery. We are recovered 15 years. How is your energy level holding up? You question makes me think you are getting tired of this. Are you?
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My energy does wane at times. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend and that seemed to rejuvenate H's interest in trying to improve our marriage and fortify it against an affair. That helped, but at times I just am bogged down in doubts that we can make it through this. It was at least 6 years probably more like 8 - 10 years of lying to me. Sort of hard to believe he could start being honest now. Also hard to believe he held me in any kind of esteem all the time he was "escaping" with the OW.
BS(me) 47
WH 48
DDay 7/9/10
M 21 years
4 children,17,16,13, and 10
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There is a MB couple who had a 26 year history of WHs repeated infidelities.
They are attempting recovery.
They went to a MB weekend and are getting help from the Harleys.
Have you considered calling the Harleys?
I will look for their threads to link so you can read them.
It's a terrible story, much worse than yours.
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Sad so Sad another thread Greenmile's first thread (he was still lying to one and all) Greenmile - home from the hospital The BW started out posting as SadSoSad.
It turns out her WH (poster "GreenMile")
had been seeing prostitutes for 26 years.
Later, she changed her name to MadSoMad.
After that, she went by the name, DancesWithGoats (you had to be there to understand).
They went to a MB weekend ... and no longer post on the public board (on private board)
So ........ you are not the first "customer" who has had a spouse who has cheated a loooooooong time
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Well,the truth keeps trickling in. Now I know for sure it was 8 years, not 6. Radical Honesty is a great goal and hopefully we'll get there,but clearing up all the lies sure is painful!For both of us.
BS(me) 47
WH 48
DDay 7/9/10
M 21 years
4 children,17,16,13, and 10
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