Not presenting myself as an expert in anything except in being a "guy" for going on sixty years, but I am here to help, if you'd like.

Here's what Doormat had to say (I highlighted in red a particularly accurate statement that I, too, experience]:

Originally Posted By: Doormatnomore
@patriot45,

I hope you don't mind me chiming in again.

When she comes back, you have just one job: be the husband she needs.

* PROTECT HER from your anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later." Walk away and do something else if that happens.

* PROTECT YOURSELF from her anger, disrespect, and demands by learning to say "This conversation isn't safe for me right now. I'd love to talk later. Walk away and do something else if that happens.

* MEET HER NEEDS, particularly affection and conversation, by asking "How can I help you?" and "How do you feel if...?" questions, as well as demonstrating physical affection and finding ways to show her you are always thinking about her.

* INVITE HER TO MEET YOUR NEEDS using thoughtful requests and respectful persuasion. Frame each request or persuasion attempt in your mind using "How would you feel about..." or "I'd love it if..." questions/statements that avoid use of the word "YOU" anywhere in them. Think "I'd love it if we could find a way to meet my need for openness & honesty together", or "How would you feel about taking a few days off work so we can be together?" Don't expect a lot of results for several weeks or months, though, until her addiction wears off.

* SPEND UNINTERRUPTED TIME TOGETHER, a bare minimum of 15 hours per week (but shoot for 30!). Ensure during this time you are giving one another undivided attention without distractions. This may mean booking flights together if she goes out of town from now on (and finding a nanny), or coming to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement of a change in her job responsibilities to avoid spending overnights away from you ever again.

* BE HONEST with her about your feelings in a non-judgmental way. "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about all that has happened" or "I am happy you are home."

* REWARD HER HONESTY by learning to say "Thank you for being honest" while not allowing yourself to become defensive even if her honesty sounds accusatory. Do not interrupt to correct her, and practice expressing how her accusations make you feel rather than stating why they are wrong.

* ESTABLISH EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to prevent recidivism, as recommended in "Surviving An Affair". Discover the real reasons the affair happened. Hint: none of the real reasons will blame you. They will all deal with her, her feelings, and her own precautions, or possibly joint precautions. Part of those EPs, though, is complete and radical honesty with you for the rest of her life... enforced through whatever technological or process changes you think are appropriate to make sure you know even when she doesn't want you to know.

Remember those EPs include your full access to every password, every account, every mailing, any and every piece of information that you need to reassure yourself she's not having another affair. Complete, absolute transparency. Remind her it's not a punishment, but a way to fill your emotional need for openness & honesty.

* EXPECT APPROACH-AVOIDANCE. She may have the attraction/repulsion dynamic going on here, wanting to be with you when she's away from you, and wanting to be away from you when she's with you. Figure out what repulses her -- probably Love Busters -- and find ways to remedy them together.

Remember always that she is totally responsible for how you feel about her, and you are totally responsible for how she feels about you. You cannot change your own feelings toward her: she must. She cannot change her own feelings toward you: you must. Treat that as a sacred responsibility to nurse her back to health after these horrible, tragic events occurred. They happened completely due to her own decisions, but she needs time to heal, nonetheless.

Expect withdrawal.

To sum up again:
* PROTECTION
* CARE
* TIME
* HONESTY
* EXCLUSIVE NEED-MEETING
* POJA

Expect her honesty to grow with time, and for her to have some difficulty talking about things at first. Remember that EVERY conversation about the affair has a cost in Love Units withdrawn when she accesses that memory bank. Plan to keep such conversations to a minimum. It's helpful to write down your questions and plan to discuss them at a certain time on a certain day each week so you can keep those Love Unit Withdrawals to a minimum. Avoid "Why" questions, if you have them, and focus on "What", "When", "Where", and "With Whom" questions, because "Why" questions can be answered by understanding Love Bank balances, exclusive need-meeting, and independent behavior + dishonesty being requirements for conducting an affair.

Good luck, bro. We're here.
_________________________
Doormat_No_More (Formerly Barnboy)
Story for now (original lost in the Great MarriageBuilders Forum Purge of '09.)

* Her: FWW35, Me: FBH36
* 4 kids: DD14, DS12, DS8, DS6
* WW EA 01/09 thru 08/09.
* D-day 03/09, final D-Day 07/28/09 after proof via VAR.
* Found MarriageBuilders 08/01/09. "Plan Doormat" March through July, Plan A in August.
* NC sent. In recovery 08/25/09. Recovery is hard.