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Four women in one month that you texted about sexual relations and you have NO history of infidelity in the M and no sexual history with any of these women? I find it hard to believe, too. As his wife does, I'm sure. But in the slight chance that you haven't yet had a physical affair, you still needs to realize that what you have done (or at least admitted to) is just as damaging. Because even if you didn't have sex, you were headed in that direction. That's what your wife will remember.
FBW in recovery
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Suresh, In your original post you said you never met any of these OW. That they were "just college mates". Then in a later post you said one was an ex and you bumped into her and exchanged numbers. This is known as trickle truth. Trickle truth hurts more than anything. If you did tis to your wife no wonder she left.
What else have you not mentioned? Put it all out here. If your not being honest here then there is no hope for your marriage. Be honest and you'll get the help you'll need to attempt to recover your marriage and family.
Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet
Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
Separated Sept 08
DDay Dec 08
Plan A Mar 09
Plan B 16 Nov 09
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Suresh, sorry that you've put yourself in a spot.
There is a world of good advice here on these forums, but you may need a thick skin to absorb it.
I'm someone who went you one "better" and got into a full-blown affair. I just spent 4 hours driving home in a snowstorm & would like to spend the evening with my family, so I'm going to be brief, but stick around and ask questions if you've got some:
--You notice the skepticism of many posters here? That's a good illustration of how your wife views you right now. Your words have lost all credibility. Therefore, all you have left is actions. And naturally, the impact of your actions can be felt only over time.
--So, my first piece of advice is, be patient. You cannot expect a recommitment from your wife right away -- perhaps not in days, or weeks, or even months. But you will need to show persistence in trying to be the best husband you can be to her, even if you are separated.
--You may be acknowledging this a bit already, but please realize fully: In terms of danger to a marriage, there's basically zero difference between emotional and physical affairs. One leads to the other. I know: I got into an emotional affair, and that investment I made, in a relationship I never should have allowed even at the "friendship" level, was what paved the way for a physical affair. I should have been making that investment in my marriage all along.
--Boundaries: You need to have a boundary that does not allow intimate conversation with women who aren't your wife, nor even friendships with other women. The only friendships as such that I can have with women are actually couple-to-couple friendships, where my wife is in on every interaction. The same goes for you. Even some conversations that would be perfectly innocent if they were held in the presence of your spouse, are nefarious if they are held in secret from one's spouse -- because the very fact of secrecy establishes an intimacy, a confidence, external to the marriage. You must realize this, and re-draw your personal boundaries accordingly.
--Honesty: People who cheat on their spouses will lie, sometimes to protect themselves, sometimes out of a notion that they'll hurt their spouses by being truthful, and sometimes (more rarely) to protect the affair partner(s). You must realize that you cannot lie, shade the truth or attempt to make "clever" omissions, as this all will only dig you into a deeper hole. As you've been advised, "trickle-truth" will set you back, not help you forward. Right now, your wife hesitates to trust anything you say. The only way you can remedy this is by, consistently over time, being truthful.
--Extraordinary Precautions: Read about them on this site. In addition to what Dr. Harley has written, a guy who goes by the screen-name "HerPapaBear" has written some thoughtful advice on this topic. These are steps you must implement in order to begin to help your wife feel safe. You must be completely transparent in your communications (phone and e-mail), ensure that she has all of your passwords, change your mobile numbers or e-mail addresses (or close the accounts) by which you used to communicate with them, so that they cannot reach you as readily, and you must be able & completely willing to account for all of your time, are some of the main thoughts here.
--No Contact. Again, look it up on this site in the "search" feature. You must never have any further contact with any of the women with whom you've carried on these affairs. Moreover, it's advisable to write a "No Contact Letter" to each of them (there are samples that you can look up), which your wife approves, and which you send (verifiably for yuour wife) to each of your affair-partners, expressly stating that your relationship was improper, and is over, permanently, and that there'll be no further contact ever again.
--Emotional Needs. Look this up. Learn about them. Especially pay attention to what your wife's needs are, and strive to meet them, consistently. (It will be harder for you to do this if you're apart, but that's the spot you put yourself into, so you'll need to work harder.) Offer to help with your son. Offer to do chores that she needs done. Be completely transparent with her. Do so with no expectation of her reciprocating for the near term. You must get selfless. That's your only chance of pulling this thing back together.
I can offer you some hope that it IS possible to recover a marriage after an affair, and to make the marriage better than it ever was before the affair -- indeed, that has to be your goal, because the marriage you had before obviously wasn't strong enough. However, there is no guarantee that this will happen. You must somehow effect to demonstrate to your wife that you are committed, all-in, even without any guarantee or assurance from her, without any expectation of a near-term recommitment. Do that, and you'll give yourself at least a chance. But the decision to forgive will be up to her, and that may take a good bit of time.
P.S. Get the book "Surviving An Affair." It's a boook that may well have saved my marriage. You will learn much from it, about yourself, about your wife, and about what you must do now.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Suresh, sorry that you've put yourself in a spot.
There is a world of good advice here on these forums, but you may need a thick skin to absorb it.
I'm someone who went you one "better" and got into a full-blown affair. I just spent 4 hours driving home in a snowstorm & would like to spend the evening with my family, so I'm going to be brief, but stick around and ask questions if you've got some:
--You notice the skepticism of many posters here? That's a good illustration of how your wife views you right now. Your words have lost all credibility. Therefore, all you have left is actions. And naturally, the impact of your actions can be felt only over time.
--So, my first piece of advice is, be patient. You cannot expect a recommitment from your wife right away -- perhaps not in days, or weeks, or even months. But you will need to show persistence in trying to be the best husband you can be to her, even if you are separated.
--You may be acknowledging this a bit already, but please realize fully: In terms of danger to a marriage, there's basically zero difference between emotional and physical affairs. One leads to the other. I know: I got into an emotional affair, and that investment I made, in a relationship I never should have allowed even at the "friendship" level, was what paved the way for a physical affair. I should have been making that investment in my marriage all along.
--Boundaries: You need to have a boundary that does not allow intimate conversation with women who aren't your wife, nor even friendships with other women. The only friendships as such that I can have with women are actually couple-to-couple friendships, where my wife is in on every interaction. The same goes for you. Even some conversations that would be perfectly innocent if they were held in the presence of your spouse, are nefarious if they are held in secret from one's spouse -- because the very fact of secrecy establishes an intimacy, a confidence, external to the marriage. You must realize this, and re-draw your personal boundaries accordingly.
--Honesty: People who cheat on their spouses will lie, sometimes to protect themselves, sometimes out of a notion that they'll hurt their spouses by being truthful, and sometimes (more rarely) to protect the affair partner(s). You must realize that you cannot lie, shade the truth or attempt to make "clever" omissions, as this all will only dig you into a deeper hole. As you've been advised, "trickle-truth" will set you back, not help you forward. Right now, your wife hesitates to trust anything you say. The only way you can remedy this is by, consistently over time, being truthful.
--Extraordinary Precautions: Read about them on this site. In addition to what Dr. Harley has written, a guy who goes by the screen-name "HerPapaBear" has written some thoughtful advice on this topic. These are steps you must implement in order to begin to help your wife feel safe. You must be completely transparent in your communications (phone and e-mail), ensure that she has all of your passwords, change your mobile numbers or e-mail addresses (or close the accounts) by which you used to communicate with them, so that they cannot reach you as readily, and you must be able & completely willing to account for all of your time, are some of the main thoughts here.
--No Contact. Again, look it up on this site in the "search" feature. You must never have any further contact with any of the women with whom you've carried on these affairs. Moreover, it's advisable to write a "No Contact Letter" to each of them (there are samples that you can look up), which your wife approves, and which you send (verifiably for yuour wife) to each of your affair-partners, expressly stating that your relationship was improper, and is over, permanently, and that there'll be no further contact ever again.
--Emotional Needs. Look this up. Learn about them. Especially pay attention to what your wife's needs are, and strive to meet them, consistently. (It will be harder for you to do this if you're apart, but that's the spot you put yourself into, so you'll need to work harder.) Offer to help with your son. Offer to do chores that she needs done. Be completely transparent with her. Do so with no expectation of her reciprocating for the near term. You must get selfless. That's your only chance of pulling this thing back together.
I can offer you some hope that it IS possible to recover a marriage after an affair, and to make the marriage better than it ever was before the affair -- indeed, that has to be your goal, because the marriage you had before obviously wasn't strong enough. However, there is no guarantee that this will happen. You must somehow effect to demonstrate to your wife that you are committed, all-in, even without any guarantee or assurance from her, without any expectation of a near-term recommitment. Do that, and you'll give yourself at least a chance. But the decision to forgive will be up to her, and that may take a good bit of time.
P.S. Get the book "Surviving An Affair." It's a boook that may well have saved my marriage. You will learn much from it, about yourself, about your wife, and about what you must do now. Thanky you for your help. I will do everything that you have mentioned. I will do everything that I can to build the trust back. I have made a huge mistake and would never ever hurt her or let her down again. I can not risk it. Now that my wife has gone its made me realise what I want in life. I have already closed my emails and will create a new one and send her the password. I have made no contact with the women and never will. I will 100% change my number, im just waiting for my money to come in so I can buy a sim card and top it up to contact her. Only thing I can do at the moment is txt her. She wont txt back or answer my calls. I sent her a txt yesterday after reading a article apologizing and saying everything that I would do to buid the trust back. I would let her sell my phone and have no phone. I would close my emails and not open oneif she doesn't want me to. I would stay locked in the house with no money when she goes out if it had to come to it. Just to show her that im not doing anything when she is not her. thanks for the reply, it helps a lot.
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I will do everything that I can to build the trust back. I have made a huge mistake and would never ever hurt her or let her down again. I can not risk it. Now that my wife has gone its made me realise what I want in life. I have already closed my emails and will create a new one and send her the password. I have made no physical contact with the women and never will. I will 100% change my number, I'm just waiting for my money to come in so I can buy a sim card and top it up to contact her. Only thing I can do at the moment is txt her. She wont txt back or answer my calls....... I would let her sell my phone and have no phone. I would close my emails and not open one if she doesn't want me to. I would stay locked in the house with no money when she goes out if it had to come to it. Just to show her that I'm not doing anything when she is not here.
Tell her all of this.
- Take the words above, print them out, and if you have to, hire someone to hand-deliver them to her.
- Mail them to her, every day for months, if necessary.
- Take an ad out in the local paper, and have them printed there.
- Send a copy of this note to all of her friends, her family, your friends, your family.
- (Having them sky-written might be a bit over-the-top, but....)
You must sell her on the new you. Repetition of a consistent message is what closes sales of all kinds.
When she respoonds, even if it's "Why are you doing all this?", tell her in person. and then start living the life-gift she MIGHT give you.
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So I guess you are going to entirely ignore the post asking for more details on your four affairs? If this is the story you are giving your wife: I started txting 4 other women this january. The txts were sent as mates but if anyone was to read them they would think I was having an afair. I wrote some stupid things in them. Mentioning certain body parts and made it sound like I really like them. Then she isn't taking your claim of wanting to rebuild the M and her trust seriously and I wouldn't either.
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Pay for your own polygraph. Have your wive with you when tested.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Today I got to speek to my wife for the first time. She said she will be back in 3 weeks to think about what conditions to give me. I will agree with them all and stick to it. I am never going to make this mistake again. I really never want this to happen again. I relly want to learn more about mending trust. Can anyone please help
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Suresh, did you order SAA?
She told you she'd be back? If so, you've been given a gift.
And you've been given plenty of advice & help. Now get to work, read up on EP's, try to assess & list her emotional needs as best you can, and report back (list) what you've done. Be specific.
No one here is going to be able to cast some magic spell of healing on your marriage. You will need to rebuild it block by block, week by week & month by month.
Looking forward to seeing your lists.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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And you've been given plenty of advice & help. Now get to work, read up on EP's, try to assess & list her emotional needs as best you can, and report back (list) what you've done. Be specific.
Yes, it's up to you now to do the work. No more talk about how you don't want to this ever again. Report here exactly what you're doing and learning.
FBW in recovery
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And you've been given plenty of advice & help. Now get to work, read up on EP's, try to assess & list her emotional needs as best you can, and report back (list) what you've done. Be specific.
Yes, it's up to you now to do the work. No more talk about how you don't want to this ever again. Report here exactly what you're doing and learning. At the moment I am learning about christian marriage teachings. I can't order any books at the moment as I have very litle money. Im trying to find some articles on trust if anyone can help. That way I can build my self a foundation and rules.
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There are dozens of articles available for free on this website. Which ones have you read? Click on "How to Survive Infidelity" in the red box on the right of this page to get started. Im trying to find some articles on trust if anyone can help. That way I can build my self a foundation and rules. You won't find articles here about the benefits of spouses blindly trusting each other, but you will find articles about the benefits of accountability and transparency. Read this: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
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