hi everyone

please can any of you "sane" members help me put some perspective in place here.

I discovered my husbands affair at the beginning of 2010, he said it was all over etc etc etc, i was not convinced and installed the flexispy software onto his phone and my god was i shocked, to cut it short, he admitted he was in love with her and left me, although he didnt move in with her but got himself a rented place (she lives with her son and has never been married) - over the next few months i constantly listened to their lives unfolding and became aware that my own marriage was being relived, things he said, pet names, things he done, places he took her to - it was like watching a film.. this became unnerving because he was in constant contact with me, sometimes 10/15 times a day and he would tell me things were not going right, its not how it was supposed to turn out, he would come home for a day then say he has to go to her, really mind blowing stuff i asked him if she knew he was in contact with me still, he said only when i speak to you about the house and finances, this i know is true because i heard the conversations - this lasted until may when he messaged me to say he wished he could turn the clock back, what a mess he has caused, he would end it straight away if i would take him back - so home he came with all boundarys and conditions agreed.

here is where the confusion begins he has been open without fault with his phone, mails, post, never goes out without me, tells me about his day and has answered all my questions, BUT i know some answers have been lies, he still has contact with her for 1 day every 2 weeks (co-worker) and swears on his life that he has not seen or spoken to her, but i heard with my own ears the conversation that took place, when she said hello darling i have missed you, whats happening, he replied that he had come back home, he then said "you are not going to cause any trouble are you" to that she started shouting and getting very abusive, he left the room, there have been a few other communications but nothing that shouts warnings, since then i have continued using the flexispy and outside of this one day a fortnigh there has been nothing to report at all, when he says where he has been, who he has seen, its all completely true, but he is till adamant that he has no contact what so ever with her.

any advice please

Excellent work young lady on the Flexispy,

Don't ever tell him !!!! as you know it's effective as long as he is unaware of it

I hope you have had a chance to read Surviving an Affair, by Dr Harley, if not you need it yesterday!!! It will give you a game plan to see you thru this mess your in.

In the book it talks about waywards trying to brake off with the lover and then reconnecting, so in this respect your WH (wayward husband) is normal, (not that makes you feel any better).


The book spells out the plan for you,

Expose the affair to the light of day, that means telling everyone who might have an influence on your WH

Having your WH write a No Contact letter to that woman (OW or POSOW, take your pick ) the book has examples, block her phone number, sounds like they work together, if so he will need to change jobs,

All these things you will ask of him to do are the result of HIS ACTIONS, not yours, you didn't have the A, and these are reasonable needs for a recovery to take place.

Get a Plan A started which is meeting your WH most important needs and don't do negative things to push him away, You want to show him you can be a model wife, the girl he once fell in love with.

Continue to snoop and watch for slip-ups, the one thing you can count on is for him to lie to you. So snooping will do 2 things for you, 1 it will help you nail him when he slips up and 2nd it will give you some peace when he is truthful, and begins to show signs of being the man he once was.

I know you have been at this for awhile, you have a long way to go, and it will be hard. This board has a wealth of people with sound advice that can help you thru the process. From what I see in your first post I think there is an excellent chance you can save your marriage, no question about it it's a tight rope and you'll need help to stay on it.

By the way it would help us all to know

How long have you been marred ?
Is this the 1st, or how many others for each of you???
Do you have any kids, how many???
Date you first found out ?????

OH yeah, Welcome to MB's sorry your here, my prayer is that 2 years from now you'll be a vet here in recovery offering advice.

Sorry you are here but welcome. There is no confusion here, Recovery does not take place unless NO CONTACT is firmly in place. That means no texting, phone calls, facebook and absolutely they cannot work together.

Please read this link:
Read My Lips: No Contact Means No Contact

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

My advice would be to try and recover the marriage. That cannot ever happen until all contact ends. As long as he sees her at work, she stays top of mind, so you are looking at an on again, off again affair for years. This is your future. And you are facing a death of a thousand cuts. She will continue to pursue him and soon enough she will succeed. Recovery is impossible as long as they work together. It is also impossible for you to recover when he sees her at work.

All you have now is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and you are both more likely to have an affair now than back then.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDSp. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

p.s. there is nothing confusing here at all. Waywards lie. When they see each other, as your H and his OW do, he will lie. And when his anger blows over and he decides to resume his affair, he will lie. Liars lie.

He might not have jumped into bed yet, but it is just a matter of time.

Sorry you have had to find yourself here, doubting. Listen to what has been posted to you.

My FWH's A was with a co-worker as well. They were exposed by her husband at the workplace and to me. Her H made her quit.

My H was thankful he was exposed, because he wanted to end the A and didn't know how. Every time they saw each other they were triggered, and although they had stopped the physical part of the A, the emotional part continued through office emails and just seeing each other every day. I have no doubt that the physical part would have resumed without intervention by her husband.

We have completely recovered. We could not have done that if they had continued to work together. He has told me that he realizes that he would have had to quit his job if she hadn't quit first. He acknowledges that they could not have worked together without the A continuing. That's straight from a recovererd wayward's mouth.

Your H needs to leave that job.

As others have said, your husband must quit that job.

My W did the exact same thing...an EA for several months with a co-worker, then a month or two of "working" on the marriage all while working with OM. They "agreed" not to talk about anything but work. Yeah, that worked out real well.

After about two months they got back together and, boy, did she lie so well about it! I was shocked at how convincing she was when she lied.

Finally, I exposed to family and told her to quit her job. She quit her job that same day (no notice), agreed to NC, wrote the NC letter and is going through withdrawal now.

The affair will resume unless he quits the job. Financially, it's rough but what's the price for your marriage?

Even 15 years after my A with the OW, if I hear certain songs, I am triggered with memories, etc. I agree about the zero contact. It absolutely, positively will never end if he continues to communicate with her in any form!

The OW might as well be heroin to your H. Contact = drug use. The drug use has to end completely in order to recover.

Thank all for your replies so quickly, and my "late response" this is due to the timezone difference.

i will be a bit more detailed now as i was very afraid that admitting to the flexispy would put me into a privacy invader scenario:

ME: 51
FWH: 49
DD: 23

1st suspect Nov 09
install flexispy jan10
confronted and admission 27/jan 10 and H left that night
returned may 10

i exposed to everyone i could think of when he 1st left including all the social networking sites....it seems as usual i was the last to know and it had no effect at all

only chance husband and OW to cross paths is once every 2 weeks, when 1st discovered they were in close contact every day - since he has returned home, he has changed area, and they come into contact for maybe 2 minutes a time and never alone, also present at this time of being in same room is my brother.
he is way from me for appx 3 hours at this 2 weekly event and i listen to every second of that time using the spycall feature, and apart from the big lie i explained in my 1st post there has been no other discussions between them only yes or no answers to work related questions. he sends me photos across to my phone when i ask him where he is and they always match what i can hear.

the fact that he has not admitted the 1st conversation still bugs the hell out of me and sadly i just cant let it go, he does get quite angry if i mention it but keeps saying "why do you keep asking me the same question, NO how many times NO I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO HER" - he says he goes into the meeting room with everyone else (appx 40 people) signs his documents gets his work order and leaves to go to his work area ( all true)

a big downside of the spyphone is that i heard alot of their conversations where he promised her the world, just as he always did me and times now when he says what i always considered romatic things between us for years, but i know he has said to her, it really makes me feel sick to my boots and it fills me with the urge to tell him to jog on. in case anybody is thinking....NO i turned it off if things between them became intimate.


Am i being niave and just not seeing whats there or is there any hope for me to forget., i am still very very down and weepy when i am alone and it is starting to affect my health badly.

Even those trivial yes/no questions are probably a trigger for him. Every time he sees her he thinks about her and resets his clock, not allowing himself to fully separate from her and start on recovery.



...and it's a big trigger for you, obviously. His reaction (getting defensive/angry) sounds like the typical reaction of someone that feels guilty about something. It sounds as though he's trying to make you feel guilty for asking so that you'll drop the subject. He's not the victim, here.



For both of your sakes, I'd say he needs to quit that job or perhaps a transfer--anything to break even the momentary contact--so that she gets out of his mind and you two can really work on the marriage.

doubting, this is exactly why NC is the first step from recovering from an affair...just the tiniest bit of contact will keep your H stuck in the fog, evidenced by the fact that he is still lying and keeping things from you and getting angry when questioned. that is classic wayward gaslighting...

My H had a workplace affair and he only saw OW 1-2 times a week for a month after dday. He did not totally defog until he left and there was 100% NC for a few weeks. He will be the first person to tell you that affair partners cannot work together, no matter how minimal the contact.

Have you exposed to the workplace? There is a template letter that we can post for you. I would do that and demand that he end all contact. If he will not, I would then prepare for Plan B because this is not a healthy situation for you...Dr H says women suffe nervous breakdowns from this type of abuse. Hang in there.

doubting, this path crossing has to end. They will trigger every time they see each other, and you will die a death of a thousand cuts having to deal with it. You cannot recover your M while they are still seeing each other. It's as simple as that.

You've confirmed this conversation, correct? So of COURSE you can't let it go! Your mind is telling you that he's lying about this, so what else is he lying about? He needs to come clean with all the info you require so you can put it into your true marital history and then move forward. Lying to you is keeping you stuck.

Here's something you need to understand, and maybe it will help you: waywards stick to what works. They've got their language of romance down pat, and sadly, it's probably what they said when they romanced and won their spouse. They aren't going to come up with a lot of new phrases - why bother? It worked once, didn't it?

My FWH admitted to saying some things that were special to us (there are things we no longer say to each other because he used those words with OW.) He's ashamed of that, and is sorry for it, but said there are only so many romantic things a person can say. I agree with his point.