I can't get information if I am not on the loan application. I am looking into Lawyers today. I have to see one ASAP, I should have done already done it. My mistake. (gave myself a 2x4 for you) I guess I thought after exposure he would at least move out quietly. I have to go the legal route. I know it is common here (sadly) but I have trouble wrapping my brain around how someone who used to have a great moral, ethical and financial compass could become a person lacking in all. I person that the old H I used to know would despise.

Hey, I just thought of something. I can just ask WH if the loan is going through. Why didn't I think of that before?



Just having a little laugh at myself this morning.

Just got the mail today. I "accidentally" opened something for WH. It was a collection notification. He has been getting them regarding the apartment he rented 2 years ago. (Duh, I know) He signed a 12 month lease (told me it was 6) and wrote a letter to the managers at the 6 month mark claiming he was moving over seas and needed to get out of the lease. Yea, like they weren't going to check that little fact. So WE owe because of HIS actions. This notification says that they have reported it to all 3 credit agencies. So, as I thought he got rejected for a mortgage because of his own stupidity. Well that and the fact that he doesn't have a job. I put the opened mail with the rest of his unopened mail. I will tell him I opened it by accident. I know he won't believe me but that's not my problem. It will send him a clear message that I know he has been avoiding dealing with it and that is the reason it got rejected not because I was late paying the mortgage this month. He can blame me all he wants, the TRUTH is in the collection notifications.

Don't lie. Just say, "Married people don't have secrets from each other." Every time he complains or accuses you of violating his privacy, repeat it.

You can't get information from the bank, but you can sure give it. I would call up, ask to talk to a manager, and let them know very nicely that you and WH are still married, not legally separated, and they will need to have you sign a quitclaim if any deal in the future is to go through, as well as receiving paperwork from the bank specifically stating that you are not liable in the event that WH skips on them. Be sure to ask for the full name and title of the person you talk to, and write it down.

That will help to protect you, and get an additional bit of exposure done, too. Once they know you're in the picture, they would be fools to proceed without having you sign off.

Thanks for the advice Neak.
I didn't have to say anything about the letter that came in. He took the mail and went through it. He saw it, he knows I saw it but didn't mention it.

Here's a little update. WH went to a concert Saturday night (must be nice) and didn't come home. I thought he was gone, wrong. He came home Sunday morning like nothing was going on. He was fast asleep on the couch when I took the kids to church at 6pm. After church was youth group so we didn't get home until after 9. He was still here and ended up spending the night on the couch. He got up in the morning yesterday, got dressed and headed out. I got an e-mail from him. He mentioned finances etc. and then told me he was going to his mom's in the afternoon. I didn't read it until the evening. As I suspected, he made it a light visit with no talk of what is going on. I am sure he made it seem like he was doing it for her but we all know it was an evasion move.

He came home all happy and in a good mood. Mentioned they made brownies etc. It was his not to subtle way of letting me know I didn't fool her into believing my lies. Gotta have another talk with her, she is going to be angry about the latest crap he is pulling and the fact that he is still lying to her. His family are the ones that can have the greatest impact but they are so messed up it isn't helping.

I went to the store with the food card. No food came into this house and I knew he used it but I didn't know how much he spent. (I know, STUPID me) There was around $250 left when he used it. There was $31.09 left. At one point last night I casually asked him what he bought with the card because I didn't notice anything new and I want to make sure I don't buy duplicate items. I really caught him off guard with that question. He stumbled with his words trying to think fast. He mumbled Pizza and some other stuff. I forget, I will have to look at the list. Ummm... yea.

Today we finally had a talk. There were tense moments where he started to get angry but I managed to keep things down. I may have LB'd a little but over all I think I did well. He brought up the stories I was telling people. I told him I told people the truth. He tried to get me to bite on that one. What he did say that shows a change is he said "your truth" not "lies and slander" We talked about the kids and he insinuated I talked to the kids with out running it by me per our agreement and I was keeping him from talking to them. I told him I told them the truth. They deserve to know the truth, they are living in this house and they see what is going on. I also said I am not keeping him from talking to his own children, he can talk to them any time he wants. We talked about him moving out and my parents coming. He said "You told me you didn't want me here when they get here." (I said they were coming and I'm sure he doesn't want to be here) I told him, you said you were done 3 months ago. I can't put my life on hold for you. Some back in forth there but I made my points about this being his decision and not what I wanted. I want my old H back. I told him the terms. etc. He also said something about papers arriving soon. I asked him if he filed. He said "Well, I am in the process." (ok) I brought up the fact that there was only $31.09 left on the card and it wasn't even enough to cover what I bought yesterday so we don't have any $ to feed the kids until the 10th. THAT one hit him, that I know. Then I got up and went about my business. He didn't move for a while. A little later our paths crossed and I said nicely "Did you eat? would you like me to make you some eggs?" He mumbled no thank you. After a while he lightened up and we talked pleasantries. I was on the lap top looking at coupon sites when he came over and told me he was heading out for a bit. (I could tell he was feeling uneasy) I said "oh, ok." He stood there for a bit then moved closer to me, put his hand on my shoulder and started squeezing it. I put my hand on his, he didn't move his hand. I got up to give him a little hug. It turned into a long tight hug. Then he said "ok, I'll see you later." and walked off. My laptop is right by the front door and he didn't go that way so I thought he went to get something. It took about 5 minutes to realize he went out through the garage. Is someone feeling a little guilty?

So, how do you guys think I did?

I think you did great, lglg. Considering I would have tossed him out on his ear by now

I am worried that he is using your house as a flophouse, coming and going as he pleases without any spousal effort at all. And what worries me about that is that puts you in danger of having your love bank completely drained, with no room for recovery.

Tell us about Plan B. What are your thoughts on that?

I did toss him out remember? He came back! He's like a darn stray cat.
He IS using me and the kids as a cover (pretending he is a family man) We talked about this today. I didn't say what I just told you. I told him it was unfair to the kids that he moved back in with out consulting me knowing he was only staying for a while and still planning to move out for good. (Blah Blah) I told him now the little one thinks everything is fine and she is going to be crushed when she is told the truth. He said something like "You're going to talk to her?" I said "You can tell her, I think that is a great idea" I also mentioned the other kids know the truth and know you are only here for a little while. They are smart, they see what is going on. Right now I can not make him leave. I have an appointment with a lawyer. I have to legally make him leave. I have been working on my plan B letter but I am having some problems wording it. I know I am supposed to say something about me creating an environment that made is affair possible. I KNOW I have made mistakes but I just can't say that. You know my stitch, it's a mess. I am also having trouble finding an IM. I have asked a couple of non-family members but they aren't comfortable doing it and I understand. I may have to use a family member for now and switch it in the future when I find the right person. I am thinking of asking his sister, he will love that.

Plan B day is fast approaching. It's exactly one week from today. (But who is counting) That is the day my parents arrive and they will be here for a couple of weeks. My mom will stay longer if I need her to.

Speaking of mom. WH said I didn't want him here when they get here. What I said was "I'm sure you won't want to be here when they get here." I didn't correct that today. What is he thinking? (I know) I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks if he is here they will just talk about things like always. My dad wants to kill him! So back to mom, what do you think about me bringing the subject up. Correct the misunderstanding of what I said. Then say "If you want to talk to mom I am sure she will talk to you." If he says yes, game on! I will give my mom some advice on what his tactics are (avoiding blame shifting) and let her loose.

Any time he tries to say, "You told me to..." just shrug, smile, and say, "It's your choice."

Also, I would change the pin on your card TODAY. I think you can do that over the phone, but do whatever you have to do to protect that important resource.

I am very bad, but I would (after changing the pin to something he cannot possibly guess), leave it in a very accessible place WITHOUT telling him it's changed. Let him explain to the cashier as he tries over and over and over again.

"Of course I changed the pin, WH. I will do whatever it takes to make sure our babies get the food they need, and that it doesn't get diverted outside the family."

Neak,
I would LOVE to do that. I did change the pin and hid the card. He can't use it anyways (neither can I) because it doesn't reload until the 10th. I will be so dark by then I won't be able to see my own feet.

Now you have me fantasizing about WH ringing up hundreds of dollars of food and having the card rejected. It's making me giggle.

I am still working on my plan B letter. I am having trouble because I don't have an OW name. It is more of a WH dating and HO'ing around. I also don't have 100% proof he is doing coke but all signs point there. I know he has mental & Psychiatric issues. I will try to address those as best as I can.

Still haven't gotten a yes for an IM. I asked SIL and I am waiting to hear back. I know I should try to find a non-family member but I can't find someone who will be neutral. Most people want to rip him a new one right now and have told me just that when I asked them.

Then don't mention a name. Instead of "NC with OW" it will be "NC with any OW's, precautions to demonstrate to me that there will be no more OW's, and continuing treatment for your substance abuse issues, and complete honesty regarding all of the above".

Thanks Neak. I was at the pharmacy yesterday and saw a home cocaine test kit. I thought if only I could get him to pee in a cup. I almost bought it anyways. I am not doing WH's laundry so he as been piling it in the corner of the LR. I snooped there a little while ago. I found a hand mirror that had been in our bathroom right by his stuff. I went through his clothes carefully feeling for anything. As I put his clothes back the way there were, I noticed a rolled up ball of aluminum foil. I should have bought the test. So I know I should test it but I think I need a witness to see where it was and what the test shows. While I am testing I should test the razor blade in the bathroom. I think he is doing it in the house in our bathroom. Of course he is also doing it when he isn't here.
Any advice on how to proceed with this would be gratefully appreciated. I don't expect him back here until later tonight but I only have so much time in between kids stuff to test it and figure out what to do. Now I feel very confident I can say treatment for cocaine abuse.

Why not call the police and ask them if you can bring in those items for testing? Tell them you strongly suspect your H is doing cocaine, and why.

It's not your job to protect him from the full consequences of his choices - it is your job to protect your kids and get him out of the house asap till he has a track record of trustworthy, abuse-free behavior.

I think you should test it so you can tell him you did. It won't be unimpeachable to anyone else, but who cares? YOU'LL know without a doubt, and he'll know that you do. It will lend you more mental mettle to move to Plan B, you know?

Thanks to you both. Both ideas sound good. I am not sure what angle to take. I will think about it (not long just a get my head together time) and buy the kit so I have it on hand.

Either way I will let those I exposed to know what I found. Any more advice would be welcomed. I don't want to miss anything that may help.

Marritalbliss, you were right. I thought he was doing cocaine. He behavior was clearly showing that is the case but I had no solid proof. Now I have proof I can actually see and touch. I don't know a lot about cocaine but I do know people use mirrors I'm not sure why, maybe so they can see if they missed some? I am guessing they wrap it in aluminum foil. Again I don't know why, maybe it doesn't stick to it or so they can see it better?
When I confront him there will be the usual denial and he will go further underground correct? So I have to expose the latest info before I confront him right?

I don't know who wants me to move to Plan B more, you or me! Just 5 more days. Less if after I confront him he leaves and doesn't come back or call me.

Also, should I take pictures of where everything is? I am thinking it won't hurt and may help.

Also maybe video tape me testing everything with something on the video that shows the date?

More thoughts and questions.
When I confront WH do I show him what I tested or just tell him I found his drug paraphernalia and tested it?

I know I have to tell the kids what I found. Should I show them the test results? Would it be a good idea or a bad idea test it in front of them after I tell them what I found? I will explain to them that I am showing them what I found not to shame dad but to wake him up. I am pretty sure they know I am doing this out of love. I am trying to get dad to realize he has a problem and needs to seek help.