Martialbliss - thanks for that post. I'm at the beginning of this journey and I don't know where it will lead. I do see the sequence of events playing out in that way a lot of times. It's all just so sad to me.

MB - Super post! Direct and tough, but not ......condescending(?). The thing that you and I and most of the respondants know, that DCM2 is as yet unaware of, is that she is now in Affair La-La-Land, and considers things, both of her own conjecture, and what she reads here, through those "All-Will-Be-Grand" glasses.

DCM2, as evidence of what I mean, let me ask you what answers you EXPECTED to receive from this site? THIS SITE! This site is composed of folks who have (apologies to the valiant WS's) taken the nasty blows of our betraying spouses, the humiliation, the despair, the shame, and decided to try to fight through to restore the marriage anyway. We have folks here who have contracted diseases passed through their WS's from the AP's; we have folks here who have had their spouses present them with children-products of those affairs. And they decided to fight through.

Most succeeded, some failed. But their commitment was to fight, and try to repair.

You approached us, and asked what to do. But, given your staunch rejection of any suggestion that you cannot keep your AP in your life, you really don't want our answers. I get the feeling that you (again, remember the "glasses") somehow expected us here, all of whom are much more acquainted with the realities of affairs, to somehow set aside our prejudices toward repair and recovery, because by acclamation, we would all realize YOUR affair was "special". It's not special. It's the same tawdry, ugly, opportunistic story we've heard before. The only thing unique about this thread is that you, the current WS, are the one asking for advice, and not accepting it as offered.

Analogy time:

We here at MB are the best auto-restorers in the world, taking vehicles that have been severely damaged, and putting them back in car-show condition.

You bring your vehicle in, after you and your hubby have dinged the fenders a few times, and want our recommendation to send it to the crusher. You're not going to get that here.

Or maybe she'll be sitting all alone at Christmas. Her child is with daddy. Her boyfriend... the guy she turned her world upside down for... is still married. She is still waiting. He is with his family, while hers has been destroyed.

Odds are so stacked against this becoming a marriage.

I know you won't believe it DC, but the odds of you falling in love with your husband again and living happily-ever-after are MUCH higher than you being able to get a happy ending with your affair partner.

Unacceptable to whom? It is perfectly acceptable to me.


If you think people on this forum are going to aide and abet a filthy affair, you have another thing coming. Folks will help you end your affair, but they will not help you pursue it.

And we would be remiss if we didn't point out the vile thing that you are doing to your child. I want to know how you will explain your sleazy behavior to your daughter? Do you want her to grow up to be loose and promiscuous like her mother? Is it ok for your daughter to sacrifice her principles, and any honor and decency in the pursuit of some cheap action with a married man?

Sorry if you don't like hearing that, but it is the truth of your behavior. And you sure do need to hear it. You have enveloped yourself in some bizarre fantasy world where you are disconnected from reality. And no one here will help you in your flight from truth, most especially ME. That would be unaccepable to me.

So, if you want help doing the right thing here, we will help you. But we won't help you act like a skank with a married man. We care too much.

Two rights don't make a wrong. And your H is not here trying to rationalize his pig pen behavior, you are. All the affairs in the world won't justify your affair. All the bad behavior in the world won't rationalize the fact that you are behaving like a skank with a married man and intending on selfishly destroying your child's life so can chase some other woman's husband.

My apologies to pigs for the insulting comparison.

Hey Dcmama2,

Just to let you know, you're fantasy of the affair marriage to your lover WILL crumble and it will feel much more painful.

Why? ALMOST ALL affairs end, and end badly.

Take for example, my xh.

He married the ow quickly after our divorce.

He began cheating on her immediately and they had not one moments' peace.

He called her to my face "my life" and "my soulmate". Funny thing though Dcmama, my xh told me to my face last year, he REGRETTED his actions and wished our future ended differently. Too bad for the cheater though, I'm already happily remarried to a very faithful man

Their divorce should be final ANY DAY now. So much for the "soulmate" huh?

Your bf doesn't respect you if he'll cheat with you. There is an old saying, if you cheat with him, he'll cheat on you. And he WILL.

Your destiny with the other man is written in stone. It will fail and fail miserably. Suffer from depression do you? Well it will feel horrible and even more painful.

Not to mention how sad your children will feel and the UNDUE PAIN YOU are putting ON THEM. Yep. Kids adjust but it comes WITH A PRICE. My son is 12 now, and refuses to see his father anymore. Incidentally, everything melodylane told you is right.

I have 100 percent custody.

You are putting your children in harms' way, opening yourself up to a life of even more pain, and more suffering, and of shame and sadness if you try to legitimize this shady affair you're in.

If you wish to live in the light of day, walk in the way of truth, then we have tools here which can help you leave the destructive affair.

If you choose not to listen or try to get help here to save your marriage from your harmful and shameful actions, then please send your betrayed husband to the divorced/divorcing site here so we can make sure he takes you for all you're worth and protects his children from the pain you WILL cause ALL of them forever.

A divorce is forever in case you forgot. It does split a family and it is something that inflicts pain for years and years. And odds are, it would be YOU feeling the most pain as the adulterer in years to come.

I hope you wake up.

I have a question...

If this affair is so right, and he is your soul mate then why not tell everyone about the good news? Your family, ur bh family, friends, om wife, his family, children, etc....

If you are reading this and your are scared to expose this affair then....

IT IS WRONG!!!!

Yea, go ahead. Shout it from the rooftops if it's so much of a good thing or a good decision.

Can you?

Can you confide in your friends and coworkers and family how you two REALLY met each other? How will they feel WHEN THEY DO find out about the affair?

Oh yea, I forgot. You CAN'T. Why? Because nobody wants to let their secret of being in a DIRTY, NASTY AFFAIR out. It's making you nothing but a dirty little secret.

How will your neighbors, relatives, and friends at church feel?

And finally, if it is so right, how will YOU feel when the kids cry when there are VISITATIONS and they are packed up and shuffled from home to home just because mommy had "urges" and didn't want to save her family. Nice ain't it.

You want the truth? I lived it. So did my x (who is divorcing his other woman now).

You want the truth? I don't know if you can handle the reality of the truth, if you did, you'd turn your back and run away from the destruction a selfish affair causes everyone it touches.

My Wh hasn't hung out with friends with his POSOW EVER!!!! Almost all of them have said they don't want to meet her, or see her. She comes to his work... they park at the end of the parking lot. She hasn't met ANY of his coworkers. No going out to dinner with friends. Do you think you can go shopping without running into anyone? NOPE/... and believe me.... they will be snickering. AT YOU. What about work parties or picnics? Will you be able to bring him around? Believe me, word WILL get out... and it usually does. COURTESY OF FOLKS LIKE ME, AND OTHER BSs THAT HAVE BEEN WHERE i AM. He hasn't said ANYTHING to anyone about him "possibly" moving in with her. Why??? B/C HE IS ASHAMED. He lost a bunch of weight... he's gained most back. He's hiding behind a nasty looking beard. She has packed on the pounds and looks horrible. They BOTH look miserable.

She goes to church but you know what.... everyone is staring at her. My WH won't go to church any more.

Wanna know what has happened to my kids??? My kids cry when their father brings them back after the weekend. Then, for 2 nights, they usually wander into my bed in the middle of the night to snuggle with me. why?? B/c they are soooo insecure. My oldest.... who is 5... is now in COUNSELING. Why?? b/c his fathers snank told her 6 yr old son that his father is moving in to their house, they are getting married, and he is going to be his FATHER. And, the POSOW is now SCREAMING at my WH in front of my kids. And he sees stuff they are doing that NO young child should see. This too could be your child. And my 3 yr old..... boy does he have aggression issues, especially after he's been with his father.

And before I forget, yes you cheated on your BH. Your OM cheated on his BW. But, are you a serial cheater? Is he? I tell you what.... my WH ow is a SERIAL CHEATER. So bad that EVERY guy she has ever been with she has now cheated on. Her ex BF told me that they broke up b/c he cheated on him... with 2 other guys... at the same time. If this is your OM, then you can guarantee the next victim will be you.

My kids went through their first Christmas morning this past month without their father. He had to drop them off on Christmas Eve and believe me, it wasn't easy. I make sure that EVERY holiday is uneasy for him.... and I hope your BH does the same.

My kids already say on a regular basis that their father is listening to satan and they wish he would stop lying all the time. They know he lies... they have caught him.

STOP what you are doing and FIX your family. IF that doesn't work, then you need to take time to FIX YOURSELF. GUARANTEED, the problems you had in your present marriage will resurface....

Can you please come back and tell us why this affair is so special. Can you please let us in on how it is different?

I know we're coming down on you with the truth, which might sound like simply being mean, but seriously, this is the truth.

Are you ready Dc to go down that road and put your family thru hell? Or are you drinking the kool-aid believing everybody will be all right after you leave for your affair partner?

I challenge you right now to read MB principles and read about how you can restore love to your marriage and save it before you're like my xh, looking in from the outside, wishing he had a second chance to make his life different today and guess what. He can't. He lost it all. That is the price of adultery.

What peachy is saying is exactly right. We aren't being mean... just truthful. It's not only what's right... but what is best for everyone involved. And affairs.... they just mess up EVERYONE!

BINGO!

It is very common for WSs (especially WWs) to complain/rationalize that they �feel trapped� and/or that their BH �is so controlling�. What they are really rebelling against is their own guilt and shame for stabbing their BS in the back and betraying him/her (in a way that they would never want done to them).

Out come the �my husband/wife/marriage is so bad�I can�t be happy anymore� excuses!

Isn�t it amazing how someone�s values, standards, and marriage-vows always become so �inconvenient� and �no longer applicable� soon after they get themselves entangled in adultery?

Funny�those vital things didn�t feel so restrictive, burdensome, and �in the way� beforehand, did they? Hmmm, what changed? YOU DID, Mr./Mrs. Wayward Spouse�.YOU DID BY CHEATING ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

Of course he's "so controlling". He knows something's up, maybe is suspicious, or just being gaslighted by her and doesn't want her going out or is maybe looking at her cell phone.

She feels "trapped" because she can't get away with it so she uses that word to describe the angst she feels at having to be at home with her husband and children (hey, her handle is Dcmama), when she'd rather be with her man-ho.

Oh how mean of her family to make her want to be at home with them. How shameful!

Poor wittle wayward

Sounds familiar... those are EXACTLY the things I was told when I suspected. And they said I was the CRAZY one!

DCMAMA2,

I doubt you are going to listen to very excellent advice you are getting here (instead you are going to whine about how "judgmental and bitter" everyone here is being because they won't pat you on the head and validate your cheating/homewrecking), but these are your options in order of rapidly declining life-fulfillment:

1) End your affair, come clean completely, go to complete & perpetual NC with your lover, and rebuild a new and better marriage with your BH. The formula is well recognized, it is highly successful, and it is right here on MB. Lots of good people are eager to help you.

2) End your affair completely (i.e. utter NC with your lover ever again), tell your BH everything honestly, get your desired divorce, and stay romantically ALONE for at least a full year before considering another serious relationship.

3) If you foolishly and stubbornly refuse to leave your lover, then at least TELL YOUR BH THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT THE AFFAIR before getting divorced and abandoning your family. [Bet your right arm you�ll find the affair-grass isn�t so green down the road]

At the very least, DO NOT run off with your lover and divorce your BH without the courtesy, decency, and respect of telling him the truth and the whole truth. At least, don�t add rank cowardice to your adultery please.

...and in the distance, a dog barked...

woof

Woof exactly...

We aren't likely to hear from this woman again.

She didn't come here looking for sincere, honest, repentant help in ending her affair and recovering her marriage. She came here looking for validation, enablement, and support for her pre-conceived vile plan to continue her sleazy co-adulterous affair, divorce from her marriage, and run off with her lover while dodging all personal responsibility while scapegoating her BH for everything under the sun.

It is a formula I recognize well...

A reality check.


You have very poor, very immature marriage/relationship skills.

Allow me to rewrite your quote:

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

You are required to read the MB Basic Concepts.

Have you read them?
Your "basic marriage skills" are provided FREE of charge to you !
Amazing, is it not?
Do you have any questions about the MB BASIC CONCEPTS?

...and in the distance, a dog barked...

I was listening for the crickets chirping!