I am wondering if your spouse is the one who committed adultery, should you asj about every sexual thing that happened? My spouse and I are in recovery mode, I know most of the details.. She denies having sex but reread a text that said "i had sex with him in the car" and "it happened all so fast" I think maybe she didn't really as in another line it says "i don't know what sex really is."

What does "asj" mean? Ask? She should answer all your questions to your satisfaction. Some want alot of detail, others want little. But you are entitled to the truth since this is information about your life.


I think maybe she did have sex with him, and I would be making an appointment with a polygraph tester if I were you.

You have the right to receive honest answers to any question you have. Until you know she is telling the truth about everything you will not trust her and will not feel safe with her.

A text from her saying she had sex with him in the car would lead me to believe she had sex with him in the car.

She is lying to you. Waywards do that. Schedule a polygraph and you'll get your info.

Your post is probably misplaced.

She's lying to you. She had sex with him.

Until she tells you that as clearly as I just did, you have no legitimacy in considering yourself "In Recovery".

Have this transferred to "Surviving An Affair," by clicking the "notify" button on your initial post.

Okay, let's reduce this to first principles.

From your other post thread, you explained that the "admitted" sexual involvement (more on that later) between WW and AP consisted of his "spilling the bucket on the doorsill", and not reaching the kitchen. And as WW fog-babbles to you that she's not sure that that counts as "sex", you ask US? Is that about right?

(Okay, EG, I'm going out on a limb here and assuming you have no latent gay tendencies that would foil my nice analogy.)

So, assuming the WW/AP action above is not sex, you would be very comfortable with some guy you met in a bar, and struck up a conversation with about whatever, joined you in the back of the van and "fired off" early, before actually slamming......(Okay, that's far enough, I think.)

YES, THEY HAD SEX!!!!

It might have been lousy sex, but intent of the act is more important than the quality!

And stop being a participant in her orchestrated denial. Tell her from all of us here that she had a sexual affair with another man.

Okay, after you got your head wrapped around that one (WW had sex with another man.), this will be easier to take:

NO, HE DIDN'T JUST FAIL TO CLOSE THE DEAL! HE NAILED HER!

What you're getting is known as trickle-truth, or TT. It's from the "WS Handbook" in the chapter on "Avoiding the Worst of BS's Anger". WW's have an extra edge in applying this, because they can deal out the HB, as the various stories are revealed. (Something about our blood supply not being enough to service our brain when the other organ is calling!)

So

I had an EA becomes I almost had "sex" which becomes......

Like pulling off a bandage, learning of your WW's infidelity is better experienced at one time. TT over months is the most brutal marriage-killer I know of.