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Originally Posted by sparks14
I'm terrified. I need to suck it up. Should I take the strong tactics from dr Hurley? Should I trust my father and walk carefully around the sexual orientation part? Does anybody have any experience in this situation?

What is your father's professional expertise and experience with this? If he is a credentialed psychologist with a track record of saving marriages, I would certainly heed his advice. Dr Harley only has about 40 years of successful experience saving marriages and has saved numerous marriages that were afflicted with affairs, both hetero and homosexual. He has authored numerous books on marriages and specializes in adultery.

While no one can give you any guarantees, I would place my money on Dr Harley. Dr Harley's credentials


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I get being terrified, I was there. Now what would you tell a buddy in your shoes? Sit and watch or fight? Fight how? I don't know isn't an answer. You know.


FBH,Dad
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Sparks, your thread begins on the 20th. It is now the 24th and the only progress I see is that you told your parents. So...in the past 4 days how well has YOUR plan of accepting this sitiuation worked so far?

I say accepting because this is what your actions so far have demonstrated. In your mind and emotionally you may not feel that way, but how far have you gotten on saving your marriage based on your recent inaction?

Don't wait. The longer you wait the more your WW has a chnace of finding out you found out and then will pre-empt any exposure by bending the truth her way.

Get your list together, tell your ww you you know, it needs to stop, and you want to make your marriage better. If she doesn't react positively then expose to everyone.

Read up on and do plan A until you can't do it anymore (normally about 6 months for men). If that doesn't do it, then plan b. Have you been doing your homework on this? You've had 4 days to put your plan together and at this point it should have been already executed. Why are you dragging your feet??


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


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He's looking for excuses and justifications to lose his wife and child to a dirty stinkin' cheater, whose words are a bunch of lies. He really thinks this OW would be best for his child.

When are you going to show by actions that you will go through HE77 to save your marriage; that your WS is the most important person in your life?

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Originally Posted by sparks14
Her master plan assumed they would have full custody forever in a perfect lesbian world.
You need to burst this bubble asap. Expose.

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I'm terrified. I need to suck it up.
Yes.

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Should I take the strong tactics from dr Hurley?
Yes.

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Should I trust my father and walk carefully around the sexual orientation part?
No. You walk carefully around this and you let it continue to be a fantasy. It needs to be very, very real.

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Does anybody have any experience in this situation?
You are getting tons of good advice from people who have definitely been in this situation before. Are you going to take it?

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Sparks lets look at what happens here:

1. You do nothing. The affair burns itself out. I doubt it OW is pushing for a divorce and WW is clearly looking for something.
2. You do nothing. WW leaves for OWs house forever. Likely could happen.
3. You do nothing. WWs affair burns out and she gets another one. Happens all the time around here.
4. You expose. Shes shattered, she leaves. Is this worse than any of three above? Maybe #1 but I don't think that is the way this is going - #1 is unlikely.
5. You expose. Shes shattered, shes furious. It kills affair. She cools off and realizes whats best for child. You learn to meet her needs. You go into recovery.

Pick Sparks. Be prepared to defend your choice not to me, but that little boy in ten years when he realizes what happened and what you did to stop it. You choose now, he pays for the next twenty years.

Pick Sparks.


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I do think that you believe that there is a magic thing to do to make this all go away quickly. There isn't.

Either you fight for your wife and marriage or don't.

Either she winds up rebuilding a life with you or goes further into the abyss away from you.

You can only control yourself.

You follow the MB plan and see where you eventually wind up. It won't be today, tomorrow or even a month from now most likely.

You start on the path though and get going to the future.

If you do plan A and avoid Love Busters (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands) you stand a chance. You at least stand a chance at having the best image of who you are in your wive's mind. Maybe not her surface consciousness which is caught up in her affair but deeper in a cellular level.

You expose. She is pissed cause she sees it as interferring with her plans. You remain calm and don't love bust. You protect your child by getting the pediatricians documented advice on nutritional issues. You don't just say "Okay, I can't argue with you since you are in love with OW." You say "I love you. I want you. Please stop all contact with OW."

You study the Marriage Builder plans. Get the book Surviving An Affair as soon as possible and read and re-read it and implement it.

If your wife ultimately chooses to be with the OW....you gave your marriage its all and will have less regrets. You can then look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself and your child you tried your very best to make the marriage work.
If your wife chooses you, you build a new marriage which meets more of both of your needs and stands a chance at lasting forever.

Go for it.







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Sparks,

I understand your reluctance. But, you said your father counseled to
Quote
My father thinks I should approach wife. Let her know of affair. Give her the chance to end it right now if she ever had doubts with the intention that we work on us towards forgiveness. Expose to just parents. If she wants to walk, tell her a very bad divorce procedure is in our future. Our S will obviously be in the middle of this which scares me and will terrify her. Her master plan assumed they would have full custody forever in a perfect lesbian world.
There is great advice and some not so great advice in this. I do think you tell your W you know about the affair and that it has to end. I think you do seek both parents support in saving the marrige. HOWEVER...if she does not end the affair, a full blown exposure should take place. Exposure is to end the affair, if she will end it once she knows you know, then that is what you are seeking.

I also think she needs to know you will fight for your marriage and your child. I would not threaten her with exposure (she should not know this is coming), nor with anything else other than you will fight for her, the marriage, and your family.

I don't see your father's advice as contrary to MB, other than the "implication" that exposure should be limited if she does not end the affair. Perhaps that is not what he meant. The written word can be misinterpreted.

Tell your W you know, tell her what you need, tell her to write a NC letter, and see if she will end it. If she does not, then exposure is going to be necessary to shed light on this mess and short circuit it. It will not happen over night.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

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I posted to the wrong thread! Sorry!

Last edited by helpthelostdads; 01/24/11 04:28 PM. Reason: I posted to the wrong person.
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Sparks you still around? Or did we lose you?


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Still around. Was home at both W's parents house and my parents house out of town this weekend. Got to spend Saturday night alone with my parents. I exposed everything to them and discussed my plan. I also exposed to my closest sister.

I spent the next night with W at her place. I spent Monday night with W at my family's home. Made the drive back home yesterday. The general vibe of the trip was as if nothing was wrong. We were friendly toward one another.

She had her therapy appointment yesterday afternoon. I had mine that evening. My therapist backed my decision and agreed with the message that I am going to give her. When I got home from therapy, she was gone.

I told my wife that I needed to talk to her. She asked about what. I told her that I needed to have a discussion about our relationship. (She has removed any communication regarding our relationship for the last five weeks). When I asked if she would come back home on Wednesday evening, she agreed and told me that she will be here when I get back from work.

So tonight I sit her down and tell her that I know of the affair and give her the option to stay and write no contact or leave and expect a bad divorce.

Regardless of her actions, I am going to expose to her parents. This is where it will have the most impact.

I have spent today reading Surviving An Affair, but I have not read any information on exposure.

Does anybody have any documentation of examples or tips for these exposure emails to others (including her family)?

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***edit***

Last edited by MBWillow; 02/17/11 03:05 PM. Reason: edited at OPs request
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Keep it civil, no matter what. Good call on the VAR.

The letter to expose should be direct, loving, show the road back. No disrespect not even to OW.

Keep your cool, this is critical. Expect her to admit nothing, then get mad, then agree which will be a lie. Expose anyway. In fact i would say just expose and let them do the confronting.

Confronting got me nothing, which I understand now is normal.

Good luck, stick to the plan.


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I just gotta say Sparks, that there is an element to your story that really really creeps me out.

You said at one time that OW is unable to have children. And then she suddenly hooks up with a woman who is 4 months pregnant.

There just seems to be some kind of pyschosis in that.
Like your wife was just a vulnerable, convenient way to get a baby.

Creepy.

Expose your WW to her parents ASAP. Before your talk. Hand it to her as a done-deal. Call them up and ask for their prayers and support. Simply tell them that you have irrefutable proof of her affair and her intent to leave you for OW.



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Originally Posted by sparks14
I have spent today reading Surviving An Affair, but I have not read any information on exposure.

Does anybody have any documentation of examples or tips for these exposure emails to others (including her family)?

Sparks, here is Dr Harley's newsletter on exposure. He is rewriting HNHN and Surviving an Affair to include his instructions on exposure. Exposure

Exposing to her family can be done with a phone call or an email, giving them the facts about her affair, [tell them who, what, where and when] tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to use their influence to persuade your WW to end her affair. Ask for their advice.

With her mother and dad, you might want to call them personally.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Reynolds - Thanks for the advice. Gotta stay strong tonight.
Lexy - You have no idea how creepy it is.
Melody - You have been a fantastic voice for me. Thank you.

I will report how things go after tonight.

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Sparks14 ~
You can do this!
I've read up on your stitch...
You've learned so much since the 20th!
You know what needs to be done...
You know how to do it...
You know that now is the time to do it...
I'm believing in YOU...
God Bless ~
smile


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What's the verdict sparks?

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God I hope the WW didn't make up a Domestic Violence charge and get him thrown in jail.

Seen it happen so often in the WW's playbook.

Hopefully he had the VAR in place.

I could see the POSOW coaching the WW on what to say to get the evil husband out of the way for thier master plans


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Last night I had my W to the house for a talk. I sat her down on the couch. I provided her two options.

"I do believe, however, that we can recover from this traumatic mistake. In order for this to work, I demand that contact with OW end today. For Life. I will also need you to write her a no contact letter to inform her of this decision. I will need to read it before it is placed in the mail.

If this affair does not end today, there will be a divorce in the near future. Both of us come from households where divorce is never the answer. I still believe that it is not. Divorce is a miserable experience for everybody involved. It breaks my heart further that Hour S will be in the middle of it."

After finishing reading my wife the letter that I wrote her, she said that she could not accept my terms. She told me that she was further along than she ever felt that she could be. I offered her my emotional support. She exclaimed, "I think I'm gay!"

I told her that I would be happy to support her through her therapy, and she told me that she was not in love with me anymore. She told me that she would never take my child away from me, and that is why she has been coming back to the house for a few days at a time. She said that she never wanted to hurt me, and that she has been going to therapy specifically for her sexual orientation and how to tell me and her family.

I explained that I thought the other woman was damaging considering she was a woman who had been fighting for years unable to have children and the affair began when W was just a few months pregnant. My W said she pursured OW and not the other way around.

She is struggling with her sexuality right now. She kept apologizing for hurting me by commiting the affair, but she said was lost and did not know how to tell me that she was interested in women.

I told her that as long as she leaves to go to the OW's house, our 5 month old stays in our home. She broke down the most at this time. She said that she would stay but be miserable. She asked me not to make her stuck. I told her that allowing my son to go to the OW's house was not a choice and she would just have to deal with it.

I allowed her to go to her brother's down the street these last two nights. I know she was there and checked on her.

I exposed to every member of my family. I mentioned to my wife that we were going to call her parents that night to tell them. If she wouldn't I would. She pleaded that I not push her out of the closet to her parents. She said that she had been working with her therapist for this for the last six months and was not ready. I got a text message today from her telling me that her parents now know everything. I don't trust her, as I would expect her parents to contact me if this was true. I am going to talk to my wife again on Friday night and will be calling her family on Saturday morning to confirm the story and let them know that I would appreciate their communication for the sake of our son.

I know many of you will think that I failed by not setting the atomic bomb of exposure. I still believe that if my wife is in fact gay, forcing her out of the closet could be damaging. As pissed off as I am about the affair, I really do think my wife is having some serious sexual orientation questions. She said that they have haunted her since she was a girl, but she has tried to ignore them.

I am going to spend the day with my son tomorrow. I have family coming in town to support me for a little bit. I am not sure what is going to happen with my wife and I in the short term. I know things could get ugly, but I would rather be a good father to my son and have a relationship with my wife that is not ruined.

If I stay positive, and she gets through these questions of her sexuality, maybe she does come back to our family. If not, at least I can be an active and positive influence to my boy.

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