I won't argue with you about the snooping being destructive and a breech of trust. Although I don't think that way now, I probably would have before my affair so I understand. However, before, (even during)and certainly after my affair, I could never equate snooping anywhere close to the betrayal of the affair. I KNOW her AP is the same sex BUT, the lying, coniving and disrespect that had to be done to carry this out is egrigous.

I also won't argue with your stance of not using the e-mails against her. I just wouldn't destroy them. You know you are trustworthy...the jury is still out on WW. You are assuming she is thinking rationally. By definition of being a WW...she is not.

I truly wish you luck. You have a good heart and I hope your WW truly sees that.

Thanks again, Sunny.

As far as the emails are concerned, it came down to me asking myself, "How can I expect trust if I cannot give it myself?" I knew the damage they could cause and the wedge in the middle of our rebuilding. There was simply no need for me to hold them over her head.

The emails.
Well, if you don't keep them since you don't want W to stay with you due to fear of them existing......heck......she is the one who CREATED them.
She is only in fear of her own making.

You can keep them and never use them.

You can keep them and know that they are a historical truth. Not a scary thing. A real thing. Actual snap shot of a period of time.

If W doesn't see that and is so afraid of them......that you feel compelled to save her from her own self/making.....you don't stand a whole lot of chance creating a relationship where personal responsibility exists. She is personally responsible for the emails. Not you.

You're kidding me, right? You are berating yourself for breeching the trust of someone who is clearly untrustable??

Are you insane? You are being gaslighted if someone is berating you for "not trusting them" when they have been proven untrustable.

Honestly. Put your thinking cap on, man.

Then where does the distrust end? Doesn't somebody have to step up to the plate and say enough is enough?

I guess the answer here would be your wife has to step up to the plate, since she started it.

I guess these are just two very different forms of thinking. Maybe I am being gas lighted. Time will tell.

My husband's affair ended 4 years ago. I still do not fully trust him and for good reason. It has gotten better but I will NEVER return to full-on trust. Never.

Dr. Harley states I never should have fully trusted him in the first place and on top of that he has PROVEN himself to be untrustworthy.

Because he is NOW acting trustworthy it does not bother him AT ALL that I check up on him. In fact, he encourages it.

Is your WW doing this?

Well, in an ideal world, yes, your wife would earn your trust and you'd have no reason to distrust her again.

But you're not there yet, so just follow Ronald Reagan's advice: Trust but verify. Over time, your trust in her will increase provided that you continually see no reason to feel otherwise.

I tried that, too. To just trust my WW that things were ok right after exposure and the end of the affair. But I kept looking, hoping against hope that I wouldn't find anything, and then I found her secret email account that she was still checking. I felt like the biggest fool in the world and was furious with myself for letting my guard down.

Following a blow like that, I'll truly say that it is better (for the time being) to procede with caution so that you can protect yourself. Now I'm two weeks into a second NC and, day by day, I'm not finding anything that tells me that my wife isn't genuinely working on this marriage. But I just cannot let my defenses down all the way, yet. Do I want to be like that? Hell no, I hate it. But I just cannot take any more surprises at this point in my life.

So hang in there, sparks.

Thanks ya'll. When I checked back up to this post, I was very surprised of all the comments wondering and assuming my whereabouts. I understand that we are all her due to a common bond. I am just lost at the moment. Trying to find my way. I will try and check back here soon.