Good morning - I have been here before but lost my log in info - my son and his wife separated in July of 2009 - they were both having emotional affairs - my dil moved out of state and took my grandkids - ages 3 & 2 - in September of 2009 he went to get them for a visit - saw a lot of things he didn't like and got custody of them in October of 2009.

He kept on with his affair and his girlfriend and her two kids moved in with them in January of 2010 - I was not happy at all about it but she actually seemed to be good for the kids - better meals - more one on one activity (my dil's idea of a babysitter was the TV) - so after a couple of months I thought ok - this might work out - their mother has been up here once to see them - has missed two birthdays each and two Christmas's - after the children left she moved right in with her boyfriend.

Anyway the situation is horrible right now - I want my son to kick his girlfriend out - I hate doing that to her kids but she has been drinking with the kids there during the day when my son isn't home - she has been abusive to him - and the kids are suffering for it. My DIL is supposed to be moving one state away in 6 months but I'm not sure if that will happen.

My question is - does anyone know how to go about seeing if there is a chance I could get custody - I don't want to do anything formal right now because I want to be able to see my grandchildren. I have been a mess about this and the stress is really getting to me.

any help would be great.

GrammyK, do you all live in the same state? You might have a chance if you do by seeing a lawyer. There may also be a need to have Child Protective Services (CPS) investigate.

If the childrens' parents are both found to be unfit, it's possible you may be able to have a court award you custody.

GrammyK, I would suggest you talk to an attorney who is versed in Family Law in your state.

Also, are you documenting everything? A court is going to want proof of your claim. You can't go in there and say "She's drinking with the kids around and she's abusive to my son." That could be interpreted as "She has one glass of wine with dinner and she got mad at your son because he isn't pulling his share of the load." The court will probably want to talk to your son to verify things as well.

Document.

Thanks for your replies - the only one right now that doesn't live in the same state is my DIL - and she is supposed to be moving closer in June - I'm not sure about that one - she does call the kids but like I said has seen them once since in a year and a half.

I haven't been documenting - I know - I should have been - this is one example - the day we were having Christmas at my house with my family both my son and I were trying to get in touch with her - no answer - all the kids were off from school - this went on for hours - I finally got in my car to see what was going on and I got a call from my son - she had been sleeping and the kids were in their rooms - my grandkids are 5 & 4 - so they were pretty much unsupervised for the whole day - she didn't see a problem with it. So I will document what I can remember and go from there. My grandkids had to spend the night at my house this week twice because of the situation - my granddaughter is failing Kindergarten - it's just sad.

I agree with the others that you should consult a lawyer. However, don't mention anything about it to your son or DIL or the new StepMonster. Since they are letting you keep the kids pretty often, you are being THE stable influence in their lives right now.

Offer to keep them as often as possible, help your granddaughter with her homework, and try to get to know her teacher. Keep on documenting what's going on until you have enough evidence that none of the parents are fit to care for the kids.

If they find out that you're trying to get legal custody, they may put an end to your visitation. But if you keep on helping them out with a friendly, open attitude you may eventually be able to protect your grandchildren from their parents.

It will take time - maybe even a couple of years. Don't get discouraged and keep taking care of those little ones.

I don't think your chances will be very good because even though some states recognize grandparent's rights, it would be very hard for you to get custody away from your son. Yes, what his OW is doing is wrong, wrong, wrong, and dangerous to the kids, if you step in and try to get custody, they could clean up their act and go on their merry way. They would probably cut you out of their lives.

If you called CPS, it would pretty much be the same thing. They would investigate, but it would take a lot for them to remove the children from the home, especially if their dad, who has legal custody, is not the one placing the children in harm's way.

The only real solution I see is for your son to get his head out of his a$$ and protect his children. He's not doing a very good job if he's allowing this to go on.

It hurts as a grandmother I know, I have 5.3 grandkids. I may not agree with everything my children do as parents, but unless they are physically abusing or neglecting their children, there's really not much I could do. (They don't by the way.)

I think at the least you could do is talk to your son and let OW know that you're watching. She may not know all of the above.

P.S. I've been in the legal field for a long time with some of that time in Family Law.

My mind is boggling at this. What does the .3 child look like?!

It's a secret for now. I'll tell you when I'm given permission.

I'm guessing that .3 of a grandchild is either a child who is 3 months pregnant or a child who has started the process to adopt.

Either way, congratulations, princessmeggy!!

Hi - was absent this weekend sorry - another big blow up this weekend the cops were called he warned both of them and I had the kids again Sunday night and took yesterday off work to take care of them - they went back yesterday - she is supposed to be moving - I am so hoping - I just don't understand why they even want to be there together. Found out a few more things that she has done and am angrier than ever.
Thank you for the suggestions - even if my chances are slim I will go and at least see a lawyer and find out if I have any rights. But I do not want to be told I can't see them by my son - so I will tread lightly and do whatever I can to help.

Keep us posted and let us know how everything's going, Grammy!

Ok - so now she is staying and they start couples counseling on Saturday - I'm really not happy about her staying - I told them months ago they both needed counseling and anger management - neither one knows how to deal with their anger. If it happens again I will go get my grandkids and see a lawyer the next day.

thanks for all the advice - I really appreciate it.

(((GrammyK)))

I remember your from before. I am so pleased that your Grandchildren are now living closer to you and that you can enjoy them and have influence on their lives.

I hope that you are able to do all that is necessary to ensure a real childhood for them.

Quick update - got a call from my son on Wednesday - he had the flu - he was asleep - his girlfriend came up and woke him up to talk about a dental appointment - nothing life or death - she wanted to vent - he fell asleep and she went postal and then he got mad - I heard from him again a couple hours later and she was packing - I was like thank goodness - she was heading to her fathers - about 4 hours away - and he seemed resigned to the fact and worked on getting places for his kids to go - they stayed with me Wednesday night.

He got a call from her Wednesday night - she didn't go to her dad's she stayed at a hotel 20 minutes away - her dad was coming the next day to help her pack - she called me to make sure I was getting the other kids - I said yes - she said she had been vomiting - I told her I hoped she felt better - pick up the kids go home get a call from my son saying she can't get out of bed she is so sick he needs to take care of her kids (he was going to stay at my house last night just so there wasn't any trouble) he reassured me that she was still going - fast forward to this am - called him - they just went to their counseling session - it was really good - so now it doesn't look like she is leaving - I am at my wits end - I am so sad for those babies and so worried it is making me sick. what do i do?