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It DOES NOT. It is one sided sexual satisfaction that takes away from the marriage. Masturbation TAKES AWAY from the marriage. In your opinion. With your statement, you're saying that in all the world, there isn't a single couple out there who takes great pleasure in mutual masturbation...that they don't find any iota, not a single scrap, of pleasure and perhaps even "romance" in pleasing their spouse in such a manner (and perhaps sometimes not pleasing themselves). Your concept of "romantic love" is unique in all the world, Melody...because you are a unique individual. It is narrow minded to believe that there is truly only one definition, one manner, one "way" of defining "romantic love". As I stated before... She never had a problem with his masturbation from what I can tell by the language she uses....until she learned the content of it. Only then did it bother her. I just didn't have the energy so he would have to take care of himself. One day I asked him if he ever thought about real people when he masterbated.
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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It DOES NOT. It is one sided sexual satisfaction that takes away from the marriage. Masturbation TAKES AWAY from the marriage. In your opinion. With your statement, you're saying that in all the world, there isn't a single couple out there who takes great pleasure in mutual masturbation...that they don't find any iota, not a single scrap, of pleasure and perhaps even "romance" in pleasing their spouse in such a manner (and perhaps sometimes not pleasing themselves). You are misunderstanding, and you are equating masturbation with mutual masturbation. It's not the physical methods used that are at issue, here.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What you are saying is akin to saying that affairs happen because needs are not met. What do you believe the cause of affairs is? Do you want what I've read in SAA and the Surviving Infidelity articles, or should I submit to ad populum and regurgitate the general consensus. Interesting response. I'd like to know if you know what Dr. Harley's opinion is on the subject, and if you agree or disagree. Unless I'm misunderstanding something, Dr. Harley's opinion on this specific question is the general consensus on this board. It makes perfect sense to disagree with Dr. Harley, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to excerpt something Dr. Harley said awhile ago and try to prove that Dr. Harley doesn't believe what he openly says in several places he does believe. KWIM?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos, what should one do when you've tried the POJA and your spouse is absolutely not interested in meeting your needs? Dr. Harley's opinion on that is here: When to Call it Quits
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I think it very likely that her withdrawing and turning down his attempts to reconnect feels to him like a punishment. But you're speculating. We can't know that unless one of them tells us that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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the masturbation is occurring because a need is not being met, This is where your reasoning is going wrong. This is incorrect. Your statement here makes HER responsible for HIS deeds. No, that is what is being assumed by ignoring MB 101 information. There is an unmet need, he isn't being O&H or addressing it, he "handles" the meeting of his need in a taker fashion through masturbation. I don't think you understand the proper context of emotional needs. Emotional needs in this context are in the context of a romantic marriage. Masturbation, ie: one sided sexual act, does nothing to meet the need of sexual fulfillment within the marriage. Just the opposite. It TAKES AWAY from the romance of the marriage and harms the intimacy. One does not have a "NEED" for sex like air or water or food. That is not a proper understanding of the emotional needs. Emotional needs should not be met outside of marriage and that is the problem with masturbation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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**EDIT**
Last edited by Fireproof; 01/28/11 06:30 PM. Reason: TOS disruption
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
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Rush, she is allowed to change her mind. Maybe it didn't bother her before. That is irrelevant. It bothers her now. He should stop.
On the other hand, she not meeting his need for SF. To address this, she gave him permission to masturbate as a substitute. Poor judgment on both sides, because it is highly likely that he was NOT enthusiastic about this arrangement. Most likely, he accepted it because he thought his wife was unwilling to agree to anything he found acceptable.
She should not be any more willing than he is to agree to something that lacks his enthusiasm. Maybe it takes the pressure off in the short term. But in the long term she will pay the price in lost love units.
When you can see it coming, duck!
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No, it doesn't, but if you'd like to see more of it, it never hurts to provide incentives. I have to respectfully disagree. I don't provide incentives for my children to be honest, my H to be honest, my employees to be honest. Honesty is it's own reward. No, I'll take that back. I guess the incentive to be honest is that there are so many negatives to NOT being honest. That's not under my total control, though. That's a consequence of Life. Not that I'm unappreciative of honesty, mind you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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**EDIT**
moderators note: STOP DISRUPTING THIS THREAD!! If you are not familiar with Marriage Builders concepts, then stop posting! Do not disrupt this thread anymore!
Last edited by Fireproof; 01/28/11 06:29 PM. Reason: TOS continual disruption
FWH 36 EA/PA NC & D-day 12/21/10
FWW 36 EA / NC & D-day 12/8/10
Married: 12+ years
Together: 17+
Kids: x3
Working together to be better than ever!
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All of the sacrifice in vain
And if love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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She said she was feeling unvalued BEFORE she started looking for a babysitter.
Removing the babysitter is the right thing to do but what about the issue that was there before she hired her? Correct. Two separate issues that should be addressed separately.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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It DOES NOT. It is one sided sexual satisfaction that takes away from the marriage. Masturbation TAKES AWAY from the marriage. In your opinion. With your statement, you're saying that in all the world, there isn't a single couple out there who takes great pleasure in mutual masturbation...that they don't find any iota, not a single scrap, of pleasure and perhaps even "romance" in pleasing their spouse in such a manner (and perhaps sometimes not pleasing themselves). Good grief. You missed the point, the situation presented here is not mutual masturbation or there would be no issue. Masturbation, by definition, is done alone. In the case of her husband it is done ALONE. Your concept of "romantic love" is unique in all the world, Melody...because you are a unique individual.It is narrow minded to believe that there is truly only one definition, one manner, one "way" of defining "romantic love". No, we are here to discuss Dr Harley's concept of romantic love. We all pretty much know what romantic love means. She never had a problem with his masturbation from what I can tell by the language she uses....until she learned the content of it.
Only then did it bother her. Irrelevant. The fact is it does bother her NOW and the fact is that Dr Harley says don't do it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ladies and gentlemen, the original poster of this topic has posted ONE time. This thread has dissolved into a debate that is not helpful to her.
We're done here.
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