I have been here reading and getting advice for over a month and have finally worked up the courage to share my story.

I am 38 and WH is 40 married for 14 years with two daughters. September 10th the day I was throwing him a party for his 40th birthday I found an e-mail from OW telling him how much she loved him and how wonderful he was. My heart was pounding, I thought I was going to pass out. At that time I was 10 weeks pregnant. We had just found out about our surprise pregnancy a few weeks before. I called him at work and confronted him immediately. I cried and sobbed and he would give me answers in a very detatched, unemotional tone. He came home, we talked and I ended up begging him to stay with me and our family. The next night he told me it was over and seemed very pleased with himself. I was so happy that I accepted him at his word.

November 1st I was on his computer and had come across something from FB with her name on it indicating that they were in contact. I looked at the history and he was in contact with her still. He had opened another FB account. Again I called him at work and confronted him. This time it was tougher. I was asking for more than just him telling me that they had a final telephone conversation. I was also suspicious and started checking up on everything. I was a basket case. For the next week he went back and forth unable to decide whether he would go or stay. Finally a week later we went sat down and talked through things. He admitted he had been lying to me for years about little things (stuff that didn�t even matter to me) but knowing that now sent up red flags and scared me even more. He agreed to cut off contact with her again the next day. Again without me around to hear the conversation.

December 2nd I found a text to her telling her he was going home for the day and would �see her� the next day. The OW lives 500 miles away, is a HS crush he found on FB who�s having a rough time in her marriage. He told me she initiated contact and was just wondering whether the baby was a boy or a girl and he would stop responding to her e-mails (at his work e-mail). I was distraught but really wanted to believe him. I sent her a text message and told her my family was none of her business and that she needed to move on. Things were pretty tense each time I found out things and he would get depressed but it seems within a week he had re-established contact (unknown by me) and was fine.
Through this whole thing I would get depressed, get suspicious , have good days, etc. I found the discussion board in January and have been reading and it has been helping me to know that things I am feeling and going through are normal and not just due to pregnancy hormones. I continued to monitor and got smarter about it.

January 18th I found that he had re-opened his extra FB account which he is only friends with her on and I confronted him about it. I also told him I knew they had been in contact and talking still. He finally admitted to it. I was distraught again and told him I had to think about things. He actually showed emotion breaking down this time which never happened before. Things have been a bit rocky since this. I have never been good at confronting him on anything and he will never admit to anything I don�t catch him at. Oh � also this time I sent the OW�s H an e-mail telling him she was having an affair. Sounds like message was received but he never replied and asked for details so she must have explained it away. But she is no longer on FB.

Right now I am struggling with the fact that he is still not on our family plan with his cell phone, he has never sent a NC letter, he never brings anything up about it saying that he was too embarrassed and upset with what he had done to want to bring it up. We don�t talk, I have no idea what is going on with him. Whenever I bring up reading books, going to MC or anything else, I get a very non-committal answer.
He has several female friends which he knows I am uncomfortable with that he texts, calls, IMs on FB and even has lunch with. This kills me but he complains that I don�t allow him to have friends and that the EA was just a fluke one time thing. Someone he had a thing for in HS.

Something I didn't mention before is that over two years ago I found a bunch of texts between him and someone he worked with. He claimed it was just some flirting over text over about a month's time and didn't even feel real nothing ever came of it and it was over. He was very apologetic and felt terrible. We moved on and didn't talk about it much.

He does seem to be working on things and moving forward but I am afraid to trust it. He makes me feel guilty when he finds out I am feeling sad and tries to comfort me and tell me nothing is going on he is staying here with me and our family. I believe that he wants to stay here I just don't beleive that he is going to stop doing the things that are causing me to not trust him.

This doesn�t make me feel any better about him not talking to me when he is sad and in need of comfort. I feel so isolated and alone some days. Thank you to all on here for sharing your stories they have helped give me comfort and advice and continue to. I want this to work for us and our family. I am strong and financially independant which makes me really question myself on this -- how many times is too many? Am I just stupid? Do we need to set down better ground rules? Would that even help?

i would love to speak with you personally. your situation is very very similar to mine. the private message function on here says its disabled.
i have the same doubts, fears and anxiety you have. I cant imagine all that and pregnant too.
the pros will be along and tell you to read all the info on the site. learn about plan a and b and also what all of the abbrevations mean. its helpful to have a bio as your signature so others know your situation.
thanks for coming here. you are among friends and people who really care.
i havent posted much and others i am sure are disappointed in the approach i am taking thus far. but at least i know that there are others in the same boat as me. it helps.
talk to you soon,

This period is very critical for you and it's a blessing that you found this forum sooner rather than later.

I am new to this forum and wish i had found this when my WH had the A.

On that note, congratulations. I am not in any position to give a tangible advise but i can speak from my own experience as a BS. You are not stupid; the feelings that go through you can be insane sometimes. You want your marriage to work but you also realize you need to trust again.

In your case, you have your kids to worry about. All i can say is to do ALL you can to save your marriage but also keep an open mind that your WH has to be willing to make this work too. It is a long road to recovery. You'll need a lot of support.

Thank you for your replies. I did download and read SOA and have read much of what is on the website. I have also bee 'lurking' long enough to know what most of the abbreviations mean so I guess I have that much going for me. I've just always been on the recovery threads thinking that was where we were at.

I think we had a rough Plan A going for awhile and was ready to step to Plan B at least twice on D-days and H asked me not to and we moved forward. sigh. I wish someone here had a magic wand or maybe a fairy godmother...

F&A - I think I got everything set up in my profile now. Let me know if it is not. I would enjoy talking with you as well.

Welcome to MB.

Seems you have quite a few issues going on with your wh. First there's his admission of having lied to you for years, even over little things. Then there's the affair.

Two big issues right there but with one source: husband is lying. And he continues to lie about many things, even little things as he has said.

Now it would seem that the little things have snowballed on his behalf, to bigger things (an affair). I understand these things fully b/c my xh is an expert at lying about anything and everything. I thought at one time in my life if he had told me the sky was yellow and the grass was pink, I'd have believed him b/c he was such an accomplished liar.

Sometimes lying can become a way of coping with unpleasantries of life. My xh I think began that way. Or as a way of avoiding a negative response. Regardless, he has found lying a way of coping with his life and he has also allowed his moral integrity to slide as he lied into an affair. That's all an affair is, lie upon lie, so how can it ever be real love?

You are confused right now, and rightly so. Bless your heart, you're also pregnant and I know how you feel too. More stuff on top of stuff you're dealing with.

Kudos to you for exposing to owh on FB. But one thing is for sure, you can't be sure if he really got that message either. Also happy you've been reading here and learning principles. I say start off with a very very strong plan A and implement the STICK part of it too. You need to not do a little exposure, but blow the whole affair up! Blow it up! Have you exposed to the rest of their FB friends? Have you personally called up owh and told him of the affair? You can't be sure with waywards. Ow is probably lying and making you think her h got the fb message.

Exposure is great. The one thing which throws a cold bucket of water onto their so-called red hot affair. Definitely sobering at the least, and enough so that it makes the waywards seriously rethink their positions. You're lucky. The ow is married! That's great news b/c you need to expose the hell outta her, out her on FB and on your dh's FB page and on YOUR page. Get on the recent spying thread here, and learn the tricks of the trade for MB style FB exposure. It will scorch the earth if that's their mode of communication.

Once you get your H to end his addiction, and be willing to work on the marriage, end the affair, then seriously, the issue of his lying needs to also be addressed. I would seriously consider asking the Harleys how to deal with a serial liar. And sadly, there is a possibility it could be pathological lying. I'd ask the harleys if the need for a psychologist to address ONLY the lying is needed to help your dh change and become a good H and father.

All isn't lost, it just seems it is now. You have a secret weapon and a plan. First thing is to go over and over the carrot and stick of plan A and stick the stick to the waywards and decide on a tactic for nuclear, scorched earth exposure. Something to combat lying and the ema once and for all.

You're on the right path, just time now to find the correct tools to address your situation you're in now.

Hugs and go for it!

Peachy - I think the EA is over but like you mentioned there is nothing I can trust. He is spending more and more time with the kids and I on the weekends. Almost to the point where we are joined at the hip but he has been like this since early December. That did not change him staying in contact during working hours.

The other items that he lied about were as mundane as picking up an expensive snack at the gas station instead of a whole box of them at the grocery store. But like you said it grew into an EA and here we are now.

It does seem like he is trying. I know the things I need to do. No, the OWH did get the message but I believe that she explained it away. They have a whole set of problems all their own that I couldn't care less about. I did tell my H that next time I contact OWH I will send him more specific information that is much harder to deny.

Exposure has happened on quite a few fronts - both of his sisters and my parents. Still quite a few people missing in there but I have to admit that I am so embarassed by all this that I don't want to share with anyone else.

I know I am making lots of mistakes by not demanding NC letter, or his cell phone records or exposing him at his job (fairly new job and I prefer not to jeopardize that income at this time). I just don't think scorched earth is right for everyone.

I have been good with the carrot of Plan A but I am struggling with the stick part of it. I really need to find the courage and make the leap on some of these things.

Thanks for listening.

Yes, but how effective are you at snooping? I am serious, something doesn't smell right and his behavior is unacceptable.

Check out the snooping thread asap. He still imho, behaves as a wh. Not somebody in recovery and rebuilding a M.

There are missing pieces I feel.

Also, how do you know it's an EA? How are you for sure able to know? Did the ws tell you that? I would not put much faith in anything that a ws did or does. As long as he is even a 1/100th bit wayward, he will lie about things.

Have you considered using a var? Getting a PI to snoop? We are almost 2 months past the email telling ow that he would see her next day. That would raise more than a red flag to me.

Many instances, waywards simply get better at their craft of deception. Affairs go underground further after some d days. And yes, if there are others to expose too, I'd do it. It's not embarassing to you. It is only embarassing to the affairees.

Look, you didn't make him have an affair. HE made that choice. My xh didn't get forced into cheating and lying by me. I didn't cause jack. HE did. The situation is uncomfortable to some, but your friends and family will stand by you I promise. I didn't have any negative fallout (except from ow and wh). Why worry what others think. I promise you will have support.

Let him worry what people say. He's the dude who had the ema.

Now things feel funny now and you're here maybe because something isn't right. I say when your antennae go up and you feel something amiss, trust that sense and find out what's going on. Check out the snooping thread 2010.

Hi there,
Just checking in with you to see how you are doing?

And can anyone tell me why I can PM someone? How do i speak to someone in private?

I don't think you are in recovery just yet. Now that he knows you have SOME information on his past, he like most waywards, only take the A to a new level of deception. He is probably doing things to make you feel better, but it could be to throw you off the scent, so to speak.

Not proud at all to say this, but I have been on both sides of the fence, so I know how waywards play their game. An EA or PA doesn't get turned off like a light switch. There is a hangover period that will exist for weeks or months even after NC. And if there is any contact at all, no matter how trivial, the FOG will remain.

I too felt embarrassed to do any level of exposure. But you need to understand that exposure is truly your best friend. Your H has shown you that you are not enough to stop him. If you enlist the aid of all of his/your friends/family etc., you have the best chance to recover.

You cannot live each day wondering if he is being honest with you. Perhaps the vets may suggest he take a polygraph so that your H will tell the truth.

This is the moment in your life where you have to find the courage to take a stand. You deserve so much more, and you need to raise the bar very high and not allow or accept any further transgressions. He may appear angry, but like a kid, he will probably appreciate having his family set up boundaries and consequences.

Although A's are highly addictive and feels good to waywards, deep down, the experience is confusing, painful, and sad. It truly is no different than being hooked on drugs--it feels good when you have it, but you feel icky inside afterward. And it kills a little piece of you each time you meet up with your AP.

Fulfilling each other's needs is a two way street. Make him step up to the plate!

Because the potential exists for people to take advantage of others' pain and weakness, the ability to PM has been removed from this site.

On rare occasions, a person will publicly ask in their thread for someone specifically to contact them, post their email, and then go back and edit/remove the email when the information has been passed to the intended party.

Use with caution.

New posters are always welcome. However, please familiarize yourself with the concepts of Dr. Harley, the owner of this site, prior to posting what may be conflicting advice.

Hi, to whom and to what conflicting advice are you referring?

Please dont think I am calling you out or anything, I just want to make sure I havent broken any rules.
Thank You

Glad to clarify, foreverandalways - my post was a little confusing. I deleted a post from a poster who was soliciting for another site that may cause confusion for our posters here. My post was directed to him. Your posts are fine.
Seasons

Thank you for your reply Seasons...